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[englishrain]

Is it just me, or do you ever feel happier when you're struggling? I'm so used to having some kind of conflict in my life that it becomes the norm for me. Problems with intimate relationships, work, friends. But when things start going smoothly, I start to question everything. I start questioning myself and how I feel about what I'm doing in life and who I am. And I get really really down about it. I can't shake the feeling. I just feel as though I'm bound to screw myself over, it's just waiting to happen to me again. And I feel as though I have no feelings, as though I'm numb. I just don't really care about anyone. I want to care but it's as though I'm not there anymore. The spark of life has kind of died. I need something or someone to fix in order to be happy, then I won't have to focus on what's wrong with me and just get down about all the problems that make up the person I am. Maybe there isn't an abnormal amount of things that are wrong with me, and it's all in my head? But I just don't know how to change my way of thinking. It feels like I'll do something drastic, like emotionally hurt someone close to me or quit my job just to have some kind of unease back in my life. And I feel as though it's just too good to be true. How do I get out of this? Why can't I appreciate that things are finally going my way?

[Trace]

Hi Englishrain

I guess you get used to feeling a certain way, it sort of becomes your norm or even your comfort zone. When that changes, you don't feel like you, you feel different and that can make you feel uncomfortable. You may want to try some form of therapy to help you with the change.

Trace

[IdenticalWorlds]

Is it just me, or do you ever feel happier when you're struggling? I'm so used to having some kind of conflict in my life that it becomes the norm for me. Problems with intimate relationships, work, friends. But when things start going smoothly, I start to question everything. I start questioning myself and how I feel about what I'm doing in life and who I am. And I get really really down about it. I can't shake the feeling. I just feel as though I'm bound to screw myself over, it's just waiting to happen to me again. And I feel as though I have no feelings, as though I'm numb. I just don't really care about anyone. I want to care but it's as though I'm not there anymore. The spark of life has kind of died. I need something or someone to fix in order to be happy, then I won't have to focus on what's wrong with me and just get down about all the problems that make up the person I am. Maybe there isn't an abnormal amount of things that are wrong with me, and it's all in my head? But I just don't know how to change my way of thinking. It feels like I'll do something drastic, like emotionally hurt someone close to me or quit my job just to have some kind of unease back in my life. And I feel as though it's just too good to be true. How do I get out of this? Why can't I appreciate that things are finally going my way?

Hi,

I can definitely relate to this.

It is a common thing with depression, though. It's hard to feel great over achievements and to see what kind of person you really are. I am dealing with the same, so I can't really suggest anything other than try therapy like Trace recommended. Find something that works for you.

I think a lot of people have a struggle between two sides, one that wants everything to go well and another side that wants things to get worse. Maybe because when things go bad you don't have to think highly of yourself, since it's easier to see the bad than all the good?

Eventhough I can't suggest anything, maybe it feels a bit better knowing that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way. With persistance, you'll get through this. If you're in a relationship right now, make that an incentive to work on things more, perhaps?

I'm just offering a subtle suggestion, as I won't be able to provide something very insightful.

[Just Adam]

I have met people who were very similar to how you describe yourself englishrain. Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing therapy, because I suggest it here alot. But I think people who surround themselves with problems are especially good candidates for therapy. Because alot of this can be changed by changing your view of things and therefore changing your decision making choices. Please don't think I'm trying to over-analyze you. Just trying to offer a suggestion.

[zzzsheepyzzz]

Im going through like the exact same thing. I was maniacally depressed, and suicidal. Then I started taking medication, and it really eased out my depression, and social phobias. I feel rather empty though. I think it's because I found an identity with fighting my depression, and struggling for life, and maybe it made me feel 'special' being troubled.

I think the best thing to do is to focus on any kind of passion, or work. For me I'm trying to work on my art and cartooning, creating things can give a sense of fulfilment. Personally I recommend being artistic in some kind of way, or finding a new kind of hobby or anything like that can be really helpful, just something that can break the cycle it sounds like you've created.

Hope any of this helps

[ArthurP]

There's a comfort in being miserable. It's painful but familiar. There will be no surprises. Having to constantly face new things is terrifying and can create horrible anxiety.

[meistersinger]

If you remember the song from the 1960's, I started a joke... That pretty much describes how I've felt the last few decades. Everyone else is happy while they are making me miserable.

[Jeroen]

I lived for years under the false assumption that happiness is overrated. Thankfully, I snapped out of it.

[englishrain]

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to keep busy and get out of this bad slump. It's tough though, I've gotten into the habit of overthinking everything. Looking for things that are wrong. I try not to. But then I ask myself, what if there actually is something wrong there? All of this doubt is driving me crazy. But I'm trying and it's getting a little better. If it doesn't work out for more than a few days, I will seriously consider therapy. I'm trying to tell myself just to be strong and stand up tall against this other self in me that's trying to bring me down, if that makes any sense? And just stop overthinking. I have always been strong willed and I never thought I could be such a prisoner in my own mind.

[Just Adam]

It makes perfect sense Englishrain. I know how you feel.

[Bubblehead]

I know exactly what you mean. You get used to the pain. Miserable is your normal and neutral becomes your happy. When something good comes your way you get scared becouse you don't know what you are supposed to do. I remember few years back something amazing happened to me and I blew it. I started to laugh uncontrollably almost like a madman and acted like a jerk. The thing is I felt happy in that moment. I didn't know how to deal with that unknown fealing, never had it before, not in that magnitude anyway. Getting better can be very scary indeed. Think of it as your ilness trying to fight back. It's really another challange.