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[Shad0w]

Warning: This is my first-ever post, and my story is quite long. Parts of this may sound like a cyndicated soap opera, but unfortunately it's all real. There's really no way to give a short, concice version of this story, but I'll try my best since I don't want to bore anyone. I've also changed the names of the people involved to protect... well, me, mostly. I think I'm broken inside, and I want to feel again.
I suppose the start of this was when I was in high school, almost 12 years ago, now. I fancied myself intelligent, and thought I knew everything theat the teachers were trying to teach, and for the most part I was right, because I read my textbooks recreationally and had finished them by halfway through the year. I never did my homework, because I decided that it was a tool to enforce memorization (which I didn't need), but always scored well on tests and whatnot. I had a friend (for the sake of this thread I'll call him "Steve"; that's a pretty generic name, right?) who was pretty much the only person I really hung out with, and just recently his single mother had both married and divorced a guy after about 6 months. Myself, Steve, his brother, and the stepdad's two kids (a girl and a boy, both high schoolers in a local charter school) had hung a lot over the time, went to the fair, etc., and after Steve's mom left their dad, I still hung out with them and Steve both (though he didn't associate with them as per his mother's decree).
There was a girl at school that I'd been interested in for the better part of a year, named "Mora", and I was utterly in love with her. I'd been 'courting' her for some time (meaning we'd talk, hang out, do things together, etc.) and I got the feeling she liked me, too, so I asked her out, only to be shot down in as gentle a way as possible (she was moving to NY state in a few months, and didn't want to start a relationship that would be doomed to failure). We agreed to remain friends, and did just that.
By the time a week was out, she was kissing Steve in the lunchroom. I confronted him about it, since he knew I liked her (a lot), and he told me that he had 'dibs' on her because he liked her first. I was heartbroken in the way only an angsty teenager could be. Oddly, Mora didn't seem to be especially thrilled about snogging Steve around every corner, and still tried to be friendly with me as though nothing was wrong. In any case, I cut Steve off completely, and started hanging out solely with his ex-siblings, which led to me dating the girl. Asking why I'd been down of late and hearing my morose response, she gushed that she'd been in love with me from day one, etc, and so I rebounded on her, and we started dating.
This was the biggest mistake of my life: Over the summer, I turned 18... and she turned 14.
I had never even asked her how old she was; we were both in high school (I was a senior, she was a freshman), she was as tall as I was (though I admit I'm short), etc. We had never moved past 'making out' during this period (and that had only happened maybe three or four times) but the fact that I was 18 and she wasn't presented a huge issue for me, so I broke up with her. We remained friends and still hung out... or rather she was present when I was hanging out with her brother "Mike", three years her senior.
A relatively boring year passed. I mad some new friends (gamer-nerds like myself, mostly), got a job at McDonald's, and generally lived life. I started dating a girl named "Amber", who had an absurdly over-protective mother, and basically thought I was some gypsy-devil come to take away her daughter, and also said I shouldn't associate with Mike and his sister, since they weren't of age, because it looked suspicious. Steve and I 'made up' during this time, since Mora had moved to NY and I wan't exposed to someone I called a friend playing tonsil-hockey with the girl he knew I liked, but he insisted that he would make their long-distance relationship work by calling her every day, etc. It was during that time that he also started making really sleazy remarks about what they'd do when they next met, which p***** me off for some reason (in hindsight, the reason was that I wasn't actually over her). Shortly after we had become friends again, I pulled away once more.
In the spring of my 19th year, I borrowed a computer from one of my friends so that I could play Half-Life online. I had moved into a small 1-bedroom apartment, and had to sell my own to pay the deposit. Amber came over all the time, and eventually asked if she could move in with me, but I barely had enough room for myself in there, and I didn't think we'd reached to that point in our relationship. I still gave her a key, at her request, because her Mom wouldn't let her watch anime because it was 'too violent', and I had a rather large collection. Steve had flown to NY, and brought Mora back with him, much to my initial dismay, though she still acted as though we were best friends every time I saw her). I learned that the reason she had been forced to move in the first place had been that her own parents had gotten a divorce, and her Mom had family there. She said she didn't want to tell me about it because it was so depressing, and that Steve had kinda forced the info out of her back in school, and said that he'd gone through it recently himself, assuring her that he could make it all better by being her boyfriend. She said their relationship was garbage, and he was a jerk who only kissed her all slobbery-like in front of me. She started avoiding him, and I already did, so we started chatting online into the wee hours, going roller skating (we were probably the only ones over the age of 12 that were ever there), and so on. Amber was p***** about it, and accused me of cheating, which I denied because Mora and I were just friends (to my unhappiness), and that she was with Steve (to my anger). She said I spent all my time with Mora instead of her (which was true) and said if I valued our relationship (which I pretty much didn't anymore) I'd put in more effort. After that, I didn't see her for about a week.
And then I was arrested.
