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[gemstar]

Hi everyone, I'm back after a few months hiatus. I've been living life offline, focusing or recovery and making progress.

It's a slow progress, and it's frustrating me. This is a venting, I guess, so I hope you don't mind?

So, I've been off work since June 2011 with a variety of mental health issues, Depression, G.A.D., PTSD, Psychosis... now add Seasonal Affective Disorder to that! Ya. My p-doc diagnosed me in January with SAD. *sigh* I do live in a Northern climate where sunlight in the winter is minimal. I'm not surprised that she diagnosed me with that. I've wondered for years if I had it, it's just this year seemed to be the worst ever.

So, my p-doc prescribes a sunlight lamp for me. But, I have to come up with $250 to pay for it. I do not have $250. I can't even pay all my bills right now because my LTD doesn't pay enough. When I was able to work I made more money. It's a godsend to have the LTD, but there is nothing left after living expenses and bills. I can't buy the darn lamp!! So, whenever it is sunny, I sit in the light in my living room. It does help, but it seems that if it's cloudy I feel worse. Today is cloudy, and snowing.

I'm just having a crappy time. I feel less depressed sometimes and I am able to feel productive in my own life, do some laundry, have a shower, actually cook something. But as soon as stress is added to the mix again I fall right back down! This month is really stressful. I've had to declare bankruptcy. I'm so unhappy about having to do it. I wish I didn't. Being sick really makes life more difficult and the banks don't really give two hoots. They just want the mortgage and loan money, they don't care if you are sick and struggling and can't afford more than just mac & cheese and hotdogs. So, that is a lot of stress added to my plate.

Keep in mind I am a single mom of a teenage daughter. That is stressful all on its own. I'm lucky, she is a wonderful person, but she's still a teen. The usual teen antics and testing of boundaries... it is soooo difficult sometimes to keep cool, to not allow my disabilities to have a negative effect on her. I am, luckily, doing a good job, somehow, someway... I suppose the job of mom is the MOST important thing I'll ever do in my life. I take that very seriously. So seriously that all my energy goes into it.

There are good and happy things happening as well, such as my mother's wedding coming up in August. I have found it very stressful to be asked to pick a dress for her ceremony, as I have been given about 40 choices. It's too much for me. I just want someone to pick the dress for me and I will wear it. I feel terrible about being stressed and getting more depressed and anxious because of this. I don't want my mom to feel bad for being excited and offering suggestions. I finally just picked a dress and told her the size and asked her to please not give me any more choices.

Thinking of losing my house and having to find a rental that accepts pets (I have 2 small dogs,2 cats) is so stressful, as well as thinking about packing my stuff and moving it.

Add to that my employers asking me to do training for my job to keep my professional credentials so that when I come back to work I will be ready. Excuse me? I am on LONG TERM DISABILITY here!??! Why are they asking me to do 'WORK'?? I told them no. They said if I don't, then I will have to requalify for my professional license when I am ready to come back to work. I was so angry with them. Why'd they have to tell me that? Why'd they even ask? Why don't they know that any such requests and information is going to freak me out? Gah!... Why do people have to be so ignorant about mental illness? Then my boss says, "One step at a time, we'll deal with everything when you are back." Ya... why didn't you think of that before you asked me to do the training, and then tell me it's going to cost me $250 to reapply and requalify, as well as me having to take the courses? Jee, thanks.

So, ya. I thought I was going to be able to work by now. It's been almost 9 months I've been off work. But, it's so clear to me that I'm not ready for work. When I went to see the Bankruptcy lawyer to sign the documentation, he was telling me all the rules and things I have to do to comply. Everything he said became a jumbled mess in my head, and I couldn't remember clearly any one thing he said! I told him I get easily confused lately, and so he had another lady print up the information for me so I could take it home and have it with me to read and look at again and again. I can't work in my professional career with these issues! My PTSD is constantly reminding me about my sexual abuse, assaults, and rapes, and it isn't getting better, it is getting worse. Yes, I am in therapy. My therapist told me these are signs I am making progress. Well, things get worse before they get better? I really want to make it through these times. It's very hard, and I hate it very much. Yes, HATE IT. Hate's a strong word, but what other word can I use that aptly expresses my feelings about my mental health issues? Hate pretty much sums it up. I hate the sickness. I DON'T hate myself, though.

