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“Over the past decade there has been a revolution in the treatment of chronic depression. We really can treat this illness effectively in many people. This couldn’t be said fifteen or twenty years ago…” --David Hellerstein, MD

1) What is dysthymic disorder and how is it diagnosed?

Dysthymic disorder (abbreviated as DD) is chronic low-grade depression. To qualify for the diagnosis of dysthymic disorder, a person must have been feeling depressed for at least two years. In practice, people often after have suffered from dysthymic symptoms for twenty or thirty years or more before seeking treatment!

Dysthymic disorder can be thought of as a paradoxical disorder. Though its symptoms are fairly mild on a day-to-day basis, over a lifetime DD is actually a severe disorder—leading to high rates of suicide, work impairment, and social isolation. In fact, the risk of suicide is higher with dysthymia than major depression! Another aspect of the paradox is that because people think of dysthymia as mild they often do not seek treatment. Or if they do seek treatment, it is with types of medicine or therapy that are unlikely to help them feel better.
Read More.... Q and A about Dysthymic Disorder (Chronic Depression)

[Lupus]

Yep, im one of those rare freaks blessed with dysthymia.

While its not the horrible debilitating problem that major depression is, its a much more subtle and subversive illness. It creeps into every facet of your being and totally subverts your personality to the point that being depressed is a normal state of being for you. Over the years it will grind you down and debilitate you in the same way a-typical unipolar depression does only dysthymia doesnt ever go away. Its like a horrible roomate you'll never get rid of and makes every day grey and bleak.

Its like this dialog from the movie office space,

Peter: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter: Yeah...

Dr. Dwanson: Wow, that's messed up.

Edited by Lupus, 23 June 2006 - 06:11 PM.

[poki.loki]

Yep, im one of those rare freaks blessed with dysthymia.

While its not the horrible debilitating problem that major depression is, its a much more subtle and subversive illness. It creeps into every facet of your being and totally subverts your personality to the point that being depressed is a normal state of being for you. Over the years it will grind you down and debilitate you in the same way a-typical unipolar depression does only dysthymia doesnt ever go away. Its like a horrible roomate you'll never get rid of and makes every day grey and bleak.

Its like this dialog from the movie office space,

Peter: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter: Yeah...

Dr. Dwanson: Wow, that's messed up.

*Hugs*

Your not a freak. Everyone feels something like you do or worse. We are one in the same

PL

[knitter]

i have dd .. is that why i try to hide my bad days.. i dont know why but i dont want anyone to see me crying and i dont want to have to explain what i am cryng about.. i dont even know..stress realy u know stresses me out..i have been on different medicines for 15 years and am still not better..my dr said we well now double up.. i am tired of trying i want to get better now... i want a life.. cant work..cant do my art ..no friends , cant cope with people. have a great life other than dd..i am 60 years old and i feel like i have lost so many years... life is getting shorter and i want to be part of it NOW...

[libra]

So hmm. I've kind of always been a wee bit down, from time to time, just sometimes it was worse.. The last couple of years have been no picnic as I've had some rough times which only intensified the existing condition. Drugs didn't help either, looking back they just made me worse. I've just found out that I've been diagnosed, labeled, if you will, with this condition of Dysthymia. As well as generalized anxiety... and while I don't vocalise much of my worry to people around me and my partner seems to think he worries much more than I do, I think my doctor might be right. I bottle things up, and don't talk about what I'm really worried about... I mean, I go through life each day thinking negatively, the last thing I want is to start dwelling on it... but coming to think more of that... not verbalising it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist... I should know this all too well... ooops sorry for rambling.

[Rozarioxl]

Yeah that sounds exactly like what I have been going through the past 11 years. I just wish that I had medical insurance so I could do something about it.

[CerealnMuffin]

I have always had dysthmia. The onset of mild autism when I was little kept me alone during the critical years of socialization. Now that I am 24, I still suffer dysthmia. I am starting to feel quite a bit better but that is because I am also transgendered and I am finally being myself and succeeding very well at it. I am also in therapy but it has never really helped.

The only thing making me very depressed and now suicidal is my horrible job. Should I start wellbutrin or some sort of antidepressents? I have a degree and I am stuck in retail, hoping to teach or go to grad school yet I have no enerngy to study or apply.

Ummm any recommendations?

[Elizabeth]

I've had Dysinthia for the last 5 years but strangely enough I have grown so accustomed to havig it that I don't want it to go. I can function normally in day to day life etc but behin the talking, laughing, joking etc the dysinthia hangs in the background and it only needs a small trigger to bring it boe the surface once more. I remember yesterday when I was watching Blackadder, though I lughed at the jokes, momentarily I looked grave fromtime totime so I think I understand now what one of my friends meant by saying that you can read it in someone's eye.

[319_Please]

I'm DD too! We ought to have jackets made for our club, but what would the crest look like? I have been DD positive for the past 17 years, give or take a year. I only found out that I was so messed up this past February. Since then I've started medication (not medicating myself mind you, well maybe a little bit) and talking to a therapist. I got to say that in this past 6 or 8 weeks, things have started to coalesced for the better, and for the first time in recent memory (oh, say 17 years, give or take a year) I've had many a positive feeling about my life. I'm excited about my life and my future, and this has been a sustained thing for many weeks now. I used to have a battle mentality that life was something that was endured, and/or beaten into submission. Thank God I don't feel that way anymore.