Before moving on, I should say that the extent of my knowledge about the legal system was what I'd gleaned from watching Judge Judy. I'd never been in trouble for anything before, and freaked out pretty bad when I was cuffed and thrown into a cop car. Next thing I knew, I was in jail, accused of possession of 'inappropriate imagery' on my (borrowed) computer. Amber been looking around on it (I suspect looking for logs of my chats with Mora) and had found it in a hidden folder, called her Mom, asking her what she thought she should do about it, and then her Mom called the police. While on the line, she spouted all kinds of theories about how I was some kind of deviant, and associated with underage girls.
The police asked me if I'd dated Mike's sister, and I said yes. They asked what we'd done, and I told them. A few days later I was arraigned in court, told I was a child molester, and that they wanted to put me in prison for about 100 years. Then they asked if I was ready to enter a plea, and I started crying. The judge remarked that he assumed that meant 'no', and assigned me a Public Defender. I told Mr. Defender that it wasn't even my computer, and that I sure as hell didn't download that trash, and he, (likely knowing he wasn't going to get paid,) explained that I was in possession of it, which was what the charge was, so "we've moved past that part."
He assured me that the best way out of the situation was to acccept a plea deal. I asked him what that meant, and he explained that it meant I was saying I was guilty but not that I actually was guilty - that it was saying, 'I won't argue with the issue of my innocence, but I don't want to defend myself'. In any case, he said that if I signed a piece of paper that it meant I might get probation, or go to jail for a maximum of 10 years, which at the time seemed a whole lot better than 100. I signed it, not really knowing or caring about the details. I was scared to death, and saw this as a ray of hope.
Oh, how naiive was that...? I didn't understand what would happen while I was there or when I got home...
I spent the next 3 years in state prison being called 'pretty' by huge, mean-looking inmates with shaved heads, and 'Harry Potter' by the guards - when they weren't laughing about how they didn't know they let 14-year-old kids in prison. I was stabbed in the back with a 4-inch spike of melted plastic for being a 'chester', and put into protective custody, which isn't actually any safer than anywhere else. What it did do was expose me to what real predators were, because I was surrounded by their leers and general creepiness. What was worse than them, though, was the staggering number of 18-20 year olds who were basically in the same boat as myself.It was also during this time that my parents wrote and told me that they didn't have any sons who were criminals, especially not the kind I was. (After all, I plead guilty, right?) I cried until I couldn't anymore. I became jumpy and suspicious of everything, and constantly was looking behind myself. I didn't sleep, couldn't eat, and was terrified and at the bottom of an emotional pit for three years.
Fast forward through those 3 years. I was released and sent back to the (very small) town I had come from, and given a new set of rules that I had to follow for the next 5 years, or else I'd be sent right back to prison. They gave me $300, put me up in a sleazy hotel for 2 weeks, and said I had better find a place to live in that amount of time, or I wouldn't have one. Furthermore, I was told that I'd have to register as a Sex Offender until I die.
I took out a student loan and got FAFSA and enrolled in the local Jr. College as a way to get cash while I looked for work and a place to live (The timing was convinient, though I had to register late and got about a third of what I would have.) Ultimately, I bought a rinky-dink 60's-model trailer in a crappy trailer park. It leaked everywhere, and looked like it would disintegrate if I tried moving it (not that I could, since I had no car). Finding work was impossible. Every time an employer would look at an application, they'd see the 'criminal record' entry and either briefly glare at me or double-take, then say they weren't hiring. I should point out that the town I was living in was within spitting-distance of a prison (though not the one I was sent to), so a majority of the population were in some way associated with prison guards, which didn't help anything. Before long, what little cash I had was dwindling and I still couldn't find work. I started to doubt everything - and by everything I mean EVERYTHING - and began wondering if maybe prison was better than struggling fruitlessly.
One day towards the end of the semester, I went to see a movie and was attack-hugged by Mora, who worked there and had just gotten done for the day. (To this day I still feel guilty about that moment, because my first reaction was, 'she's attacking me, punch her!', and I tensed up and was genuinely about to do it.) She cried and said she'd missed me, asked why I hadn't been in contact, etc. I just stood there. It was like my emotions weren't working right, and it took literally a minute before I even felt something like comfort spark to life from somewhere inside.
I didn't watch the movie, and instead talked to her for 2 hours, which was the first time I'd really spoken to anyone after coming home. Sh was exxactly how I remembered her, but she pointed out that I seemed 'on edge' and that I kept looking around like I expected someone other than her to jump out at me, which made me feel pretty awful. I learned that she and Steve had moved in together, and that she was generally miserable. He was an even bigger jerk than before, and now expected her to marry him, and even though she had told him no, he still just kept acting like she hadn't. She told me she'd tried to break up with him, and he told her no, that he wouldn't break up with her. She invited me to a cookout that she was having with her few friends, and, since she was the first human contact I'd had since then, I said yes.
So I went, and Steve was there. The first thing he did was tell me that Mora and he were getting married, which she said on the spot was not true. And then he gave her this look - one I'd seen in prison - and told her they'd discuss it later. Mora ran away from the cookout, and I followed. We went back to my place and she told me he was mean to her, yelled at her, and had tried to force himself on her multiple times after their first time (which she described as 'mercifully brief', and had been the only time in the 5 years they'd been together). I told her she could stay with me if she felt unsafe, and asked why she didn't contact the police. She said that she did, but they said she needed evidence, and Steve had made efforts to make it up to her each time.