Well, this is a book. I know it's hard to read such long posts. I hope someone dose, and can tell me that it will be okay eventually. Eventually I won't have to feel the PTSD, the anxiety, the depressive symptoms, the SAD. Someone please tell me that the world understands, that they know I'm ill, that these things aren't choices I'm making, they are just things I'm going through.

One last thing: It's hard for me to tell those who have the power over my income and future (p-doc, therapist, bosses, LTD company people) that I feel l'll not be able to work again, that I am so frustrated, that I just want to be left alone to get through this and not be bothered by my employers, that I need to be off work, that I need reassurances that I am understood, that I will be able to be productive one day again in the future... I don't know why it's so hard to stand up for myself. I think it's a symptom of everything I have. I am so passive. I need to stand up for myself, but even that is stressful... it's stressful just to advocate for myself. Why should I even have to? You'd think people would understand!

- gem

[starr]

Hi,

Im sorry for what you are going through. My depression is
currently under control due to my combo of meds but there
was a time in my life that I was practically useless. The thought
of working terrified me because I always worried if people
would notice and what they would think. I know I care way
too much what others think but I also think the low self-esteem
goes along with the depression. Fortunately for me I have
been able to work for my husband who is self-employed so
there is little stress but I cant help but wonder if I could hold
down a job elsewhere. Even though I am feeling great right
now, I still have some doubts in the back of my mind about
how I would feel if stress entered the picture. People who have
never had depression just dont understand - that's why I am
so glad there is this forum. I know that a lot of states have
support groups too which has been a big help to me in the
past. That way you can get out some with people who totally
understand and accept you because they experienced the
same thing.

I dont know if you are on meds or not but they have been a
lifesaver for me. My current combo is zoloft,abilify and neurontin.
These meds have kept me feeling good for over 6 years now.

I just wanted to give you hope and let you know you are not
alone.

best wishes,
starr

[Nellyzen]

You are not alone in this Gemstar and yes, I know there is hope. I am living proof of that.

I have been trough a similar situation, was in bed for one year, terrified of going out, going to work...lost everything. Now I am back working and going to school full time.

Please do not lose hope, I know it is so hard and we do live in a D*** cruel and judgmental world. If you had a broken leg everyone would believe you, but nobody has any empathy for mental illness.

[MommyofPrecious]

Gemstar: I wish you didn't have so much stress right now. As dark as things seem to be, I have to believe that things will get better, that there is hope. I've just started working a new job, and the stress is enormous, and it's affecting me. I was just getting by when I worked 1 day a week, but now I'm busy all day, every day, and I feel myself coming a little unraveled. Of course, I don't get paid for all this work until then end od March, so it's nothing but granola and corn chips until then, so I feel some of your pain. So, while we don't all have the same challenges, we are a community who cares about each other, and are here for you.

Keep taking good care of your daughter, and try your best to take care of yourself. You've come this far, and I know you can make it all the way - just don't try to predict when or race to the finish. You are not alone.

Best, Mommy of Precious

[gemstar]

Hi starr, Nellyzen & MoP,

Thanks for all your support. I do have hope that things will get better.

starr, I do take med's. I'm on wellbutrin, seroquel, and cipralex. They do help, I am not nearly as bad as I was when I first found DF. I'm frustrated because they don't solve all the problems. They don't get rid of PTSD or its symptoms. They can't change the amount of stress I have in life or make me any less financially insoluble. They can't dispell the stigma I receive for being mentally ill. But, thank God for friends found here at DF!

I second what you said, Nellyzen, about people not getting mental illness. I had someone today tell me, when I mentioned how stressed I am because people expect me to be better by now, "Nobody knows how you feel. Stop thinking so much. Think happy thoughts." I thanked the person, because I know she means well, but it's the misunderstanding in the statement itself. I would stop 'thinking so much' if I could, and I definitely would prefer to 'think happy thoughts' if my darned illness didn't make things otherwise. I'm always struggling against the negative tide swooshing from my brain! Sometimes you just get tired. Sometimes you just want to ride the raft a little ways. Venting helps take off the pressure sometimes, eh? :)

MoP, you are and always have been so supportive whenever you've answered any of my posts. Thanks so much. I am so grateful that there is the DF community. Thank you for being a light.

I'm grateful for all of you! Many blessings,
- gem

[Nellyzen]

I gave up a long time ago trying to explain to normal people what is going on in my head. They can't get it and that's fine with me, I remember how I felt about these things when I was normal. I didn't judge but I could not have imagined it is so painful.

