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[bill2009]

is that a IHML disorder? I really honestly hate life. I hate being alive. I wish I were never born. nothing is ever ever ever in this life going to change and I will never be happy. why am I even here? what is the point? and I would be willing bet real American currency that not one person really gives a d*** one way or another. people always say they do, but nobody does. life is a piece of crap. it is NOT worth living.

[Trace]

Hi Bill

Beleive it or not we do care here. DF would not have been here for 11 years if we did now care. So there are people in this world that do care. I am posting the hotlines for you, please call one.

Trace

We are *not* a Suicide Intervention Group. If you are experiencing extreme suicide ideation, you need more assistance than we are qualified to give. Please contact your doctor, your hospital or a local Hotline for immediate assistance. We will be here for you once you are stabilized. Even though we have all, at one time or the other, experienced subtle suicide ideation, constant or continuous threats of suicide hold the potential to adversely effect members.


We care about you so very much...We know you are in pain.
That is why you must call a hotline now.
You need help. You want the torment to end with your recovery, if not important to you, it is important to your loved ones and to us.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please call a hotline.

Depression Forums MUST refer you on.
This forum is NOT able to provide immediate crisis intervention or professional counseling.

You need to speak to a PROFESSIONAL who has the training and resources
to offer IMMEDIATE EMERGENCY care.

Please, don't wait. Don't put it off. You need to pick up the phone and take action now.

AFSP - American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Suicide.com

suicidology.org

metanoia.org/suicide


The deaf hotline - 800-799-4889.

National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK -- All calls to the 1-800-273-TALK Lifeline are private and confidential.

Confidentiality of personal information and of personal disclosures during calls is a high priority for the parties involved in operating the Lifeline.

WWW.HOPELINE.COM

WWW.YOUTHLINE.US

1-877-YOUTHLINE

1-877-SUICIDA

1-800-PPD-MOMS

1-877-VET2VET

1-800-442-HOPE

1-800-COPLINE

1-800 55 1800Kids (Help Line [for children under 18)

[LaurynJcat]

((((Bill)))).

The only people who truly understand are the ones who've been there. DF will always be here for you. You might also try a live depression-support group in your area. But if you are suicidal please call one of the lines Trace posted or go to hospital.

[bill2009]

I'm not suicidal. I just wish I was never born. I hate my parents for bringing me into this wretched pile of manure. and I despise the human race. so far, only women have responded to my whiny posts and topics. maybe I should could stop saying I'll never speak to another female human again as long as I live :)
that's a little ridiculous even for someone as bitter as I am. no, I'm not suicidal. just really really f***ing p***ed off. I have been in love before. and I have been the creep who hurt someone elses feelings in my life too. being a dinosaur, I have had the chance to experience much of life. and it is all a miserable crummy game that is not worth playing. I was hoping someone would reply when I started blithering on the thread about "what happens to a person if they stay isolated too long?" too long? how about not long enough? who in this idiotic world is REALLY isolated? it's impossible. the place is crawling with a breeding nest of mutant morons and idiots knocking on your door and calling you on the phone and driving up and down the d**n street. to be truly isolated would be wonderful.

[bill2009]

I'm still here! see? and life still sucks. it always has and it always will. so there's no need for me or anyone to become so hysterical about it. it's painful and it's hell. get used to it, I guess. oh goody :)
another wonderful day in this wonderful world . yay. rejoice. let the celebrations commence.

[Girly]

Hi bill2009, I'm so sorry to read how much you are hurting right now. Life can be so tough sometimes and I can understand why you feel frustrated wanting to have time to yourself.

I can only tell you what helps me to stay calmer and that is relaxing music when I am in bed or in the bath with the phone switched off. I know that this may seem trite but it really has an effect on me.

Girly

[bill2009]

Girly, all of you at the DF are very nice. I guess that makes me feel a little better already. thanks very much. this is a very scary forum. it feels like one can't express oneself without people assuming there are red flags of ideation of this and that going on. no no no....I just feel like hell. I do not want to end my life. I do not want to call a crisis line. I thought I would find like minded people who are truly miserable. ya know, depressed? depression forum? I think I should not post any more. people are taking me way wrong. it's scaring me a lot more than it is helping. thank you for the kind words. I need to go. this is very unsettling. I don't need all that on top of how I already feel. goodbye and take care. by goodbye, I mean I am leaving HERE, not the planet. and by take care I mean.....take care :)

Edited by bill2009, 19 June 2012 - 11:29 PM.

