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Please Help Me! I Can't Take This Anymore! I Just Want To Love Again..


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#1 nikorii

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:17 PM

Please excuse the length.. I really want to make things accurate and clear.

An uncalled for health shock made me feel almost all the negativity in the world and so I guess my body decided not to feel anymore.. which sent me into depression. (Yes, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.)

I don't want to be like this anymore!
Is this depression playing tricks on my mind or is this the real me? I was at a club last night and it felt as if I didn't want to be there because I didn't feel excitement or anything! Senior ball just hours before I was at the club didn't seem like any fun either even if I know my USUAL self would have loads of fun. I felt so sorry for my boyfriend which I know I love so much but just can't feel anything for either.

Another thing is my boyfriend, I really love him.. He was the one thing I was SO SURE of in my life. But when the depression hit it's like my whole world FLIPPED upside down in a split second and I can't feel any passion or love for him! Does depression do this to you? It's like there's a wall between us when we kiss or hug it's just so horrible!

After some therapy the fatigue and lack of concentration and the disconnection from the world around me lifted but the lack of interest, not finding anything fun, being disconnected from people stayed. It was like I'm not me anymore.. Can depression trick your mind into thinking that you don't like the things or people you used to?

I love my boyfriend to the moon and freaking back and forth but it's like my feelings won't WORK when I'm around him or talk to him! I'm scared it'll be this way forever!!!! I don't want to fall out of love with him because of depression. He's the only thing I know for SURE that made me happy before all of this and now even he doesn't seem to give me any fulfilling feelings.

I wasn't diagnosed with anxiety but I believe it's what causing the delay of my feelings. I'm freaking out a lot and I'm so paranoid about not feeling positive things like joy/excitement and love that sometimes when I'm at an even where I KNOW i'm supposed to be feelings happy or excited but I don't... My chest starts to hurt and my eyes start to well up with tears and it feels like I can't breathe and I just get so scared of feeling the way I'm feeling (or rather not feeling) that I end up bursting into tears, crying and shaking... Could this be anxiety? And could anxiety make someone feel more numb and empty ?

The ODD thing about last night was... I know I'm a party girl. There! I admit. I'm a party girl and I could drink and get happy and wild and everything but yesterday just didn't feel right. I was at the club and I didn't feel like my usual party girl self it was like I was disconnected from my environment.. even if everything was jumping and alive I was there feeling scared and anxious of not feeling the usual sensations I feel. It made me sick to my stomach that I couldn't even drink alcohol! And I'm known to drink quite a lot...

I honestly don't care about anything else but the love of my life, my boyfriend. I just want to have fun and be happy with him again. Honestly, I don't want to depend on medicine. I was wondering how long would it take before it would fade away if I waited for it and try to fight it by myself? Also, will I ever be the same me again once the depression goes away.

Please help me... also if there are similar experiences, feel free to share.

#2 DreamAgain

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 09:23 PM

Hi Nikorii,

Nice to meet you. So sorry you have had so much distress...It is good that you have love in your life, consider that a blessing...So many people are alone in this world. That is one thing I am grateful for is my husband...I really don't know what I would do with him.

Anyway, much of what you are feeling sounds like a combination of depression and anxiety...It is good that you have gotten some medical support. I would encourage you to continue because sometimes it takes time for a full diagnosis and medications. The other thing that is really important to recovery is to get regular therapy so that you can work through some of your feelings and issues and to learn to turn the negative thinking and patterns around. I have found therapy to be very helpful.

Here is an interesting article that I found interesting and may help understand the difference between depression and anxiety. There are also a lot of great articles and links on the DF forum itself. http://www.adaa.org/...iety/depression

Here's an excerpt:

" Depression and anxiety disorders are different, but people with depression often experience symptoms similar to those of an anxiety disorder, such as nervousness, irritability, and problems sleeping and concentrating. But each disorder has its own causes and its own emotional and behavioral symptoms."
Your friend, DreamAgain

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
Leo Buscaglia

"...there is no beginning or end with mental illness, just one big middle. Sometimes that thought bums me out, but other times it takes the pressure off trying to get cured."
BenLP, friend on the DepressionForum :D

Post and let go...DreamAgain

#3 kermit1966

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 11:28 PM

Hey Nikorii,
First of all, thank you for your post. I can see that you feel out of control and not connected. That is one of the hardest places to be. Yes, depression can play tricks on your mind, drain your desire and steer you without mercy to the wrong mental places.

Depression is often the result of unresolved self anger. It is also exasperated by chemical imbalance in the brain. This can cycle in way where you can't break out of the negative thoughts that have you stuck between healing and pulling you into the abyss. You may have steadied your fall with therapy and maybe medicine and seem to be in a holding pattern, not enjoying life anymore, but not falling further down.


