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[mindplague1992]

Hello everyone, my name is James, first time poster long time lurker, and I've suffered with depression pretty much my entire life to varying degrees, the biggest being my middle school days. Depression runs in my family, so I was pretty much born with it, and sometimes I don't get the help I feel I need.

I think this'd be a good time to mention that I have a horrible self esteem. I've been told I'm smart, witty, funny, etc. but I just have incredibly high standards for myself to where I'm barely satisfied with myself. It happens with my schoolwork, my music, everything. I fear for the worst in any situation involving school, to the point where I can barely look at my grades because I fear I've bombed a test or did a bad job on a paper.

I'm also a hypochondriac/cyberchondriac, since I looked up two illnesses I thought I had, went to the hospital, and look at that, they were right on the money. Both required surgeries and both would have killed me if left unchecked (Or at least would require more surgery). Because of this, every time something doesn't feel right, I think it's a life threatening illness. It goes with the self esteem thing where I feel like I have a poor bill of health, even though the doctors say I'm pretty good.

I said I do music earlier. I have 4 years guitar experience and I find it's a good release for me and quite therapeutic. I also love to collect toys like Legos or stuffed animals (More so the former), as childish as that may sound. I hope to get some help here and in turn help people who need me.

[Girly]

Hi James,

Welcome to DF, it is good to have you posting on here, despite being a long time lurker. I hope that you find the support and friendship on here helps you.

Sorry to hear that you have been suffering with depresion for so long. I am another person with very low self esteem and throughout my life I have been told that my self confidence was low. It has taken me a long time to become more self confident. Self esteem can be learnt, for me therapy was wonderful in increasing my self esteem. Have you considered therapy or spoken to a counsellor at all?

I wish I could play the guitar, I love music but I am tone deaf so I listen to a lot of guitar bands instead. I don't think collecting Lego and stuffed animals is childish if it helps you to feel happier go for it.

[mindplague1992]

Thanks for the reassurance, Girly. The reason I think I have a low self esteem is, once again, I hold incredibly high standards for myself but also I don't want to seem like an over-confident and cocky jerk, you know?

[Girly]

Oh yes I know there are some people who come across that way, I think it is important to find a happy medium that you are comfortable with. I too have very high standards at work and when I was a student. If I make a mistake at work it really knocks me back, even though I know I am a good employee.

[Epictetus]

Hi Mindplague1992,


Greetings. I am not a medical professional, but I would like to tell you some things that work for me. I don't know if they will work for you. So I am writing these things just for you to consider. Okay?

Uncertainy is scary and nobody likes it, especially uncertainy about health. I know. But the problem is that worry is not really good for one's health either and can lead to depression and many other health problems. So here is something to consider.

You can try to bring your worry out in the open and do a cost/benefit analysis of it. Don't laugh. I'm serious. Write down the benefits of being constantly worried and in a state of hyper vigilance and the the costs. For example, like you said, checking helped you catch some illnesses in the past. Checking can help you from getting caught by surprise. If you are vigilant, you can avoid having regrets later. But also consider the costs: You can never really relax. You can't stop being vigiliant and checking. You can't enjoy your life moment by moment because you are caught in a fear of a possible future illness. And worry itself, having your brain constatly bathed in stress hormones is bad for the brain and the entire body. Stress hormones are for emergencies, rare events where you must fight or flee something. The brain is not designed to be constantly flooded with stress hormones. It is amazing how many body systems are affected by stress. Vigilance is a kind of stress.

Another thing you might do is set aside some worry time. Set aside 15 minutes where you will give free reign to all your health worries. But then stop and don't worry for the rest of the day and night.

You can try to learn to live with uncertainty. Is what I am worrying about probable or only possible. Health perfectionism is impossible. We all die in end at some time. Freedom for all Regret is also kind of impossible because it is impossible to catch everything. If you catch every incipient illness you will never have a single regret. But is aiming at having zero regrets good for your health.

You can also try flooding, a psychological coping skill for worries about health.

I don't know if this stuff that helps me will help you. Please at least consider my words and keep reading this Forum for the good words of others. I wish you the very best Mindplague!!!!

[calicosky]

Hello there James - heehee I LOVE stuffed animals! To the point where I don't allow myself to buy any more! They are taking over! :) I still have all mine from when I was a kid, too. It sure helps to have something to hug on when you are feeling low.

I can really relate to what you are saying about your schoolwork. I'm no longer in school now, but I had very high standards for myself in that situation in particular.

[mindplague1992]

Hello there James - heehee I LOVE stuffed animals! To the point where I don't allow myself to buy any more! They are taking over! :) I still have all mine from when I was a kid, too. It sure helps to have something to hug on when you are feeling low.

I can really relate to what you are saying about your schoolwork. I'm no longer in school now, but I had very high standards for myself in that situation in particular.

That's why I collect them, to hug something whenever I feel down. In fact I have one with me right now, one of those My Little Ponies that are all the rage now. It was one my friend got me for Easter and I love it.

Same thing for Legos, I love being able to build stuff and be creative.

[Epictetus]

Mindplague1992,

I have a collection of Pikachus.

[lovelettertoapage]

I feel for you with the high standards...your description of yourself is a pretty apt description of me too. I did everything in school over and above. Except I always felt like I was turning a piece of crap until I got the grade back. And when I did see that I did well, I wasn't even that happy...anything less would have been unacceptable. I have poor self-esteem as well; I just find it really hard to believe in myself.

I still sleep with stuffed animals and don't want to get rid of any of the ones I have had since I was a child. I'm 21...whatever. :)

I think playing guitar is awesome! The fact that you can do that should be a boost to your self-esteem! I have a guitar that's been sitting in my closet. :/

I don't have a lot of advice, because I struggle with some of the same things. I definitely relate, though. If I learn anything useful, I'll let you know. :)

[mindplague1992]

I feel for you with the high standards...your description of yourself is a pretty apt description of me too. I did everything in school over and above. Except I always felt like I was turning a piece of crap until I got the grade back. And when I did see that I did well, I wasn't even that happy...anything less would have been unacceptable. I have poor self-esteem as well; I just find it really hard to believe in myself.

I still sleep with stuffed animals and don't want to get rid of any of the ones I have had since I was a child. I'm 21...whatever. :)

I think playing guitar is awesome! The fact that you can do that should be a boost to your self-esteem! I have a guitar that's been sitting in my closet. :/

I don't have a lot of advice, because I struggle with some of the same things. I definitely relate, though. If I learn anything useful, I'll let you know. :)

Just the fact you've taken a walk into my shoes is enough. The reason I came here wasn't just for help when I need it, but also to meet people who I can relate to and who can fully understand me. This rather warm reception is exactly what I'm looking for; people who'll take me in no matter what. :D

Also, the reason I say it's weird for a guy like me to still collect toys is because of my physical self: long hair, a growing beard, a tall, big build (Though I'm a rather normal weight for my height), so seeing a guy like me shopping for a teddy bear is going to have some eyes rolling in my general direction.

[lovelettertoapage]

Well, that's pretty much what I'm here for too. It's hard to understand something unless you've been there. Because of that, I don't feel comfortable talking to most of the people I know about how I feel.

...Maybe people will assume you are shopping for a little sister, niece, baby girl, etc. Haha! It doesn't matter. Sometimes I shop for clothes in the little girl's section, and I like sleeping with night-lights. Teddy bears are rad, as is your profile picture. :D Feel free to message me on here if you want. :)