Keep on keepin' on,

K

[oceangirl]

I have had DD for over 20 yrs and experience an avg of 1-3 major depressions per year. As a child and early teens I was more numb, kind of flatlining. At adolescensce it turned into deep sadness and the occasional 'week of tears'. Even though did well in school and was popular I was hurting deeply inside. I was ashamed of my sadness, 'What is wrong with me, I have no reason for this!'. I kept it all in and I didn't get any help until my mid 20s, when I was finding it increasingly hard to hide from my closer friends and colleagues. I've finally accepted it was a real illness and have stopped being so hard on myself. I am learning to be as gentle on myself as I would be to a loved one. It's has helped me feel ok with me even when I am a bit 'messy'.

I still have to fight the desire to be stay in. Maintaining our relationships with friends and family is so important in life. But there are times I just need to be at home. After so yrs of putting on the 'happy face', I'm so drained and can't do it as well as I once did. I don't care so much about appeasing anyone. Some friends/family still take it personally when I hibernate. So be it. They are not the ones living in my skin. And how can we really expect someone to truly understand if they have never lived with a serious depressive disorder. Besides, my true friends are always there when I return. I try to stay true and kind, and to do what's best for me, and sometimes it's going easy and taking a break. I just need to keep in mind that I need to do the things that are good for my well-being when I am alone. Today I am going to force myself to workout even though I am teary and want to sleep all day.

Best to All:)

[crystallic]

Ah, Dysthymia.....the monster that slowly and steadily robs me of life experiences every day.

I'm 35 now, was diagnosed at 30, but looking back can see that this developed in my early 20's. I can certainly identify with those of you who have posted above me in this thread.

I've accepted that it's quite well likely that I will need to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I never seem to be able to release my frustration and resentment toward this "beast". It's throws a big heavy blob of grey over my naturally creative and exuberant personality, and makes life look greyscale instead of vibrant colour. And, it's always back there.....behind me.....tapping me on the shoulder every now and then to remind me that it's there and waiting for it's next opportunity to take the lead.

Anyone who is of the misunderstanding that this is not as severe as depression needs to pay attention to this thread!

[theinvisiblegirl]

So.. I'm new here and it sucks I have to make a minimum number of posts in order to chat with people because I'm only here because I'm feeling pretty ****ing desperate.

I've expressed already that I've never been on meds and I haven't really been diagnosed. I know I'm depressed but I'm not sure which "type" I am. I feel like I might be DD? My depression has been really bad since I've entered my undergraduate studies three years ago. The relationship i'm in has made it even worse, especially in the past year. However, I remember being 13 years old in middle school and thinking to myself "Wow, I'm a loser. I have no friends, I'm not going to have any ever." I was the the middle of a cultural and personal identity crisis. And then I thought "Oh well, I'm just going to be the perfect daughter that my parents want me to be." I'm in my early twenties now, and I pretty much feel the same except now I'm faking being the perfect daughter because my dad doesn't really know me that well and I can't tell my mother how depressed I am.

I had a few years that were ok. Good friends. As of now, those are the only friends I have, and even so I rarely see them anymore.

So here I am, in my dorm room, typing away, hoping someone will at least agree with me that life sucks. I'm trying to keep down the sounds of my sniffling but its not easy. When I lived alone this summer I would cry for hours. When I'm alone I still do the same thing. At the end of the day I literally feel like I've been swimming all day.


Another thing- I've recently started bleeding in between my period for a week now. I went to my docs a few days ago but he said it was normal because I missed a pill. I know its not cus I missed 1 pill. Possible it might be stress-related?

[319_Please]

However, I remember being 13 years old in middle school and thinking to myself "Wow, I'm a loser. I have no friends, I'm not going to have any ever."

Hey IG,

I feel your pain. I'm sure that everyone with DD can remember an event or specific point in their lives when they felt what you described. I look back at some times during high school where it was like I was out of my body, but still looking through my eyes and thinking about how inane all my friends were, and how I couldn't wait to be rid of them. Now when I think of that moment, and many others, I think that should have been a sign, but who do you tell? Hard to tell your parents 'cause they might just dismiss your complaint as a growing pain of a teenager, when it is in fact something really wrong. And then you spend 17 years of your life thinking that life sucks, and happiness is fleeting. That is DD for you.

I remember distinctly just a year ago walking home from work on a beautiful day with a the sun on my back and not a cloud in the sky, but I was completely miserable. I would ask myself why I couldn't be happy, when I had so much to be happy about. Then a February diagnosis seal the deal that I've got DD. That was a blessing and a curse as my personal life was falling apart, but at least my mental torment now had a name, and could be fought with medication and therapy. Now I'm doing much better, but have resigned myself to the possibility that I'll be medicated for the rest of my life. But that is better than being depressed for the rest of my life.

Fight for the help that you need. I know it can be very difficult, but get a handle on your depression now, regardless of what type it is. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the sooner you can hopefully get on the road to recovery.