Perhaps your subconscious is holding you back wanting to resolve some issues. Your post reminded me of when I was recently getting therapy and taking meds. I got stuck in a similar holding pattern and got frustrated, but the meds kept me from getting angry or motivated enough to make a change. My therapist had equated me with her abuser and started to attack me in some sessions, saying the false accusations of abuse I faced were true. BTW, what I was accused of is physically impossible to do to my 8 y/o and not cause severe physical damage, which my daughter has none of. It is a long story about a person with a vendetta on me was making the false accusations to Child Protective Services and causing me a lot of trauma potentially wrongfully getting my daughter thrown into the foster system. So when my therapist started directly accusing me, I got defensive and asked her straight up, so who abused you. She immediately ended the session 10 minutes early. For the next few visits she no longer listened to me, typed on her computer and no longer made eye contact. She was late each time by more than 5 minutes and blamed me for the late starts, even though I was waiting in the lobby. A week after she suggested I consider going into a daily treatment as I was in trouble, she changed our sessions from every week to every other week. For a month I floated, not making any progress, wasting sessions with her not even involved nor concerned for my well being. One time I was talking and she was yesing me while typing on the computer. I told her I had taken on the personality of a Muppet and was thinking about Muppet- homicide. She didn't even flinch and kept typing a report that had nothing to do with my therapy. So in a unwise rash decision, I quit taking my meds. I felt they were numbing me away from action. And I went to my next session two weeks later and told her it was my last. She finally paid attention to me, read over all the grievances I had with her, cried and complained that I was not being fair with her. Of course I had not brought up these issues when I was numbed on meds. Of course I dropped a bomb on her. But I was the one who was supposed to get fair treatment, I was the one who was paying her salary and she disconnected from me. She said that was part of the therapy, getting me to react and forcing me to fight for assurance. I know that was a big line of BS and she was angry at me for not serving her. I was not there for her needs.


Stopping the meds cold turkey was terrible and I highly discourage anyone from going rogue and doing this. My wife was more than frustrated with me in one of my volatile mood swings.


I am now with a new therapist who is actually treating me and helping me address my issues. He also told me quitting the meds cold turkey was very dangerous. Being stuck in unproductive therapy was awful and caused more self hate fueling my depression.


I may be way off target equating your situation to mine, but I do know that depression certainly can cause all the things happening to you. Your post is a great step in the right direction. Whatever is holding you back, whatever has you stuck between healing and the abyss of depression, you can break through.


Trust yourself, love yourself and know that whatever you are, you are enough. You can take steps in the right direction, you can heal.


Edited by kermit1966, 24 March 2012 - 11:29 PM.


#4 nikorii

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Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:49 AM

Thank you for your insights on my problem.
I'm just really scared. I want to love again.. I don't care about anything else in my life. Why did depression take away my utterly strong feelings for him? He was the only thing that made me happy in this life and I'm sure of it! Nothing was wrong at all with our relationship. NOTHING! Suddenly the feelings faded in a drop of a hat and I feel like there's an invisible wall between me and him everytime we hug or kiss.. It's so FRUSTRATING when I know I never used to be like that.. not even with ANY of my ex's! When I love... I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY no BUTS no IFS and I know that I'm not falling out of love with him there's something completely wrong with me and my emotional system I just want this over with but I don't want to take meds because I don't want to depend on it...

My therapist has told me to stop conditioning my mind that "I don't feel anything,." He says not to say it or think that i don't feel anything because I would be a hopeless case then.. He said no matter what techniques he uses nothing would work unless I think positive and I condition my mind into thinking I will heal. How do I do this when I can't help but freak out when I hug him and the feelings aren't the same.. like they've dissolved into thin air.

This isn't me! I swear I'm becoming someone else...

I KNOW the exact things that would make me happy, and I can' list them down right now! I tell you, they're the ones that fulfill me each and every day before this DREADFUL thing happened! But even if I tell you they make me happy it's like once I have it or once I'm in the situation that I'm supposed to be happy in... The feelings just fly away from me and it's like it's not there!

Today I felt so disconnected with the world around me it's like I couldn't feel anything in my environment it was like I couldn't experience life...

Sure, I'd laugh because things are funny NOT because I'm happy... It's so frustrating and I'm so lost and confused I don't know what to do!

#5 kermit1966

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Posted 25 March 2012 - 07:39 PM

Thank you for reading our responses. It sounds as if your therapist is focusing on your behaviors which seem to be symptoms of the depression, not the cause. Whatever the DREADFUL thing is, it is obviously more than just an incident and may be what corrupted your happiness. The fact that you mention it in the third person is a possible hint that you are not willing to face it and that IT has tremendous power over you. I am no professional, I can just speak from my personal experience.

Whatever the DREADFUL thing from your past is, you need to heal and let it rest in peace where it will no longer haunt you. Here is poem I wrote when I crashed and burned into a mental ward of a hospital, because a dreadful thing happened to me and I buried it deep for 27 years. And now I am learning to let it Rest in Peace.


