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My Life - Constant Bitterness, Regret And Despair! Where Now?

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#1 D Dinneen

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Posted 19 November 2011 - 11:11 PM

*I have been getting a formatting error when pasting text from word (see 2nd post below), causing spaces between certain words to be missed out - I also rather rushed this when posting and only just noticed the misspelling in the title ('regret' - regrettably, I can't correct it now!) please ignore the typos where present!*

Hi everyone. I'm looking for advice because I'm finding my life so hard to cope with. I feel that over the past 5 years things have simply gone from bad to worse, & – every choice I have made I regret. It's a vicious circle - constantly looking to the past has prevented me from moving forward and this has simply led to more mistakes and further regret. I need to escape but don't know how! Since I am new to this forum I will try and briefly sum up everything I am going through ...

Since I was 15 I have suffered from severe social and general anxiety, health problems including chronic fatigue, depression, addiction, regret, and other issues, and now at the age of 22 I feel I have nowhere else to turn, I simply don't understand how so many things can go wrong and how I can have gone from being such a happy child to experiencing the pain I now suffer daily.
I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was 5 and have always found socialising extemely difficult - I had one good friend of 18 years who I always could relate to, but he then decided that he didn't want to be friends anymore. I have always been ok academically, but anxiety, depression and being a perfectionist has always got in the way and ruined any progress.
I also have serious concerns about my health, believing there is quite possibly something wrong with my heart due to the fact that I can't exercise without extreme fatigue and constantly get a strange feeling in my neck and chest, which has worsened over the past 3 years. Despite many visits to doctors I have been unable to get a diagnosis and am told it is simply stress, yet they have never allowed me to get fully tested so I feel there is potentially more to it! I also am constantly sweating from the anxiety and feel faint the entire time, which prevents me getting anything done.
I spent two years resitting my A Levels, even though my initial grades weren'tthat bad anyway – it was just that anxiety got in the way of studying and I feltI should have done better, being an extreme perfectionist.
Now I'm finally at a decent university studying chemistry yet am extremely unhappy. I'm not socialising and finding it hard to get any work done. I feel that I've thrown away any potential friends I had at the start of term, andthis has made me yet more depressed because I waited so long to get here! Iwish I had simply gone to a different university two years ago and avoided all this pain!

Just under 3 years ago I entered the worst period of depression yet. My best friend had moved away to university and I was under alot of pressure from coursework and exams. As soon as my class was over I would walk over to the nearby woods and spend several hours crying and wishing to go back a few years and change my life. Then I would return home and lie in bed for the rest of the day until I fell asleep and begin the whole process again the next day. I was constantly contemplating suicide and believeI came pretty close. It was at this point I discovered how to make a tea from opium poppies (poppy tea), which grew all around where I lived. I was fascinatedby the fact that something that naturally grew all over the place could contain an illegal drug. The effects were instant and remarkable – it would completelyremove all my depression, making me feel better than I had felt at any point inyears, whilst providing a feeling of warmth, fuzziness and a release from allanxiety. It even removed the hypersensitivity that results from Aspergers Syndrome,and all of the fatigue and pain I was experiencing, lasting for up to 18 hours.At the time it seemed like a miracle, and I felt like a young child again. Whenwinter took the plants away I found a way to order them online. I was carefulto only keep my use to once a week and finally felt I could get all my workdone and complete college without hinderance. However, after three months Iexperienced a major blow – my best and oldest friend, who had now quit university,told me he never wanted to see me again, because of his own anxieties. Thisleft me devastated (even that's an understatement) – I felt like I had beenpunched in the stomach, was physically sick and couldn't sleep for 2 nights ina row (this friend also had aspergers and was the only person I could ever trulyrelate to, we shared a lot in common and I had known him since I was 3). Afterthis my work once again suffered and I began using the tea daily to escape mymisery. I completed college with reasonable grades, but did not get into myfirst choice of university, and I was now physically addicted to the tea,severe withdrawal resulting from attempting to stop. I also knew if I stopped itthe suicidal depression and anxiety would simply return (this was despite thefact that I had now gained a tolerance to the drug and barely got any of thepositive effects even with a high dose).
3 years on and I am still addicted, ordering large quantities of pods andhaving to down large quantities of this sickly brew just to avoid getting sick. Despite getting barely any effects from the tea now, I cannot stop it – the withdrawalis terrifying, causing severe anxiety, days without sleep, vomiting, cramps allover the body, and causing me to throw myself around the room for hours on endin an attempt to ease the agony. With my health concerns I fear attempting to gothrough this will actually **** me!

