Posted 29 December 2011 - 01:35 PM
I can't say that anything has really changed, I still feel just as numb and detached as ever. The emotions I experience are just horrible, and what is worse is that I realize they are not even MY emotions. Normal people feel an emotion as a rational reaction to something that's just happened in their life. I flip into a rage, a depression, a panic attack or whatever it might happen to be at the time for no reason at all and have to hide so no one sees it is happening. There is just a sudden flood of chemicals being released from my brain at a level of intensity you would not believe, so powerful that I have to lock myself in a room to avoid hurting someone or saying something I know I'll regret once I return to my senses. If this wasn't happening to me I wouldn't even believe it was possible. How the hell is it possible to experience severe, intense emotions so completely random in nature? My emotional mind knows I am feeling something and it is very, extremely real. Like being on a bad acid trip or something but I don't even do drugs. And yet my rational/logical mind sort of takes on the observer position and reminds me that it is not really me experiencing these things, yet it is my body and my mind and me who has to live through it. All I really want to know is WHY this is happening to me. I would like to think I am an intelligent enough person to come up with a solution if I could only find out why. Best guess right now is being treated like a lab rat by psychiatrists for 15+ years. God knows how many dozens of medications they put me on and took me off beginning at a time that I had just entered puberty. My family doctor got the brilliant idea to put my on Prozac and Tylenol 3 at age ten. Yes, I was severely depressed but it was because I was being abused at home and he knew it. Maybe if he had dealt with that instead of drugging me the depression would have been solved on its own. And if I hadn't been depressed and stressed out and seriously wanting to **** myself I wouldn't have had any headaches either. But that's just what doctors do, try to find the magic pill to solve it all rather than trying to solve the situation.