Posted 16 June 2012 - 11:09 PM
Structure is very important to build self worth, whatever form it takes. The trouble of course is that when you're depressed it's hard to find the motivation to build structure.
Persistant depressive spells, or even just low motivation, are the reason I sometimes still deliberately caffeinate myself, just to get that bipolar high in order to feel inspired. Even though I know it will be short lived and result in my inbuilt scales being tipped towards the angry high energy side. But angry energy can be better than being stuck in the quagmire of low energy depression, and that's why I do it sometimes. Of course, finding something that gives me normal motivation and energy, and common unhappiness as opposed to hysterical misery, is what I ultimately want. And I feel I'm a lot closer to it than I have previously been.
My theory, for a while now, about why I used to over consume caffeinated drinks, binge on chocolate, and boubon and cola. Is that I was using it to self medicate for depression. This was at a time when I didn't really know what depression actually was. All I knew was it relieved the bad feelings I had on and off for a lifetime. Feelings I thought, at the time, where what everyone experienced. Little did I know that depression was a more extreme form of the unhappiness that everyone felt at times. I also didn't realise, at the time, that the 'high' i was feeling wasn't normal either, it was mania (probably generally hypomania).
My Bipolar seems to give me an over reactive constitution. Where certain common chemicals (ie. fast release sugars and caffeine) give me an energetic 'feel good high'. When the feel good chemical reaction fizzles out, I then drop into an energetic 'angry low'. If I stay away from the danger chemicals I tend to switch between predominantly 'low mood' (although not angry), and rare 'normal mood'. Mirtazapine keeps me from falling into a deep depression. And at present, the occasional caffeine fix keeps me from being stuck in, what I see as, dead unmotivated no-where land. This is why I'm experimenting with low dose NRI (reboxatine), to see if it is more slow release than caffeine, but so far it seems to have an identical reaction on me. The happy UP, followed by the longer angry down.
Sigmund Freud's aspiration for psychotherapy: "to transform hysterical misery into common unhappiness". This is all I expect from pharmacotherapy aswell.