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I Feel Alone, But I Have So Many People Around Me...

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I am new to this forum...and I am semi-new to depression all together. I have had anxiety issues for years, but the depression is a new thing. It was set off by the death of my sister due to a car crash back in September. She was 18 months to the day younger than me...and my very best friend. We looked like twins...everyone thought we were. When she died my whole world came crashing down. On top of that, my parents are going through a divorce after 30 years, and I get put in the middle of it. They have been separated for 3 years and they are just dragging this process out. I had to "take care" of my mother after my sister passed away, I still live with her because I'm still scared to death she will pass out with a cigarette in her hand while drunk...she is also depressed, has been for years. Got it from her mom and she probably got it from hers. But anyway...after my sister died, I feel like I was left to care for my mom alone. She was zonked out on Xanex, and couldn't do anything for herself. While my siblings and my dad were off to grieve, I was there. I finally had to hide her medications. I have a 6 year old son. He took my sister's death very hard because they were very close. I am married but my husband is deployed to a very bad place, we have very limited conversation time and I don't want to waste it talking about what I am going through. I finally went to my doctor and I got put on meds to help with the depression and the insomnia that was taking place. I also have started seeing a therapist. I have a ton of family and friends that are behind me, encouraging me, and always wanting to hang out and be around me. A lot of times I just retreat to my room, but even when I am with them...I still feel so alone. I feel like everything that I am experiencing, all of my feelings and emotions about everything...I feel like the one and only person that I would talk to about all of this freely and openly...is dead and gone. I feel like even though i have a son, and a great husband, and other family and friends...they aren't what I want. I just want my sister back. The anxiety I get thinking that feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. And then I feel so guilty because I do have people that love me, and all I can think about it how I want her. I don't know if this is normal or not. I just know that I feel so very alone in all of this.

Sorry for writing a book...guess I needed to get it off my chest.

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Posted (edited)

I am new to this forum...and I am semi-new to depression all together. I have had anxiety issues for years, but the depression is a new thing. It was set off by the death of my sister due to a car crash back in September. She was 18 months to the day younger than me...and my very best friend. We looked like twins...everyone thought we were. When she died my whole world came crashing down. On top of that, my parents are going through a divorce after 30 years, and I get put in the middle of it. They have been separated for 3 years and they are just dragging this process out. I had to "take care" of my mother after my sister passed away, I still live with her because I'm still scared to death she will pass out with a cigarette in her hand while drunk...she is also depressed, has been for years. Got it from her mom and she probably got it from hers. But anyway...after my sister died, I feel like I was left to care for my mom alone. She was zonked out on Xanex, and couldn't do anything for herself. While my siblings and my dad were off to grieve, I was there. I finally had to hide her medications. I have a 6 year old son. He took my sister's death very hard because they were very close. I am married but my husband is deployed to a very bad place, we have very limited conversation time and I don't want to waste it talking about what I am going through. I finally went to my doctor and I got put on meds to help with the depression and the insomnia that was taking place. I also have started seeing a therapist. I have a ton of family and friends that are behind me, encouraging me, and always wanting to hang out and be around me. A lot of times I just retreat to my room, but even when I am with them...I still feel so alone. I feel like everything that I am experiencing, all of my feelings and emotions about everything...I feel like the one and only person that I would talk to about all of this freely and openly...is dead and gone. I feel like even though i have a son, and a great husband, and other family and friends...they aren't what I want. I just want my sister back. The anxiety I get thinking that feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. And then I feel so guilty because I do have people that love me, and all I can think about it how I want her. I don't know if this is normal or not. I just know that I feel so very alone in all of this.

Sorry for writing a book...guess I needed to get it off my chest.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm definitely not an expert,but it sounds like you're grieving the loss.Obvious,I know, but I was told the same thing by my pdoc. Grief & depression go hand in hand. She said to "flood" myself with pictures,thoughts of my loved one(mom) and cry as long and often as I needed. Apparently,this helps grief to pass as your brain eventually "gets tired" of the thoughts.

Writing a letter to her and telling her how you felt etc, is also a healthy thing to do.You are fortunate to have a large support group around you. talk to them about what's bothering you and lean on them for their strength.If you'd rather you can talk to us online and get your feelings out. Or you can pm me if you want. My thoughts are with you.

Edited by michelleinto

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Posted

Thank you michelle...my therapist told me the same thing...to surround myself with her. I do this, and I feel like I will never ever stop crying. I think I'm all cried out, but then it just comes flooding out. I know that it has only been a short amount of time, so I hope one day I can think of her or see her picture without crying. Thank you for the letter idea though. I never thought about that, I will do that!

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