Knock knock. Steve arrived, and, long story short, she told him to get out of her life. He went back to their apartment, boxed up everything that was her's and threw it away. Then he went to the bank and closed their joint account (though we didn't find that out for a week or so).
With that, Mora was back in my life, and things become good-ish. Fun, if I lowered my defenses enough to have any. I slept on the ground in a sleeping bag and she slept in the 'bed' (such as it was) for about a week, and then she moved in with a friend of hers.
The semester ended, and I ran out of money. Nobody would hire me (I was called 'An undesirable' one time) and it was two months until the start of the next term, so I did something I'd never done before and lied on an application about my record. I was hired within a week.
The diner was fine; I worked graveyard-shifts and generally cleaned gunk out of filters and scrubbed deep friers for minumum wage, but I had income. Plus, Mora came and saw me everyday. I asked her why she didn't hate me the way everyone else seemed to, and she told me that it was obvious I was railroaded by the system, because she knew me, and knew her, and knew nothing had happened. We began dating that night.
And then Steve started dating his ex-sibling, AKA my 'victim'.
I found out at work, when I saw the two of them at the restaraunt, or rather when they saw me. They came in late one night and I wound up being their server, since the actual guy was on a cigarette break. As though in respons to my presence, the two started making out in the booth and I got them kicked out for it. One of my co-workers asked if I knew them, (because he did) and said they'd started going out a few months ago. (Doing the math in my head, it came out to be pretty much the same time me and Mora got together.) A few days later I was called into the boss's office, and ultimately fired for lying on my application. Steve's new girlfriend told their friend there that I had raped her, and asked why they'd given me a job in the first place, and he told the boss. I gave them a copy of the police report, pointing out that when the police had questioned her, she verified my story (that we'd made out a few times, went on a number of dates, and that was pretty much the whole relationship). My boss told me that I probably had plead to lesser charges to avoid a trial, and by doing so I suppressed what really happened.
Losing my job hit me hard. Mora moved in with me into the tiny trailer so that we could pay rent (which made me feel even worse), but before long it was time for school to start again, and this time I was able to get the whole amount of financial aid I should have. (They wouldn't give me another loan, though, so it was actually less than I'd gotten before.)
I was in school approximately 2 days before I was called before the school president for stalking Steve's girlfriend. According to him (according to her) I followed her home the night before and she had to call the police. I told him that was ludicrous, that if she had I'd be in prison for violating the conditions of my parole, but he said it was irrelevant; the fact that she was enrolled there meant I couldn't be. I fought it, and proved that he had no right to do it unless she had a restraining order. So she got one, which the judge put into effect, in spite of the fact that she didn't even show up for the hearing, 'due to the history of the case'. On the way out of the courtroom, I spotted Steve grinning at me.
I should have wanted to jump across the little wooden wall and punch him, but I didn't. I didn't feel anything. And when Mora held me and told me it would be all right, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel sad anymore, or even angry. Just... nothing. I don't think I felt good for two or three months, and then what I felt was terror, because Mora was pregnant.
We spent nine months knowing that, morally, we couldn't abort him, and also that we couldn't keep him. Or, rather, she could, and I couldn't be a part of her life. She decided (against my will, which was that she should keep him and leave me) to give our son up for adoption. Having her there, in our tiny trailer, for those months, as (against every ounce of my being) I grew attatched to my unborn son, was a special kind of hell. Mora and I could barely speak to each other without the subject turning sad and one of us (and by that I mean her; I couldn't, for some reason) crying.
The day came. The adoption paperwork was all in place and we had already surrendered him to the adoption servive, but that didn't stop the elite Social Services agents from swooping in hours after he was born and trying to take him, and also trying to arrest me. (Since I was in the delivery room when he was born, holding Mora's hand during labor, and to them that meant I had been 'exposed to a minor', which meant I'd violated my parole, which meant they were going to try and send me back to prison.) A nurse actually told the officer that the two of us had been regularly coming in for visits, and they knew the whole story, and she actually chewed the Social Services people and the cop out. They removed me from the room and said I had to go home, that I couldn't be in the maternity ward with Mora overnight while she recovered because doing so would 'put children at risk'.
That was probably the longest night I ever had up to that point. I began to question if I really was some kind of monster that was worthy of peoples' revulsion and fear. I just sat in the dark, alone, and thought the whole night. Mora called at about 7:30 am, crying, because she had woken up and I wasn't there. In spite of the nurse's advice (and mine) she walked home and I held her while she slept, and felt dead inside.
Sam got a different job which paid better than the theater, I became a 'housewife', and both of us hated and resented it. Steve and his girlfriend would show up at her job and hang out in her department, speaking in loud voices from the next isle (so that she could hear them) about how there are so many rapists running around free, and what Steve could do about it. Mora told her manager about them, and her manager tried to convince her to leave me because I was obviously manipulating her (otherwise she'd never have given up her baby). Mora quit her job there and went to work at a local coffee hut... which Steve and his girlfriend started frequenting to make large orders and then flip her off as they sped through the drive-thru. We actually reached a point where we could ignore their crap, but like usual in my life, whenever something starts to get better, that means its about to get worse.
