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[ArthurP]

The last three months have been better than the previous three. You'll note because I haven't been around. Episodes still come, but they don't last long enough for me to come back here at night or during my lunch hour (like now) to find some relief in the shared experience. I've been doing all the things everyone tells you to do (exercise, find activities, socialize) and even I admittedly did (and still do) many of them through a haze of misery they did eventually make things seem better. In fact for a brief moment I can say I was sort of happy. My therapist smiled at me and said, "But you're still depressed," meaning basically while I'd gotten better the root causes where still there and needed to be dealt with. And she was right, but that's why she's the therapist.

Not that you should remember, but my job has always been my trigger. It's not the cause to be sure; only the trigger. Recently, I got my evaluation and it was a decided improvement over six months ago when HR had to speak to me and made me sign a document attesting to that fact which, as we all know, is the first step to them firing you. For a week I felt relieved. A week later, every single moment in office began to fill me with anxiety just like before when I was worried every moment about being fired. With that distraction gone I had to face the reality of everything. My job sets me off because my job continually reminds me that my life is slipping away, being wasted at something I could care less about. It reminds me that I can't find a new job and that I'm trapped there. It reminds me that I could still get fired due simply to the economy like I see every day. It reminds me that others are seemingly able to leave at will, suggesting that I'm the problem. It reminds me that I'm 45 years old (46 this fall) and someone's secretary and it's not likely to get better, much less return to the position I had before I got laid off years ago. it reminds me that others my age have actual careers that they don't have to be ashamed to talk about. It reminds me that I don't make enough to live alone at my age. It reminds me how deep down unhappy I still really am. And that is why for the first time in months, I had to come home during lunch to curl up on the floor and literally cry.

Thanks for reading...

[LucyLynn]

Hi ArthurP,

I am new here so (a week or so). I could have written your post about your job and the stress and anxiety it brings. I am struggling with the same thing. I just had a long talk with my supervisor and for the most part it went okay. Hang in there. I am glad you are doing the things that help with depression like exercising and socializing, etc., and seeing your therapist. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't, only that what you wrote resonates with me.

[ArthurP]

Hi ArthurP,

I am new here so (a week or so). I could have written your post about your job and the stress and anxiety it brings. I am struggling with the same thing. I just had a long talk with my supervisor and for the most part it went okay. Hang in there. I am glad you are doing the things that help with depression like exercising and socializing, etc., and seeing your therapist. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't, only that what you wrote resonates with me.

Thanks. What set me off today is, that in addition to my usual anxiety of simply being there, I discovered a mistake I made. A pretty big one. And even though I scrambled to fix it and think I did, it was devastating to me! It's as if everything that's bothering me is piece of dynamite and my mistake was a match. They all went "boom" inside me. I'm supposed to work out tonight, but all I want to do is just curl up in a big ball and feel sad.

Edited by ArthurP, 18 July 2012 - 05:05 PM.

[LucyLynn]

Everyone makes mistakes, even big ones, at work from time to time. Kudos for catching it and then being able to fix it! That is a valuable asset! I would love to have an employee capable of fixing their
own mistakes! :)

But I also understand how that can just add more stress when you are already struggling. I'm sorry it is all piling on right now. Hang in there and keep sharing.

LucyLynn

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