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[Girly]

I've been thinking about writing this for a few weeks now. I'm just after people's thoughts on the subject.

I have chosen not to date for coming up two years now. Will be two years next month since a breakup which was amicable for a few months until he did the no contact woah BPD ex survival strategy that the lovely Internet promotes. That was when he took me out for my birthday Dec 10.

So I've done therapy, I'm coping well on my own. Still on meds but I need them so that's fine by me. I'm doing well at work, I still struggle with my daughter but how many single parents don't struggle a bit?

I could try the Internet dating thing again and see if I enjoy dating again and jus getting out and meeting people or I could just continue as I am which is good right now.

I go out once a month or so with a male colleague, he is about 30 years my senior and it is a friendship and will never be more than that. I like going out and spending time talking and having a meal. I just don't know how to translate this type of evening to starting the dating search again.

One click on google BPD and relationships and you can see all the 'run away and never look back' 'not of you value yourself' comments. Very little positive has been written about the subject.

Just my rambling thoughts really.

[Trace]

Hi Girly

BPD or not, just keep on being yourself. If you go out looking for something it either won't come along or the wrong person will come along. If you just accept being alone and be comfortable with being alone and just interact with people in various forms and ways, you may eventually meet someone that is meant just for you, who will care about you despite you having BPD. Don't let this illness define who you are, don't let it define your relationships, that is what chases people away, not the actual illness's. You need to live your life, not let the illness rule your life.

Trace

[Girly]

Thanks for your reply Trace. I probably have focused my thoughts on dating on the illness rather than the fact that i am probably in recovery now.
I'll keep doing what I am doing and won't join any websites for dating as it is difficult to get a true impression of people on them.

Your answer was so sensible, as always. Thanks again.

Girly

[LibraryLady]

Hey Girly!

I galloped over here to read your post! :-)

I think Trace has it right, be yourself, do what you like and let things happen naturally. That is the advice I'd give anyone, bipolar or not. Now, having said that, you can help things along a bit. What I suggest is that you join some groups of like-minded people doing the things you enjoy. Like for instance, if you love to garden, join your local garden club. Perhaps you will meet someone who also likes to garden! Another good place to meet like-minded people is at the gym, and maybe at your church, if you are into that (I'm not).

Also, think about things you would like to try, but never have. I've always wanted to learn to canoe, so I want to find a group that goes canoeing together. I know you are in England (lucky you!), so what about people who like to go rambling across the countryside! I know there are a lot of walking paths in England (I lived there for 4 years) and there are lots of avid groups that like to walk! That would be healthy too, and maybe you could get your daughter to go with you? I don't know how old she is!

Anyway, you get the idea! Art classes, book reading clubs, walking groups, gardening, anything that you like, or that you would like to try. Oh, and how about flying kites? Here where I live there is an avid kite flying group (mosty men!) and they have a kite flying competition at the big park here every year.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture!

[Girly]

Great ideas there LibraryLady, thank you. I have borderline rather than bipolar but the same principles apply.

I'm off to Zumba tomorrow with a friend but I doubt there will be any guys there!

I love to canoe by the way. I grew up on a small island in the river and spent my life in the water. My daughter is an avid kayaker and canoeist now. I would recommend it to you definitely.

[Chasing Sanity]

I never thought i'd find someone who wanted me even with the BPD. It's coming up on 5 months, and it's the healthiest happiest relationship i've ever been in

[Girly]

That's great that you have found someone despite BPD Chasing Sanity, I hope that your relationship continues to be happy and healthy.

Girly

[bill2009]

so, HERE you are eh? how interesting to see that some womenfolk have "abstained" for years at a time. it is interesting, but can be pretty weird. depends on the person really. I have "abstained" for more than 10 years now. much of it involuntarily. but by ths time, what is the (expletive) difference. i was gonna say b l e e d i n' difference but the net granny wouldn't like that. you englishers have more interesting colorful metaphors than us Amurikans do. I hope you find someone who is not weirded out by BPD, which I assume is bipolar disorder? as an englishter, I can only assume you are familiar with the Album Quadraphenia, The Who. it is depressing to me now. at the time I first heard it, I thought it was the greatest thing I had ever heard. Pete is a true genius. it's still great, but I've had enough. it reminds me of being a teenager, which I WAS when I first heard it. the idea that the character in the rock opera said "Schizophrenic? hell, I'm b l e e d i n QUAdraphenic!" was so cool to me. BPD is not somethng you went out and looked for like "ah, I'lll have that one please. gift wrapped if you don't mind!" so easy easy eh? there is some datuing sites for depressed people. the first one I tried to join struck me as ironic indeed :)
"what is your headline?" "what are some of your passions?" WHAT? how bout we skip all that load of cobblers and get on with the dating eh? it's a little silly. but interesting in that it is FOR people who are BOTH dealing with issues, not a "normal" person ha ha, and a person with issues. as I say, it is interesting. I doubt I can say the name on here. and that is understandable.

