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[Nosyarg]

Everytime I try to say something that's on my mind nothing good comes of it. If I'm getting picked on by a black guy and I say something back I'm accused of being racist, if I talk about something I like or I'm intrested in everyone treats me like I'm weird, if I give a personal opinion all people do is insult me. It'd be different if they "disagreed" with me, but I can't say anything without people jumping all over me. It happens at home and on the internet.


Everyone treats me like I have nothing worth saying. Even my own family. I love them very much and I know they would never want to make me feel bad but they do and it hurts really bad. I know I'm not a stupid person, I'm the smartest kid in school, but just because I have Aspergers Syndrom I feel like some kind of moron.


Why is it that no one wants to listen to me? I feel like I can't say anything without screwing up. I use to keep quiet all the time when I was a kid and now that I'm try to speak what's on my mind everyone treats me like crap about it. Even my own Mom.


These people don't understand how much it hurts me when I'm trying to talk about something and they just interupt me, or when I'm about to talk about my favorite show or ask for something and my Mom just gives me one of those looks like "Oh just shut up already! You never say anything worth listening to!"



Does anyone else get this feeling? I feel like the only one.

[Gonzo]

I constantly get this feeling. Not as much as I did in school, but I feel like that around my coworkers. Unfortunately, it's human nature to pick on someone who is "different." At times, people are "threatened" by someone who is outside the "societal norm." THis crosses cutural and national boundaries. When one lacks self confidence or has a poor self image, it hurts even more. You are not alone. Try talking to your parents about your feelings and what they are doing. They might not even realize what they are saying.

[rosasinespina]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time feeling understood; I know how that feels a lot. Especially as I've gotten older, at least in person, I've had to learn how to censor what I say. It's a very lonely and sobering experience. It's also frustrating, because I'm the type of person who tries to understand people, and a lot of my theories/views are looked down upon.

[KeepingAwake]

Aw sweetie! (((((((nosyarq)))))))

I think we've all felt the way that you are feeling at times, and it hurts deeply.

Everyone wants to be heard, and it is incredibly frustrating when we feel as though we aren't being heard.

Grayson, I know you've mentioned that you have Aspergers. I'm not terribly familiar with it, but from what I understand about Asperger's, it can make it difficult to pick up on some non-verbal cues about how others are feeling. Is that right? Could part of your frustration maybe be from the way in which you are expressing your feeling? Or the timing? Forgive me if I am misunderstanding--I really do want to understand! Can you maybe give us an example of a situation where you felt that you weren't heard? Maybe that would help us to help you?

KA

[Jkm]

Maybe if you ask them if the have a minute, the'll be more inclined to listen to you. This works well for me. Otherwise, people are butting in and acting like what they have to say is more important than what you need to tell them. At least for some people it works like this for me. And I keep hearing the same stories over and over. Yikes!

Any remedy for this?

Jackie

[Nosyarg]

KeepingAwake, Aspergers is like a tiype of Autism, but without the extreme communication problems or low IQ. I do have some of the Autism like not being good in some social subjects. The problem with it is that it's hard to notice because unlike most Autistic kids people like me with Aspergers function higher in school work and stuff and can talk really well. You really have to live with the person to know that they have it.


I've been seeing a counslor ever since I was 10 and I've gotten a lot better in my social skills and obssesive compulsive. I don't think my mood swings have changed, I've just been seeming so happy lately because I'm in a better school with kids who aren't cruel to me and me and my Mom finally have our own house, but she's seeing her boyfriend who I really can't stand.


I'm really not good at explaining Aspergers myself 100%. All I know is that it's a type of Autism but most people who have it have more high IQs and low SQs.


Anyways I'll give a couple of examples of where I feel like no one wants to listen to me.


At home in the real world if we're carrying on a conversation, I might try to join in by telling something funny I heard or something cool I learned. My Mom will talk to me and not give me a chance to say much or by brothers and sister will talk over me and I have to wait forever to finish what I'm trying to say.


Or when I'm on the computer and I'm going into a forum, if someone says something I disagree with and I say something back no one will reply to it or will continue on like I didn't say anything, or I just get flamed. If I find something cool like pictures of my favorite video games I only get a few people who reply to it or people treat me like I'm weird, or if someone tries to fight with me and I stand up for myself or what I believe in it seems like everyone turns against me and starts flaming me.

The standing up for myself or my beliefs happens at home too. It's kind of hard to stand up for yourself when everyone else is against you.


