No one should be alone in this. We can help. View New Content

[JZicherman]

I always like to give a brief background before I post here, so here it is: I'm a 19 year-old American male in college. I've been in inpatient therapy several time in the past couple of years, and have been diagnosed as a Paranoid Schizophrenic with Major Depressive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I've also been diagnosed as Psychotic Depressive at one point, but I believe that my Schizophrenia "overwrote" that diagnosis. I met the love of my life over a year ago, shortly after my most recent release date. I don't take medicine anymore, simply because I don't believe it did anything for me.

My dilemma is that I have no method of expression. I've always struggled with this, but it hasn't been a problem for the past year. It's worse now, though. I am extremely right-brained (I'm excellent with math and logic, but not with anything creative). On top of that, my mother kind-of messed me up as a child. She taught us to believe (even before the divorce) that men are, in short, monsters. Because I was a boy, I wasn't allowed to express emotion in front of her. I believe this led me to being so "dead inside." I feel emotion, or so I think... but I've never really been able to process it let alone express it like normal people do. Now I involuntarily feel the same way with my girlfriend. Even if I knew how to express myself properly... I'd be too afraid to do so. I've started feeling really bad about myself again. Confidence is leaving me, and my own mind has become my worst enemy. All of this bottled anger, frustration, and sadness has begun to eat away at me again. I don't want to reach the same point that I reached over a year ago, but it feels like I'm slipping with no way of catching myself.

[Sheepwoman]

While you were in the hospital, did they start you on CBT (cognitive behaioral therapy? If not look into it. It has changed my outlook on life and I feel better about myself, too. 90% of the negative thoughts I had are gone and have become a faded memory. I don't know how many meds you tried in the past, there are many more and some new ones you may want to discuss with your pdoc.
Sheepwoman

[JZicherman]

While you were in the hospital, did they start you on CBT (cognitive behaioral therapy? If not look into it. It has changed my outlook on life and I feel better about myself, too. 90% of the negative thoughts I had are gone and have become a faded memory. I don't know how many meds you tried in the past, there are many more and some new ones you may want to discuss with your pdoc.
Sheepwoman

I've tried CBT a few times, and it hasn't really done much for me. Also, I've been through quite a few medications. I guess I just got tired of trying them, since a lot of the medications actually made me much worse.

[ellemint]

I'm wonderiing what emotions you feel like you're not expressing? Is it any emotion whatsoever or are you OK with saying stuff like "I'm glad" or "I'm p***** off".

Sometimes it's also OK to say "you know, I don't know what exactly I'm feeling but I'm all churned up inside" for example. You don't always have to be able to define exactly what emotion you are feeling.

Also sometimes, if expressing emotions is difficult for you it is easiest to just start out with the basics:

I'm sad.
I'm glad.
I'm angry.
I'm afraid/ anxious.

Or instead of trying to pinpoint afeeling, just focus on your body and see if you are experiencing any sensations, like tension in your shoulders, or your heart beating fast, or whatever, and just be aware of those sensations in a non-judgmental accepting way.

If you feel afraid of expressing negative emotion, just try expressing non-negative ones to start with, like "I'm curious, or I'm bored" and see how that goes.

Just some ideas , good luck.

[JZicherman]

I'm wonderiing what emotions you feel like you're not expressing? Is it any emotion whatsoever or are you OK with saying stuff like "I'm glad" or "I'm p***** off".

Sometimes it's also OK to say "you know, I don't know what exactly I'm feeling but I'm all churned up inside" for example. You don't always have to be able to define exactly what emotion you are feeling.

Also sometimes, if expressing emotions is difficult for you it is easiest to just start out with the basics:

I'm sad.
I'm glad.
I'm angry.
I'm afraid/ anxious.

Or instead of trying to pinpoint afeeling, just focus on your body and see if you are experiencing any sensations, like tension in your shoulders, or your heart beating fast, or whatever, and just be aware of those sensations in a non-judgmental accepting way.

If you feel afraid of expressing negative emotion, just try expressing non-negative ones to start with, like "I'm curious, or I'm bored" and see how that goes.

Just some ideas , good luck.

It's every emotion. I don't mean expression necessarily on a verbal level. It's difficult for me to explain. It's just hard for me to know how to fix a feeling when I don't know what that feeling is.

[ellemint]

I'm wonderiing what emotions you feel like you're not expressing? Is it any emotion whatsoever or are you OK with saying stuff like "I'm glad" or "I'm p***** off".

Sometimes it's also OK to say "you know, I don't know what exactly I'm feeling but I'm all churned up inside" for example. You don't always have to be able to define exactly what emotion you are feeling.

Also sometimes, if expressing emotions is difficult for you it is easiest to just start out with the basics:

I'm sad.
I'm glad.
I'm angry.
I'm afraid/ anxious.

Or instead of trying to pinpoint afeeling, just focus on your body and see if you are experiencing any sensations, like tension in your shoulders, or your heart beating fast, or whatever, and just be aware of those sensations in a non-judgmental accepting way.

If you feel afraid of expressing negative emotion, just try expressing non-negative ones to start with, like "I'm curious, or I'm bored" and see how that goes.

Just some ideas , good luck.

It's every emotion. I don't mean expression necessarily on a verbal level. It's difficult for me to explain. It's just hard for me to know how to fix a feeling when I don't know what that feeling is.

OK, I think I see what you mean. Can you usually tell if it's a positive or a negative feeling?

Also, remember that most people can not always identify exactly what it is they are feeling, so you're not alone in that! And often what we feel is a mix and jumble of different emotions. And emotions are like quicksilver, or a wave, they come and go, strengthen and weaken.

Here's a simple handout that might help you identify an emotion. I know it might seem stupid, but if you look at the choices, you can sit back and think which one you most approximately feel like at that moment. And don't beat yourself up if you can't make out what your're feeling.

http://www.get.gg/do...otionpicker.pdf


Also J, since you mentioned you're starting to feel like you are "slipping away", it might be worthwhile to check in with a doctor, or if the facilities you received treatment at before left you with some contact numbers, or the mental health services at your university if they are close by. It can't hurt! And it might help.

Wishing you well! And I can kinda relate to your situation, I had all kinds of problems in university & still struggle --- but eventually I graduated with PhD. So, there's always hope. cheers !