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Calm On The Outside, Screaming On The Inside


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13 replies to this topic

#1 mtclmbr_gal

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 01:38 PM

Hey Everyone,

I've really been struggling this week. I haven't showered since last Tuesday (embarrassed to admit that). I haven't been able to eat very much either. I'm very anxious (bad kind) to go back to work tomorrow after a week off. I love my job, but I hate the madness & the poor management. I tried resigning last week, but my bosses are putting so much pressure on me to stay by laying on the guilt trips. They keep telling me that if I don't work full-time (job I was hired to do was part-time), that there won't be enough teachers to watch the children & that is against the law. I'm a para for those with special needs, but somehow I got stuck as the lead teacher who has been working 40-60 hrs/week & finally had a meltdown at work.

With my friend nearly dying recently, my mom-like figure battling cancer with no treatment options left, losing 2 of my friends almost a couple of years ago one to cancer & another to a drunk driver; I haven't had much time to grieve. I also recently graduated from college & moved to a new town, so the transition hasn't been easy either. It's all just piling up on me & has recently began taking its toll on me. Being yelled at at my job and mocked was pretty much my last straw. I've put my heart & soul into my job, and I can't watch 12 children at once while also providing therapy to a child who I was hired to attend to. I'm talking to my other boss tomorrow to either quit, take a leave, or set some strict boundaries. I'm just very depressed at the moment. Doing laundry, eating, or even picking up a single thing is far too overwhelming for me. My friend also said she was going to call me to take me out to lunch today, but that didn't happen. While I'm trying not to be angry (b/c something may have come up for her), I'm just so tangled up in a web of frustration right now & trying to deal with this on my own.

#2 MaddieLouise

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 05:52 PM

Hi mt_clmber girl,

I'm terribly sorry for all of your losses, and you are right that you really need to take time off for yourself in order to grieve and recover from what sounds like a terrible job situation. Working in education myself, I do understand the incredible strain this job entails, and when we care, we push ourselves to the limits. It amounts to job burn out, and people just don't undersand what it takes to teach and care for all the needs children have all day long. Our numbers are increasing, and our funding is decreasing, but we can't complain, or we get a guilt trip. Honestly, I wouldn't let the guilt deter you. You are no good to the child you are caring for or the other children if you aren't strong yourself.

Ask for time off or a short leave, and if you don't get it, consider another job.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise
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#3 onmyown

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 06:03 PM

mtclmbrgal,

I can relate to your topic title really well. I know what it's like to suffer many losses in a short period of time, seems like story of my life. Anyhow, I'm all out of ideas at the moment, but wanted to let you know I relate and that you do need to take care of yourself and I hope that you work something out with your job that allows it.

Best wishes.
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#4 beetlejuice

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 06:09 PM

Hi Mt Climber Girl,

You should explain to your boss that you are being over worked and this is affecting your ability to do your job. If they try to guilt trip you then tell them the guilt is on their head not yours, and its up to them to recruit enough staff to do the job. You're being overworked but still trying to do the best job you can. And I agree with Maddie you should get some time off for berievement.

#5 mtclmbr_gal

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 09:20 PM

Thank you all for your support. It helps a great deal to have someone just respond to my frustrations or to relate to what I'm going through. I have talked to my boss about being overworked, and she just laughed at me. I then said I would like to resign. They pretty much pleaded for me to come back, so now I'm going to have a talk with my primary boss tomorrow - the one that didn't laugh at me (I have 2 bosses). We'll see what happens tomorrow. :shocked:

#6 LaurynJcat

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Posted 04 June 2012 - 02:35 AM

Hi mtclmbr_gal,

Just read your post(s) and you have been through a lot. :console:

I think if it's a choice between your mental health and your job, choose your mental health. But I hope they can come up with some kind of compromise for you.

Best wishes. Let us know how it goes.
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"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."
- William Ehrmann, from "Desiderata."  
 