I was doing better on my medication, it seemed like everyone wanted to listen to me and I didn't get into any kind of argumements or get embaressed because I said something silly, but it's been wearing off lately and I'm suppose to see my doctor next week for it.

[Neatoboy]

Or when I'm on the computer and I'm going into a forum, if someone says something I disagree with and I say something back no one will reply to it or will continue on like I didn't say anything, or I just get flamed. If I find something cool like pictures of my favorite video games I only get a few people who reply to it or people treat me like I'm weird, or if someone tries to fight with me and I stand up for myself or what I believe in it seems like everyone turns against me and starts flaming me.

I find that forums do not always work the same way as conversations. Generally a topic is raised and then several people give their different views on the issue(s). When you make a comment on a forum they aren't always responded to. Sometimes people just accept that as your opinion and the forum will continue. Unfortunately it's even easier to treat people with no respect on the internet than it is in "real" life. I'm sorry to hear that you have been treated this way.

Have you ever said to your family that your feelings are hurt when you are treated this way?

Neatoboy

[katrinasurvivor]

Hi!

I used to feel like even when my parents listened to me that they didn't "hear" me. I always felt misunderstood by them in particular. Our families can be some of the most difficult people to communicate with.

You said you had a bit better time of it on medication. Could it be that your Asperger's is preventing you from picking up on social cues - could you be misinterpreting some of the things that are happening? I'm not trying to blame the vicitm here. I know that when I'm very depressed, it colors everything that happens. I interpret things that people say to me differently than when I'm doing better. I have to remind myself that it's the depression talking and not necessarily what is really happening. I know I'm much more inclined to perceive things that people say as slights when I'm depressed.

I'm genuinely sorry that you are feeling so down about this. It's hard for those of us who don't suffer from your disorder to put ourselves in your shoes. It must be very hard at times.

[arlaur]

((Nosyarg))

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling-- I have a mild case of Asperger Syndrome myself (although it manifests itself differently than classic cases-- instead of being too shy, I'm too loud and overbearing. Either way, though, the effect on other people is the same-- anyone they deem to be "weird," they avoid and ridicule.) People are so conformist in this society, and it hurts anyone who falls outside the boundaries of the world's expected "cliques." And, sadly, cliques don't end with school; there are Yuppies, who don't associate with the Save-The-World Nonprofit Types, who, in turn, don't associate with some of the very working-class people they're trying so hard to save. Add to the mix the self-marginalization of some nationalities, religions, races, and sexual orientations, and the result is a very divided landscape. If you don't fit into any pre-existing group, which is often the case for Aspies like us, it can cause an inordinate amount of stress, and it makes it difficult to maintain a positive self image. I have walked in your shoes . . . frankly, I continue to walk in your shoes. Hang in there!

-Ari

[Akisej]

Nosyarg, I don't have Aspergers but I can still connect to that feeling that people don't want to hear what I have to say. My whole life my parents have told me that I talk too much or too loud. When I was little my mom would say "Okay, mommy's ears are tired so why don't we have quiet time now?" That sort of haunted me my whole life, and it was brought up the other day. In my memory, she would do that to me THE MOMENT I started to tell her something, usually if she asked me how my day was and I responded. Once I got past "It was good," she seemed to stop me with that lame excuse. But when she explained it, she said I would talk for like an HOUR without stopping before she finally had to interrupt me. Whether that's true or not, because my mom has lied about things before, it explains that everyone interprets things differently. You may be feeling like they really don't care or they are annoyed at you, when they really aren't. Or maybe they're feeling like you're doing something wrong and just act out of annoyance rather than communicating it to you properly to avoid a misunderstanding.

Or possibly there is some body language you're missing out on. I dunno a lot about Aspergers except for what my friends in AP Psychology classes have told me, but from what I've learned on this forum it seems like Aspergers prevents you from picking up on body language. If that were the case, I would probably remind people that they need to be clear with me. Talking over me is just going to hurt my feelings. But they could be like, "That's cool, but we were actually talking about something else..." or whatever the reason is for them being/acting annoyed. When someone in a group of people is wheelchair-bound, the other people in the group don't just run ahead and leave the kid in the wheelchair behind working hard to keep up. I have a friend who is almost completely deaf and doesn't know sign language. He has a cochlear implant, but you have to look straight at him when you're talking or he doesn't hear you. So everyone does that when he's around. We compromise to make the environment comfortable and fun for everybody. People who know you have Aspergers shouldn't be asking you to do things that you can't do, whatever they are. So maybe some family therapy is necessary so that a professional can explain to your family what's going on and what they can do to make life enjoyable for you as well as them.