I just tell my therapist how I feel and that's about it. And here, of course.

[DreamAgain]

I gave up a long time ago trying to explain to normal people what is going on in my head. They can't get it and that's fine with me, I remember how I felt about these things when I was normal. I didn't judge but I could not have imagined it is so painful.

I just tell my therapist how I feel and that's about it. And here, of course.

I agree....most people do not understand. They often think we are being lazy if we don't just snap out of it and do something. Sorry, I can't just snap out of it. People are so judgmental. Why don't they just mind their own business. I tell my therapist and he always makes me feel better...then the real world hits. However, last night I was having a crisis...again about anxiety about my GP...and one of the exercises to think about 5 things int he room....listen to 5 sounds,e tc. It did snap me out of it......

\

[gemstar]

Ya, you guys, my therapist talks of 'the world out there' and 'the world in here' when we have a session. He knows there are two different realities: the one I live and the rest of society. ((hugs)) He says anytime I feel the negativity rising to not fight against it, to accept it, to make room for it, and allow it to dissipate in it's own time. NOT easy to do!! He reminds me every single session, because I forget, or have failed to do it. It goes against human nature, I think. But, I guess this is why we evolved frontal lobes, eh? :)

Thanks to you wonderful people. We can all get through this together. I can tell!

[Bdh25]

Hey gemstar, a good psychiatrist is just like a good friend who listens and understands you. Not all psychiatrists are right for you, shop around. If you had another illness or injury different docs would treat you different ways, right? It sounds like your psychiatrist might not be right for you, just the way it sounds. Good luck with your search

[Nellyzen]

I personally have distanced myself from all my friends because none of them get what I'm going through and all they can think about is parties and fun and I'm sick of explaining myself all the time why I don't feel like going.

I keep myself busy with work and school, I play video games, I talk to you guys...that's about it. I would rather be by myself than with people who have no clue nor care what is happening to me. And judge me on top of it all.

[gemstar]

Bdh25, hello friend. Thanks for your advice. I do wonder if I shouldn't get another psychiatrist. She is nice enough, but sometimes I think she's not really paying close attention to me. However, she is really knowledgeable and good at what she does. She's spot on so far. She isn't my counselor. She just listens and prescribes. I have a therapist. He's my buddy, you know, he listens and helps me sort things out.

Hi Nellyzen, I get what you are saying. I don't know your age, but if my friends always wanted to party and stuff I wouldn't want to hang out with them, either. I'm older, and my friends like to do things like go for coffee and to art galleries, watch live folk music at the local cafe or spend a few hours cheering on the local roller girls. We go to poetry readings and talks, book openings, and antique shows. LOL... definitely not party types. It's all really wholesome stuff. It wasn't always like this, though. There was a time when my friends and I liked to party until dawn, sleep and get up and do it all again. That being said, we'd never have abandoned each other. We may have partied, but we were also non-judgmental and cared for each other. I'm so sorry your friends aren't supportive of you. ((hugs)) I'm a lot older now, and to be honest, the things I do with friends are much more enjoyable and healthy than when I was younger. If you don't want to party, then for sure be true to yourself and don't.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be around people who judge you. I just don't understand how some people can be so ignorant *shaking head*

((hugs))

[DreamAgain]

Ya, you guys, my therapist talks of 'the world out there' and 'the world in here' when we have a session. He knows there are two different realities: the one I live and the rest of society. ((hugs)) He says anytime I feel the negativity rising to not fight against it, to accept it, to make room for it, and allow it to dissipate in it's own time. NOT easy to do!! He reminds me every single session, because I forget, or have failed to do it. It goes against human nature, I think. But, I guess this is why we evolved frontal lobes, eh? :)

Thanks to you wonderful people. We can all get through this together. I can tell!

It's true about there being a world out there and a world with our therapists and in this forum as well. The outside world is unforgiving and I often do not want to deal with it. My husband and I talk about these things and I share some of the stuff with him from this web. He likes my therapist and the positive energy and suggestions that I get from him.

Today I tried to explain how when we met I mentioned that sometimes I get depressed but I didn't go into detail because I didn't want to scare him away. I did tell him that at one point I didn't want to live anymore but that I was able to get over that and that I want to live now. He said everything is ok, that he loves me no matter what. I don't know how I got this man...because even when I am anti-social, he is anti-social with me....although sometimes he tries to push me to socialize more. I will try harder for him. I think sometimes we need a reason to go outside our comfort zone.