Keep hope alive,

K

[blackrider]

Greets to everyone! Stay strong, invisiblegirl. I can really relate to your pain. It can seem like a curse to be a univ student and come to the realization that you have DD or some form of d. The unfairness of it all seems incredible. I remember I would sit there in my room much like you are doing, and, driven to my wits end, I would read up on the condition, where I'd learn things like it is common for d to have its onset during late adolescence / early adulthood, i.e., exactly the age of myself and my peers at school; I would rage, "that's impossible, everybody but me seems so well-adjusted and happy and motivated blablabla" and nothing added up, nothing made sense, I really isolated myself. I was really stubborn and fought with my parents over going to the univ counseling/psych services. If i could change any one thing about my time at univ, I would have checked out those facilities WAY earlier. Some schools unfortunately limit the number of sessions; but some do not. (what does suck is that often the waitlists can get ungodly. There were more people out there suffering than I ever imagined, but unfortunately there was a waitlist of several MONTHS. By that time, I had already dropped out of school and could no longer access the facilities; please don't let this happen to you!) When I eventually returned to school, I still didn't learn my lesson; I stubbornly refused to seek help. Now that I'm living with my parents and trying to do everything to "hide" my "condition," the idea of a confidential, walk-in sort of resource such as they had at univ, is inconceivable. (I get a kind of horrible regret-filled nostalgia; or nostalgia-filled regret, if you will, about my years in the "enlightened college town" hahaha.)
DD needs more research done on it I think. Thank you to the person who posted that article in the FAQ! JUst because DD is oft referred to as "mild depression" doesn't make it any less insidious. In fact, after years of "chronic low mood," it's hard to call it "mild" by any stretch. I'd say one of the worst things about it is that you GET USED to it somehow, it's "mild" only in that you somehow manage to live with it, and you come to think it's a normal part of life; (your life, at least,) and that this is now "who/how you are;" being moody, pessimistic, hateful, lethargic, unmotivated etc is just part of your "personality." K gave a good description above. Once you get accustomed to not enjoying life, then it can seem impossible to get out of that mindset, because you've never known any other way of thinking. In my case, the DD was fueled by questionable attitudes like "school sucks" and "work sucks" and "people suck" and that nothing I did mattered; I would never find myself doing anything that mattered with my life. Consequently, I feel like I'm not interested in anything and it's extraordinarily difficult to set goals, and it seems impossible to be passionate or care about anything. This comes out in my extreme laziness and apathy; I'm just mooching off my parents and occaisionally/unenthusiastically sending out a resume/application (not suprising I've gotten no response!) and watching TV all day. Yeah things could be a lot worse.
I've been reading "overcoming depression" by p.gilbert, and it makes the interesting case that d activates our "fight-or-flight" systems. For me, this ties in to the sense of being overwhelmed, and of a desperate sense of wanting to escape your immediate environment, and, of assuming the worst about people, i.e., they want to deceive you so you'd better protect yourself. Does anyone else get the feeling of "wanting to escape", i.e., particular feelings tied to particular environments -- you feel you "Sort of belong" in place A but you don't "belong" at all in place B?
Also, thanks to whoever mentioned thich nhat hanh, i've got some new reading material that looks quite interesting.
PEACE to all

[fog]

i was looking over this message board and i would see stories where people would say stuff like " i just want to be like myself again" or "the depression just hit me one day" , and i just could not relate. then i came across DD and thought, yeah, this is me. i am 34 and i have been steadily, mildly depressed for about 15 years ,wierd how saying mildly depressed makes it sound like its no big deal, well it is a big deal, its like being poisoned slowly. i still dont fully believe that i was born this way, its more like a path i am following. why am i on this path? maybe i am not being myself, maybe i am a coward, i dont know , but i am still hopeful. i will overcome this, i have to! good luck everyone, be strong.

[carefulhands]

i think i have chronic depression as well. i never understood it when people say "i want things to be the way it used to be." It has always been this; this is all i've ever known. I always question whether there's something actually wrong with me or if its just the way i am. i've always been a sad little kid...and now a pathetic 'emo' teenager.

it really is a slow killer. because you keep telling the same things to yourself over and over till it becomes an established fact. it's much harder for a 'change of heart'...

[Tymothi]

Fog:

This is exactly how I feel. I have, consciously and un-, slowly been "arranging" my life for the safety of suicide. It has taken me ovr a decade to drop all my friends, evacuate old memories, and suppress emotional attachment with others, just so that I could be in a place where I felt "safe" to **** myself without anyone else being harmed by it. I have only recently become aware of this - and consequently, I have only VERY recently even considered ANY form of therapy - hence the membership you see here.

I believe my path is singular, that there is no alternative. I have lived with the "saftey" of suicide longer than I've known my own mother, and although my understanding and control of it borders on the phenomenal, it is still a singular path.

Edited by Jkm, 29 September 2006 - 05:50 PM.

[DeeBear]

Fog:

This is exactly how I feel. I have, consciously and un-, slowly been "arranging" my life for the safety of suicide. It has taken me ovr a decade to drop all my friends, evacuate old memories, and suppress emotional attachment with others, just so that I could be in a place where I felt "safe" to **** myself without anyone else being harmed by it. I have only recently become aware of this - and consequently, I have only VERY recently even considered ANY form of therapy - hence the membership you see here.

I believe my path is singular, that there is no alternative. I have lived with the "saftey" of suicide longer than I've known my own mother, and although my understanding and control of it borders on the phenomenal, it is still a singular path.

Tymothi,

Please continue to seek help, and let us know how you're doing. I dare say most of us here have had the thoughts (if not all), and I'm not particularly hopeful now, but there will be better days, and that's what I live for. You did not choose this, you did not deserve this, and no one should ever have to go through this. Life isn't fair, especially for those of us who suffer in silence while life goes on around us. I hope to someday rejoin the human race, and that's what keeps me going. Right now, I'm living in a world apart from everyone else, trying to find my way back home. The people I have met here on this forum are helping me find the way - Let them help you as well.

"Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run/
There's still time to change the road you're on." - Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven

[alexithymia]

Yeah, me too. As soon as I read about dysthmyic disorder (dysthymia) I knew that's what I had. I never had that "I wish I felt like my old self again" thought/feeling. I'm 40 now and think I've been depressed since my teens. It's amazing how long we can go without recognizing that we're depressed. Because it's not major depression, it gets overlooked; it's easy to deny. It's really easy to incorporate into your sense of your self, and I think this makes it harder to recover. Best of luck to all of you suffering from dysthymic disorder.

[madwoman]

Yeah, me too. As soon as I read about dysthmyic disorder (dysthymia) I knew that's what I had. I never had that "I wish I felt like my old self again" thought/feeling. I'm 40 now and think I've been depressed since my teens. It's amazing how long we can go without recognizing that we're depressed. Because it's not major depression, it gets overlooked; it's easy to deny. It's really easy to incorporate into your sense of your self, and I think this makes it harder to recover. Best of luck to all of you suffering from dysthymic disorder.

i cant believe how many people there are with dysthemia whos depression started in their teens. i was diagnosed with this 3 weeks ago and have just started medication for it today. the psychiatrist explained that it can take years to be diagnosed because doctors dont realise the mild depression you suffer on a daily basis. i only went to see the doctor when i was at my lowest but have always felt down since the age of 13. i was beginning to think all these thoughts and feelings were in my head and just part of me but now i know its an illness i can just see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel. is there any one else who takes moclobemide and if so does it work? been on citalapram for 2 years which didnt help so scared of this new one not working

[Grover]

I remember when I was little 8 or 9 and I used to have the worst nightmares and couldn't sleep and would just get up when the sun came up and look out the window. I can't really remember any "normal" normal always just being the quiet little shy kid. But yeah it definately got worse in the teens. Too much change I guess. Sometimes I wish I was just a little crazier just so it wouldn't seem as if I'm just trying to be a miserable little attention *****. A nice little breakdown would be infinately cleaner than just coasting by and never getting any better.

Edited by Grover, 25 October 2006 - 06:20 PM.

[Joyous56]

I decided this year to go into some sort of counseling, so I set aside a ton of money in my flexible spending account to get therapy.

The first thing I tried, I spent about $500 to find out I had sever...SEVERE...ADD. Oh good. So now I'm supposed to make lists and get a PDA...and pay this chick $60 per hour to coach me. Only after I spent the $500 to get the diagnosis, I kinda felt screwed out of the money and quit.

So...nearing the end of the year...and still feeling crappy (so what's new?), my Pdoc suggested cognitive therapy. OK fine. I will try it...give it my all. I am supposed to figure out what it is I want to correct/solve/address/deal with.

I made a list of all the things in my life that I have to deal with/correct/solve. It is waaay long. From home maintenance to career to pets to car to friends to life (people starving, politics, why am I here? What is my purpose?, etc.) I cannot come up with any one thing that I am depressed about. It is all of it...and it is none of it.

I don't know if I care too much, or care too little. I don't know if I am lazy...or if I am disturbed/depressed. I don't know if there is one troubling thing in my life, if solved, would make me 'better'.

I am open and willing and yet, I have explored all these things....ALL OF THEM....and found no answers. Why do I want/need answers? Why do most people go through life without answers? How can people get so passionate about football?

I figure I will be totally blessed if I do not feel compelled to **** myself. My mother did that...I don't know what her demons were, but I think that they were similar to mine. I have a son; I don't want him to feel that the search is hopeless. If I **** myself, he may think that.

So...I will stick around....one foot in front of the other...one day at a time. Until I die naturally....or figure out a way to die undetected.

I welcome death.

[CaptainSteve]

Hi Joyous
I can relate to the needing answers. I also think about the big issues all the time and don't have answers. Being depressed, I also find it difficult to do the reading and thinking that i want to do about these things.
I also think about death being a welcome release sometimes. I'm not in a hopeless situation, but certainly dont plan on ******* myself. I'm also only 21 and haven't been depressed for that long so i have more hope than many others would.
I'm uncertain if i'm dystymic. I was not a particulary happy kid but i was far from the state of depression i'm in now. I guess only time will tell.

[WuAgent]

this article is a blessing cuz now i realize im not a "Lazy good for nothing lump" and that i actually have an illness that is affecting me and has been debilitating me socially and motivationally for well over a decade.

i just need to do what i have to do to get better and not worry about being apart of society right now. im flat out not ready.

a change is gonna come!

[Joyous56]

For me, there is a fine line between accepting my diagnosis of dysthymic disorder (which might allow me to relax a bit), and continuing to feel that I have control (which allows me to feel hope that I can overcome this).

Even from my Psychiatrist, there is no clarification. Recently he recommended cognitive therapy, which implys that my depression is due to my inaccurate thoughts and feelings, and that by correcting those, I can aleviate my depression.

So how do I know which is which? How much is an illness that is out of my control, and how much is due to the way I think, which theoretically be corrected.

I am concerned that by believing this is within my control, I jeopardize my ability to accept my illness.

Honestly, I would love to believe that I can overcome this. But the fact that I've spent so many years looking for something I could control in this, I'm inclined to belive that acceptance is the key; I know that I would feel more content if I could accept that dd is a part of who I am....and let go of any expectations of feeling what other people feel.

Does anyone feel what I do...that perhaps we can overcome dd by thinking differently? Do you think there is more serenity to be gained by accepting the diagnosis, and learning to live with it.

