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[lovelyowl]

I've been depressed for the past two weeks. I have also had a dash of mixed symptoms intermittently with the depression. I am struggling to hold on until I have an appointment with a p-doc in one month, but I've been suffering a lot for several months with ups and downs.

I have been very irritable lately, even hostile. Yesterday I rode my bike to the market to buy something. I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house and exercise. But a car cut me off making a right turn and almost hit me. I chased it on my bike and screamed like a madwoman, like a monster. Someone on the street said "It's good you're wearing a helmet" and I yelled at him too. I was full on swearing and screaming in the street. I'd become that person, the crazy person everyone is afraid of. I rode to the market, got my things, and went home. I was upset with my outburst. When not in an episode I am a calm person. I talked to my partner and said I needed his support. We discussed going out together early tomorrow in the sun and made plans.

I feel asleep and he went to a party. At 3am I woke up. He wasn't home, so I called him. No answer. I then sent two texts, one asking where he was and the other saying that if I were him, I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. I then wrote "I want to disappear." No answer. I got up at 9am and he was still not home. I freaked out and was raging. I called him and yelled a lot and hung up. He was drunk and denied we had any plans today. This happened several times, him calling, me screaming and hanging up. I told him I could be dead and he wouldn't care and hung up. Then he called and I said something referring to a suicide attempt 20 years ago. Then I put the phone on silent and ignored him and called a supportive friend. I didn't want to talk to him since he was intoxicated and not being accountable.

Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the paramedics. My bf called them and said I was bipolar and threatening suicide. The paramedics believed my drunk boyfriend was just setting me up, but the police said they had no way of knowing if I was suicidal because I had no history with them and suicidal people often deny it.

So I willingly went to the hospital, in the back of a police car, but upon arrival it became clear that I was actually not free. I was searched and placed under guard. My keys and anything I could hurt myself with were taken away from me. I spoke with a few doctors and a social worker. I shared my difficulties but told them that, while I was irrationally raging at my boyfriend, I was not suicidal and did not intend for him to think that. They believed me and let me go.

My boyfriend was actually quite frightened I was going to hurt myself and spent the day crying. I appreciate that he was concerned but am unhappy that he choose to drink excessively to deal with the stress of my illness and some other things we have going on. The social worker told me I am very successful (this is true) and I need to be with someone who is stable. I agree. If he keeps drinking and doesn't get help, I will leave him, even though I love him.

So instead of spending a day in the sun, I spent it with doctors and police, then spent the rest of the day moping around home in a deep depression. Back to work tomorrow. The doctors at the hospital are going to try to get me an earlier appointment with the p-doc. In the meantime, I'm just hanging on. I'll see my t-doc on Friday and hopefully make it through the week. I have lots of vacation time and I may try to use it to take a day or two off each week for a little while.

[anger danger]

Hang in there, I know it's tough. Sounds much like how I've been most of my life... calm like a bomb is how I'd describe myself. Just remember that YOU have a choice in how you react. Most of the time I'd know exactly how I was going to act before the situation even happened, then I would instigate it. There were definitely times where I reacted before I even knew what I had just done and those scared me the most. The hardest thing in the world is to admit the problem is yourself, swallow your pride and avoid the confrontation. Like I said, remember YOU have a choice. Do what you can to avoid the major stressors in your life for now and be around people that are supportive! I'm not saying leave your bf... but I get the feeling that situation isnt all that healthy for you right now either.

Have you been diagnosed bipolar or thinking you are? I'm 35 and was diagnosed bipolar 2 recently and started on Lamictal (mood stabilizer). I'm over a month into that and it sure seems to help, but I still have my moments. Although they seem to pale in comparision to how I was acting just a couple months ago. I also have given up drinking alcohol and caffeine so that I don't keep fanning the flames of the fire. I've seen my Therapist the most and dug through my life. That has really helped me understand where some of my deep issues really stem from. The medication takes time and I don't know if I'm at the right spot with that since I'm fairly new to it all. I do know, that since I reached out for help a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Just do the best you can and remember YOU have a choice :)

Edited by anger danger, 18 June 2012 - 12:42 AM.

[lovelyowl]

Thanks so much for your reply, it really helps. I agree, it's in my hands. I'm taking my DBT workbook and my materials from CBT to work on at lunch today so I have better tools.

I am 34 and was diagnosed BP2 in February by my psychologist. My GP had previously diagnosed me with MDD, but did not investigate bipolarity. She put me on Cymbalta, which was good for about 2 months. A few weeks after going on Cymbalta, when things were still good, I was seen by a p-doc who diagnosed me with MDD/GAD, but I didn't tell him about my previous hypomanic symptoms because I didn't have the insight into my condition to know they were relevant to the assessment. Then he set me up with a t-doc who suggested I had bipolarity and should see a psychpharmacologist. I disagreed, but I did a lot of reading in the meantime and realized I had some symptoms that might be seen as manic. That t-doc wasn't a good fit, so I was referred to another one. The new t-doc, with all the info, diagnosed BP2 and also suggested seeing a psychpharmacologist. Now I'm waiting to see the psychopharmacologist for confirmation of dx and medication change.

I saw my GP in February and she offered to increase the anti-depressant or start an AAP. I didn't want to do that, because I think the anti-depressant may be related to the increased in mood fluctuations I've been having and she didn't seem to know much about AAPs and their side effects. She's great as a GP, but I am not comfortable with her level of knowledge of more complex mood disorders. She was surprised that the t-doc was investigating BP2 because, to quote her exactly "I don't seem bipolar." This without her without ever having asked me a question to investigate this. So I'm sitting tight for the appointment with the psychopharmacologist.

My partner and I had a big talk last night and it went well. We'll see what happens. Today's a new day.

[lovelyowl]

My old p-doc invited me to have an appointment (I went to his hospital). I told him about the manic symptoms I've had in the past, having just recently figured out that they might have been (hypo)manic. He confirmed I have bipolar, maybe BP1 because one episode was fully, although only moderately, manic. I've started on lithium and reduced my anti-depressant and am feeling much better already. :)

I'm so appreciative of my awesome health care practitioners!

I also appreciate how compassionate and respectful the police were. The whole experience was as positive as such a stressful thing can be.

Edited by lovelyowl, 24 June 2012 - 04:34 PM.