Nice to meet you all. Not sure what to say here, so I'll just write whatever that pops into my mind. Actually, this is the only place I feel that I can talk about things that I won't talk to anyone else. For once, I don't have to worry about people saying that "cheer up, things are going to be just fine after you wake up" cause it won't be.
For starters, I 'think' I have been in an endless cycle of self-loathing and depression for more than 10 years now (for my age, that's almost half of my life -- I'm 23). I had my first suicidal thoughts around the age of fourteen to fifteen and had subsequent thoughts of committing suicide on/off. Luckily, these thoughts came and go pretty quickly as well so I haven't actually attempted any of these yet. Being too afraid to actually do any of those plans are probably good too, since that was the exact thought that snapped me out of following through with one of the attempts at the last second.
Secondly, I am tired and insecured for every hour of my life. I'm tired of going out and have to smile at people, making myself look like I'm interested in what they think, helping them with stuff that I could care less, leading groups of people because no one wants to, being blamed when something happened, etc. Sometimes I feel like that I want them to just leave me alone so I can sulk in a corner somewhere, but I can't. So I have to continue go out and be the 'cheerful, friendly, kind and helpful' person that everyone expects me to be. On last Sunday, I had reached a point where I just had to leave everyone in the middle of a conversation and went home because I couldn't take it anymore. I then locked myself up in my room, and cry under a blanket.
I lost interests in all activities that I used to enjoy. I used to enjoy creative writing, art, cooking and heck I'll even add playing computer and board games into the mix. But for the past few years, I realized that the joy was slowly disappearing and now I couldn't get anything from those things anymore. I felt empty, like pieces of my soul somehow broke away from me when I wasn't looking - and when I realized it they're no longer there. Now all I want to do is to just sleep on my bed, and hopefully I won't have to open my eyes ever again.
I can't talk about this to any of my friends or my parents. My parents are people that simply don't believe in depression -- they think it's just people looking for an excuse to be lazy. As for my friends... let's just say I don't want to burden them with my own afflictions. Even if I told them they can't help me, so why bother. They have their own problems to fix. On the other hand, I was also angry at some of the people I would call friends for some of their sanctimonious comments. Nobody came and save me when I needed it most years ago. Sometimes I feel that I probably shouldn't have saved myself all those years ago... since I'm going to die anyway. Probably not 10 years or 20 years from now, but what about 50 years? 60 years?
I feel like a kid throwing a tantrum right now, sorry for bothering you people with my problems.
Writing all that out made me feel better. =)
Edit: Another thing, I don't drink or smoke... Not sure if that's a good thing at this point.
Edited by Trace, 19 July 2012 - 05:33 AM.
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