What Are You Supposed To Do When You Don't Want To Live Anymore But Are Afraid To Commit Suicide?
Posted 07 July 2011 - 01:40 PM
I am 30 years old. I have struggled with serious depression for most of my adult life. The last 5 years have been awful. I've tried 5 different antidepressants (I'm currently on 300mg bupropion and 100mg amitryptiline; previously tried citalopram, fluoxetine, imipramine). I see a psychologist and psychiatrist regularly. I've made major lifestyle changes (exercise, healthy diet, sleep). I feel like I've done everything I can but nothing has made the depression go away. I am terrified that this is the best I will ever feel. I love my fiance but am a burden on him, especially since I've had no interest in sex for 4 years. He is losing patience with me and I'm afraid that, even if we stay together, I won't be able to be a good wife or mother and he will eventually leave me or have affairs. I don't want to feel like this anymore and have no hope that, given everything I've already tried, my depression will ever improve. What am I supposed to do when I don't want to live anymore but am afraid to commit suicide?
Posted 07 July 2011 - 01:59 PM
I am sorry to hear about your current situation. It is very easy to be pessimistic when therapy, medication, and behavior changes are proving ineffective. It can be extremely frustrating and overwhelming; your feelings are natural. You seem to be willing to take all necessary steps to reclaim your life, which is great. As long as you continue to keep in close contact with your doctor and psychologist, I'm sure you will find a combination of medications that helps you. It took quite a while for me to find an effective medication combination. I struggled with distinguishing between what I expected from medication, and what its realistic capabilities were. I spent months thinking that I was destined to be depressed, and that nothing would help; I tried everything, yet I still lacked interest in daily activities, my mood was low majority of the time, and I just felt like I was living a shell of a life. I have been on Cymbalta for quite a while, and it helped a little, but did not lift my depression. A few months ago, I added Seroquel XR, a mood stabilizer, and it was the best decision I have ever made. I simply feel "good", and I couldn't ask for more. Despite my pessimism, I continued to explain my symptoms to my doctor, and we were finally able to find an effective treatment. Stay strong and remain hopeful, because I'm sure there is a medication out there just for you. You are the one suffering, so be upfront with your doctor; tell him or her about all of your symptoms and concerns, and make your desperation known.
I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.
realize what you have, and all you could lose
Posted 07 July 2011 - 02:14 PM
Suicide is never the answer as you may already know but I really understand how you feel. I have been suicidal many times and entered inpatient treatment because I have love ones that mean the world to me and I knew they would devastated, especially my mother if something like that happen to me. I don't ever want cause that kind of pain. So I decided I would fight to live even if the reason wasn't because I wanted to. I am glad I made that choice. I have more than one diagnosis which complicated things even more but have managed to hold on until my medical team found a combo of meds that allow me to live life as best I can. I still have fluctuations in mood but not to the point where it has completely paralyzes me. I am glad I chose life over ending it and I really hope you will get relief from your depression soon. My heart goes out to you but I believe you will have brighter days.
You hang in there and keep working with your medical team until they find the right meds combo that will give you relief. The trial and error process can be a long difficult one but try to hold on. There are many more AD on the market. Also there may be the possibility that you are med resistant and may have to look for other alternative forms of treatment. Discuss this with your doctor and therapist. You might want to consider CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or DBT (dilectical behavior therapy) which your therapist should be familiar with. Please look in our Psy Ed 101 Room for more information on alternative methods of treatment.
Wishing you the best.
Edited by lindahurt, 07 July 2011 - 02:16 PM.
In you lies the power to choose, to commit - Stephen Convey
The kind of person you want to become is greatly influence by your inner decisions, and not from outside influence alone. We can even under adverse circumstances, decide what shall become of us ~ Brian C. Stiller
Posted 07 July 2011 - 02:16 PM
Poetic Prose-- I'm on seroquel too!!! I feel the same way you do about it. If it wasn't for it, I don't know where I would be right now. I still have my lows, but I think seroquel is the one that is "saving" my life. My pdoc thinks is the lithium, but I'm not so sure about that.
— Ernest Hemingway
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