Maybe I'll Just Sit In The Dark And Eat An Entire Cheesecake
Posted 26 February 2012 - 10:18 PM
I've made my way over from the OCD sub-forum...I guess I'm not officially depressed, but I'm certainly not emotionally well right now and I take antidepressants, so I can be part of your club, right? It's been a rough day...week...month, actually, I think. All sorts of things, big and small, have piled up on me and I don't know what to with all this except maybe crawl into my bed and stay there until I'm physically dragged out.
Let's start with work. I'm working as a lab tech for a year before I move away for grad school, and it's pretty much my dream job. My boss is amazing and I work really independently, since I'm the only person doing any benchwork in the lab. No one expects research to always go swimmingly, but in the past few weeks it's like I can't do anything right. Of the giant list she left me before going on holiday two weeks ago, I've accomplished one small task and utterly failed at all the others. Come to think of it, I'm actually further behind on some of the projects than I was when she left. Huh. There doesn't seem to be much point in going in to work each day, it just gives me more opportunity to screw things up. Like I said, I've been blessed with the best possible job for me, and I'm still crying myself to sleep over it. If I can't be happy with my dream job, what does that mean for the rest of my life?
The rest of my life, let's see, that would be graduate school, to which I was just accepted this week. Super exciting, right? Everyone else is excited. Instead I just have this doubt-monster digging away in the pit of my stomach, what if this is the wrong choice, what if I do terribly? How am I going to manage all the stress of graduate school without going all-out crazy and getting myself commited to a psych ward? Most people say things like that as a joke, but honestly I get so scared that I'm going to hurt myself somehow, I don't want to but OCD puts these thoughts in my head and there's nowhere to escape from them.
I have all sorts of really wonderful people in my life. My parents and brother are super supportive and proud of me, I have friends that really care about me and a wonderful boyfriend. They all think I'm great, but I really think that's just poor judgement on their part...if they were really paying attention they'd see how badly and how consitently I'm failing all of them. I never thought I'd fall in love with anyone, but eight months ago I started dating someone who is just good in every way, who cares about me (and other people) so much, and is brilliant and musical and a great dancer besides. I feel selfish for claiming him. I should really let him go so he can be with someone who deserves him.
So, in essense, I am a terrible scientist, terrible daughter/sister/girlfiend/friend, terrible Christian (I'm not going to go into it, but just take my word for it) and all around drain upon the world. That seems a bit dramatic, but screw it, that's how I feel.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, where things are going to go one of two (possibly three) ways:
1. I tell him honestly that I'm not doing great and accept his prescriptions for ever more drugs, since he firmly believes in throwing drugs at the problem until it goes away.
2. Tell him things are going okay and continue as normal.
3. Tell him that I give up, I don't want to take these awful tri-cyclics that make me dizzy and clearly have not fixed the craziness and make me feel like a huge failure just for taking them.
4. (Bonus!) Skip my appointment, wean myself off of the drugs, and...well, I don't know what would happen after that. Probably nothing good. I'm not taking this route, but I would like to acknowledge it as an option.
There. That's all I have to say. I'm teetering between crawling into my bed and crying until I fall asleep, or having a go at the cheesecake mentioned in the post title. Neither of those options can truly be considered healthy.
Thank you for reading this. I'm honestly impressed that you made it all the way through, so props to you.
Posted 26 February 2012 - 10:28 PM
Hang in there buddy, I would recommend eating the cheesecake. I took tri-cyclics too, they are old school medication. Zoloft has worked much better for me and less side effects. I would def recommend that you go your appointment and discuss all the options. Things will get better, I promise.
Posted 27 February 2012 - 03:50 AM
Regarding your job....I felt that way many times, like I took one step forward and two back....what kind of progress, felt like none, but remembering that science requires a process of elimination and things do not always go as planned....So, just chalk all that up to science and start over.
Regarding relationships....even if you don't believe it please know that you do deserve to be happy and to have that wonderful boy friend. Tell yourself, I am bright, funny, cute and I deserve a wonderful boyfriend. Say it even if you don't believe it right now. I often wonder myself what my husband saw and sees in me but even today he told me he loves me no matter what. What a blessing.
Oh, and if you want a laugh but also a bit of truth get your hands on a move called: "Stewart Smalley saves his family." There is a scene where his sister calls him and says that their other brother accidentally shot their father, not killed but shot in a hunting accident. Stewart tells her this, paraphrasing: "I don't normally recommend this but how fast can you get to a pound cake." I often think about this and realize that we find ways to comfort ourselves...sometimes we need to eat pound cake or cheese cake.....
