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[etsx70]

Greetings, gentlebeings. I'm new here. Your advice is solicited...

I'm a little post-traumatic, and quite stress-disordered...after reading some posts/threads, I would have to admit that my stuation/condition is not as bad as I thought (relatively). Still, it's very real to me, and I'm trying to take getting well seriously. I struggle fearfully through my days, in some pain. This is a Barsteward, because I was always such a happy and indestructible guy, before. I am attending group therapy, which is usually interesting, but not always directly relevant. I try to take something away from every session, anyway.

As one consequence of the events that brought me to this place, I've wound up with a back injury that has robbed me of my ability to engage in physical activity in any strenuous way. As I had always seen myself most centrally as an athlete, it's a big obstacle to getting better mentally...a near-constant reminder of events. When I'm in pain, they come back.

I have scraped some money together for physiotherapy. I am so scared of losing any more function in my leg, and still clinging to hope that I will someday be able again to walk the high ridges (for instance), even if only as day trips. Skiing the backcountry chutes, biking the trails, running, Ultimate frisbee, kayaking, picking up my little girl and swinging her around - all gone...sigh. It sometimes feels as if somebody died, and it was me. So I guess there's loss, there, too. And fear of loss.

If any of you wonderful people have any thoughts on how to deal with the effect of 'reminder' injuries on your ptsd, I would love to hear them.
My little plan is to plug away at the therapy as best I can (and just started Zoloft), but to really try to sort out my physical issues as a priority.

Happy moments,
Q

[addict1968]

Hi Q,

Welcome to DF .

I feel for you and understand the pain you are going through. It can be really depressing to not be able to do all the physical activities that you could do earlier. I do not know the exact condition of your injury but have seen a lot of people being able to gain 90+ % of their strength (some even normal) through physiotherapy and time. Don't lose hope - things will turn out to be better - give yourself sufficient time and with physio you should start gaining strength.

Take care,

[DreamAgain]

Welcome etsx70,

I cried as I read your post because I can really relate to how you feel not being able to do what you once could....I also went into a deep depression...and stayed there for quite a while. Then one day I decided to do something about it and have been working on it ever since. I am happy to say that I have come to accept where I am physically...and I am also continuing to make progress there after alot of PT, therapeutic massage, exercise, etc. I have a long way to go and it seems that everyday brings new challenges I am happy to be alive, finally. I see you also working at it...please never give up, life is too precious....I wish you the best of everything. Hang in there and look forward to seeing you online.

[etsx70]

Hi, and thanks, you guys.
Yes, trying to nibble away at the physical barriers to wellness. I'm sort of trying to keep the issues separate. And that's hard, especially when when my little girl asks me each week, "Is your back better, Daddy?" I tell her it's 'not good, but getting better..."
Focus on the little victories, right? I'm off to the doctor today, and hopefully the MRI can tell me/him that I can recover or stabilize, and then I'll trundle off to the physio...a little fearful about that too, as the PT I've decided on is a woman I knew in high school (but haven't talked to since); I will ask her to really put her brain to work on my injury, and I'm going to try to tell her why it's so important to me.
I have to say that the loss of ability is (currently) feeling as shattering as the events that gave me the injury...
Deep cleansing breath,
Q

[taysmom1016]

Hi Q, welcome!

I can relate also, I'm afraid. I suffered a back injury in a car accident in 1993, broke both shoulders (one in the accident, one courtesy of my ex husband) that can cause excruciating pain just by sleeping on them wrong, and still more chronic pain (enter PTSD) from a severe case of Legionnaire's that left me with neurological damage and had to go on disability (I'm only 47). It's tough not to be able to do all the things I used to but I'm lucky to be alive and eternally grateful for the things I still can do (walk my dog, simple yard work, ride bike, play basketball and tennis with my son, SHOP, etc.). I hope PT will help you recover even more and that you learn to conquer the PTSD as I know that can be HE**. I take the bad days as they come, cherish the good, and hope that some day there will be more good than bad! Good luck and same wishes for you!

[etsx70]

Taysmom, you're my idol!
I am curious, though: does pain bring back your accident to your mind? I mean in a traumatic way; I can remember very well the accident in which I broke my arm when I was 20, but that doesn't feel traumatic, even when I bump it the particular way that makes it hurt...

Doc said today that he'll give me a nerve block to stop the pain, and as long as I don't do anything extreme, 90% chance I'll be back to 90% ability in a year or two. Insert guarded 'woohoo' here.
I'm still a month away from that happening. And of course I'm still a heap of jello. I don't like the idea of taking T3's (codeine) for any length of time.
I guess a month won't be that long...tick...tick...tick...

Edit: And, yes, it's the neurological damage I'm worried about making worse. I can live at this level if I have to, and with your example, I think I might enjoy it. Most of the time.

Edited by etsx70, 30 May 2012 - 11:22 PM.

[taysmom1016]

Hi Etsx70!

Ironically, the car accident didn't leave any traumatic memories with me, other than I get a little nervous as a passenger (I wasn't driving, the driver fell asleep). However, the Legionnaire's in 2008 left me with PTSD, I went through hell (feel free to read my profile) and I think being in a coma for 5 days makes it hard for me to sleep (I'm afraid I won't be able to wake myself up, I remember that feeling while in the coma). Plus I had to be hospitalized a year and a half ago for stomach problems for tests and my pdoc thinks it triggered some PTSD episode being back in the hospital again because that's when my major depression and anxiety started. Of course I was only 28 when I had my car accident, never thought for a moment I would die (didn't know how seriously I was hurt), got out of the hospital a week later on top of the world with a great appreciation for life and didn't have a bad day for months. After the legionnaire's, (I was 42) I was afraid I was going to have a relapse and die and leave my son and was constantly in fear and just felt unwell for a very, very long time (still do to some extent). Now just last week I was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer. More fun.

I applaud you for not wanting to take codeine. I was on minimal pain meds until the legionnaire's, then had to be put on a fentanyl patch to control the pain which seems to help most of the time. I used to take ibuprofen at night but no more thanks to the ulcer!

I hope everything works out for you, it sounds like you definitely have the right attitude and that's so important. I know the more active I am, no matter how depressed I feel, the better my physical pain is. If I let myself lay around in bed for even a day, I feel it the next! My son's last day of school today, I'm going to try to initiate bike rides, mini golf, etc. as I need the exercise and HE needs to get off the xBox this summer!!!

Edited by taysmom1016, 31 May 2012 - 02:37 PM.

[etsx70]

Yeah, sleep can be hard to come by; I am afraid of it being tomorrow already...
Looking forward to the weekend with my daughter - funny, most of the bad feelings go away when I'm with her!