You have been through so much in the last few years and my heart goes out to you. Many people here on DF are struggling with relationship issues, money and health problems. In fact there was a guy a few months ago who posted a very similar situation to yours-- his wife left him, he went through a hellish divorce, and he is barely able to survive after support payments (his wife had no job and for some reason was not forced to find work although she was able-bodied) and not able to see his child as she was taken to another state. Anyway, he may still be around. Have you tried fathers' rights groups? I encourage you to stay in touch with your kids even if it's by letters, e-mail or phone. If you are paying support you should have the right to see your kids regularly but I know that's sometimes not how it works out.
I've dealt with serious financial issues in my life and had 15 years of surviving with no car, taking the bus to work, barely able to buy groceries, in a 420 square foot studio basement apartment along with my husband who has a moderate physical disability and for many years was unable to find a steady job (even part-time). We still have debts and scars from that time. I know it especially sucks when you have a decent job but are poorer than all your co-workers and associates. But things CAN get better - they did for us, eventually, and I hope they do for you
I did find support groups helped me over the years and I go to a depression group and sometimes EA (emotions anonymous). It can help to meet others who are living on a limited budget. Also I've volunteered for a few hours a week for various events and organizations which can be quite rewarding.
Best wishes. Hugs,
Thank you for your good words.
I did try a lot of things like seeing a psy, medications, forcing me to do some activities... It worked for a while but it was getting harder over time. Sometime I feel like I a big lazy guy and other times, I feel like I did all I could.
I've looked for associations in my community, but they all require a some fees to join, so I'm a bit stuck at that level. Part of me wants to do the right thing but another part is just "letting go".
I got tired of trying to be as I was before. Trust is a big issue for me right now. I have to say that I have a past that can explain quite easily this state of mind. If I would have made a movie from my life, people would call that science-fiction :).
I don't know why, but people around me are expecting that I should be all right now after a few months of "taking some rest". I'm grew tired of explaining and justifying my lack of interest or why I don't feel like it. So' I isolated my self over time so I would not hear the same comment over and over again: things will get better!
On a positive note, the fact that I had to stopped the medications due to financial issues did improved my awareness and my concentration. A few months ago, I was forgetting everything like what I was watching on tv, or why I was going outside... Me, I am able to organized my self at some level. It's not perfect, but I can handle more that I could under medications.
Maybe I saw the wrong psy, maybe I had the wrong medications, it's confusing... I never was a depressed person before, actually it was quite the opposite. Even in the worst time, I always had a way out or the strength to wait until it could go better.
This time, I could not, I drowned as there was too much at the same time.
My ex is on well fare, and not even trying to work even of the kids are at school. She finally met a guy, and got pregnant one month after... It was not an accident and was done on purpose as they had to go to a clinic to make it happen...
Last time I saw my kids, they were dirty, dressed with old clothes, their hair was a mess. But more importantly, they look sad and alone.
I try to keep a link with them but often, when I call, no one answers and my messages on the voice mail often disappears. Same goes with emails. Last time I was able to speak with them, I understood that the phone was on hands-free so she would hear what we were talking about.
I just cannot understand what happened to her. The woman I knew was the opposite of what she is right now. If I had cheated her, beaten her or whatever, I would understand her behavior. But that's not the case... I worked hard, took care of the kids and managed to keep the budget balanced. I don't know what I could have done more. I'm not saying that I was perfect, but I was an honest man doing his best.
And then she told me that it was over without much explanation... I tried to find some help, to understand her, to be patient... But as time was passing by, I realized that she never really loved me. Or day, as I was trying to reason her that we should try to figure out a solution, that it was just plain crazy to destroy our family without even trying something, she told me: if I'm not in love, I don't try... That's when I knew it was over for me. I then realized that she probably never loved m since she never tried. Whatever happened during our relationship, I would be the one figuring a solution.
I made a big mistake of founding a family with such a person. I realize that now and there's nothing I can do about it. What is done is none. For a while, I was able to keep some sort of family bound with my kids. We were seeing eachother every weekend, sometimes even during the week. It was not perfect, but we were finding a way to live "together".
Then she started interfering, I had to ask her permission to see the kids, whatever was said was twisted in a way that I would look bad, kids started to ask me about some stuff I never did. Over a few months, kids were angry with me, telling me that I was always telling lies about their mother. And I assure you, it was not the case. Even when I could have rant about her about what she was really doing, I always kept that for me. I've been thru my parents divorce, and I knew what it is when you're caught in the middle of the fight.
Anyway, other issues also came along, financial and medical. The pain in my left leg was unbearable at this time. I lost my job, lost my phone line, even lost the electricity in my home. I lived without electricity for 2-3 months, heating with candles as it was getting colder in autumn. I was eating once a day, sometimes skipping a day cause I was keeping the food of when the kids would come see me. Yes, she knew that I didn't have electricity or heating, but she sent them over anyway... And then I crashed, I mean totally. I had found another job, and one day, could not go to work... Same thing the next morning... A week later, I lost my mind and almost died.
I still don't know how I survived. The doctors were puzzled as they could not understand how I was still able to stand up the next morning. All I know, this was not my time. Don't worry, kids were never in any sort of danger nor anyone else.
At this point, I was brain dead. Spent a week in the hospital, and then I had to live with my sister and brother-in-law as I could not stay alone, even for avfew minutes. After a 2 months, I went back home. I knew I had no choice but to file for bankruptcy. It took all my energy, but I manage to handle that case all alone. In January, all was done. The home would be repossessed, the car also. I had to move quick as I had to find another place to live. In the span of two weeks I found small apartment, moved into it with only the bare minimum.
At least, on the financial level, things were settling down. to save more money, I moved to my home town where rents are cheaper than the big city. That meant that I could not see the kids as often as I wanted, but it was ensuring some way to have enough to eat. The problem that I did not see at that time is that my ex took advantage of that situation to prevent any relations between the kids and I.
I got some issues with the insurance company, as they would stop money income for any reasons like waiting on a medical report, asking for papers, etc... At some point, I had no income for more than two months. I was eating as less as possible, even relying on tomato soup to last the day. Finally, things resolved themselves, but they asked me to meet their psy, which decided I was fit to work after a 15 minutes interview.
I cried a lot that night... Since there was no way to rely on external help, the only solution was to rely only on me. I found a new job, and luckily, I can work from home. This would at least help as I could avoid more fees related to transportation and clothing. I do the best I can, but after the day is done, I have to go to bed as I am exhausted... I'm scared of crashing again... But this is all I can do for now.
As time goes by, I isolate my self more and more. I don't want to feel anything, no emotions. I feel like just a stupid machine, working until exhaustion, and keeping the bare minimum to pay my bills and some food.
Darn, I'm complaining so much, but I need to let go. I just need to say it out loud! My family did the best they could, and I don't want to annoy them anymore with my perpetual sadness. As for friends, they did not understand and moved on.
The pain is back in my leg, probably because of the season.. I'll have to use my cane again as I am having more difficulties to walk. My family does not know about this.
That's enough for today... I just complaining again, and I could go on for hours...