Parole called me one day out of the blue and told me that they were transferring me to the next county. Numb, I asked why, and was told that it was to get you-know-who off of their backs. She'd been calling them frequently and saying that she was afraid to go outside her own front door because she might see me, which was pretty much exactly what she needed to tell them to make this happen. (I blame Google for that.) I asked them, if I was doing all of this, why hadn't I been arrested, and was asked, "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to be? Because we can send someone to your place to pick you up within 5 minutes, smartass. Is that what you want?" In any case, I had 3 days to pack up and report to the office there, and it wasn't their problem that I didn't have a car.
Having to leave Mora behind was, I think, even worse than losing our son, or at least it was at the time. They again put me in a slummy hotel for 2 weeks, but as Mora wasn't my wife they didn't have to do anything for her. After arriving in the new roach motel, I screamed into the mattress until I passed out. It destroyed me that Steve and her could do this - lie, and ruin my life - and get away with it. The icing on the cake, though, was when I was sitting in the local Border's, checking classifieds in the newspaper, when none other than Steve and his girlfriend meander on into the store, lugging a bunch of shopping bags from various stores around the mall. I should have screamed, 'Oh, that's nice, so you're so scared of me you can't step outside your door, but you can drive 90 miles to the place you know I am and go shopping?!', but I couldn't work up the energy to be angry. I couldn't even laugh incredulously. I just felt numb. Everything was meaningless.
Those two weeks came and went swiftly, and I found myself homeless and 25. I tried staying at the shelter, but the thought of being locked in a room with three other people in the dark scared that idea out of me quickly, so I started sleeping in bus shelters and whatnot, (I use the term 'sleeping' loosely.) I called Mora from payphones and listened to her cry everyday, but every day I felt like I cared less and less that she was, which made me hate myself even more than I already had begun to. One time she said that she'd come and be homeless with me, 'because being homeless with you is better than having one without me in it', and I yelled at her that she was stupid, and that she didn't understand anything, and hung up on her. After that, I kinda figured that I'd never see her again, but, as she loves to do, she proved me wrong.
She sold the trailer to some wacko that wanted to restore it and got 3 times the amount I paid for it, which was way too much. Then she rode a bus 90 miles to where I was, and proceeded to ride late busses around on the (correct) assumption that I'd be at a bus stop, got off, and told me that she wanted to know what it was like. She didn't get her wish for more than a night, though; in the morning she said, "Now that I know, let's get an apartment, OK?" And so we did, the day before we eloped.
We've been living here now for 3 years. My parole is finally over, and I should feel relieved... but I don't. Just the other day we were in a grocery store, and were pulled aside by the manager and asked to leave because a "concerned mother" recognized me "from the list", and told him that she "felt unsafe for her children with people like (me) in the store". Mora was irate, but to me it just... I didn't feel sad, or angry, or anything, I just felt dead inside. I still can't find work, and I used to resent it, but I don't anymore because I can't find the strength to be upset. I feel like I should be, but I'm not. I don't feel anything at all. I've had everyhing taken away, and it's like there's nothing left, and it feels like what's here isn't even important anymore. We have no money, no car, a tiny studio apartment that we pay too much for in rent, bad credit (after I caught pneumonia last winter and couldn't pay the hospital or our bills for 3 months), and, of course, the stigma associated with my sex offender jacket that will follow me - and her - for the rest of my life.
I don't even feel anything for Mora some of the time, and she's proven on multiple occasions that she'd do anything for me, and I owe her everything... I've actually thought about leaving her, so that she could have a normal life, but when I told her she said that we'd both be miserable, and I know she's right... most of the time. While I type this, I think I wouldn't care if she wasn't here anymore, but I don't really know; I miss her when she's gone, but don't feel 'good', or even 'better' when she's with me lately. I don't know if I've 'fallen out of love' with her, or if I'm just screwed up insode, since I don't feel anything for anyone else, either. I know I don't want to not be in love with her, because I remember having fun and that being with her felt wonderful, but those memories are like watching a movie or something; you know the couple is happy because they're smiling and laughing and stuff, but if not for that you wouldn't. That's how it feels.
Mora herself has been really down lately because our son's adoptive parents wrote and sent her pictures (they do that from time to time), and she knows we can never have one of our own, lest CPS descend like vultures and cast the child into the foster care system (which she has absolutely 0% faith in). Whenever they write I swear to myself I won't look at them, and then always do anyway, which feels like re-opening the wound, so to speak. Maybe my wiring is all messed up and I can only feel bad things.
I don't even really know why I'm writing this. I don't know if I'm asking for help, or asking what's wrong with me, or what... I guess I thought that writing it out might make me feel better, or something, but all I relly feel now is apprehension about whether or not even more people I've never met will hate me.