Outside the family-- that's in school, in the working world, the internet, everywhere... No one is going to be able to really tell that you have Aspergers. So they won't be thinking about making adjustments. Beyond that, people are often rude anyway. Like I said, I don't have Aspergers. But at school I said a lot of off-the-wall things and some people would give me the dirtiest looks you could imagine or flat out insult me. That's how people are--rude, self-centered, and craving acceptance from others. I'm 'weird' and a lot of people feel like if they are nice to me they won't look good to their friends. Some people just don't like my opinions and they insult me for it. It's the nature of dumb people. But you know what? You're not a criminal for being yourself. You're awesome for being yourself despite what others think. And if anyone comes along who can't deal with who you are, that's their problem, not yours. If they're going to insult you for not conforming to THEIR standards, you're better off just forgetting about them cause they're probably worthless.

You'll find that you'll get plenty of acceptance here. So don't think no one wants to hear what you have to say--we want to.

[Nosyarg]

I've never really thought about it like that. I guess it could be that. I guess part of the reason could be that I just notice things differently when I communicate. I know I was doing better on my medication which is wearing off now. I think it's pronounced "Respherdal" but I'm not sure how to spell it. It's suppose to be a mild anti-psychotic that helps me with my depression, obssesive compulsive, and other Asperger traits.



arlaur, yeah I get that feeling too. Especially because I'm in Special Ed. I love my school and I like the kids and the teachers, but sometimes it makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm put there because I'm not good enough to go to regular school. When I was in regular school I was severly harassed by other students and got beaten up alot and the teachers wouldn't do anything.


I worry so much about what things will be like when I'm an adult. I make excellent grades and I've never been sent to the office in school but what if I can't get a job or something because I go to Special Ed?


I just have so much stress going on. I think I'm just too emotional.

[Moonlight_Magic]

sometimes i feel like people dont listen to me sometimes aswell.

I care what i have to say even if other people dont.

Edited by Enigmatic_Soul, 06 June 2006 - 04:25 PM.

[justme56001]

Oh boy, I can identify with you 110%!! So no you are not alone!!!

[KeepingAwake]

Hi Nosy-

Thanks for explaining more about your siutation.

You mentioned that your medication is wearing off. Why are you not taking it anymore?

KA

[chaku]

Hey Nosyarg, your story has educated me about Asperger's Disorder, and I think it will help me to be more sensitive to people that are speaking to me. I have had people talk to me in the past about really off the wall things, and to be honest, it can make me pretty uncomfortable and feel a little threatened, but I am a pretty anxious and uncomfortable guy most of the time myself.

After hearing what you are going through, I will try to look at things a little differently the next time something like that happens. You seem like a really nice guy, and I wouldn't want to make you feel like just because you have a different way of expressing yourself or different views you aren't valued.

I guess there is a stigma to these disorders and we don't always know how to react in those situations. Then again, sometimes when we feel threatened, there is something wrong, so we don't always know what is the right thing to do.

As an example of a really uncomfortable situation I had a few months ago: As I walked out of the grocery store with my cart, an older lady lifted out her hand like I had dropped something. I reached out and she dropped a cigarette lighter in my hand and wanted me to light her cigarette. I hate cigarettes, so I was already really uncomfortable, but I decided I'd be polite anyway. The lighter was having trouble staying lit because it was a windy day so she took it back and lit it herself. She then proceeded to say that "she would push my cart for me." She made it about two steps and I told her that "no, I will take my own cart, thank you," and she got really upset and tried to fight for my cart. I took the cart back from her back to my brother's car and fled the situation.

Why she, and old lady of about 5 feet tall would fight me, a young man 6 feet tall for my own shopping cart, I will never understand completely. Was she just crazy? Was she just mean? Did she have a mental disorder? Did she think she could steal my food from me? Was it all her very wierd way of being polite? It sure was an uncomfortable situation, though.

I thought I'd share my story about how it feels from the other side when we feel really uncomfortable. I am sure you are nothing like that old lady, Nosyarg, but I just wanted to point out that sometimes people get really uncomfortable and confused by other people when we don't understand them and don't even know what to do. It isn't always one person slighting another, sometimes we just get really confused.

Keep working on communicating with others, do your best to meet people half-way, working with your disorder, and hopefully you will find some people that will meet you half-way as well.

Edited by chaku, 06 June 2006 - 02:19 PM.

