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Just Came Out Of A Hole.....never Give Up!!!!!!!!!!!!


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#1 TwinMommy

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Posted 19 April 2012 - 11:09 PM

I just came out of a deep depression, actually still slowly working my way out but I just remember last week at this time how hopeless and lost I was. I couldn't eat....all I did was sleep. My Mom was here with my twins full time. I had suicidal ideations....I couldn't go through with that because of my kids but it doesn't mean I did not feel it A LOT. Just have hope. I needed to hear that last week so I figured I would type it here. I was going through a med change waiting for my med change to take effect and this week, 9 days later, the Prozac started making me feel like "me" again. I actually left the house! So please remember, as hopeless as you may feel, it is a temporary feeling. OXOXO to all those hurting out there. It is horrible! But we are all in this together!
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Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#2 Trace

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 03:06 AM

Hi Laura

I am so glad that you came out of your episode and are feeling better!

Trace
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Listen in deep silence. Be very still and open your mind.... Sink deep into the peace that waits for you beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights and sounds of this insane world. - A course of miracles.

True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.



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#3 pitofdoom

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 05:38 AM

I'm glad that the dark clouds are eventually going away. I am 3 weeks into a medication change after 15 years on sertraline they have now put me on mertazapine.it's great to hear that you have a supportive mum. that's what mums do best i guess, and I know you will be a supportive mum to your twins.

I know the road to recovery is always little steps and often 2 forward and one back but you will get there. we have our first baby on the way in 7 weeks time and so everything from everyone on the outside is. I should be happpy look what I've got to look forward to, not everyone can have children etc.etc.. but I describe my brain at the minute as being like a broken calculator that adds 1+1 and it = 3. I know eventually the butons will eventually realign and it will =2 once again. It's nice to hear from someone that is starting get out of their hole.It gives us all a little hope. I know years ago when I used to get depressed I wanted a quick fix to get better.It's only after doing more research into depression that I know this isn't going to happen overnight.

I will get there too, the hard bit is for me to come to terms with it will take as long as it takes, I can't rush things but I know I can do things that may speed things up.

Big hugs, darren
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#4 Shmooey

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 06:09 AM

I'm so very happy for you! I'm starting to climb out of mine too. It's amazing when the meds all click!
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The world is way too loud...

 

Treated for DID and psychotic depression with:  Effexor XR 300 mg, Haldol 5 mg, Wellbutrin XL 300 mg, Buspar 30 mg (10/10/10), Klonopin 1 mg. and 250 mg Lamictal 


#5 Tomatheus

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 02:27 PM

TwinMommy,

I too am glad to hear that the Prozac that you're taking seems to be working and that you've been feeling more like your self. Thank you for sharing this with us and for giving the rest of us some hope.

Tomatheus
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#6 TwinMommy

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 11:51 PM

Thanks everyone.....your words are really kind. And Darren, I know what you mean about everything on the outside looking good....but inside we just aren't right when we are down in that hole. It is great that you realize that it takes awhile to come out but it WILL happen for you and it is slowly happening for me. I am not there yet but I have stopped catastrophizing (at least about 50% less ;) and am getting out of the house. I am exhausted and all that and the second part of the day is much harder for some reason. But I know it'll shape into place and hopefully it will be a good summer......hope the Prozac works for years like the Celexa did for me.....again looking too far into the future! Need to take this one day at a time!
Yes, I wrote it to give hope b/c last week I needed that hope like there was no tomorrow!! Hugs to all!!!!!! P.S. I do like the quote that goes something like Be Kind, for everyone is fighting a battle.....but I think of it like, you never know who is fighting a tougher battle than we are......in that, it could be worse! For me, perspective right now is my friend. She is 37 and has 3 young kids and has stage 3 thyroid cancer. She is fighting for her life but still says, "Everyday is a gift." That helps me a bit.....I pray for her and I know she prays for me. Sorry for the rambling. I do that a lot! XO
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Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#7 Lisa15

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Posted 21 April 2012 - 05:56 PM

Congratulations, TwinMommy! Like you, I am in remission from my latest bout of depression. I still get twinges of it now and then, but I know I am definitely on the other side of The Pit. No more suicidal ideations, for one thing, and I feel more energetic, more "me." Soon after I began to feel better, though, I had one of those "twinges," so I asked my doctor to up the dosage of my Sertraline. She agreed, and now I'm at 150 mg and am doing much better. Meds and therapy are a godsend.

