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[wheresfluffy]

Ive been depressed for about two years now and it seems like its never going to go away. Last summer was when everything got very bad. I went to the hospital because i had around two panic attacks everyday and i needed help. They told me i was depressed and had to see a therapist. Oh and by the way i only went to school about five days that year. I was too scared because of the attacks. I got home schooled all year.
So this year im still seeing a therapist, on meds (ativan) im not as depressed as before but my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I plan on dropping out this year and getting a ged cause theres no way im going to school again.
Recently ive been getting the thoughts again. It starts with me thinking about everything that has ever happened to me then i start thinking this is never ever going to get better, im going to be like this the rest of my life, then i think i should just **** myself, im gonna do it i swear. But i never do, the most i do is cut. I havent cut in a few months.
I dont want to live but i dont want to die. Im sick of this horrible life i have but im scared of what happens after you die. I would be fine with dying if i knew what happened after.
Oh and plus all my friends stopped talking to me because they either think im insane or just got sick of hearing me complain. I have no one and i dont know what to do anymore.

[IsilRose]

From you saying you're going to get your GED, I assume you are in high school. I had a similar issue in my high school years and didn't get help for it. I ended up cutting, doing drugs, drinking, etc and managed to kick most of my vices over years of hard work and personal reflection, but looking back, I wish I had got help. It's so hard to juggle a mental disorder, especially one that leaves you darn near phobic of people for what they may say about you, etc.

To be honest, it is a hard road to getting better but I encourage you to seek help, not for the panic attacks, but for the cutting. Usually cutters won't tell anyone for fear of further ridule. If this is the case and the hospital or therapist won't help get you on a proper dose or medication for your anxiety, a bit of a shock might give them the kick in the bum they need to see your problems as serious enough to properly help you. No one should feel this way. Ever.

The other thing that won't really help you now (I know, I was told this when I was going through my issues - just thank the stars you aren't raising kids while going through this) is that things are so much better when you leave high school. People change, views and beliefs change, unfortunately you have that being an adult thing to deal with, but you'll find more enjoyment in being free of the "I need to do this or that". The world opens up to whatever you want to do and whoever you want to be. That freedom will help you find comfort and slowly pull you away from the cliff's edge you feel yourself on now. It's a slow process but you'll be happier after all is said and done. So, that said, I fully encourage you to get your GED. And no matter what anyone says, it's just as good as a diploma, and in the end, your health and happiness is more important than ANYTHING in this world.

[wheresfluffy]

Thank you that made me feel better especially about the GED because my dad keeps telling me i shouldn't do that, that i need to go back to high school.
And i havent cut in a long time, i am getting a lot better at dealing with it, i dont do it anymore and i see a therapist and she is helping me so i never do it again.

[LaurynJcat]

((((wheresfluffy))))

Just wanted to say I agree with IsilRose. By the way, my husband dropped out of high school in the 9th grade, then later went and got his GED, then in his thirties went to college and then university, and graduated with honors. Once you have any kind of post-secondary education, be it technical school, college or university, nobody will even ask about high school.

And yes, it DOES get better. As for friends, you will make them when you're ready. After high school I never hung out with any of the same people.

Hugs,
Lauryn

[ellemint]

I dropped out of school a couple of times, and now I have a PhD ! Not everyone can go straight through, and not everyone needs to.

Good luck! and congratulations on not cutting recently. That is a huge success! Keep it up!