[Nosyarg]

I'm still taking my medicine, but it's just not working as good. My Mom noticed it too.



I also know how it feels to be in an uncomfortable situation in public. I have a fear of talking to strangers or people I don't know very well so when I go to a store I try to keep to myself. Usually my Mom is trying to help me break that by sending me into a store to the register to pay for gas, and it's usually OK because the people dxon't talk to you that much, but one time at Burger King my Mom sent me up to try and order my own food and when I did the lady asked me of I wanted a meal or sandwich and I didn't understand what she was asking so I said a sandwich, then my Mom went back up to the register and told the lady I really wanted a meal and I kept aplogizing for no reason. I made a complete fool of myself.


People probably think I'm crazy when I act really nervous going up to a register or I freak out when a stranger tells me I dropped something and tries to help me get it or like this one time at a Chinese Resturant I accidently had my take-out tray upside down and this lady kept calling me to tell me but I pretended to not hear her hoping she would leave me alone but she went up to me and told me.

It's not that I'm anti-social or don't like people, but I only feel comfortable around people I know or when my Mom handles stuff when we go into a store. I have Anxiety disorder and had an Anxiety attack in the library because my library card needed to be renewed and I didn't know and the lady wanted to call my Mom but I couldn't remember my own phone number. I got so scared I felt like I couldn't breath and the lady was looking at me weird. Or I felt like she did. My psychotrist explained to me that sometimes when you have an Anxiety attack it feels like everyone is watching you when they really arent.




My medication has helpes a lot with that problem and I felt more comfortable going into places and talking, but lately I've been having Anxiety attacks again like I did at Burger King a few weeks ago.

[chaku]

Oh man, I can relate to your anxiety stories really well. I avoid public situations like that a lot of the time too. Even buying things at the store causes so much stress.

I don't go to the library very often for the same reason. It stresses me out having to respond to other people in real time and I have trouble hearing them. They have to ask me things twice and I get more nervous. Your stories are so much like mine.

I became really isolated because I let it get out of control and at my worst I think I didn't leave my house for 2 months or so. Just too much stress. I am working on getting better and can do fairly simple things like buying things now, but I still freak out sometimes.

Anyway, I can totally understand that one and it feels wierd that other people may be feeling similar things as me, when I feel like I am in my own little world.

Try to keep on working with your fears Nosyarg. I can attest to the fact that your life can get really out of control if they control you too much for too long.

[sober4life]

I know how you feel completely especially on the internet. Chances are that no one will even pay attention to what I post right now!

[KeepingAwake]

We're listening Ihatelife!

KA

[alone_and_lonely]

I also have a "mild" (then again, how do we distinuish mild from moderate -- the ability to "pass" in society as essentially "normal") case of Asperger Syndrome. It manifests itself in strange ways. When I'm among strangers, I often become almost catatonic. When I have someone I know to "latch onto", I sometimes become loud and overbearing. It's a strange mix that often leads to misunderstandings and great difficulty in making friends.

Even when I'm a bit "moderate" in my social dealings, I still feel as though nobody wants to listen to me. Is it some sort of "instinct" that "normals" have, that they can sense that I'm different and want nothing to do with me? I've read about such things happening in the animal kingdom -- does this also apply to humans?

Ron

((Nosyarg))

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling-- I have a mild case of Asperger Syndrome myself (although it manifests itself differently than classic cases-- instead of being too shy, I'm too loud and overbearing. Either way, though, the effect on other people is the same-- anyone they deem to be "weird," they avoid and ridicule.) People are so conformist in this society, and it hurts anyone who falls outside the boundaries of the world's expected "cliques." And, sadly, cliques don't end with school; there are Yuppies, who don't associate with the Save-The-World Nonprofit Types, who, in turn, don't associate with some of the very working-class people they're trying so hard to save. Add to the mix the self-marginalization of some nationalities, religions, races, and sexual orientations, and the result is a very divided landscape. If you don't fit into any pre-existing group, which is often the case for Aspies like us, it can cause an inordinate amount of stress, and it makes it difficult to maintain a positive self image. I have walked in your shoes . . . frankly, I continue to walk in your shoes. Hang in there!

-Ari

[dondi2538]

Gosh, I know this is an old post but when I read it I said man, that's exactly how I felt when I was a kid, and even today. When I was a kid my siblings used to tell me all the time to shut up or get out,like just because they were older and I was the youngest I did'nt know anything. Today when I'm in the midst of people and I say something it gets completely ignored, or I get this look like I have a chicken on my head. it still happens with my family, which is why i don't talk to or call anyone. But when i say nothing people say, oh you're too quiet. But it seems like no matter what I say sometimes it just gets passed over. I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

[monkey_dude]

Is there a part of the forum for Asperger's Syndrom? I looked but could not find one.