For all the rest of you out there who are still deep in The Pit, know that there is hope and help out there. I know it's hard to believe that right now, but if I could climb out (on God's shoulders), anyone can. I was as desperate as a person can get, and now I am healing. Don't know if/when I'll have a relapse, but for now, I'm thanking God for the return of "me."
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#8 Free2BMe

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Posted 21 April 2012 - 06:48 PM

Sooooo happy for you for beating the big grey beast!
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"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." ~ Samuel Beckett

#9 TwinMommy

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Posted 21 April 2012 - 11:19 PM

Lisa, like you say....I am just so grateful for beginning to return to me.....I pretty much know I'll relapse at some point (I know, negative thinking is not a good thing!!) But knowing and keeping on reminding ourselves that it is a temporary feeling is what helps you get through it, I think. I had a small party to go to tonight, just 7 girls....it was a party where they were selling "31" products....purses, totes, organizational things. I dreaded going but I forced myself. Was there 2 hours. Kind of boring but felt good to get out and just do it!! I need to keep forcing myself to get up and get out. I even did a load of laundry tonight (no folding yet, LOL) and wiped down the bathroom. That was huge for me!! Nice to see the other side coming along! Best wishes to all of you.
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#10 ArthurP

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Posted 22 April 2012 - 12:17 AM

Though I'm in a down phase now, in my last session I came up with the analogy of it being like a circus peanut: one can't do s**t, but you get enough and you can protect the Mona Lisa. Every positive step we take (therapy, meds, exercise, socializing, etc) is a circus peanut. It just takes some time to get enough.

I just wish mine would get here sooner...
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#11 Just Adam

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Posted 22 April 2012 - 12:39 AM

Thats great. I'm just coming out of a very dark place myself. I was completely off my meds for a while too. And my antidepressants hadn't seemed to be working anymore anyway, so I just dropped them and told the doc. Now, coincidentally, I will be starting prozac tommorrow. I've had 3 weekends in a row where my depression was terrible. Almost suicidal the first one. But now this weekend I'm feeling very hopefull! I'm hoping the prozac will be the little boost I need to get completely out of the funk.
Thanks for sharing. I think sometimes people really need reminders that things will get better. I certainly did.
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#12 TwinMommy

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Posted 22 April 2012 - 10:47 PM

Hey Adam, So happy to here you are going back on meds. It is REALLY frustrating when you feel like nothing is working anymore. I had never tried Prozac and am so glad I did. Tomorrow will be day 14 and like I said, I am still not there but I am SO much better than I was. My weekends were similar, in bed, sleeping 17 hours straight, complete hopelessness. I missed Easter. I could not get up. So my husband took over for the day (we have 4 kids between us) But I felt so terrible that I wasn't there for church, brunch, etc. But now it doesn't even matter b/c that is in the past and each day is getting a tiny bit better. So I am anxious to hear how you start to feel. For me, I have had insomnia and am taking a small dose of Trazadone at night, which helps. My sleep is fitful some nights, but some nights I sleep straight through. That has been the biggest hurdle....I also have a little anxiety in the evening but that could be from the Adderall. Keep us updated. I was more hopeful as well the day before my pdoc appt. just knowing SOMETHING was being done to start on the road to feeling normal again. I will be thinking of you and hope to hear how you are doing. Take care!!
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#13 TwinMommy

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Posted 22 April 2012 - 10:49 PM

ArthurP, I love that analogy.....I am going to write it down. It is a great way to look at things. Hope you start to feel better soon.
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#14 Just Adam

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Posted 23 April 2012 - 09:16 PM

Thank you for your kind words. It wounds like we have been having some similar struggles. I missed Easter too. I was in bed. I also have terrible insomnia, and anxiety. And I take trazadone as well. As for the prozac, I had taken it before, and had to switch. I liked it while it worked. But my meds all stop working eventually. So now I'm back on prozac after several years trying other things. I expect it to work well, as it did before. So far its only been a couple days, but I already feel slightly more motivated.
Take care. I hope the prozac keeps working for you (And me too).