I do need help with this....

[DeusExMachina]

I know how you all feel...

I've had DD for the past 7 years, since I was 11... (it's actually mixed depression, arguably the worst kind...) and it's been grinding me down ever since.

My guess is that it is mixed in with a learning disability, Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD), which is a cause of endless frustration for me, as of now it is only suspected (actually it's more like a sure thing) by me and not officially diagnosed...

[DeeBear]

For me, there is a fine line between accepting my diagnosis of dysthymic disorder (which might allow me to relax a bit), and continuing to feel that I have control (which allows me to feel hope that I can overcome this).

Even from my Psychiatrist, there is no clarification. Recently he recommended cognitive therapy, which implys that my depression is due to my inaccurate thoughts and feelings, and that by correcting those, I can aleviate my depression.

So how do I know which is which? How much is an illness that is out of my control, and how much is due to the way I think, which theoretically be corrected.

I am concerned that by believing this is within my control, I jeopardize my ability to accept my illness.

Honestly, I would love to believe that I can overcome this. But the fact that I've spent so many years looking for something I could control in this, I'm inclined to belive that acceptance is the key; I know that I would feel more content if I could accept that dd is a part of who I am....and let go of any expectations of feeling what other people feel.

Does anyone feel what I do...that perhaps we can overcome dd by thinking differently? Do you think there is more serenity to be gained by accepting the diagnosis, and learning to live with it.

I do need help with this....

Hi Joyous56,

I kind of look at it like this: I can't cure it by thinking differently, but I can help myself deal with it by fighting the negative thoughts that come with it. It's hard; but it helps a little, and I'll take any improvement at all.

Take care,
d

[alexithymia]

For me, there is a fine line between accepting my diagnosis of dysthymic disorder (which might allow me to relax a bit), and continuing to feel that I have control (which allows me to feel hope that I can overcome this).

Even from my Psychiatrist, there is no clarification. Recently he recommended cognitive therapy, which implys that my depression is due to my inaccurate thoughts and feelings, and that by correcting those, I can aleviate my depression.

So how do I know which is which? How much is an illness that is out of my control, and how much is due to the way I think, which theoretically be corrected.

I am concerned that by believing this is within my control, I jeopardize my ability to accept my illness.

Honestly, I would love to believe that I can overcome this. But the fact that I've spent so many years looking for something I could control in this, I'm inclined to belive that acceptance is the key; I know that I would feel more content if I could accept that dd is a part of who I am....and let go of any expectations of feeling what other people feel.

Does anyone feel what I do...that perhaps we can overcome dd by thinking differently? Do you think there is more serenity to be gained by accepting the diagnosis, and learning to live with it.

I do need help with this....

For me, accepting that I had depression was liberating. I could then begin thinking about it as an illness that I had, and stop thinking that it was something wrong with me. I think one of the major problems with chronic depression as opposed to classic depression is that it becomes part of what we think of as our self. People with classic depression want to get back to feeling the way they did before; people with chronic depression have been depressed for so long that we have incorporated it into our view of ourselves, our personalities.

I don't know how effective cognitive behavior therapy is with dysthymic disorder. It has been relatively effective for me. But I am also on antidepressants now, and that has had a huge impact on me and how I view my depression. When I began feeling different on the meds, then it confirmed for me that I really did have an illness, it was a chemical imbalance in my brain. Did my thinking influence my brain, or did my brain influence my thinking? I'll probably never know. But I know the SSRI I take does help to alleviate my depression.

Am I going to have to always take meds? I don't know - maybe. Will the meds and therapy combination get me to the point where I can discontinue the meds? Again, I don't know.

I guess I think that accepting the diagnosis is important, but I don't want to just accept it and try to live with it. That's what I've been doing for some 25 years and it's not working for me anymore. And I also think that I can alleviate my depression by changing the way I think and feel about things. I guess what I'm saying is that acceptance and overcoming go hand in hand and aren't mutually exclusive.

[Reenu]

For me, there is a fine line between accepting my diagnosis of dysthymic disorder (which might allow me to relax a bit), and continuing to feel that I have control (which allows me to feel hope that I can overcome this).

Even from my Psychiatrist, there is no clarification. Recently he recommended cognitive therapy, which implys that my depression is due to my inaccurate thoughts and feelings, and that by correcting those, I can aleviate my depression.

So how do I know which is which? How much is an illness that is out of my control, and how much is due to the way I think, which theoretically be corrected.

I am concerned that by believing this is within my control, I jeopardize my ability to accept my illness.

Honestly, I would love to believe that I can overcome this. But the fact that I've spent so many years looking for something I could control in this, I'm inclined to belive that acceptance is the key; I know that I would feel more content if I could accept that dd is a part of who I am....and let go of any expectations of feeling what other people feel.

Does anyone feel what I do...that perhaps we can overcome dd by thinking differently? Do you think there is more serenity to be gained by accepting the diagnosis, and learning to live with it.

I do need help with this....

For me, accepting that I had depression was liberating. I could then begin thinking about it as an illness that I had, and stop thinking that it was something wrong with me. I think one of the major problems with chronic depression as opposed to classic depression is that it becomes part of what we think of as our self. People with classic depression want to get back to feeling the way they did before; people with chronic depression have been depressed for so long that we have incorporated it into our view of ourselves, our personalities.