[littlestar]

The answer is yes.

Edited by littlestar, 25 May 2007 - 03:30 AM.

[monkey_dude]

The answer is yes.

Where?

[HeWhoIsMe]

I'm sorry to hear that man.

[Starberry]

I definitely get the same feelings from time to time. Like that old saying "standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of your lungs and no one hears you" kinda thing. Its so frustrating.

I guess I find what helps me most is either talking to someone whose in the same boat as me (as they'll understand). They can understand what its like to not be heard and the feeling of needing to be heard.

If you ever need someone to listen, though, I'll be there! ^_^
~ Star

[DommyKeay18]

yeah it's like how much listening can one do in a lifetime without having his say? it's like people don't care what your thinking or what you say it's all about them. When i do speak up i sense that people don't actually give a D***.

[kitty kat]

yeah it's like how much listening can one do in a lifetime without having his say? it's like people don't care what your thinking or what you say it's all about them. When i do speak up i sense that people don't actually give a D***.

And it seems thats people don;t even seem to notice me anymore.
just makes me wounder whats the point anymore

[PRT]

And it seems thats people don;t even seem to notice me anymore.
just makes me wounder whats the point anymore

Of course people notice you Kitty Kat, it's just hard for us to realise sometimes because we only focus on the negative thoughts. We notice you on here

[wild_rose]

I can definately relate to what you're saying. I have found my sister is like this. I try to talk to her and she changes the subject, and just gives me a dirty look. I remember once she was told by her doctor whilst I was there that they wanted to refer her, because they suspected she was having anxiety attacks. Her reaction, "I don't need to see someone, I am not crazy" Later when I confronted her about it, she said "oh but it's different with you you, you're not crazy" Heh, yet I suffer from pretty bad anxiety.

Another time I was trying to explain something and I referred to me having a mental illness, which it is. She then told me I shouldn't say that because people will think I'm crazy. When I tried saying but depression is, she had a go at me saying I'm not crazy therefore I should not say things to make people think that I am. I think she just couldn't deal with the fact that I was facing the truth about my illness.

She also has way of bringing me down, when I really needed to talk to her about things she changes the subject, then suddenly when I'm starting to improve, she demands to know how I'm feeling and then decides to probe deep, and when close off, I get abused she says we're sisters we should talk about this I wanna know how you're feeling I want to know WHY you're so depressed, what so bad in your life.

It's no surprise I don't wanna talk about it, everytime I have tried she makes feel like I am crazy. Recently I have been diagnosed as bipolar, she'll never know, I'll never tell. I refuse to let her belittle me anymore. Just because I have bipolar, does not make me crazy. A mental illness doesn't make someone crazy...

Sorry I rambled a bit

[anon22ae]

They often mean well, but those who've never suffered depression tend to downplay it, telling me to "man up," go out with friends, etc., and solve my own problems. They may listen but not really hear... it may take some experience with depression to appreciate how debilitating it is.

[lonleysindy]

I think I get what you are saying Mogwai....I spend too much energy everyday painting a smile on my face to just get people off my back. It takes to much energy and wears me out. but it seems easier then the alternitive of the remarks people make about just get up and do something you will feel better, how about why don't you talk to me and tell me how you feel. The world never wants to know how you feel when you are down. They only want to hear happy things. I have noticed though that when others aren't happy they are so willing to talk to me but no-one wants to hear me when I am down

[anon22ae]

But it's a bit of mystery why some people - who have experience of feeling low - chat with us when they are low and not so much when they are well. I'm at a bit of a loss to explain that really. Perhaps, uncharitably, i sometimes think that people like this are fake-depressives, people who've never been seriously debilitated by it for a consistent period i.e. years.

Some people might be more takers than givers. They might suffer a misfortune, but still not gain much empathy for others in the same boat. Still, I'd hope most would empathize. It's one aspect of human vs. animal nature (though some animals are also capable of some empathy).

[hiimlyss]

I know the feeling you mean. In my case I'm not sure if it's valid or I'm being more sensitive or expecting more of people without telling them what I need from them. Its tough being depressed and needing to talk but feeling like a broken record. I feel guilty for repeating things to friends and family and needing them over and over again but I know closing myself off isn't going to make the feelings go away. I hope you can find people you can talk to!