#15 TwinMommy

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 01:48 PM

Hi Adam, I am so confused, as the Prozac was helping me so much but the last 2 days have been horrible again. Yesterday I thought it was just lack of sleep b/c I think I didn't take enough Trazadone the night before (I am cutting up 150mg tablets) and I only slept 4 hours. Last night I got a good night's sleep, my Mom came over and took the kids to school. I got good rest and I woke up feeling bad again. I am crying easily, etc. Did this happen to you before on Prozac? Last week I was doing so well. I got out of the house, etc. Now I haven't even bathed for 3 days and feel like I am going back to how I felt before. I have a call into my pdoc. I am on 20mg. Do you think maybe increasing it will help? I am worried it will make my insomnia work, not sure what to do. Do you know what dosage of Prozac you ended up on before you had to switch and it was working last time? I have been on so many antidepressants that I don't want to give up on this one yet. Am just so confused as to how I was feeling better and now worse?? Had to vent. And info/advice would be so appreciated! I am so glad you are feeling slightly more motivated. That is how it was for me, little by little I was getting some more stuff done. Tonight my goal is a bath! Take care to you too!
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#16 TwinMommy

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 10:36 PM

Pdoc increased me to 40 mg/day.....we'll see if it helps. I know it takes time but it feels like an eternity when you life is on hold and you have kid to be taken care of. It is my twins' birthday and birthday party this weekend....don't know how I will make it through. :( Thank God for my mom and husband but can't help but feel so guilty that they are giving ALL of their time to do what I should so easily be doing.
I did, however, take my bath tonight and groom my Maltese. Little things but I have to start somewhere again....gotta take my own advice that this is temporary and not forever. Just does not seem like that right at this moment.
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#17 ArthurP

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:18 PM

Now it's our turn to tell you not to give up. Just read your original post and try and remember where you were. We need people like you to throw the rope back when you get over the wall.
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#18 TwinMommy

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:45 PM

Thanks Arthur, I needed that....this forum is my lifeline right now!!!
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#19 StoniumFrog

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 02:42 AM

Twin,
Keep in there ... the ignoramuses of the world see depession as a weakness. F**k it - i see it as a sign of strength that we are able to carry on! You have recovered before - you will again! You know the usual tips, but as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle of Sherlock Holmes fame once said "There is nothing more deceptive than the obvious"
- Write down your feelings. Articulate and get them out of the head
- Music!
- Humour ... Youtube the s**t out of your fave comedy/comedian
- Did I mention music :-)
- You mentioned about baths. Well you're online now - order so lavender bath soaps (and sure a few other things to really make that time "your" time)
As for the twins birthday, treat it like it is and just be there. No stress, no facade - just be there appreciating their presence and not their presents. Do the whole party thing, but ya know what - have a lttle bit of a family do afterwards. Just even to sit down and have a pizza together. You know well that from previous experience that it is enjoying the little things and avoiding trying to solve everything at once is perhaps key to getting back.
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#20 TwinMommy

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 02:57 PM

Thanks everyone....so appreciated. This board is so great. Stonium Frog....I am putting on you tube now and am going to put on Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock. They hole me up! And last night I watched Wedding Crashers. Those things do help!
Thanks for the advice about the party too.....I will take it and do what you said.
As for the bath, I have salts, etc. and don't use them cause I am usually in a hurry with the kids. Well tonight when I take a bath, I will be in there longer than 5 minutes and use that stuff!!! Thanks for all the great reminders!
I have a journal but tend not to write when I am down. I will do that tonight before bed. Thank you for EVERYTHING!!!!!
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#21 StoniumFrog