[bill2009]

by the way, "Englishter" is not an insult or a degrading term. it is comedy I have borrowed form the great Howard Morris who played Ernest T Bass on the Andy Griffith show........oh, sometime before the industrial revolution I think. very funny old show, to this day, in re-runs. Ernest T was illiterate, and zany. he butchered all of his phrases and words, not just "English Citizen" the guy who played that part was a comic genius. so was Don Knotts aka Barney Fife :)

[Girly]

Haha bill2009, you make me smile. BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder and no I didn't pick that one off the shelf!
Thank you for the link you sent me, I did sign up there a long while ago but most of the people who messagesd me were stateside and I think that is a big pond too far for me!
Girly

[LibraryLady]

Hey Girly, sorry I said Bipolar instead of BPD. Goofy me! :-)

I would love to canoe here. My city has a large river through it and a bunch of lakes, so there are opportunites to canoe! Actually, my second sister has a canoe, but she lives about an hour and a half from me!

I'm a Scorpio, which is a water sign. I'm not sure I go in for all that astrology stuff, but I certainly do LOVE the water! I remember that back in college I lived in a duplex with one of my sisters for a while which was right on one of the lakes. I could come home from classes, change and walk directly out the back door and into the water. Ahhhhh...what a life! :-)

[Girly]

There is no need to worry about the BPD v. Bipolar thing. The principles are the same anyway.

Where you lived at college sounds great LibraryLady. You really must find someone with a canoe to take you out on the water. It is so much fun.

I have a little update on the dating front. I met a guy and we then went for a cuppa a few days later but he turned up late and wasn't there long. I don't think he'll contact me again because I said I wasn't looking for a relationship. I said that to be polite because I'm not interested. So I can meet people. It was a chance meeting, not online dating or anything like that.

Girly

[Girly]

Well the guy contacted me again and asked me for a coffee tomorrow. I said yes and I'd planned to tell him I wasn't interested and that I wasn't going to meet after that. I got some advice and I was suggested I don't meet and just send a text to say 'nice to meet you and changed my mind etc'. I sent a polite text and he replied 'bye' which I thought was reasonable but then he wrote 'weirdo'. I think I had a lucky escape.

[bill2009]

Haha bill2009, you make me smile. BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder and no I didn't pick that one off the shelf!
Thank you for the link you sent me, I did sign up there a long while ago but most of the people who messagesd me were stateside and I think that is a big pond too far for me!
Girly

yes, a very big pond indeed :)

[bill2009]

I filled out all that nonsense, and there were 3 ladies in my area. none of them
had a thing in their headline. pretty silly, but oh well ;)

[Girly]

No harm in contacting them, they may be shy.

[Space_biker]

I have bpd, and I have been with my bf almost 4 years. What's worse is that before we didn't know what was wrong. We tried so much to help me sort of stabilize myself, but often I got worse. Now we know what I have, we can both recognize when my bpd is taking over, and we deal with it. I believe I have had this for over a decade, so I know how to deal with myself pretty well, but sometimes I still have episodes where I'm very self defeating, or I'm trying to sabotage a situation for no reason, sometimes its sadness, I had a few months of compulsive lying, which I relate to my sabotage habit. Regardless, we can now spot when I am not being my normal self, and it really only takes maybe 5-10 minutes for us to just cope, then we go on about our lives.

It isn't so bad, and someone who wants to be with you, should be able to devote such little time to helping you. My bf literally just has to say, "I feel like you're not normal you right now. Tell me what you're thinking/feeling." once I'm honest about how I feel, no matter how crazy, he can sort of gage how to respond. So if I say, "I'm feeling really anxious and I dislike myself and I want to do anything to leave." he knows to just tell me to breath and that this is just a panic attack and I do want to have fun, and be out with my bf, etc

Everyones different. You'll find a happy coping method thats quick and easy. I believe you know what you need to get past an episode, so make a mate aware! Let them help you, and that will help the relationship.