RIP Yesterday
--------------------
Today was yesterday's
Tomorrow

Today's tomorrow is not
yesterday or before

Windows to the Soul
tell no lies

So see what I see
move the earth and sky

Feel what I feel
your Angels are Real

Make Tomorrow's, Tomorrow's, Tomorrow

Be Simple
Be Just
Be True to You
and only you

RIP Yesterday,
Rest in Peace

#6 nikorii

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Posted 25 March 2012 - 10:34 PM

The dreadful thing I was talking about IS the depression.
I just want a sure fire way to stop being depressed and love life, my interests and my boyfriend again..

#7 vega57

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Posted 25 March 2012 - 10:53 PM

Please excuse the length.. I really want to make things accurate and clear.

An uncalled for health shock made me feel almost all the negativity in the world and so I guess my body decided not to feel anymore.. which sent me into depression. (Yes, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.)

I don't want to be like this anymore!
Is this depression playing tricks on my mind or is this the real me? I was at a club last night and it felt as if I didn't want to be there because I didn't feel excitement or anything! Senior ball just hours before I was at the club didn't seem like any fun either even if I know my USUAL self would have loads of fun. I felt so sorry for my boyfriend which I know I love so much but just can't feel anything for either.

Another thing is my boyfriend, I really love him.. He was the one thing I was SO SURE of in my life. But when the depression hit it's like my whole world FLIPPED upside down in a split second and I can't feel any passion or love for him! Does depression do this to you? It's like there's a wall between us when we kiss or hug it's just so horrible!

After some therapy the fatigue and lack of concentration and the disconnection from the world around me lifted but the lack of interest, not finding anything fun, being disconnected from people stayed. It was like I'm not me anymore.. Can depression trick your mind into thinking that you don't like the things or people you used to?

I love my boyfriend to the moon and freaking back and forth but it's like my feelings won't WORK when I'm around him or talk to him! I'm scared it'll be this way forever!!!! I don't want to fall out of love with him because of depression. He's the only thing I know for SURE that made me happy before all of this and now even he doesn't seem to give me any fulfilling feelings.

I wasn't diagnosed with anxiety but I believe it's what causing the delay of my feelings. I'm freaking out a lot and I'm so paranoid about not feeling positive things like joy/excitement and love that sometimes when I'm at an even where I KNOW i'm supposed to be feelings happy or excited but I don't... My chest starts to hurt and my eyes start to well up with tears and it feels like I can't breathe and I just get so scared of feeling the way I'm feeling (or rather not feeling) that I end up bursting into tears, crying and shaking... Could this be anxiety? And could anxiety make someone feel more numb and empty ?

The ODD thing about last night was... I know I'm a party girl. There! I admit. I'm a party girl and I could drink and get happy and wild and everything but yesterday just didn't feel right. I was at the club and I didn't feel like my usual party girl self it was like I was disconnected from my environment.. even if everything was jumping and alive I was there feeling scared and anxious of not feeling the usual sensations I feel. It made me sick to my stomach that I couldn't even drink alcohol! And I'm known to drink quite a lot...

I honestly don't care about anything else but the love of my life, my boyfriend. I just want to have fun and be happy with him again. Honestly, I don't want to depend on medicine. I was wondering how long would it take before it would fade away if I waited for it and try to fight it by myself? Also, will I ever be the same me again once the depression goes away.

Please help me... also if there are similar experiences, feel free to share.

i would like to respond to one of your questions: yes having a mental illness can and times cause your brain to play tricks on you, this is why its so important to stay on your meds if you are on them. sometimes we tend to dwell on things that are acutally small but make them into something big because the our brains function but dont be dismaied or afraid, you can control this, again by staying on your meds and doing what your pdoc tells you to. you should try not to drink alcohol and never, ever use drugs, this will make it much worse; you may feel better while you are under the influence but once it wears off it could be much worse. please try to stay strong, you can live a normal life. Lord bless

#8 nikorii

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:59 AM

Oh, no.. I don't want to rely on meds so I'm not on them..
:(

#9 kermit1966

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 06:25 PM

Nikori,
I no longer need them, but meds were a tool that helped me climb out of the abyss. Depression is a physical condition that prevents the healthy balance of chemistry in your brain. Medicine is not what it use to be. I took a mild dose of Lexapro and it really worked. So you have to understand, medicine is another tool, like therapy, to help you get back on the right path. Just because you start it, it does not mean you will forever be dependent on it. It takes up to a couple of weeks for it to take full effect, depending in what you take and how your chemistry works. I no longer take it. But if Oi crash again, I will, because my life depends on it.

If I had a computer program you ran once a day that would generate $1000 honest cash while helping the world, not hurting it, would you be willing to press the button and give it a try at no risk? Of course there is no such thing as reward without risk, but modern medicines are fairly safe and if they can help you, why not use them.

Be Well,
Mike




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