I don't know how effective cognitive behavior therapy is with dysthymic disorder. It has been relatively effective for me. But I am also on antidepressants now, and that has had a huge impact on me and how I view my depression. When I began feeling different on the meds, then it confirmed for me that I really did have an illness, it was a chemical imbalance in my brain. Did my thinking influence my brain, or did my brain influence my thinking? I'll probably never know. But I know the SSRI I take does help to alleviate my depression.

Am I going to have to always take meds? I don't know - maybe. Will the meds and therapy combination get me to the point where I can discontinue the meds? Again, I don't know.

I guess I think that accepting the diagnosis is important, but I don't want to just accept it and try to live with it. That's what I've been doing for some 25 years and it's not working for me anymore. And I also think that I can alleviate my depression by changing the way I think and feel about things. I guess what I'm saying is that acceptance and overcoming go hand in hand and aren't mutually exclusive.

Hey Guys,

Over the years I sometimes made efforts to stop myself from feeling depressed. However this did not happen very often as in general I had no hope of reaching happiness.

I tried reading some self-improvement books but stopped it soon. I also tried meditating but it was not going too well for me as my mind was too restless. Regarding sex, drugs and video games many times I tried stopping myself from doing it. This would work sometimes but only at the action level and only for a couple of days at most. Then I would give up and surrender to my desires.

I also tried doing various spiritual practices such as meditation, study of spiritual texts, going to churches or temples. But my interest was short lived and I could not find someone who could answer my queries about life and my predicament as well as help me.

After starting spiritual practice under the guidance of SSRF I started feeling a little better. The main thing was that a lot of my doubts were clarified and I received knowledge I could not find in other places. So because of that my hope increased. I started feeling that there is a purpose in life and my thoughts of committing suicide greatly reduced.

Reenu

[Joyous56]

Welcome Reenu!

I noticed this was your first post; I don't know if you've ever joined an online community like this, but I have found it a great help to communicate with other people who deal with what I deal with. "Normal" people who care, do try to understand, but they are limited by there experience....and it makes me feel worse when I reject there well-meaning but misinformed suggestions. This is a mental illness, and they refuse to see me as mentally ill.

I followed a path much like yours, in that I tried to find comfort in spirituality, in the form of the church I grew up in. But I would cry each time I went to the service, because I did not feel the comfort I thought I was supposed to, and I concluded that I just wasn't good enough.

I tried the self help route, and looked to solve each of the problems I had (negativity, pessimism, isolationism, low-self esteem, no romantic relationships), and religion from the time I was 13 till I was 32. Then my husband left, me with a child under 2, saying he realized he never loved me. I worked as hard on that marriage as I had trying to fix myself. At that time, I regarded it as one more failure - a big one - and I gave up, and gave in to the oblivion I found in alcohol.

I know that I was self-medicating; I knew it all along. I knew it was unhealthy and I knew I was becoming an alcoholic, but I didn't care - drinking was the only thing that allowed me to forget about the fact that I didn't want to do anything, with anybody (or without), and although I kept on working (to live), I was only able to do the absolute minimum. My got smaller and smaller. I drank at home, and mostly just enough to keep a steady buzz going.

I did that for the last 18 years, amidst being the best mother I could be. As my son approached college age, I feared what I would become, with no reason at all, no purpose, for even doing the minimum. So I joined AA. I was sober for a year and then hit a major depression. I tried for six months to continue following the path thoroughly, but I finally gave up. Giving up the drink did not seem to have the same results for me that it did for others; I was not happy, joyous, or free.

So I've been struggling, but I have been drinking. I am on meds, and just started therapy (again), and trying to approach things differently. I am looking into Dual Recovery Anonymous...for people with mental or emotional illness along with an addiction.


OH MY GOD! I didn't mean to answer your post by being "all about me". I'm sorry. I could erase this, but I guess maybe I needed to get it out. I will try in the future to be "more about you"....and I'm glad you're here.

[AngelicKOS-MOS]

I never even knew about DD, but now that I read this, it seems like it makes perfect sense that I might suffer from it. It might not seem like a long time, but for over a year now (i'm barely 20) I have just felt more and more empty, pointless, disconnected and hopeless every day.

Things that I used to love, like Karate (got all the way to my black belt before the disinterest set in), Video games, are suddenly so boring and unenjoyable. I can't get any enjoyment out of anything. Nothing has excited me or done anything else for me except give me something to do for almost 2 years now.

I can't even feel excited when I am interacting with others, I don't feel a connection with anyone anymore. I just feel so distant when talking to anyone else, i just don't care about anything they have to say or any conversation I have anymore.

It's all just something more that I have to drag myself through every freakin' day, all I do is just run through the motions.

I have been perscribed anti-depressents, mood stablizers, sleeping pills, and nothing has helped. I just don't know what to do.

[elizabeth21]

I have never heard of this until I came to this forum. This does sound like what I may have. I've been "depressed" for most of my life - at least the part I can remember. I'm 24 and have been feeling depressed since I was about 13 or so. I'm not good with dates/memory. A lot of really crappy things in my life have happened over the past decade so I guess I've always sort of figured that I had nothing to be happy about so feeling down all the time was normal.

I do have episodes of major depression - usually every couple of months. I know the season change does affect me a lot - so Oct and Nov have always been my worst months.

I'm going to ask my doc about this.

[Joyous56]

I have recently talked to two friends about my dd, and totally independant of each other, I have gotten the same answer.

