I'm 24 and in a transition in life. I'm going back to college and I work a horrible job (looking for new one). I do have friends but they have all pretty much moved away, got married or are engaged. I don't go out often (usually work nights) and sometimes I get lonely
Anyway from the ages18-22, I could be a major P**k at times. I was dating a girl who was also friends with my friends. We fought alot and I could say some really mean and s***ty things. She ended up leaving me for naother guy and I said some bad things. My friends would tell me I oculd be a jerk but I didn;t care.
Well now I do
I regret that I could be such a jerk. Part of me just wants to reach out and apologize but then I think that would be weird. So I really don't know what to do
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I Feel Down And Feel Like A Jerk
Started by
ted87
, Jul 05 2012 10:11 AM
3 replies to this topic
#1
ted87
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#2
Epictetus
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Posted 05 July 2012 - 10:31 AM
Hi there Ted,
How's it going?
I think I could offer you some helpful words today. At least I hope they will be helpful.
Responsibility forf things is not an all-or-nothing situation even when we think we have hurt people. You might ask yourself a couple of questions:
1] Did I hurt this person intentionally. What I mean is, did you sit down and make a plan like" Today I will hurt this person by saying something or doing something to them."
2] Or did you hurt this person through a momentary careless action or word?
3] People rarely do something 100% from the will to hurt someone. People are influenced by powerful emotions and some of these are even unconscious. Fear is a huge influence on behavior. Being tired. Feeling low is an influence. Habits picked up in childhood are huge influences. Loneliness drives people to do a lot of things they wouldn't normally do. And those are just the "conscious" influences. Sometimes something that seems 100% ill will is not really 100%. Could be 50%, 10%, even zero sometimes.
4] In any interaction with people, the other person has some responsibility too. Rarely do we interact with people where we are 100% responsible for the outcome. Very often it is a 50/50 situation.
I think it is great that you are thinking of apologizing. You will have to determine if you do or not. Please don't beat yourself no matter what your final decision. I think you should also apologize to yourself because you may have beat yourself up for a "guilt" that you were not completely responsible for. No one is perfect. That is such a cliche, such a sugar coated saying. But it is literally true. We make mistakes. We learn from them. And we move on.
In our relationships with others we give the "good" and the "bad" so to speak. But the people we relate to also give the "good" and the "bad." We give the good and bad and take it too.
If you are not comfortable apologizing, you can send them good thoughts. Wish them well, mentally. If you are a relgious person you can pray for them.
Here's hoping I have said something useful and practical to you and not wasted your time!!! Best!!!
How's it going?
I think I could offer you some helpful words today. At least I hope they will be helpful.
Responsibility forf things is not an all-or-nothing situation even when we think we have hurt people. You might ask yourself a couple of questions:
1] Did I hurt this person intentionally. What I mean is, did you sit down and make a plan like" Today I will hurt this person by saying something or doing something to them."
2] Or did you hurt this person through a momentary careless action or word?
3] People rarely do something 100% from the will to hurt someone. People are influenced by powerful emotions and some of these are even unconscious. Fear is a huge influence on behavior. Being tired. Feeling low is an influence. Habits picked up in childhood are huge influences. Loneliness drives people to do a lot of things they wouldn't normally do. And those are just the "conscious" influences. Sometimes something that seems 100% ill will is not really 100%. Could be 50%, 10%, even zero sometimes.
4] In any interaction with people, the other person has some responsibility too. Rarely do we interact with people where we are 100% responsible for the outcome. Very often it is a 50/50 situation.
I think it is great that you are thinking of apologizing. You will have to determine if you do or not. Please don't beat yourself no matter what your final decision. I think you should also apologize to yourself because you may have beat yourself up for a "guilt" that you were not completely responsible for. No one is perfect. That is such a cliche, such a sugar coated saying. But it is literally true. We make mistakes. We learn from them. And we move on.
In our relationships with others we give the "good" and the "bad" so to speak. But the people we relate to also give the "good" and the "bad." We give the good and bad and take it too.
If you are not comfortable apologizing, you can send them good thoughts. Wish them well, mentally. If you are a relgious person you can pray for them.