[bill2009]

Trace, you scared me with that stuff about hotlines. I've had almost 56 years to make a decision like that and carry it out. I am quite used to living in utter misery and hopelessness. I have no desire to use a permenant solution for a problem that could only continue for another 20 to 25 years at best :)

likely, not even that long. my Dad lived till 82, and drank heavily every day of his life. my Mom passed at 87, and that really sucked. it was just in February. so, if I am really unlucky, I guess 85 is possible. how much worse can it get? I've put up with this crap for 55 years plus. what's another 30? as I say, at best.

nope nope, no need for a crisis line. I just want to rant and whine and say how much I hate life, and bemoan the fact that I haven't been laid for 15 years and probably never will be again. I am really really unhappy. who isn't? I think a lot of people lie to themselves through their entire lives, and that works? more power to em. in my crummy miserable hateful sexless bitter life, there ARE bright intervals. not many, but enough to keep ploughing thru the manure pile one step at a time. please don't scare me like that again. please? I am not suicidal. I am just miserable as hell. that's all. I have a feeling I am not alone in this wonderment and warm and fuzzy world. ya reckon?

[Trace]

Hi bill

It was not my intention to scare you, it is just policy to post hotlines when someone appears suicidal, as we are not professionals. I am glad that you are not contemplating it and that you don't need the hotlines. Post as much as you like, you are really not alone here and I can understand why you feel the way that you do. To be honest people here really care and it is the one place where people that feel the way you do can get together and just be heard.

Trace

[bill2009]

thanks Trace. I'll keep it at a dull roar though. I've already spewed my guts. what else is there to say? how bout where can I meet some clinically depressed ladies whose lives are as hopeless and desolate as mine is? we could at least have SOME fun, ONCE in awhile. we could talk about psych meds instead of our favorite sitcoms :)
oh God....well anyway, thanks for caring. but don't worry about me in THAT way. maybe worry about me that I may end up in a catatonic state like Sid Barret was, poor sod. you know who he is?

[bill2009]

or was, I should say. he died of natural causes. crummy, miserable natural causes. what kind of a way is that for a world to be?

Edited by bill2009, 20 June 2012 - 02:00 AM.

[Trace]

Hi Bill

I have unfortunately not heard of Sid Barret. You should try the chat sometime. You have enough posts, there can be some really great conversations in there. It is often empty, but if you look in the Water Cooler there is a thread in there where members organize chat sessions at certain times. Believe it or not there are dating sites just for people suffering from depression. I found one for a member once. I was rather surprised that something like that existed.

Trace

[bill2009]

he was the guy who started the band called The Pink Floyd. he wrote all the songs and sang lead on all songs on the first album. after that, the band fired him for using um.........well, substances to deal with his bipolar and mental issues. it didn't work so well. he basically ended up as a turnip. but the first album is brilliant. unlike anything the band has done since. and they dropped "THE" from the name. so, now you know the REST of the story, for any Paul Harvey fans out there in television land.

[Trace]

Hi Bill

Oh yes Pink Floyd, now I know who he is. I have a lot of Pink Floyd on my ipod. Shocking what happened to him, the lyrics are awesome and that would explain where the song comfortably numb came from.

Trace

[Girly]

Hi Bill

I'm glad that you have decided to stick around on DF. As Trace wrote we do care about you. I personally have suffered with depression for many years, I have Borderline Personality Disorder which at the moment is controlled by meds and therapy I had in the past.

Girly

[bill2009]

HI Girly :)
I think depression is for people who are awake, and non depression is for people who are sleep walking. WE are the normal ones, not the happy happy me me, who cares about anything or anyone else pod persons. it's no fun, but still, we see the world as it is. a cesspool. not a playground. playgrounds are for kids that are too innocent ( good for them) who do not yet know what a wasteland is ahead of them.

