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[Sardonyx]

I have this very poisonous combination of emotions ... its so intense its hard to articulate it...
I feel I'm pathetic - that my life is very joyless... I have been unemployed for number of years, mostly because I lack motivation to be involved in anything... there's a sense of being haunted by memories, by abstract feelings, the proximity of other people feels too close, too raw... so no education and no work for some years (I'm 27)... and then there the absence of the family, either by death or by their sense of helplessness to help me and the fact my grief threatens them greatly....

And when I turn inside, trying to find a sense of "privacy" , like doing some craft or sport or walking etc., I just feel pathetic, just it seems so pitiful, AND I also feel that I am "without" someone, friends or partner or family or whatever, I just feel I am without, I enter a social situation and feel a general "lacking"... I was in a situation, a silent retreat of meditation, very down to earth, all this was made terribly clear, my inability to participate and self-pity, but also at the end, I notice how people are awaken into the social life again, with conversations and smiles and phone-calls, while I remain in this dissociative misery, hating myself even more...


I'd love any response but I'm really looking for some words of wisdom , not clichés either, how to get out of this without suicide, because it's so convinving for me, and I am so used to it...

[Radclyffe Hall]

When you were little, did your main caregivers ever make you feel useless and inept? Because the feelings you are feeling, are not the feelings a supported and loved baby would feel as an adult.

You seem to be hitting yourself over the head very hard, being very tough on yourself. And that is usually behaviour we pick up as children even though we may block the reasons for it, out, later in life.

Anyway - that does not help you right now. I have lived a life of doing what you are doing - feeling socially so useless and being suicidal.

I had counselling for about 8 years, then went to see a psychiatrist as well. I mention these because they helped me. One always thinks that no one can help you. No one can, but they can point you in the right direction to help yourself.

My thought of suicide eventually disappeared, and I became a lot more sociable.

The last few weeks suicidal thoughts struck again, to the point where the pain was too big to carry on.

I called my psychiatrist, who suggested that I go off Wellbutrin, and onto Molipaxin, and, it actually calmed me down immediately - and now I am just getting better.

Perhaps you can do that too? I feel your pain.

[Ineptitude]

You're only 27, you aren't at some sort of impasse due to your age that limits your ability to transcend your past. It is a lot of work, and a lot of pulling yourself up by the boot straps, but there is nothing preventing change. Even if you were 70, what place does age have? Change is constant.

Not wanting to do things alone, I understand you. It's lonely, it's boring, it's awkward, you feel watched, judged, uncomfortable. Just because it isn't comfortable now doesn't mean it can't or won't be. You think "normal" or "confident" people never experience anxiety or depression or feel awkward? Eventually it becomes second nature to you, and you learn to cope with your self doubt. Doesn't ever get easy, but it gets more tolerable each time. Once you address your feelings and fears you can move forward and work on goals you set for yourself.

It all gets better eventually, if you work at it. You may not have a circle of support right this minute physically, but you will find it, and you have a large community of people suffering from similar afflictions with similar problems. Take advantage of that, reach out, get some practice. Have good conversations, get out your negative feelings, whatever you need. Someone will always care enough to listen and talk with you. You will find a job, you will find meaningful interests and relationships.

There is no easy in any of this. You may as well work hard and fix it as opposed to deteriorating and suffering, because it hurts either way, but the fixing it part makes the journey worth the effort. Every day will be crappy, there will be a thousand potential setbacks, you get the medical support you need, you learn to like yourself, you start to evolve and expand and things begin to fall into place.

Don't fall victim of the cliche that you are required to have many friends and are required to be social. It is very important to have support and like minded individuals guiding you, just don't let them make your decisions for you. Find someone who isn't afraid to tell you to shut up, man up, and go do it. Yes, there is medication, and therapy, and time, but in the end isn't the solution always the same? Just face your fears and conquer them, doesn't have to be today, but you do have to do it eventually.

If you aren't seeking medical treatment, I'd first suggest you do you. If you are being treated, you may want to speak with your doctor and ensure the treatments you receive are the most appropriate for your condition.

I've felt really alone for a really long time and know what it feels like to have no one to talk to. I put my contact information in my profile and when I am here I will talk when I can.