Bpd isn't as bad for people on the outside as it is for us, but we have to let the people around us know how to react, what to not take personal, and how to help us get through episodes.

[Just Adam]

I recently decided I have BPD. I told my Pdoc and therapist both why I think that, and they both seem to kind of agree, although I haven't been diagnosed BPD yet. All of my relationships have been horrible. And my most recent girlfriend of 2 years could not have been any LESS supportive for my depression etc. It just drove me further and further towards feeling like I was losing my mind. I look back on it, and remember times when I was not myself at all. And I can recognize it now. It is really depressing to think about. I'm only in my late 20's. But I think I am done with romantic relationships. When I get into one it always causes nothing but pain for everyone involved.

[Girly]

Space Biker, your post gave me so much hope. It is great that you and your bf are able to cope in such a way. It sounds so encouraging to read that. He must be such a wonderful support for you.

Just Adam my last boyfriend was in my opinion very dominating of me and it was a complete disaster. He was always trying to tell me what to do, rather than being of any support, well that is how I look on it now. At the time I was infactuated, and after we broke up I completely sabotaged things.

I had ruled out dating again but now I think I have grown a lot as a person and could handle it again.

[Space_biker]

I think it's also good to say that my bf isn't perfect!!! We have had our trials over the years. One of the biggest reasons we stay together is because when it comes to serious stuff, once topic being my bpd, he helps me.
A lot of times when I read posts similar to mine, my mind says, "oh well, I'll never find a perfect guy like that." good news, my bf is not some night in shining armor. He's a regular guy, I love him like he is perfect for me, and my bpd had nothing to do with us getting together, we didn't know until years later!!!

So don't feel you have to find some god. Any decent man should want to help you be the best version of you!!! It doesn't have to do with a perfect relationship or night in shining armor. It's just respect and consideration for a loved one.

Hang in there

[Girly]

I am at an age now where a decent man would be a good place to start, I don't think there are that many knights in shining armour where I live! Thank you.

[darkrose723]

I have BPD and it has definitely caused a few problems a time or two in my relationship. Luckily for me, my boyfriend is very supportive. Recently I caused a sort of major "scene" where I became irrationally jealous and fearful that he would leave me and I hurt myself in front of him as a result. (first time in several years) He immediately came to my side and helped me. He told me that after seeing me behave in such a way, it actually made him love me even more. He said that if he could see me do such a thing and still stay with me without it changing his opinion of me that it proved that our love can withstand any thing. That being said, if you find the right guy, having BPD (or any other condition) won't matter. Remember, you don't have to immediately disclose to someone that you have BPD. You are a person, not a label. :-)

[Just Adam]

I'm pretty sure both of my past serious girlfriends had BPD. And having both people in the relationship with BPD made things incredibly turbulent.

[Girly]

I have BPD and it has definitely caused a few problems a time or two in my relationship. Luckily for me, my boyfriend is very supportive. Recently I caused a sort of major "scene" where I became irrationally jealous and fearful that he would leave me and I hurt myself in front of him as a result. (first time in several years) He immediately came to my side and helped me. He told me that after seeing me behave in such a way, it actually made him love me even more. He said that if he could see me do such a thing and still stay with me without it changing his opinion of me that it proved that our love can withstand any thing. That being said, if you find the right guy, having BPD (or any other condition) won't matter. Remember, you don't have to immediately disclose to someone that you have BPD. You are a person, not a label. :-)

Hi darkrose723, that is great that you have found such a caring boyfriend. In my last relationship I did disclose my BPD but not straight away, I am not sure how much of the breakup was the BPD and how much was his own personality. He did write a message to me to say that he had faults with his personality, but that was probably him trying to make me feel better about things. Who knows? I am not really actively looking just thinking about it.

I'm pretty sure both of my past serious girlfriends had BPD. And having both people in the relationship with BPD made things incredibly turbulent.

Hi Just Adam, yes I can imagine that would be very turbulent, although I have read that sometimes two people with BPD can understand what the other one is going through. I am not so sure I could though.

[Just Adam]

Girly, my last girlfriend and I had alot of the same issues. But we dealt with them in almost opposite ways sometimes. It made things very hard. So in some ways we were similar, but in even more ways we were complete opposites and we agreed on NOTHING. I mean we didn't agree on anything in life at all. It was bad. And it ended badly.

[Girly]

I tried and failed... A colleague and I became friends and we were getting on well and I thought that he wanted a relationship. He doesn't.