[Epictetus]

Hi SHADOW.

I am reading your post right now. I want to read it carefully so I don't miss something. Until then I want to congratulate you for sharing on the Forum. You are not alone. Take care for now.

[Epictetus]

Hi SHADOW,

I read your post. I think it's good that you posted here on the Forum. I think it helps to release stress and that it's also good to get things on paper that are in your mind. It sound like you've had a rough time, real rough. Now that you are a member here, you can post any questions you have, any worries, concerns. I didn't really see any questions in your post. I will look it over it again. The thing about life is that every day is a new one, a chance to begin again. The fact that you are thinking about your life, calling it into question is a good sign. If you feel bad about some things from the past, I can't see any purpose in beating yourself up mentally. Wish I could be more helpful. I think other people on the Forum will probably be more helpful. I don't know that much. Best to you SHADOW.

[depressedgrad]

I don't hate you. I hate that this has happened to you. I actually know someone that this same sort of thing happened to. It is awful and I certainly feel for you. It is very obvious that this girl loves you and will do anything for you.
I can't help but wonder if there is some sort of legal help for you. I don't know how these things work, but perhaps there is someone who would be willing to help you for free if you can show them that you are innocent. I'm grasping at straws here. In the meantime, I really think you should see someone. A therapist, a counselor, a support group, someone. I think it would really help you sort things out and deal with this grief (which is what a lot of this appears to be).

[somwan]

that is quite the story! im sure nobody here will hate you, the system sucks and we all know it. im sorry to hear your being treated so horribly, absolutely no one should be treated like that! keep it in you heart that one person, mora, loves you unconditionally, no matter what...and that is pretty rare. maybe try and find a place where you can have a fresh start, where nobody knows you, and your record wont be such a hinderance to your life...i dont know if its possible, not being a part of that system, but there must be some way of clearing your name, wether it be malpractice on the lawyers part or what not. i dont know, just figured i'd throw some kind of suggestion out to you, not everyone in the world is bent on hate, there is hope.

[Shad0w]

Thanks for reading, all.

@ Ep1ctetus: I suppose my question was "why don't I feel anything anymore?". Sorry if I wasn't concice. I don't get upset or sad or happy or anything. Caring about things feels like it would be too much trouble, most of the time. It's like my emotions are stuck in neutral, except sometimes I'll feel bitter about the universe in general, or... I guess the word is helplessness.
[Edit]: A better word for it is 'despair'.

@ depressedgrad: Regretably, as I pled No Contest at the advice of my Public Defender, I lost my right to appeal or review my case. My best (and really only) bet is to get a pardon from the Governor, which isn't going to happen; in order to get something like that you need to show that you've been "rehabilitated" and are "a useful member of society". Since nobody will hire me because of my offense, it looks like I haven't done that on paper.
I have severe trust issues, and have a hard time opening up to people (in prison, it was the person who was the closest thing I had to a 'friend' who stabbed me, which was probably why whoever had him do it chose him to), and the only experience I've had with psychs and therapists were from the Department of Corrections, and talking to them felt like an interrogation. They kept telling me to 'feel my guilt over what I've done' so that I could get over it, and trying to perscibe me every drug in the book to deal with my 'issues'. (That's why I'm posting here, in relative anonymity.)

