I wonder about these things too. I've been feeling so bad lately that I went to see my doctor the past week. After talking to me for close to 30 mins she explained that from my symptoms I presented and my history, that this was essentially - "how I was" ..it was how my body and mind and makeup is. I think I've heard just about every explanation for depression there is out there - and nobody seems to have a clear cut answer. I've tried to convince myself it was just attitude, or environment, or whatever anything besides genes - so that I'd feel my life wasn't hopeless, i wasn't a victim of fate. I have tried to be as healthy as I possibly can. I think I am among the physically healthiest that I know. Infact I don't know anyone who eats quite as healthy as I do. I have a body and a life that many would simply **** for, and i'm told this frequently by people that love me. But I haven't dated in years and I feel like I'm barely alive, barely living. And I suffer from the depression and negativity.
I think she is right. This all started happening to me after i hit puberty..and I can't explain the effects I get when I do go on an antidepressant. I feel better, I have more energy and more drive, more dreams and more creativity about the future. Its as if I'm actually living, actually alive. It's as if I come alive. And it feels great (minus the side effects). I hate depression and wish it would just go away. But we have to live with this. ..i know how hard it is. When I'm depressed there are a cascade of changes that subtly take shape in the way i interpret and feel things. It's just as if I can't be positive. If I find out my friend is going to Vegas...and i see him talking about it on fb, with his friends organizing a trip; i instantly feel depressed and resentful and sad. I think "he's going without me". or "he doesn't like me that much as a friend" crosses my mind. What I'm saying is it seems to be a negative interpretive experience that pervades my thinking...but its just how i am. i mean when left alone that is just how i tend to feel and think, normally. On antidepressants I can tell you it wouldn't affect me like that. It would probably hit me as a minor blow I could shake off and still be positive about - and think , hey I hope he has fun!..and maybe even call to ask if i could go with him. The changes your life takes based on mood!!! I do so many things when I'm nondepressed that just wouldn't happen when I feel like i normally do. It's really, really sad.
I'm going to get on an AD this week because, I need it. I finally admit I need it to live my best life. To be myself. I don't know what I'll take because I've tried so many and gotten side effects from nearly all. I know I only need low doses for it to be effective - but I'm thinking trazodone. I know no one uses this as an antidepressant anymore but i can't understand why. I think it just might work, especially if i can get the XR formula.
I've thought about why I can't control this stuff without medication, or if its even possible to control it that way. I just feel that there is a complex cascade of effects that I'm not sure doing CBT would turn around, like taking a med would. Meds change me and they work and I don't know how. I know studies have come out that said CBT is just as effective at treating Depression as medications are. But I can't understand this. Medication changes me in a way that is drastic..i just haven't got the same benefit from doing cognitive therapy. Maybe i haven't tried hard enough...the depression makes you not want to try. it makes everything seem insurmounting and hopeless. Like "how can I catch every single negative thought I have, or change a mindset" ...."it would be impossible" ....or " i cant get the changes i get from taking a med" ....I just truly don't understand how cbt could get rid of all the cascade of effects that depression is.
Has anyone accomplished this? Can you give any advice to me?
p.s. I think that depression, whether its caused biologically or whatever...is underpinned by a pervasive negative way of thinking. I don't know why all people seem to share the same ways. but research has shown that it doesn't matter the cause - addressing the negative thoughts does turn it around. I wish I knew the cause. ...its weird to think of how biology or genes can make your thinking style a certain negative way. there are some evolutionary explanations for how the brain works and for depression - that a depressed outlook is more realistic and helpful for immediate survival situations. So this can explain its adaptive existence. I don't think anything would just come around or exist for no reason. Anyway - i don't know why i think the way i do - why i interpret things negatively and 'in a depressed manner' consistently. but maybe i don't have to. maybe just working on changing it may help. seeing my own thoughts as if iw as an outside observer and generated from my brain, not from me. And though i naturally have a pessimistic style of cognition, that through work i can modify it ...and that though I may always have this pessimistic style of thinking and interpreting..with work i can maybe modify it to the point where i don't have to watch and correct my thoughts all the time - but that i can permanently change my explanatory style. Is there any research for this?
Edited by EastDream, 27 May 2012 - 08:44 AM.