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[Sattuma]

Hey everybody!

My nickname is Sattuma, and I live in Finland. I'm 17 years old (18 in August) and I don't know what to do anymore. Everybody disappears in some point. I'm afraid to have new friends, because I don't wanna lose people anymore. I don't like to take risks. I have been feeling blue now about three-four years. I don't actually know why. I have tried to be happy and do things I like, but it doesn't help. I always fall back down. I'm shy, very shy. I hate to speak to big audience. I don't like to be middle of people and I don't like that people stares at me. I kinda like to be alone, but I hate it? I have heard that I'm fat. I don't like eating. Maybe this all sadness begun four years ago when I started to look what I eat. I stopped eating. My anorexic friend always told me how fat she was. And always I wondered "If she is fat, what I am?"
I hate it when someone watch while I'm eating. I eat secretly and alone in my room. I shame myself. I hate myself. I think about suicide and dying and I cut.
I'm good at smiling and saying that everything is OK. I don't speak. I would like to speak with someone and tell someone that I'm not feeling good but I don't know how, it's hard for me to talk about my feelings. Were they good or bad. Because people would ask 'why?' and that is too long story and they wouldn't understand. And no one cares.

Thank you, it was nice to write that :) Those things have been in my mind all these years. That wasn't all but good start... I think.

[jimbow15]

Hi Sattuma and Welcome to DF

I am sure that you will find a lot support from our members here on DF. .

It sounds like you may have a problem with anxiety, social anxiety or a related mental health issue. This is often a problem for young people with a specific personality style and are introvert by nature.

I would recommend that you see your Doctor for advice and perhaps some therapy like CBT. What you can do for yourself in the meantime is change your view of yourself.

It sounds like your self esteem and confidence are very low and this can lead to social anxiety. Some of your beliefs about yourself are distorted and not a true picture of yourself. Spend some time getting to know your real self, you talents and abilities and write these down. Then take time to see yourself in a more truthful and realistic as a really nice, kind and sensitive person who has a great deal to offer this world.

If you can then get involved in some community activity that helps you work with your local community , perhaps helping poor or disabled people or working with children in need. The more comfortable you get in the company of other people , you will develop and change and your self esteem and condifence will increase.

Be determined to do something totally different that takes you outside your comfort zone and get you involved in helping others . This way you will overcome any social anxiety over time.

Do have a word with your Doctor as will.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

[Le Renard]

Hi Sattuma and welcome to Depression forums,

I used to have the same problem as yours when I was a teenage: I was so afraid of losing my best friends that I arranged things so that we had a quarrel and then I was able to leave them before they left me. I thought that suffering from their loss would be easier if I left them first. But doing that, I quickly got lonely. I thought that to take the risk to disappoint them or to let them go away from me would be worse than anything else. It was a kind of self-defense. I was exactly your age. Have you ever seen the movie The Fabulous Destiny Of Amelie Poulain? There is an old man whose bones are so fragile that he can hardly go out from his appartment because he's afraid of breaking one of his bones inadvertently. He says to Amelie something like: "You can bang into life, you can have bruises and bumps but it doesn't matter! You are strong enough to bang into life: you will fall lots of times and get up each time because you are not as fragile as you may think."

Sattuma, you will come of age in August: I think you can think about seeing a professional now. This doctor could help you to talk about your problems (to put words on them), to diagnose them and to cure them. Getting better requires a lot of patience and it could be good for you to be helped right now. It would give you time to recover. Perhaps you could ask your parents to help you to find a doctor if you get on well with them. Or at least, if you are in high school, you could go and speak with the nurse of your school if it's possible.

We do care about your problems here. Don't get discouraged, Sattuma. There is always a solution to any problems. You can talk with us whenever you feel like.

Take care.

Edited by Le Renard, 17 March 2012 - 03:56 PM.

[Sattuma]

Thank you very much guys! :) I don't know, I'm so scared to talk to people about my life and problems and I think people have more problems than me. I'm student in vocational school and we have nurse there. I have thinked about going to talk to her and now you gave me courage to maybe do that. Take care you too and thank you very much you two were so helpful.

[againandagain]

any start is a good start.