So now I am in this state and in my first year at university.The addiction has prevented me socialising and I am struggling with work. I wassupposed to begin last year but because of a simple mix up over handing in aform late they made me defer for a further year – this simply allowed myaddiction to spiral out of control, and the regret I feel over missing a yearbecause of one little form doesn't bear thinking about! I am constantlycontemplating suicide, feeling I have let my parents and myself down, andwishing I had just gone to a different, but lower rated university 2 years ago,where I could have been happier and sorted things out. Every single choice Ihave made has been a mistake and I feel it's too late to go back. I'm 22 andsome of the others in my class are only 17! I feel too old to be where I am anddon't know where to turn- if I drop out now I will have no more options andwill let down my family for good…

What can I do? I feel so much contant bitterness and regret,and that I have made too many mistakes to go back and simply wish I wasn'twhere I was! How can I ever recover from this? I apologise for the length ofthis post, but feel I have to say as much as I can – this is just a summary - Ihave quite a few more problems but will leave these out for now!

#2 D Dinneen

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Posted 19 November 2011 - 11:22 PM

I apologise if the above post was rather rushed and poorly typed!

Edited by D Dinneen, 19 November 2011 - 11:40 PM.

#3 fragile_and_strong



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Posted 20 November 2011 - 03:34 PM

Hey D - read your post and wanted to say hi. It's really great that you've come on here and shared your story - I've not been on this site for long myself, but have found so many friendly, warm and supporting people here.

You don't mention whether you have spoken to anyone about the things going on in your life? If not, could you consider speaking to someone at uni? I'm in the UK too and most of the uni's here have their own confidential counselling support services, which could provide you with some extra help and a chance to talk through what has been happening? I only recently managed to face seeing a therapist myself, so know how difficult it is, but it's really giving me an opportunity to explore the problems in my life - it certainly isn't a magic fix, but it's a start. Alternatively, a NHS doctor would also be able to discuss options with you - contrary to what the Daily Mail says, there are some good ones out there who will be able to offer help.

As for the problems you talk about with the tea - I have never experienced that sort of addiction, so I won't pretent to know what you are going through, but I think there is a special forum on here for those sort of issues?

One thing I do know, for what it is worth (which may not be a lot), it's sometimes really hard to not focus on things that have gone wrong, or things we wished we could have done differently (I have spent years doing exactly that), but you clearly have a lot of amazing things going right in your life. You are at a good university studying chemistry - this is an amazing achievement, and you have got there through a lot of hard work and success. It may have taken you longer to complete your A-Levels, but you did it - and obviously did really well, as chemistry isn't the kind of uni course you can walk onto! In times when you feel helpless, remember those achievements - nobody can ever take those away from you.

#4 TryingToFindTheAnswer



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Posted 20 November 2011 - 08:52 PM

Hello D Dinneen. Welcome aboard :)

First I want to say that there are many many people who experience severe depression so you're not alone in your pain. I think I can relate to you. I have bad social anxiety and don't really have much to talk about with other people. I smoked urn from 16 years old till I was 29 years old. I quit about nine months ago. Smoking urn was an escape for me. Something to look forward to. However, it eventually stopped giving me the desired effects and in fact started making my depression much worse. Drugs will only make your misery worse.

My advice to you would be to accept yourself the way you are. Quit seeing yourself as flawed. You're not flawed anymore than anyone else. You have a weakness with socializing but this is because your strengths are elsewhere. It's a trade off. It's what makes you you. Love yourself for who you are. Quit thinking there's something wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. Embrace your weaknesses and know that your weaknesses allow you to be strong in other ways.

I'm sorry that your friend abandoned you. It sounds like he is the one with the problem. Not everyone is like that. There are truly good people out there. Go out and find them.

#5 AquaViolet


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Posted 28 November 2011 - 10:08 AM

You are not alone in feeling depressed. This is a wonderful community where people will support you.
In my opinion, you need to go to treatment to get rid of your addiction. I'm not a doctor, but maybe an antidepressant medication could really help you. Talk with your doctor.
There IS light at the end of the tunnel. There is treatment available that can help you.
Take care.

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My Diagnoses: Severe OCD, panic disorder, depression
My Current meds: Geodon, Cymbalta, Klonopin, Lyrica 

My Previous meds:
Prozac, Paxil, Celexa,
Lexapro, Luvox, Zoloft, Clomipramine (a horrible med for me),
Xanax, Seroquel, Zyprexa, Risperdal,
Gabapentin (this med did nothing), Buspar (also did nothing)

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