I Love You So Much Mom.
Posted 27 May 2011 - 12:19 AM
My name is Joe and Just turned 20. this is important because for nine years of my life i have lived more than two hours away from my mother. Her and my father got a divorce when i was only 10 years old. I remember when they called us down the kitchen for a family meeting. My brother, sister, and I along with my father and mother began talking about what would happen with our family. They wanted us to choose who we wanted to live with. I remember me and my brother being devastated, my little sister was to young to understand. My brother and I choose to say with my Father while my sister goes with Mom. My mom says she thinks about that night every day of her life.
Now 10 years later the young girl who was too young to understand has a car and a boyfriend. the brother is in his third year of college and looking towards graduation. And all the while Mom is at home becoming very depressed. She is angry that she didn't get to see her kids go through middle school. Didn't get to all the small things, like pull them out of bed in the morning. Shes mad because she missed out on snow days and first kisses. Shes mad because she didn't get to be a mom when her two boys were being boys.
Now that mom lives 4 hours away from her boys, they don't get to see her as much as they would like. Or as much as she would like to see them. They come to see her on every major holiday and maybe one weekend a month. and because she missed out on so much she will never forgive herself for letting us go. she will always remember that one night as the night she lost her two little boys. To help cope with the pain and memories she turned to alcohol and then antidepressants and then both... together. Mom loves her boys very much, but is to guilty and ashamed that she didn't get to raise her boys that every time they come to town its very hard for her to cope with the pain of letting them go so many years ago. Recently it has gotten worse now that they have grown up and she realizes that they are not her little boys any more. That she will never be able to go back and re-live all those years that she missed. Now when mom gets drunk its hard for her to say " I love you" back to her kids, because she feels she doesn't deserve too after what she did. When mom is drinking she wont hug her kids back because of letting them go. When we come to visit her we will get two hours with our real mom a day. Then its straight to the pills and the booz. My mom is not the same when she drinks. My mom is rude, forgetful, disoriented, and very dull. When mom isn't drinking she is the best mom in the whole world. she makes the best breakfast and is the smartest, prettiest mom ever. And then she hits the bottle, and here we go again.
When I sit and think it is very difficult for me to think of a day where my mom wasn't mixing drink with pills. Even on my Birthday she had to get loaded to deal with the pain of knowing that her two little boys were not little boys any more.
Mom. it kills me to see you like this. It ******* kills me.
I miss breakfast mom.
Your forever loving little boy,
Thanks for reading everyone.
Posted 27 May 2011 - 04:20 AM
Thank you so much for sharing this. There is a lot of pain there.
Listen in deep silence. Be very still and open your mind.... Sink deep into the peace that waits for you beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights and sounds of this insane world. - A course of miracles.
True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.
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