Look forward to hearing more from you....Just remember you are not alone.
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
"...there is no beginning or end with mental illness, just one big middle. Sometimes that thought bums me out, but other times it takes the pressure off trying to get cured."
BenLP, friend on the DepressionForum :D
Post and let go...DreamAgain
Posted 28 February 2012 - 12:13 AM
Things went okay for me today. I don't know if Dr. G could tell what I'd been thinking, or if he's recently had another patient who went off their meds and couldn't go back, but that's what we talked about. I've been kind of upset lately about the idea of being on meds forever (yeah, I know, it's like a diabetic and their insulin, I really do know that, but still...) and having these thoughts that maybe I should stop for a while, just to see if I can, just to prove that I can hold myself together without help. But often if a person does that and then restarts the same med, they don't get the same effect as before, and they're stuck worse off, while having the pain of remembering what it was like when things were working. That would be heartbreaking, and I remember reading about the same problem before. I definitely do find life to be better since I started clomipramine, even though there are slumps like the one I'm in. So I'm going to keep taking it, and I'm going to focus on using the things I learned in therapy to control the OCD as well as I can.
As for everything else in life, I will get through it and things will get better.
Oh, and I only ate one (quite large) slice of cheesecake last night
- govinda likes this
Posted 28 February 2012 - 12:47 PM
Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:25 PM
Essence does not fail or fade, diminish, or trade reality for illusion.
We are wordless, wide and wise beyond time. Within us is a flame of truth that never dies. Let that be the focal point of life. Let that be the light aht guides us from the shadows.- Danna Faulds
Posted 21 March 2012 - 11:12 AM
Anyone else besides me love the Cheesecake Factory?
Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:27 PM
I'm also glad you're realizing that the meds do help. It took me many years of going off and on meds before I fully accepted that I need them. I don't want to return to the hell that is life without them anymore. Each of us has to get to that point though. Using your other tools learned in therapy will help.
This was a really good post to read. Thank you for sharing!
The world is way too loud...
Current meds: Effexor XR 300 mg, Abilify 20 mg, Wellbutrin XL 300 mg, Buspar 30 mg (10/10/10), and 100 mg of my beloved Lamictal
Posted 21 March 2012 - 09:58 PM
Hey, its sounds like you have a lot of new things happening all at the same time, new bf, just got accepted to grad school, new responsibilities at work. That is a lot of pressure all at once and I certainly have had experiences like that in the past where I was just so overwhelmed and felt like nothing was going right or moving forward. I hope things get better for you, maybe don't go into work, take the day off, go for a walk or something that is not related to any of the ocd stressors that are getting to you.
Posted 23 March 2012 - 12:15 AM
I've been reading back through my journal, and I think that's given me a clearer picture of the good that meds have done for me - and yes, there are definitely benefits. There's still things that I struggle with (obviously) and while they can make life really hard, but the onslaught of thoughts and compulsions is nowhere near where it used to be. It's been less than a year since I started them, and to go off would be a really stupid, not to mention irresponsible, decision.
This time of year is about when things always seem to go sideways for me, I'm not sure why, so I'm not terribly surprised that I snapped a little. I'm doing much better now! Last Wednesday the frustration at work reached its peak and I went on a bit of a rant and ended up throwing a toy octopus across the lab , after which my labmate, boyfriend and a few other friends decided that I needed to take the afternoon off. We went out for pie to celebrate Pi day (March 14 = 3.14!). There's a place not far from the university that has the most amazing desserts, including chocolate chunk cheesecake.
I'm grateful to have people who I can rant to, in real life and online (and grateful that toy octopuses* are not particularly destructive)! Thank you all for your support!
* Yes, octopuses. The root word is Greek, not Latin, so octopi is incorrect! I am full of fun facts like this, just try me
Posted 23 March 2012 - 12:31 AM
It's been fun to read this thread. :)
The only thing I've got to say is that whatever a doc's specialty, that's what they focus on. Surgeons want to do surgery, Psychiatrists want to prescribe meds, psychologists want to do talk therapy. Sometimes it might take a combo or a second opinion---in the case of surgeries especially. Be kind to yourself with everything you have going on, even good stress can be overwhelming sometimes.
Best wishes to everyone.
Posted 23 March 2012 - 02:38 AM
Cheesecake is the bomb. That's all I really have to say. Just wanted to get in on the cheesecake bandwagon.
Ditto, me too :)
True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.
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