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[luzcious40]

I'm not sure what thread to post this under, but I hope I can post here and get some feedback.

If I ramble, I apologize. I've just got so much going on. I lost my job on June 1st, I have no insurance, I have diabetes/hypertension/hypercholesterol, on meds for all. Diabetes is not under control right now. My mom (82) just spent almost a week in the hospital. I was staying with her because she fell and broke a rib. Well, the night I stayed with her she experienced low blood sugar. Was unresponsive, I had to call the ambulance. Found out her kidneys were failing. She just got to go home tonight. I've kind of been distancing myself. I love my mom with all my heart. Finding her like that really scared me. Partly because that could be me, unresponsive. I am single, live alone. What if I have low blood sugar at night? Sunday night I got up every half hour to check my blood sugar, which was totally exhausting.

I have two wonderful sisters who have been visiting my mom in the hospital. One of my sister knows my moms medical history, takes her to her appointments, etc. She really does take care of my mom. I feel guilty because I'm the single one, and yet can't (am scared) to take care of my own mother. I feel like my sisters think I'm not contributing to taking care of her, because I don't want to. Well, I don't want to. I can't deal! I feel like a bad daughter/sister.

Plus, being without a job, I haven't rec'd any of my benefits yet, I live paycheck to paycheck. My phone bill was sky high because I called numerous land lines, I'm always at the gas station putting gas in my car with all the running around I'm doing. I owe my lawyer $600 dollars because I filed bankruptcy last fall. My landlord is letting me live here rent free until I can get back on my feet, which I worry about that. It's awfully generous of them, but I just feel like I should pay them.

I take 40mg of Citralopram and am prescribed .50mg of Xanax to take three times daily as needed. I recently increased my Citralopram from 30 to 40, so I'm having some breakthrough anxiety. So, I'm taking more Xanax than I should. Which, I know I shouldn't. I have an appt to speak with a therapist on Monday. It's at a local university and they work on a sliding scale. I'll be speaking with a student who is "almost there".

I don't have many friends, and I know the few I have are concerned, but I don't want to bother them with my problems. They have their own to deal with.

I just want to run away and hide. But, at the same time, I'm afraid to be alone. OMG, what the heck is going on???

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out. And, I'm sure I'll repeat these exact same things at my appointment on Monday.

Michelle

Edited by luzcious40, 13 July 2012 - 08:21 PM.

[englishrain]

I hope you've been able to feel better since you wrote this. Sometimes life just kicks you when you're down, hey? But if you look at the bright side, you've been getting back up and fighting on. You're continuing to go to appointments. You haven't given up! Which is good. I hope the best for your mother, and it's good to know that I'm sure she truly appreciates you and your sisters being there for her, even if you can't give her all the attention you think she deserves. I get it that sometimes you want to be alone, but deep down you know that's not permanent. Don't forget that you deserve some quiet time to yourself just to relax, and maybe that will allow you to clear your head and make yourself a doable plan for your near future. This will maybe help you realise your options in life and help you see that you have ways to be happy again. It is especially important for you to take some time to relax (even just a little bit every day) since you do have health problems other than depression, and it's good to have a breather sometimes. I know it's hard to be optimistic, but if you can't find much to make you feel better just look at your wonderful family when you're feeling down and remember that they love you as much as you love them, whether or not you are able to give your mom the same care and attention your sisters do. You're still family. Take care, you're not alone:)

[luzcious40]

Hi Englishrain,

Yes, I do feel better since posting this message yesterday. Thank you for your reply.

Last night was rough. I'm trying to decide if my anxiety is truly anxiety or hot flashes. I'm early 40's. It could be my time. Regardless, whatever "it" is stinks. It really takes over, but once I told myself I was having a hot flash, it went away. Weird.

I call my mom several times a day to check on her. She's getting better/stronger with each passing day. I hope she understands my inability to care for her in this time of need. I know she knows I love her very much.

I went to church this morning, something I have never voluntarily done. I went to church with my grandparents when I was a child and later in life when I was in high school with my best friend after a sleepover. But, I never paid attention. When I was in highschool, the only thing I thought about while sitting in church was how soon before we could go to the beach. The service took my mind off of all the worry inside me, the guilt.

Today, I'm doing good. I just have to learn I can only do so much, I have to think of myself first, and to take life one day at a time.

[c4bb0ose]

despite all the flak religion tends to get with post modern thinking, it is always really quite relaxing to just sit in on a service, I am actually tempted to start going by my self or just talking to a priest (I am a baptised catholic, but I have been shying away from it). Priests always seem to have good people skills.