@ somwan: Mora is the only reason I haven't given up entirely, and that's why, now that I just feel dead all day, even when she's with me, I'm posting here, so someone can tell me how to fix me.
The problem with moving somewhere (anywhere) else is the Megan's/Jessica's Law registry. I have to report to the police and have my address, offense (which only lists the charges, not the details or the fact that it happened over 10 years ago), and a mugshot-style photo posted online within 3 days of me moving anywhere. (I also have to update said info yearly, within a week of my birthday. Many happy returns.) Failure to do so is apparently a crime, punishable by up to 5 years in prison. Because of the reistry, there is no place to go where nobody knows me, because anywhere I go there are overbearing neighboorhood-watch nutcases or people like the woman from a week ago who recognized and remembered my picture from the approximately 150-something people from my town on the list. I'm terrified that someday some self-righteous vigilante-wannabe is going to hurt Mora because of me. I mean, just Google it; it happens more often than I'd like to think about...

Edited by SHAD0W, 06 July 2012 - 03:02 PM.

[somwan]

as for how to fix the deadness..im not entirely sure how...but understand why you feel that way. you have been through a lot of mental and emotional stress, the dead feeling is your mind saying "its too much, cant deal with it...sorry" and shutting down. it can also be caused by keeping those emotions locked inside, to be outwardly strong to everyone else. one thing my friend has repeatedly told me is to just sit down and think about everything you are greatful for. i've tried meditation, some of those things can work for the right person...ties along with the what are you greatful for part a little. wouldnt hurt to give it a shot, you obviously have access to the internet, so try listening to one of the self guided meditation mp3's floating around out there. also, it dosnt hurt just to escape, even if it means bringing out the inner child for a bit and stringing up a bed sheet tent to crash in for the night. think about something that brought you joy as a child, something you used to do, or something you were extremely good at and proud of it, and bring it back into the now. all easier said than done, i know, im being preached these things every day, but it can help if you believe it will.

[depressedgrad]

Don't let your experience with therapy in prison prevent you from getting help now. I'm sure a regular therapist would be more than understanding of your situation and will want to actually help you.

[zzzsheepyzzz]

Reading this story truly made my eyes tear up.

You are a tremendously strong and anyone should commend you for having moved through all the stuff it sounds like you have.

Although I am 21, and have not gone through the hardships it sounds like you have,
I definatly can relate to the feeling of nothingness, and the being ****ed over bit.

It's almost like (I find) that having strong emotions in either direction just uses too much energy, I am worried that I can't love, or feel love,
and spend alot of time in solitude.

I don't know if any of these suggestions can be applicable to you, but I think you're really lucky to have Mora, and that she loves you. I think you two, if possible, should try and find some activities to do together, like cards or board games, or something, (I really hope Im not being insulting or immature to what I know is a really complex situation).

Personally I don't really have anyone I am at all intimate with, it's maybe one of my problems, I have more of an imaginary friend.
You're post was really well written, I have to say. Like from a story-telling point of view, I don't, again want to sound ridiculous, but has maybe writing novels/short stories ever been an idea to you? I mean if you have a lot of spare time, and focusing on something, especially something which promotes the imagination is a terrific way to escape. Even for a hobby. I'm somewhat of a cartoonist/painter myself, although Im still tremendously empty and depressed, it does add some flavour and identitiy to my life. Just stretching your body, and washing your face with cold water. Sort of adding up the little things. Reciting poetry out loud, thinking of tiny fun ways to escape.

These are just some things that I do, I find the outside world rather hard to deal with, but creative outlets are really great ways to lighten things up, or to express your emotions.

Hope any of this helps

Ps heres a little thingy I created awhile ago, if for no other reason of boredom or whatever you or anyone wants to check out..

http://i12.photobuck...im/IMG_0053.jpg

http://i12.photobuck...im/IMG_0054.jpg

http://i12.photobuck...im/IMG_0055.jpg

http://i12.photobuck...im/IMG_0056.jpg

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Edited by zzzsheepyzzz, 06 July 2012 - 09:34 PM.

[dstark000]

Hey Shadow,

You are incredible for having endured the things that happened to you. Its frightening to think about how somebody can be utterly railroaded by the "justice" system like you did. I know for certain that many people, including myself, would not be able to show the strength that you have. Try not to give up on the strength of your character. It really is a valuable quality that few people possess.

It seems like its impossible to move on so long as you are tied to the sex offender registry. As someone suggested before, have you tried contacting a lawyer to help you out with it? Depending on where you live, there may be lawyers who are willing to help people in your circumstance out of charity. Perhaps they could help you with a letter writing campaign to get the attention of your governor. Its admittedly a long shot. Still, its good that you have a working computer and internet access. You also are a very articulate writer so all the tools are available.

Finally, have you looked into moving to a completely different country like some place in central or south america? I know that its a really dramatic move but it could give you a clean slate and the opportunity to start anew with Mora who sounds like a terrific girl who really cares for you. The process for immigration is a really long and expensive one but it could be something long term for you to work at. This is something that my parents personally did after the communist take over in their country. They just got into a fishing boat and sailed off into the Pacific Ocean during the middle of the night hoping somebody would pick them up at sea.