"Nothing you ever did or that was ever done to you could touch, even in the slightest, the radiant essence of who you are."
- Ekhart Tolle, from _The Power of Now_.    Posted Image   Posted Image

#7 MaddieLouise

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Posted 04 June 2012 - 12:15 PM

Thank you all for your support. It helps a great deal to have someone just respond to my frustrations or to relate to what I'm going through. I have talked to my boss about being overworked, and she just laughed at me. I then said I would like to resign. They pretty much pleaded for me to come back, so now I'm going to have a talk with my primary boss tomorrow - the one that didn't laugh at me (I have 2 bosses). We'll see what happens tomorrow. :shocked:


Very professional response - them laughing. I'm glad you took the "then I resign" approach, because they weren't taking you seriously, and you need this! Good job!

MaddieLouise
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#8 mtclmbr_gal

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 12:00 AM

Good news! They let me cut my hours in half! Thankfully I can afford to do that for a little while & enjoy a 4-day weekend! I'm so much happier! I've also been able to get out of bed and shower! Whoo whoo!
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#9 MaddieLouise

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 12:06 AM

Congratulations! Great way to go for what you wanted. Maybe this will give you some much needed time away.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise
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#10 addict1968

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 12:14 AM

I am happy for you mtclmbr gal. Wish you all the best.

Take care,
Diagnosis: Bi-Polar II, Currently in Major Depression, GAD
Medication: Sertraline 150 mg (Zoloft), Olanzapine 5mg (Zyprexa)

#11 Trace

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 03:36 AM

That is excellent news mtclmbr_gal!

Trace
Listen in deep silence. Be very still and open your mind.... Sink deep into the peace that waits for you beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights and sounds of this insane world. - A course of miracles.

True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.



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#12 mtclmbr_gal

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 01:42 PM

Now I'm just having troubles figuring out what to do on my days off. While I know I need to rest, it's hard for me to just sit around. I would like to begin trying yoga tonight to see if it's something I would enjoy doing, but my energy level to leave my apartment is low, and I'm afraid of what other people may think of my body shape (my non-anxiety part of my brain is saying, "Who cares?").

#13 Girly

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 02:57 PM

That's grea news that you were able to cut your hours. I work three days a week now and I am so much happier for it. I swim on my days off.
Girly


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#14 LibraryLady

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 03:01 PM

Hey Mtclmbr Gal,

I replied to your other post too, but I wanted to chime in here as well!

When things were going well for me, I was slender and fit. I taught Yoga (got the national certification), and water aerobics as well as working as a Librarian 40 hrs a week! I was on top of the world.

Now, I'm well over 200 lbs, in a lot of physical pain from previous injuries and Rheumatoid Arthritis, and just depressed as hell. My anxiety has been extreme lately too. So, I can certainly relate to what you are feeling!

My energy level is so low I have a hard time walking from my car to the library. And I park in a handicapped spot up near the building! I know it's good for me to get up and walk around, and I enjoy doing it when I am working with students but god am I tired afterwards!

I gave up long ago caring what other people think of me. I am a careful dresser and very into being color coordinated, but I do it for my own enjoyment and not for anyone else! The only person who's opinion I care about is my boyfriend. He started dating me when I was slim and has stuck with me through this 4 years of weight gain, depression and anxiety. He has been a rock for me, but I feel so badly for him. He didn't sign up for this! So, for his sake and for my own health I'm trying to lose weight. That's really hard for someone with binge eating problems!

I don't know how or why I got off on this tangent! I guess I'm trying to say I really relate to what you are saying. One thing I wanted to ask is how you are eating? That can have a great effect on your energy levels. I know about that because I really eat terribly now, and I used to be very good about "fueling" my body.


LibraryLady

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read!"
Groucho Marx


Diagnosis: Depression; General Anxiety Disorder; Eating Disorder - Binging

Meds I've tried: Welbutrin; Cymbalta; Xanex
Current Meds: Prozac; Buspar

Other issues: Rheumatoid Arthritis, diagnosed at age 35 (I'm 57 now); three bulging discs in lower spine; very overweight; severe allergies; migraine headaches all the time.


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