I wish I didn't have BPD the rejection hurts so much and what is worse is that I then told him I have issues with relationships. So now I have probably ruined the best friendship I have at work. Well the only real one. Argh. Rant over.

[Just Adam]

Girly, don't consider it a failure. Just something that wasn't meant to be. I wish I had some better advice, but I think I have some of the same issues that you do. So it is hard to give advice when I feel the same way.

[Seabeach]

I got out of a very bad relationship some 20 years ago. I think many of my difficulties started there. At first I did not date out of misguided guilt for things that had happened. Then I thought I wanted to date but go no response from anyone but some strange guys. Then with depression I have gained a lot of weight and let myself go quite a bit - not taking care of my hair or eyebrows, dressing in old clothes, not doing my nails. All those things depressed people give up doing.

I finally decided I wanted no relationship at all. Never again. At this point I think it would be impossible for me to ever trust and share my life with someone. I must say I am a happy person when not clincally depressed. I live in a cozy home that I've bought just for myself. I have my dogs and occassionally see my children. I hit the beach whenever I can. I love the fact that I can do what I want when I want and don't have to defer to anyone else's wants or needs. I am an introvert and I think living with someone would be pure torture for me. I get most of my socializing out at work where we go to lunch, etc.

My life is full and okay without a relationship but I respect people who feel thay would like one to be happy.

[Chasing Sanity]

There is hope! I'm coming up on my 9th month of my relationship and it's still the happiest healthiest relationship I've ever been in! I've learnt so much though. Mainly that communication is so so important. There are days where I just want to be left alone, and instead of just withdrawing I tell her 'black day' or 'space' and I get that respite. If something has upset me or is getting too much I tell her 'too much' or 'on the edge' and I get some space. If something has happened that I need to think about, it's 'processing'. Simple words, but so effective.

[Girly]

Thank you Just Adam, Seabeach and Chasing Sanity for your comments. I really appreciate all your feedback.

One thing that happened was that my older friend had told me that this guy was interested in me. So despite me knowing that he wanted to be friends I started to believe what this other friend told me. To the point that I'd already imagined a relationship and what that would mean so that's why it felt like a failure. Had I ignored what I was told by a 3rd party things would have just stayed the same. So now I've had to rebuild the friendship again. Seems to all be ok though.

Seabeach I can understand and agree with so much of what you wrote, I neglected my looks after my last breakup in 2010 and also gained a huge amount of weight on olanzapine. As of today I have lost 42lb in weight. I'm still on my weight loss journey but I'm doing it for myself. I don't need a relationship to be happy as I've proved to myself I can be a single Mum, hold down a job, moderate on here and have BPD while being single. I've enjoyed getting back into some of my clothes and buying a few new bits in charity shops here and there. So I have some nice outfits to tide me over. I feel more feminine now.

Chasing Sanity I am so pleased that things are all well in your relationship. You do sound as though you have some good techniques to help you get through things.

Thanks again guys.

Girly

[Hope4theBest]

Im not BPD, but depression, but re: online dating...I feel its good to really be cautious.

I have trust issues since the divorce. Its almost a year now and I feel better but online sites involve alot of facades...I had an episode last year with a guy I met in Vermont. Anyway I just wanted to add my 2 cents in on the dating thing

OP you sound like you have friends at work, and meeting someone by chance, in person is SO much better.

Other than a meetup group , for just movie going friends/platonic, I dont think I will ever use online dating again.

[Girly]

Thanks Hope4theBest

I'm reluctant about online dating. I do have friends at work but I don't tend to go out much as I'm a single Mum. I thought about meetup but I think I'll stick with going to a place I've started going to which is a 'safe' environment as it was a pub that the Church brought and they open it on Friday nights.

I'm not going there to meet guys just to have fun and meet people. I find all friendships hard because of my BPD I don't get close to people and then they think I'm not interested in being friends.

Girly

[Hope4theBest]

meetup i think is good bcs its based on people with common hobbies, etc. I joined a movie and theatre group to get myself involved in external things more.

The dating thing attracts alot of guys who create a new persona online. This may not even represent who they actually are. Plus its based on externals. Just my opinion but I feel alot better not using it anymore.

[Girly]

Well I actually joined a dating site a few weeks ago. Not actually met anyone yet but I've been messaging a few people.

Yesterday I bumped into my ex after 2 years plus and we ignored each other but that affected me for a little while, I was pondering for hours.