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[Twenty_one]

I need help! I have had a terrible four years which have broken me completely, and now everything looks utterly bleak and hopeless.

1.I have always been an extreme hard-worker, ever since I was 13. I would study for as much as 9 hours a day, but my results were way below others. This continued even after I joined my engineering course 4 years ago, and broke me every one of those 8 semesters.
2.I was always an enthusisastic person and tried to participate in a variety of club activities and competitions (academic and non) and initiate new groups. Believe it or not, every single one of them was a MAMMOTH failure. The 20-odd endeavours I made in the past four years of my engg. course have all, in someway or the other made me regret immensely that I took them up.
3. The failures ruined my reputation. Faculty and students alike looked down on me, rumors spread and no one in my class wanted talk to me, some because I rebelled a long time ago when they called for a class bunk. To this day there are people in my class I have never spoken to.
4. My parents. They were utterly and overly conservative and over-protective, who would impose curfews like 7pm and for the few times that I ended up coming late, call a dozen times each. it would be very embarassing as sometimes when I was in a group since they would end up calling every 10 minutes. Thanks to them, I COMPLETELY stopped going out, even to our college farewell, isolated myself from all my friends and just stuck in a corner of my room.
5. I wanted to write the GRE. From the beginning they were immensely unsupportive, though they denied when I talked to them about it. Finally they told me to pursue my MS only after I got married. I lost it here since I had had enough of their control over me( to the point where I was 19 and they wouldn't let me get on my best friend's bike for a ride home)and asked them to reconsider. It took them 8 months to tell me to go after 1 year of work-ex. To this day, I'm not sure if I can atleast write TOEFL, though I scored a 1550 on the test.

6.I have had a weight problem always. Thanks to this, I developed an eating disorder, eating just one meal a day. With my parents being so unsupportive I developed an eating disorder at the other pendlulum extreme-- I started bingeing and put on 20lbs. This became a new thing for the kids to mock me about, and to start rumors around.
7. My father has turned into a massive control freak, and he shouts at us for the littlest things. This has caused my mother and I to become anxious for everything, but he never seems to understand what damage his anger is doing.
8. In addition, I have had an utterly low self-esteem for the past 11 years. This has stemmed out of comments my grandmother used to make when I was a kid, saying that I was mentally very slow, weak, et al. Also because I am ugly, fat, and have just about all the bodily defects possible.
9. Thanks to all the resentment about missing on all the good things in life (becuase of studies, my parents) and never getting good grades, I suffered a HUGE burnout. I even lost sleep and I've been an insomniac for the past 2.5 years.

I finally tried to get my life in control by starting to lose weight and getting an internship after being depressed for long, and now I find that I've failed a subject last semester. This is the last straw. Just one other person in my class has failed. All my friends have gotten their VISA's and going to premium uni's. Will things in my life ever go right?????

[Epictetus]

Hi Twenty one,

Welcome to this Forum. I read your post. You expressed yourself very well and beautifully. I'm sorry you are feeling bad.

I am not a health care professional, but it sounds like you might be in a depression, something that is more than just a low mood. Having a low mood for a long time can affect the brain. And the best course of action in such a case, I think, is to seek the help of a health care professional. Have you tried that? Even a family doctor can be helpful here. Are their any clinics where you live? There are amazing medicines available that can help the brain heal after long periods of low mood. Medicine really turned around my life when so many bad things were happening and I was feeling very low for a very long time.

You have done a great thing by expressing yourself on the Forum here. There are many kind, compassionate and understanding people here, who, though non-professionals, can offer you words of help and comfort. There are people here from all over, so sometimes because of time zones, you may have to check back periodically to see what others have written back to you.

I think it might help you to realize that you are always more than what you do or did in the past; always more that what is happening to you; always more than how people treat you, always more than any successes or failures, any gains or losses in your life. Please consider that. You have an inner goodness that comes from just being you and existing, Twenty one. It is not something you have to earn. It is not something anyone can take away from you. Your value as a unique ireeplaceable human being is intrinsic. It does not go up and down in value like the prices of things in a grocery story. You are priceless. There will never be another YOU. I think it might help you to realize the goodness and beauty and truth of your very being.

Today I was watching some baby birds from my window. They just exist and it is good that they exist. What do they "do." Eat, sleep, fly around. Their goodness is not some accomplishment they perform. I am not making fun of accomplishments. I'm just saying you are more valuable than anything you do even if others don't see it or appreciate it. I hope you see it Twenty one. Medicine and talking to professionals can help lift the burden of your sadness from your shoulders so that you can see your great value again. They can help give you back the joy of life, the joy of mere existing.

Although I don't know you very well; reading your post tells me that you are a good person. I bet you have done trillions of good and wonderful and beatiful things in your life; for others, yourself, even strangers you have met in life. Can you see that? But depression can weigh you down so much that it is hard to remember these things.

I encourage you to love yourself for who are regardless of anything that has happened to you. You have taken a huge step with opening up about your life on this Forum. Congratulations!!! Try to love yourself a little more by seeking the help of a doctor, or at least the advice of one.

Like I said, I am not a professional. I hope you will get something from my words. But if they are not helpful, feel free to reject them. Other people here will probably have much better words for you. I am really hoping for you. Best to you today Twenty one.

[Twenty_one]

Dear Ep1ctetus,

Trust me, your post touched my heart. It made me feel so good and warm inside, and I'm not kidding. In fact I've just become so skeptical and unfeeling that no amount of reading motivational stories makes me think good can happen to me.
There is just one positive thing, and that I'm not giving up trying. Though inward I'm broken, I'm trying to keep myself alive with my internship, with working out at the gym. But your post was so so warm and beautiful, thank you so much, God bless you.

I'll surely take your advice and seek help of a medical professional, but you've equally helped. Thanks again!

[meistersinger]

Dear Ep1ctetus,

Trust me, your post touched my heart. It made me feel so good and warm inside, and I'm not kidding. In fact I've just become so skeptical and unfeeling that no amount of reading motivational stories makes me think good can happen to me.
There is just one positive thing, and that I'm not giving up trying. Though inward I'm broken, I'm trying to keep myself alive with my internship, with working out at the gym. But your post was so so warm and beautiful, thank you so much, God bless you.

I'll surely take your advice and seek help of a medical professional, but you've equally helped. Thanks again!

You also want to seek out the services of a good therapist. I am not a professional either, but the right type of therapy (CBT, DBT, etc.) will go a long way. For that matter, any one who will actively listen to you will help greatly.