Jump to content

Advertisement
  • No one should be alone in this. We can help.
If you - or someone you know - are having thoughts about suicide, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are connected to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.                                                                            If you - or someone you know - are having thoughts about suicide, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are connected to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
Photo

I Can't Deal With This Depression Anymore

depression ptsd self injury

  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 knope23

knope23

    Newbie

  • Newbie
  • Pip
  • 41 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:USA

Posted 31 January 2012 - 12:21 PM

hi everyone im 36yrs old and have been suffering from depression since childhood. since my early 20's i have tried different ad's for my depression (effexor, paxil, prozac, zoloft, mirtazapine and wellbutrin). all of these kinda worked in the begining but quickly stopped and i was left feeling like a zombie and not giving a s**t about anything while on them. last june i made the decision to get off them permanately. i honestly feel that they have done more damage than good. my memory is completely ******. it's become harder for me to process things. it's extremely difficult for me to concentrate. i love to read but it's discouraging when you have to read a paragraph over and over in order to comprehend. i know that depression causes these symptoms but i truly believe that im also dealing with the long term side effects from these meds. in 2008 i had a major depressive breakdown that i don't think i come back from. i'm so tired of living with this i don't know what to do anymore. i started seeing a therapist in september and was diagnosed with ptsd from childhood abuse. going to therapy has been extremely difficult for me and i've returned to self injury. i guess i'm on here because i want to talk to people that understand what i'm going through. the realization of living with this for the rest of my life is something i cannot accept.

knope23
  • absent and Acireecit like this

#2 lindahurt

lindahurt

    Platinum Member

  • Platinum Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,474 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:USA

Posted 31 January 2012 - 12:32 PM

Suffering with depression and other mental illnesses can take a toll on you sometimes. There are so many types of treatments other than meds like ECT and I hope you eventally find some effective ways of coping. I find its best to focus on doing my best to manage my illness as best I can each day, as I know my illnesses are for life.

I suffer with PTSD as well and its not easy dealing with those issues, but for me a lot of healing and learning to love myself have taken place because of therapy. I do wish you the best and hope it gets better for you.

We are glad to have you on board. You find many can relate and I hope you meet some of them. Make yourself comfortable and we look to hear more from you.

Lindahurt
Even in the most horrific of situations, one's attitude has an enormous role in shaping what happens ~ Viktor Frankl
In you lies the power to choose, to commit - Stephen Convey

 
The kind of person you want to become is greatly influence by your inner decisions, and not from outside influence alone. We can even under adverse circumstances, decide what shall become of us ~ Brian C. Stiller



Posted Image
 

#3 jimbow15

jimbow15

    Platinum Member

  • Platinum Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,241 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:UK and Ireland

Posted 31 January 2012 - 01:37 PM

Hi knope23 and :welcomeani: to DF,

I was sorry to hear about your long battle with depression and the poor results from the different medication you are on. The PTSD due to child abuse is also very difficult to deal with .

From my own personal viewpoint, I feel that you may have never been on an effective level of ADs , and when they became ineffective your medication should have been reviewed , perhaps increased or changed so that you eventually got the right medication at the effective level (therapeutic level) for you.

Af for dealing with your PTSD a good therapist who has effective experience will be able to help you through this process within a reasonable time frame.

I do hope that you go and ask you Doctor for an effective level of your meds or a switch to another.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." Albert E.


Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#4 RicLacroix

RicLacroix

    Just Registered

  • Just Registered
  • 2 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Farmington Hills, Michigan

Posted 31 January 2012 - 03:21 PM

knope,

I can really relate to what you are talking about. I've been suffering with depression for awhile now and so far it's cost me my wife and kid and a pretty good job.
I too have experienced problems with my short term memory. To try to cope, I started leaving myself PostIt Notes in strategic places, for example; A note on the bathroom mirror to remind me to take my bedtime meds, or if I have an appointment the next day, I'll stick a reminder on the alarm clock. I even have a note taped to my front door on the inside reading "Did you remember your wallet and keys?"