My spritual friend, who is much into non-attachment, acceptance and loving kindness has suggested that, although I may be depressed (which he acknowledges he has no practical experience of), I may just need to work on accepting that as a fact of my existance on earth. That through acceptance I may be able to live my life in the context of the depression, but not totally as a result of my depression.

Another friend...a 'mother' figure...who knows about all the therapists I have seen, the meds I have tried, and the extensive searching I have engaged in to find some peace....says that all this sounds exhausing to her. That acceptance may be preferable to all my efforts to change, to enlighten myself, to think more positively, to leave my baggage behind.

Perhaps all that I am is in fact the product of my dysthymia, my baggage, and ultimately my life experience. I tend not to think much about my qualities, but more about my deficiencies. Yet....I know that I often bring comfort to others who suffer...because I've been there, and because I am able to express, articulate, and share my experience. I know that I smile, and say 'please', and 'thank you', and 'I appreciate your help' and 'I hope the rest of your day goes better' ...because I have learned empathy as the result of my dd.

And maybe I just need to let go....and accept....and let go of the guilt and the remorse and most of all the feeling that I can control the depression. This is a new idea, but it has been suggested by two people I have tremendous respect forl

I don't change easily, but the idea of acceptance rings true.

Has anyone else experienced accetance of their depression...and if so, how has it worked for you?

Thank you for whatever you can offer..
Joyce

[TwilightZephyr]

Welcome to the site elizabeth1...I think my depression probably set in about that time maybe a few years earlier. It is hard to keep track of things from that long ago though.


Joyous, to me my dysthymia is just like a part of my personality...I have no problem with it...I have learned to accept it...though I think after 15yrs it doesn't really feel like something out of the normal. It doesn't really inhibit any part of my life...but maybe it's because I've learned to work with it. What I do find hard is that the normals downs people have put me further into depression, and more succeptable of easily falling into a major depression...which for me is cause for serious concern. I also think sometimes my normal low masks when I'm sliding down...though I'm getting better at this...I think I've become a little hypervigiliant to this of late though.

I think acceptance is great...it will relieve some stress off of you it sounds like...and hell possibly even lift the depression. Changing the way you think (which is not always easy) is a good way to solve some of the mental issues one has. My only concern would be watching out for any major eps of depression...because I think having dysthymia leaves us more at the risk of having a major ep.

Edited by TwilightZephyr, 22 November 2006 - 03:34 AM.

[Cas]

Hello,

My name is Cas and I just started here on the forums.

I was diagnosed with DD a while back, but frankly, the diagnosis itself meant nothing to me. For some people, just getting a label is enough to get the wheels turning on treatment/recovery, and that is extremely awesome and I'm glad to hear things are working.

For some people, though, the diagnosis only serves to be more confusing. The questions/thoughts that I had in my mind after the diagnosis were something like this:

Okay... so I'm DD... I already knew that, just without the fancy terminology. But what does that really mean? How much of who I am is the DD, and how much is actually ME? Is it my personality that makes me DD, or is my personality like this because of the DD? Is there even a ME underneath the DD, or has it been so deeply engrained in my life that it's shaped a significant portion of who I am?

I suppose the way that I look at it all is this: questions like that will probably always and forever float around in my head, but I don't believe there's really a way to answer them... how is a person to know? Unfortunately, the mind is a gray fog (to me, at least). There is no black and white, no "this chunk of my identity is from the DD, and this chunk over here is who I am uninfluenced by the DD." So for the most part, I kind of just ignore those questions because I have so little energy as it is, why waste it on metaphysical ponderings?

What I have taken from those questions, however, is that there is no chunk of me uninfluenced by the DD. I believe my life is where it is because of having this disorder. Perhaps it would be drastically different without DD, perhaps it wouldn't be too far off. But I can't really know that, can I? Unless you guys are hiding like... a cross-dimensional time machine or something where I can go see alternate universe versions of myself.

Well, are you?

Seriously, though... I suppose you can say that I've accepted DD, not that I'm certain my definition of acceptance is the same as some of you who have asked the question... but what I've basically done is said, "okay, this is who I am... and if this DD really is treatable in some way, then theoretically, I will change during/after treatment... does it particularly matter to me if this change is because of the DD or not? No. What matters to me is whether or not I am a happier and better person after those changes. The other thing that matters to me is whether or I can actually make changes that will move me closer to being my ideal self - the happy, successful, good person that I've built up in my mind."

So I suppose what I'm trying to say, in the end of this long ramble (sorry, I'm not very eloquent), is instead of drowning in the sea of questions that you likely have, try to stop and decide what truly matters to you. I think it will be easier to make sense of it all once you've eliminated the questions that you decide either don't really matter in terms of your goals, or are not worth the effort right now in seeking answers to. The questions that are important to you may or may not be similar to questions that are important to other people, but that doesn't matter in the least. You reaching your goals is what matters most.

I hope that helps in some way... to answer questions or give a new perspective or at least to provide another name with which to relate.

I can't say that my thinking on DD has particularly helped me reach my goals as of yet, but it does help keep me treading the water for now.

Thanks,
Cas

[Areen]

Cas, I'm so glad I ran through your post referring me to this DD link and read through everything here (including your inspiring post of course )... you have no idea! I don't even heard of DD before.

With that said, I feel like all those DD's symptoms are always gonna be a part of me. Like everyone here already said, we can't relate to anyone who said that they want their "old" self back or something like that because we're always be like this... at least for me... since I can't remember! I can't remember how being happy feel like.

Edited by areen_zu, 03 December 2006 - 05:30 PM.