I really hope things start taking a turn for a better and want you to know that we are all here for you if you ever want to talk.

Edited by dstark000, 07 July 2012 - 01:13 AM.

[Shad0w]

@somwan: Ironically, I have no problems with getting in touch with my inner child; I still get up early on saturdays to watch cartoons and play Pokemon at age 29 (in case my avatar didn't give it away). The problem with that is that I can't be like that anywhere but at home, for fear of someone accusing me of 'appealing' to their kid, which has happened before. Mora and I went to see the newest Pokemon movie last year (the first time one had been theatrically released since we were like 12), and we made costumes, brought our DSs, the whole nine yards. I had a plush Turtwig pinned to my hat, which a little boy thought was just about the coolest thing ever, but his father must have recognized me based on the way he yanked the poor kid away from me and the death-glare I recieved. Situations like that have happened on multiple occasions (like just last week, and then I was just shopping), so whenever I'm not at home I'm practically afraid to act like... well, like 'me'.
I think you're right, and that I have shut down inside. (After all, if I don't feel anything, I can't be huirt, right...?) I just don't know how to switch back "on" again. I've tried meditation before, but I don't have the faith in it necessary to achieve any kind of relaxation or state of epiphany. biddhism itself seems to synch itself with my philosophies, but that also requires a level of clarity which I absolutely do not possess. Religion in general in my opinion is a joke, and not comforting at all. We only know 2 people in this whole f****** town, and they're a pair of barfly party-hounds that me and Mora don't synch with at ALL. (We don't drink, do any drugs or anything else remotely dangerous or self-destructive, so we're pretty boring at parties) so niether of us would call them 'friends'. (Plus, she's pregnant now, so we've pulled away even further, now.) My family thinks I'm some kind of deviant, and Mora's (whom I've never met, other than her Mom) live in New England, which is literally as far east from here as I can go without getting wet. (I'm in California; not sure if I mentioned that before, now that I think about it...)

@depressedgrad: ... That would involve trust. I don't have a lot of that to begin with, especially with psychs. Sorry if that's harsh, but I think it's a conflict of interest for someone to listen to someone's problems and say they want to help you while recieving payment for doing so.

@ zzzsheepyzzz: You're not being insulting. Mora and I already do pretty much everything you suggested. When it comes to escapism, we're both experts. The problem for me (and lately her too) is the return home to the real world.
Thanks for thinking my post was well-written, that actually made me smile a bit. The only career I've ever seriously considered was being a fiction novelist (the only things that I took in college were English, Anthropology, History, Sociology and Art), but I don't think any publisher would want to have a client with my 'reputation', not to mention potential encounters at book-signings (authors do that, right?) with self-righteous 'guardian-of-the-children' types. If I recieved any kind of notoriety whatsoever (even pen-names are easily routed thanks to the internet) I'd be afraid of the kind of spotlight it would put me in because it would destroy what little comfort in anonymity that I have.

@dstark000: I don't know if it's strength or just acquiescence, but thanks anyway. As I mentioned before, when my (free) lawyer convinced me to take a plea deal (so that he didn't have to do any work he wouldn't get paid for), I lost all rights to appeal my case at a later date, so I'm burnt as far as that's concerned. Also, I don't have my own computer; I get on one at our public library for 30 minutes a day (which is all I can get even if nobody's on one, unless I'm sneaky, which I try not to be), or if I'm at our only 'friend's' place, which is practically never (see above).
Immigration to anyplace does cost a ton of money, and Mora and I barely eke by paycheck to paycheck. Plus, most civilized countries have something like a registry and I doubt many would want a 'criminal' like me moving into their territory. (Canada won't even let me visit them.)

Thanks all for reading, and thanks to the 5/160 people who actually have responed.

Edited by SHAD0W, 07 July 2012 - 03:45 PM.

[depressedgrad]

If you don't trust a professional that you are paying, then what about a support group for people that are in your situation? Like I said, I know someone who this same sort of thing happened to. Sadly, it seems to happen more often than people think. Perhaps there are others that you could get together with, build some trust, and help each other through these dark times. I'm only suggesting this because I really feel like you could benefit from having someone who really understands to talk to.