[Girly]

Hi bill2009, I think I have a pretty positive outlook on life now. I've been through a lot with my mental health including two hospitalisation and various therapies. I can understand why you feel the way you do but there is hope. There is always hope, with the right treatment recovery is possible.

Girly

[bill2009]

hey Girly! wha it be? I'm going to stalk you on some other threads, ok? I think I'll let this one fizzle. just the title is a little too nagative to embrace on a daily basis. some days, I don't hate it. so the title is a sweeping, somewhat histrionic concept. see you wherever else you lurk :)

it was very nice of you to post here in my hours. I'm having some bright intervals a present. take heed though. Libra males blow hot and cold at the drop of a hat. so, dark intervals could be on the horizon. I'll keep it to a dull roar. my shrink said to no not burden other people with my sufering. he meant, "tell ME, *****. NOT the girl you're trying to hit on. how DUMB are ya?" I have paraphrased, of course. but he is right. HERE is also a place to share burdens. so I shall. for now, I look for you on some other poor sods thread :)

[Girly]

I am am glad that you are having bright intervals bill2009, I will watch out for you following me!!!

Girly

[bill2009]

I am am glad that you are having bright intervals bill2009, I will watch out for you following me!!!

Girly

hey! what's up?

[darkrose723]

Hi bill2009

Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. I don't want to die, but with the exception of my family, I don't want to be around any one else. I get tired of the every day crap that goes on...as you said...phone calls, the people who stare at you at red lights, and for me...the people in my class who are so fake it's nauseating. I just wish people would stop bombarding me. Right now, a little bit of isolation would be nice. Hope you're feeling better.

[Just Adam]

Hey Bill. I know how you feel, to a certain extent at least. I'm almost 29, and almost all of those 29 years have been misery. And it seems it just gets worse as time goes on. But I've made some progress lately. I got lucky and found some very positive people to hang out with. Plus I have been reaching out for every bit of mental health help I can possibly find. This has helped me to change my views on the world a little bit. I've found that there are amazing and kind, positive people out there. And they've rubbed off on me a bit. I actually WAS suicidal many times (I understand that you are not, don't worry) and had to go to psych wards. Now I am thankfull for life. I'm still struggling, but I've changed my negative views somewhat. I know that is easier said than done. And the way you feel, it may not even be something you want to hear. I'm just trying to say that there can be hope. Hang in there.

Edited by Just Adam, 13 July 2012 - 12:19 AM.

[bill2009]

Hey Bill. I know how you feel, to a certain extent at least. I'm almost 29, and almost all of those 29 years have been misery. And it seems it just gets worse as time goes on. But I've made some progress lately. I got lucky and found some very positive people to hang out with. Plus I have been reaching out for every bit of mental health help I can possibly find. This has helped me to change my views on the world a little bit. I've found that there are amazing and kind, positive people out there. And they've rubbed off on me a bit. I actually WAS suicidal many times (I understand that you are not, don't worry) and had to go to psych wards. Now I am thankfull for life. I'm still struggling, but I've changed my negative views somewhat. I know that is easier said than done. And the way you feel, it may not even be something you want to hear. I'm just trying to say that there can be hope. Hang in there.

thanks Adam. I know, there is always something to live for. and we may not always get what we want, and we may well not get no satisfaction either :)
but there is always something to care for, to be here for. my critters mostly in my case. I don't think I'm ready for humans yet. I may well never be ready for humans again. oh well, what a shame. critters are better anyway. thanks for your kind words!

[bill2009]

Hi bill2009

Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. I don't want to die, but with the exception of my family, I don't want to be around any one else. I get tired of the every day crap that goes on...as you said...phone calls, the people who stare at you at red lights, and for me...the people in my class who are so fake it's nauseating. I just wish people would stop bombarding me. Right now, a little bit of isolation would be nice. Hope you're feeling better.

hey Dark :)

I've been away from thre forum awhile making a fool of myself pretending to be wooing a female human. it aint gonna work, so I'm gonna give up again. what an *****. one day.........ONE day, I will learn. not yet, apparently. but the day is approaching rapidly. as for being or not being around other people, to hell with em. there's too d*** many of them anyway. someone should invent condoms or something. know what I mean?