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 05:23 PM

Ah good old Dave - unreal ... when getting down, think of his Rick James joke but a different version - "What did the hand say to depression? SMACK!!!" Coldddd Bloodddeddd!
You keep in there and there is no doubt that in time you will be back to the form you were in at the start of the thread.
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#22 Just Adam

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:30 PM

Hello! Sorry to hear you slipped back a bit. I don't remember how high my prozac dosage was. I think I was taking the maximum. Hopefully upping the dose to 40 helps. I'm thinking that by the time I see my doc, which is 3 weeks away, I'll probably be needing an increase as well. Boredom is kind of getting to me. I need to force myself to get up and do more. Keep your head up. And keep us posted.

#23 CarrieB

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 09:38 PM

I have terrible anxiety right now. I swear I want to off myself right now. How did I get back here. Ive gotten so far.... never give up. Everyone, all of you on this forrum you are my heros. So much love I want to hug you all and tell you its going to be okay, Its going to be okay
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#24 TwinMommy

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 10:47 PM

CarrieB....I had anxiety like that back in January and I know what you mean, you just want to jump off a building and end it. It stinks! I sound like a drug pusher but do you have a rescue med, like Xanax for when it gets really bad? That saved me. I remember the anxiety building up into panic and then just crying and feeling like I had to get to the ER.....but the Xanax did help. Sorry you are experiencing it right now. It stinks! Thanks for saying never give up....it is very true! I love that you wrote it's going to be OK, it's going to be OK. My friend passed away in Sept. and I found this song called Songbird by Fleetwood Mac.....it is an old song about lost love but I interpreted it with my friend's death....it was comforting. And one of the lines says, "And I feel that when I'm with you, it's alright, I know it's right." I think of "when I am with you" in a spiritual sense....like when I am praying to him. But the line about "it's alright" reminds me of what you said.....it's going to be OK, it's going to be OK. Such words of comfort. Thank you!
@JUST ADAM....are you on 20mg right now? I think that is what you said. This was day 2 of 40mg. Of course the flat affect feeling hasn't changed but I felt a TINY bit more physical energy today. I'll take it! Keep me updated on your progress too. Everyone here is so great. THANK YOU!
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Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#25 Just Adam

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 05:34 PM

Yeah, I'm on 20 right now. I'm not doing too bad, but I don't think its enough.

#26 TwinMommy

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 10:51 PM

Yeah, just being on 40mg for 3 days now I feel a bit of an improvement. I think the therapeutic dose goes up to 60 (maybe even 80?) I understand them starting on low doses so we don't discontinue cause of the side effects!
I called my doc and he put me up to 40 so if you are feeling really bad before your appt., I wouldn't rule that out. Good luck....we all need it! ;)
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)

#27 Just Adam

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 10:25 PM

I'm doing fairly well right now. Unless I have any major set backs, I'll just wait untill my appointment. I've been taking melatonin with my other meds at night, and it has had noticable benefits in my sleep already.

#28 TwinMommy

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 09:34 PM

Wow, you are so lucky that the Melatonin helps...it is not helping me. Valerian helps a little but I've been taking Trazadone lately, which makes it a little tougher to get up in the morning, but better than being up all night! I had an appt. today and he increased me to 60 already. My thyroid T3 level is way high so I metabolize things quickly so I think I will be OK at the higher dose. If not, I am going to drop it back down! Glad you are doing pretty well......PROGRESS is good!!!!
Laura
36 year old Mom of 5 year old twins, Brandon and Brooke. Stepmom to 14 year old Kate and 9 year old Michael.

Bipolar 2......Major depression and anxiety. Have had some hypomanic episodes...and some rapid cycling. No mania, just hypomania.
Currently on Prozac 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Adderall 20mg 2x/day (for fatigue) Xanax as a rescue med. Started taking 25mg of Trazadone for sleep b/c Prozac is causing insomnia....hopefully that will pass!.....(started Prozac and Adderall last week on 4/9/12 to replace Celexa and Ritalin that stopped working.)




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