Back in November of 2011, I was incarcerated (never mind why, suffice it to say that it was a misdemeanor) in a County jail and deprived of my psych meds, this caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown not once but twice, resulting in my being transferred to the County Psych Ward for 5 days of observation. So instead of being on the first tier of Hell, I ended up on the second tier of Hell for almost a week. I was able to improve (read fake) my behavior to the point where I was sent back to the original institution to finish out the last week of my 27 day sentence.
While incarcerated, I also lost 10lbs from giving away the food I didn't want, and had three delusional episodes where I was unable to tell the delusions from real life for a number of hours after they occurred, due to lack of sleep. Welcome to the third tier of Hell.
Once released, I ended up penniless and miles from home. I walked 3 miles to a main street, then begged a bus driver for a ride to get me within 2 miles of home, he obliged and then I walked the last two miles in the freezing and windy cold, wearing only a long sleeve T-Shirt and an insulated Hoodie. By the time I got home, I was not really walking as I was shuffling and stumbling along like some movie zombie. My apartment manager had to let me in, because the institution that I had been in had lost my keys. Luckily, I had spare keys inside.
I made myself a cup of coffee and a PB&J sandwich, collapsed into my favorite chair and lit up a cigarrette, then broke down a third time, this time for a good 30 minutes, instead of like the previous episodes, which lasted about 5 minutes each.

The breakdowns that I experienced were particularly disturbing to me, because they involved uncontrollable weeping, wailing no matter how hard I tried not to, facial contortions, uncontrollable trembling of my lower lip and chin, as well as a constriction of my throat that felt like someone was strangling me. This was the first time that I had wept in almost 40 years, so you can imagine how THAT felt to me!
After I pulled myself together and after I stumbled to the bathroom to take my meds, I looked at myself in the mirror (I looked horrible, BTW - exhausted, worn down, and OLD!), I stared at my reflection for a minute or two, just thinking about what I had gone through in the past month and how I never wanted to experience something like that again, the end of that day had felt like visiting the 4th tier of Hell and had nearly ended me up back in the "Hospital". As I was thinking to myself, I recall that a new thought came to me and it was this:
I had survived a horrible episode in my life that I was unlikely to experience again. I had made it through, though battered and nearly beaten, I had managed to keep it together long enough to get back to my sanctuary. Thinking about this also made me think of something else:
I now had proof that I could live through just about the worst that my depression had to offer. I now had proof that I was strong enough to keep on living, no matter how bad things got.

knope, I hope that my relating this to you, with constitutes a major opening up for me, as nobody else has heard what I was going through in this amount of detail, will be beneficial to you in that it demonstrates that, even when you think you've reached the end of your rope, you can still carry on and succeed in life. I found that, at least for me, there was almost always enough left inside of me to "get through to the other side" of despair.

Hang in there knope, you are not alone.
Rick :rock:
  • trustinginHimalone likes this

#5 trustinginHimalone

trustinginHimalone

    Member

  • Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 179 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Nashua, NH

Posted 31 January 2012 - 04:29 PM

Hi knope

I can sure identify with the lack of memory and mental processing power. Sometimes I am so out to lunch it is embarrassing. But don't lose hope, on this forum we are pretty much all like you, and we suffer right along with you, but we try to encourage each other when things get really bad.
... though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil.. Ps. 23

...call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.. Ps. 50

#6 knope23

knope23

    Newbie

  • Newbie
  • Pip
  • 41 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:USA

Posted 01 February 2012 - 11:47 AM

thanks guys for your replies. i really appreciate them. it's just really hard. i've always thought of my depression as a bully. ever since childhood it's just been pushing me and not letting up. and on the other side there is this wall. so all these years it's just been pushing me. before it was okay because the wall was so far away. but as i've gotten older, i'm just getting closer and closer to that wall....i can feel it. and i feel trapped. i just want this to leave me. i just want to be left alone. i just want peace and it hurts so much because it won't let me have it.
  • absent likes this

#7 trustinginHimalone

trustinginHimalone

    Member

  • Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 179 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Nashua, NH

Posted 02 February 2012 - 08:57 AM

Hi again- yes, depression is a bully. Actually, I have better words than that, but they would get me kicked off this forum! It's an invisible enemy, and it is relentless. Many times, I have imagined what I could do to that enemy if I had some way to strike back, and strangely, the anger makes me feel better.

And how do you go through the rest of your life in this condition? How do you contemplate years and decades, when just getting through the day seems impossible? Yes, all we want is peace, the chance to be calm.

some days, I have far more questions than answers
... though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil.. Ps. 23

...call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.. Ps. 50

#8 skrik

skrik

    Newbie

  • Newbie
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Gender:Male

Posted 11 February 2012 - 11:52 PM

Yeah, I'm pretty much in the same state of mind as you with this.. can't focus and do the s*** I want to do anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day to continue. It's hard for me to stay commited to this website, because first of all I don't have a good attention span; cant focus, and it's to the point where I hate positivity; nothing anyone ever says to me works so I just block what they say out of my mind.





Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: depression, ptsd, self injury

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users