[somwan]

i lived in emotional shut down for a long time...actually trying to get back there...but one thing i think i understand in your position is you seem to be too focused on what others think of you, because your past is sitting too far forward in your mind, and its only sees the negatives that reflect directly towards that past. i know its possible because ive done it for years, try to use that empty feeling to your advantage..kind of focus it on blocking out the negative instead of the positive...to feel dead the right way. im thinking one of the reasons your having trouble turning back on is linked to how it must have been in prison, having to constantly look over your shoulder and try and predict what the others are thinking all the time, to stay one step ahead so you can survive. im not sure how, but when you go to a place, you gotta stop caring what others think of you, its really the only way to be yourself, and get back to enjoying life. if something happens like with that kid, just look away and remind yourself "i just dont care", and try to believe it, because it dosnt matter what they think of you, its what YOU think of yourself...another thing i've been told over and over, only you can make you happy...therapy and this forum are really just to try and help you to think on a different wavelength. another thing that could help (just realized it) is look through the other posts, and do what im doing here, try to help another person with their problem...for me its helped a bit, with helping someone else, some things you write to try and help them sinks into yourself, and helps you look at things in your own life from a different perspective...also, for you i've been quoting my friend alot, and in doing so kinda made the message sink in on a deeper level, where i can understand it rather than shrugging it off as "i cant do it".
one other thing i've learned, baby steps are the key to fixing anything in life, it can be a long process, but overall the mind is more powerful than most people think...it can be a real jerk at times, but overall you have control over it, to make your reality whatever you want it to be. i dont know for sure, but i think if you get past events to be in the past for you, where you dont care about them anymore, you'll find alot of doors open up to you. im guessing some of your problems with work may be because you have these things so far forward in your mind, worrying they will cause you failure, and your body language projects that...(i dont know, applying for a job there sounds different than here). you know your worth better than them, so its their loss, not yours.
im hoping none of this is negative advice

[dstark000]

Hey Shadow,

I apologize in advance if I missed some information earlier but to my understanding, you mentioned that you could get off the registry if you received a pardon from the Governor providing you show that you've been rehabilitated. I understand that you had a bad experience with the public defender and I agree that he gave you poor advice that was motivated by his own self interest. It was wrong and absolutely nobody deserved to be in that situation. However, there are some good lawyers out there who do believe in public service although they may be rare. I really do think that it might be worthwhile to contact some sort of organization like the ACLU. Undoubtedly, its going to be a long shot and it will be a lot of work. But, there may be people out there who can help you put together the evidence that you need to get a decent shot at receiving a pardon from the governor. I would think that having a clean record for a certain amount of time has to count for something. At the very least, it'll give you something to do to occupy your mind and a long term goal to work at.

Also, does the pardon have to be from the Governor of California? It may be advantageous to look around for other states that may be more lenient with this sort of thing. I'm not suggest that you do anything illegal but if there is an avenue in the legal system that you can take advantage of, its definitely worth exploring. From some rudimentary online research, it seems like some states are more lax about this sort of thing. Again, I apologize if I'm offering advice that you've already looked into or that doesn't apply to your circumstance. I would try to offer you some sort of spiritual or emotional advice but I feel it would be patronizing since I've never been in a situation like yours. Also, I notice that the forum moves surprisingly fast and that this post might get eventually buried. If you do get this message and would like to continue having somebody to listen to you, you're welcome to pm me. I'd be happy to continue hearing whatever is on your mind.

Edited by Trace, 10 July 2012 - 06:21 AM.
Removed personal e-mail address

[Shad0w]

@depressedgrad: My mistrust of 'professionals' is part of why I'm posting here. I figured that the advice of other people (or those like myself) would be more useful than the rehearsed lines and methods of a professional with absolute zero empathy.

@somwan: 1-way emotional 'armor' for me seems unobtainable. I can't seperate negative from positive easily, so it doesn't really work. when I'm shut down ('armored'), I can't feel good or bad, and every time I retreat into this state it's harder to get out, which I don't like.
I am constantly preoccupied with what people think about me, because if I'm not aware of what other people may be thinking, I could find myslef sitting across from a cop in an interrogation room because of 'suspicion' from some 'concerned parent' or some crap like that, and I'd likely sit in jail until it was sorted out. (After all, they can't put the public at risk by letting a 'dangerous' person like me loose if I actually had done something... )

@dstark000: You didn't misinterperet me, I misinterpereted you. No worries. Anyway, the pardon would have to come from here because this is where my offense happened. Thanks for the idea (I hadn't thought of it), but it's a no-go, just like everything else...
Some states are more (what's the word...) I'll rephrase that: Some states are less anal-retentive about cases like mine, like Idaho or Hawaii, but at present we can't even move because we're pretty much broke thanks to my worthless ***.

[depressedgrad]

I do hope you find someone who really truly understands that you can talk to. Like I said, I think it would help you immensely. Hopefully there are others in your area that are in the same boat as you that you can get in contact with. In the meantime, you have everyone here. We may not understand entirely what you are going through, but we can still sympathize with the fact that you are going through depression.
I also hope that you can find an attorney that would be willing to help your cause. A pardon from the governor may be a long shot, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth pursuing. You deserve to have your voice heard. What happened to you was extremely unfair and the result of a long line of circumstances.