[bill2009]

Hi bill2009

Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. I don't want to die, but with the exception of my family, I don't want to be around any one else. I get tired of the every day crap that goes on...as you said...phone calls, the people who stare at you at red lights, and for me...the people in my class who are so fake it's nauseating. I just wish people would stop bombarding me. Right now, a little bit of isolation would be nice. Hope you're feeling better.

hey Dark :)

I've been away from thre forum awhile making a fool of myself pretending to be wooing a female human. it aint gonna work, so I'm gonna give up again. what an *****. one day.........ONE day, I will learn. not yet, apparently. but the day is approaching rapidly. as for being or not being around other people, to hell with em. there's too d*** many of them anyway. someone should invent condoms or something. know what I mean?

speaking for and OF myself, what a zipperhead. a zillion times bitten and not a clue how to be shy. the saying really is "once bitten twice shy". I really don't even know what it means. who cares? hope YOU are feeliong better!

Edited by Girly, 13 July 2012 - 03:27 PM.
TOS

[darkrose723]

Hi bill2009

Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. I don't want to die, but with the exception of my family, I don't want to be around any one else. I get tired of the every day crap that goes on...as you said...phone calls, the people who stare at you at red lights, and for me...the people in my class who are so fake it's nauseating. I just wish people would stop bombarding me. Right now, a little bit of isolation would be nice. Hope you're feeling better.

hey Dark :)

I've been away from thre forum awhile making a fool of myself pretending to be wooing a female human. it aint gonna work, so I'm gonna give up again. what an *****. one day.........ONE day, I will learn. not yet, apparently. but the day is approaching rapidly. as for being or not being around other people, to hell with em. there's too d*** many of them anyway. someone should invent condoms or something. know what I mean?

speaking for and OF myself, what a zipperhead. a zillion times bitten and not a clue how to be shy. the saying really is "once bitten twice shy". I really don't even know what it means. who cares? hope YOU are feeliong better!

You may feel like finding a woman is hopeless, but you really might be surprised when someone all of a sudden walks into your life. I know that's how it was with my boyfriend. I also know that when you're lonely and single it seems like you'll NEVER find someone, but that's usually an extreme generalization. At least you have your animals. I have a bf and kids to live for, so I'm well surrounded by humans, but I find that animals are sometimes the better company to have. They don't complain or demand and they're always loyal. I genuinely care about other people and wish the best for those who I don't even know, but when it comes down to it, I have a hard time making friends or socializing with others without being awkward. I've been a bit antisocial lately, which is one of the reasons I'm here. I feel pretty empty inside and I'm hoping I can maybe shake it if I get to know some other people. So from one zipperhead to another, nice to meet you.

Edited by Girly, 13 July 2012 - 03:28 PM.
TOS

[Girly]

Hi bill2009

I'm sorry to read that things didn't work out well for you with the wooing, maybe you just need to give yourself a little more time and focus on treating yourself

Girly

[Space_biker]

Hey bill,

I agree that sometimes it sucks that you can't say "I hate my life. I don't desire to do Anthing."
People get very scared. However, it is best they get scared, I know people who have died because no one reacted to simple little statements that people thought were just someone venting...

I have felt many times in life where I just hated my life so bad, and did want to go away. Sometimes I even did. In the darkest days of my depression last year, I traveled across the US almost a dozen times in less than a month or two.

But I went through these phases through out my life, so no matter how bad it gets, I try to remind myself that I will get better again. Maybe not cured, but I find a place where I can remember why I choose to fight my depression and issues every day. You're here blogging, so obviously some part of you wishes to get better and find a reason to want to be around. Try to really dwell on that thought. Ask yourself time and time again until you have like ten reasons why you
Want to get better and why life IS worth it right now. 10 reasons isn't a lot when you think about how many things go on in our life. So don't feel overwhelmed.
Just find ten reasons, focus on those , and grow the list. It won't cure anything, but it'll set you on the path to get put from under the dark cloud it sounds you're under.


Please be ok!!! I ache for you. I am doing bad myself now, but I am
By no means in the dark shadows, so I still really feel for you.

You're already doing great by reaching out and blogging here. That's proactive And awesome . Even the slightest bit of ease to your pain is a success. So I hope you get better every day