[Cas]

Areen_zu,

I'm very glad my link to this thread helped. I was surprised that nobody had mentioned DD in that other thread; perhaps it's not as well-known as I think. I am a psychology major, so I'm surrounded by people that know a lot about abnormal psychology. That sort of throws me off a bit. I've also never really talked to many other people that had similar problems to me, so these forums are throwing me for a loop too in some ways. I'm not really quite sure what may be right to say and what may not be.

I am also in that category of not being able to say "I wish I was my old self," because I can't remember when I wasn't my DD self. What I can say, though, from time to time, is "I wish I was myself when I am happy." But for me, that occurs so sporadically that I can't even pin down what it is that makes me happy. Sometimes I think, "I am happy in this situation right now," but later, if I find myself in that situation again, I may not be happy. In fact, I may be even less happy than I was when I started because I had that hope that it would make me happy again, and then I have to face the disappointment that it didn't.

Does that happen to anyone else? Specifically, do you find yourself in a happy situation and you think you know what factor or factors in that situation are making you happy... and then later you find that those same factor or factors don't make you happy for some reason?

I have this very lost feeling... that I don't know what to do with myself because I gain and lose interests so quickly. I know a symptom of depression in general is inability to concentrate/focus and losing interest in things I once found interest in... but for some reason that's not very comforting.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

Thanks for listening,
Cas

[Joyous56]

I am also in that category of not being able to say "I wish I was my old self," because I can't remember when I wasn't my DD self. What I can say, though, from time to time, is "I wish I was myself when I am happy." But for me, that occurs so sporadically that I can't even pin down what it is that makes me happy. Sometimes I think, "I am happy in this situation right now," but later, if I find myself in that situation again, I may not be happy. In fact, I may be even less happy than I was when I started because I had that hope that it would make me happy again, and then I have to face the disappointment that it didn't.

Does that happen to anyone else? Specifically, do you find yourself in a happy situation and you think you know what factor or factors in that situation are making you happy... and then later you find that those same factor or factors don't make you happy for some reason?

I have this very lost feeling... that I don't know what to do with myself because I gain and lose interests so quickly. I know a symptom of depression in general is inability to concentrate/focus and losing interest in things I once found interest in... but for some reason that's not very comforting.

Cas..I know what you are talking about. Exactly. It's like when someone asks me...or suggests that I do....things I'm interested in, or that make me happy...I can't come up with anything that fits in those categories. Because like you said...there are things that made me happy once...but not again. It could well be that when I did it 'again' the dd had an influence...but I'm not sure.

I don't know about your experience...but another problem is that I find that I don't follow through with many things because eventually my depression worsens and I don't enjoy it anymore. So, I feel like I have failed at too many things. And as a result of that...I tend not to pursue new interests, because I don't have much confidence in my ability to succeed...or even follow through.

I thought it might be ADD (and maybe it is), and I went for an evaluation...told I have SEVERE ADD...but I'm not sure I believe that. These therapists, tho well meaning, have very little practical, direct experience of dd...or maybe ADD for that matter. And of course, the ADD specialist may have an ulterior motive of wanting to treat me for...oh, month$ or year$. Am I cynical? You betcha...

The mind is an interesting thing. I sure wish someone understood it and could help me. In the meantime, I think we're on our own.
Joyce

[Areen]

I am also in that category of not being able to say "I wish I was my old self," because I can't remember when I wasn't my DD self. What I can say, though, from time to time, is "I wish I was myself when I am happy." But for me, that occurs so sporadically that I can't even pin down what it is that makes me happy. Sometimes I think, "I am happy in this situation right now," but later, if I find myself in that situation again, I may not be happy. In fact, I may be even less happy than I was when I started because I had that hope that it would make me happy again, and then I have to face the disappointment that it didn't.

Does that happen to anyone else? Specifically, do you find yourself in a happy situation and you think you know what factor or factors in that situation are making you happy... and then later you find that those same factor or factors don't make you happy for some reason?

I have this very lost feeling... that I don't know what to do with myself because I gain and lose interests so quickly. I know a symptom of depression in general is inability to concentrate/focus and losing interest in things I once found interest in... but for some reason that's not very comforting.

Cas..I know what you are talking about. Exactly. It's like when someone asks me...or suggests that I do....things I'm interested in, or that make me happy...I can't come up with anything that fits in those categories. Because like you said...there are things that made me happy once...but not again. It could well be that when I did it 'again' the dd had an influence...but I'm not sure.

I don't know about your experience...but another problem is that I find that I don't follow through with many things because eventually my depression worsens and I don't enjoy it anymore. So, I feel like I have failed at too many things. And as a result of that...I tend not to pursue new interests, because I don't have much confidence in my ability to succeed...or even follow through.

I thought it might be ADD (and maybe it is), and I went for an evaluation...told I have SEVERE ADD...but I'm not sure I believe that. These therapists, tho well meaning, have very little practical, direct experience of dd...or maybe ADD for that matter. And of course, the ADD specialist may have an ulterior motive of wanting to treat me for...oh, month$ or year$. Am I cynical? You betcha...

The mind is an interesting thing. I sure wish someone understood it and could help me. In the meantime, I think we're on our own.
Joyce

Omg!!! I can relate to both of you there VERY much, you have no idea! I couldn't explain it better... thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone. That's very comforting, at least a little.

And, to answer your question there Cas... YES! All the time!

Edited by Areen, 10 January 2007 - 08:59 PM.