Here's hoping I have said something useful and practical to you and not wasted your time!!! Best!!!
- Frog154 likes this
Mental Illness is a serious health condition not to be trifled with. It requires treament by highly trained, experienced, qualified and Board-certified physicians, physician- specialists, and mental health professionals. There is no substitute for this professional care. I am not a mental health professional, only a fellow sufferer.
"A man is really ethical when he obeys the constraint laid on him to help all life which he is able to help, and when he goes out of his way to avoid injuring anything living. He does not ask how far this or that life deserves compassion as valuable in itself, how far it is capable of feeling. To him, life itself is sacred. He shatters no ice crystal that sparkles in the sun, tears no leaf from its tree, breaks off no flower, and is careful not to crush any insect as he walks. If he works by lamplight on a summer evening, he prefers to keep the window shut and breathe stifling air rather than see insect after insect fall on his table with singed and sinking wings. If he goes out into the street after a rain storm and sees a worm which has strayed there, he reflects that it will surely dry up in the sunlight, if it does not quickly regain the damp soil into which it can creep, and so he helps it back to the lush grass. Should he pass an insect which has fallen into a pool, he spares the time to reach it a leaf or a stalk on which it may clamor and save itself. Animals suffer as much as we do. We must fight against the spirit of unconscious cruelty with which we treat the animals. " Dr. Albert Schweitzer.
"Compassion, in which all ethics must take root, can only attain its full breadth and depth if it embraces all living creatures and does not limit itself to mankind." Dr. Albert Scheweiter.
"A man is really ethical when he obeys the constraint laid on him to help all life which he is able to help, and when he goes out of his way to avoid injuring anything living. He does not ask how far this or that life deserves compassion as valuable in itself, how far it is capable of feeling. To him, life itself is sacred. He shatters no ice crystal that sparkles in the sun, tears no leaf from its tree, breaks off no flower, and is careful not to crush any insect as he walks. If he works by lamplight on a summer evening, he prefers to keep the window shut and breathe stifling air rather than see insect after insect fall on his table with singed and sinking wings. If he goes out into the street after a rain storm and sees a worm which has strayed there, he reflects that it will surely dry up in the sunlight, if it does not quickly regain the damp soil into which it can creep, and so he helps it back to the lush grass. Should he pass an insect which has fallen into a pool, he spares the time to reach it a leaf or a stalk on which it may clamor and save itself. Animals suffer as much as we do. We must fight against the spirit of unconscious cruelty with which we treat the animals. " Dr. Albert Schweitzer.
"Compassion, in which all ethics must take root, can only attain its full breadth and depth if it embraces all living creatures and does not limit itself to mankind." Dr. Albert Scheweiter.
#3
MaddieLouise
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- Admin Team-Moderator
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Moderator
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Posted 05 July 2012 - 10:31 AM
Hi Ted87,
This may sound totally corny, but part of many substance abuse programs is to reach out and apologize to any past pain you caused other people, so if it works in those groups, why can't it work in just a situation where you are reticent about what you did in the past?
If it's weird to them, so what? It's more important to consider how it will make you feel, and I think you'd feel much better.
Sincerely,
MaddieLouise
This may sound totally corny, but part of many substance abuse programs is to reach out and apologize to any past pain you caused other people, so if it works in those groups, why can't it work in just a situation where you are reticent about what you did in the past?
If it's weird to them, so what? It's more important to consider how it will make you feel, and I think you'd feel much better.
Sincerely,
MaddieLouise
#4
Frog154
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- Junior Member
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Posted 06 July 2012 - 11:10 AM
I usually kind of think about what I did and apologise to people in my head but rarely ever in person, this means if I ever see them again I can make amends whatever way is necessary (and usually doesn't require an apology). I actually kinda believe apologies aren't necessary (unless you did something really heinous), it's kinda like you're asking for someone's forgiveness which isn't requisite to feeling better, I think the whole thing is implied in that you have goodwill to a person you were once mean to or whatever, I just make sure I won't do the same thing again and, as said above, live and learn
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