Lately i've been going really crazy about my life and how I can never seem to get on track. I'll give some background information. My life was good when I was 14/15 years old in gr. 9/10. I used to talk to girls and have some self esteem and confidence. I did fairly well in school. I was a normal bright kid with motivation to succeed in life. My family situation wasn't the worst but it also wasn't the best. I often remember times where I would get yelled at by my mom who used to be very Biotchy at the time and this usually put me down. My dad always had high expectations of me so I always felt like I had to live up to those. When I turned 16 I started using illegal drugs and drinking once in a while. I wasn't doing as well in school but I was still doing pretty good. I was still very focused on school and succeeding and stuff like that. When I turned 17, I was in gr. 12 and was very lost and confused. I didn't know what I wanted to do in university. All throughout my high school career I never studied on a regular basis. I would usually study last minute for tests and stuff like that and get away with it for gr. 9 and 10 but in gr. 11 and 12 that didn't always work since the courses started to get tougher and required good study habits. I also started working part time when I was 17 in gr. 12 because I felt like I wanted money so I could have money for partying and stuff. This job definitely took away a lot of focus from school.
So basically, I did bad in gr. 12 because I made some bad decisions. I focused too much on partying and working when I should have been trying to get some direction in life... I figured a lot of people come back to high school for another year to upgrade some courses and stuff like that. This is exactly what I planned to do. I planned to come back to school for another year and just straighten things out and work hard this time and get some direction in my life.
However... A week before school started when I was 18, my uncle who lived with my family had died. He had done a combination of drugs and alcohol and died. I remember the exact morning. I came downstairs, I heard my mom scream in the basement (where my uncle lived) so I ran down to the basement quickly. My mom had instantly burst into tears. She went insane and couldn't stop crying. I never seen something so shocking in my life. I convinced myself everything is okay, I convinced myself my uncle is still alive. I tried to "wake him up" and push him and move him and do anything I could. I called an ambulance because I thought maybe hes just really sick and the paramedics can help him and take him to the hospital. I stayed optimistic. However when the ambulance came, the paramedic told me he had been dead for a few hours. As soon as I heard that exact phrase, I lost my mind. I felt like I went insane. I had never previously witnessed something so terrifying, traumatizing, and depressing. I instantly felt a strong hatred towards life, God, I felt life was unfair. Why did this happen to my uncle, and so on.
Because this happened, my life became very unmanageable. I stole the leftover drugs in my uncles room,and started taking them, often which caused me to steal money from my parents, and I would use that money for drugs and alcohol. I would skip classes, self medicate and get high. I even started doing harder drugs more often.
My life was a wreck... My life from 18 to 22 consisted of self medicating all day everyday, drinking most days of the week, stealing and getting pills from doctors, and doing various hard drugs on occasion. I've been to many doctors and gotten antidepressants, i've been in a psychiatric ward, and i've tried going to different schools but I always dropped out after 2 weeks or so because I couldn't handle it.
However, when I was 21 years old I started taking a certain antidepressant and my life was getting better. I was still doing drugs and drinking but I wasn't doing hard drugs or pills, and I was also working part time and doing VERY well in a privately-enrolled school to upgrade marks for university. It was definitely a big high for me, everything in life was going good. I did so well that I managed to get accepted into university for Biology. However, I got off the antidepressant for some reason, I honestly don't remember why I got off it.
I started going to university when I was 22 off the medication and still self medicating and drinking. I felt very insecure at school and full of fear and anxiety, I was also depressed. This caused me to drink and take drugs at school and because of that, I skipped lectures and had many problems in the family.
I started attending NA meetings and dropped out of university because I figured I had a drug problem. I am now 16 months clean and sober however, my life hasn't changed one bit. People in the program advised me to drop out to work on my recovery and stuff so I did. After a year clean I went back to university but STILL wasn't able to handle it. I try my best to practice the program but things still haven't changed.
Not only has my life not changed, but it seems like its gotten worse even though the drugs are gone. At the meetings i'm constantly told i'm powerless and this and that and people start use being powerless as an excuse to be passive in their lives. I keep being told I have no control over my life and God needs to take care of it. I am really going more insane because of these meetings. I plan to stop going.
I've tried meetings, exercising and eating right, prayer, talking to addicts/alcoholics and getting stuff off my chest, practicing the 12 steps, but my life is NO better. I've come to a conclusion that I may have some depression. A lot of people in the 12 step program tell you that you're not turning your worries over to God or you're not practicing the program if you tell them you aren't feeling good. I'm so sick of it.
I am going to try to go back on medication. During the time of my life when things were going really good, I was taking Cipralex. I want to feel at ease. I want to be free of obsession and compulsion. I want to start taking control of my life. I want to be able to sit still, and enjoy the moment without feeling like I need to drink, smoke, eat, etc. I want to stop looking at myself as an addict or alcoholic. I don't want to be spend my life either fighting drugs/alcohol or living in them. I don't want to label myself anymore. I want complete control of my life and actions without any sort of "powerless" cop-out. I want to be mentally healthy. I want back my sense of motivation and hope. I want my life back!
I've spent a lot of time in denial of my depression but I do believe I suffer from it, and I am willing to do what it takes to get better. I feel kind of guilty and shameful for having to take antidepressants and having depression but I feel I need to accept it and start getting real professional help rather than listening to people in 12 step meetings who give me their opinion rather than fact. Please pray that I get better and get my life on track. Thank you if you read this whole thing. Any comments or opinions are appreciated.
Edited by Sheepwoman, 22 March 2011 - 06:23 PM.