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I Feel Rejected And Alone


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#1 Shaggy81

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 01:02 AM

I have had problems with depression off and on pretty much my whole life. My home life as a kid was very unstable. My mom and dad fought alot and I never had a close relationship with either of my parents.
My mom was manic depressive and when I was a kid she would hallucinate and hear voices. She had a nervous break
down at 26 and had to be temporarily institutionalized. Later on when I was in third grade she burned our house down.


As for my dad he never played with me, never hugged me, we were basically two strangers who lived in the same house. I never felt wanted or loved by him at all. He never abused me but the little interaction I did have with him as a kid was mostly negative. He was always quick to criticize and slow to praise. I never felt comfortable talking to him about anything as a kid for fear he'd yell at me. So I decided from a very young age that it was up to me to solve my own problems seeing as how I couldn't depend on anyone else to be there for me. When a boy is growing up he needs the love and affirmation of his dad. I never got that and now I feel like there's a big gaping hole inside me.


On top of that I was bullied really bad in school by my male peers to the point that I came to
hate school. I was always a sensitive guy so I was frequently the one singled out. That just reinforced my
distrust and fear of other guys and served to make me feel even more isolated and alone. Every place I turned,
it seemed nobody wanted me. It was only after my parents divorced and I came to live with my grandma that I felt for the first time that somebody really loved me.


I'm 29 now and still have battles with depression and loneliness. It may sound silly but even now when I see a dad rough housing and being affectionate with his young son or if I see a group of guys laughing
and interacting with each other it hurts because i've never had that. I feel utterly cut off from other guys. Sometimes I think i'd give almost anything for just
one close guy friend to talk to.


Everybody's comments are welcome but I'd especially like to know if there's any guys on here who
can relate with what i'm talking about.

Edited by lindahurt, 29 January 2011 - 02:07 AM.


#2 lindahurt

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 02:12 AM

:welcomeani: Hello Shaggy81 and Welcome to DF. I'm sorry for that you never receive the love and affection that parents should give to their children. You are among many members that can identify and relate to you and I hope find some friends here. Continue to share and vent out because we are here to listen and offer you support. Please check out the other forums. There are resources I think you will find helpful. Please make yourself comfortable and let us hear more from you.

Lindahurt
Even in the most horrific of situations, one's attitude has an enormous role in shaping what happens ~ Viktor Frankl
In you lies the power to choose, to commit - Stephen Convey

 
The kind of person you want to become is greatly influence by your inner decisions, and not from outside influence alone. We can even under adverse circumstances, decide what shall become of us ~ Brian C. Stiller



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#3 BetterOff

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 03:58 AM

Hello, I can *totally* relate, my dad never did *anything* with me, he just drank, watched TV and beat the wife and kids. Fortunately my sister and I supported each other with both a crazy mom and a paranoid schizophrenic dad who should have been hospitalized but alas, he was the only bread winner for the family. Mom had very bad mental issues and was constantly hospitalized and went through shock treatments and Dad, was like we didnt exist except to kick around, beat around and only indulged in his drinking and watching TV and fishing on weekends. I stopped going fishing with him as he was so selfish about his own gratifications that I could tell I was just there to listen to him and frankly as a 9 year old I didnt need to listen to all of his paranoid schizophrenic complaints about how the world was out to get him, work was out to get him, Mom was out to get him and how us kids were out to get him...
Anyway, I degress, I sent you a PM to establish a friendship if you feel so inclined. it will show as a little red box at the upper right hand corner if you wish to chat. I am very supportive and positive in my responses, so if you want to chat through PM and vent or ask questions please feel free to do so, I left a little advice for you and gave a little more background into what i went through as a kid and a Dad who I dont think ever wanted a child in the first place (i.e. responsibility) and I know he freaked out when I was born because it was *another* responsibility that he didnt want.

So I feel I can totally relate to your issues. There are lots of ways you can overcome your issues, even therapy is good for you, but other ways also.
Hope my invitation explained why I am on DF alot and what I am coping with right now. So I gave you a bit of background in the PM on my issues also.
Anyway its late, gotta go, have a good night and good luck and best wishes...
Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#4 Roche Runo

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 02:57 PM

Hello Shaggy

I know exactly how you feel. I spent years hoping the somehow I would get that desired relationship with my father. It took me years to realize that my dad would never be that. He just did not know how to relate to kids. His own father was the same.

I found out to late that my fear of him was a roadblock. His inablity and my fear made it impossilbe for us to be close.

Through therapy I realized that lack of relationship has been an contributing factor to my depression and I never learned some needed lifeskills to help me succeed in life.

Though we did see each other once or twice a year, it was never just the two of us.

And I had no fond memories of him.

Finally, I work up the courage to talk to him about my being ill. And that one of the steps to getting better, was I needed some good memories of him. He agreed and we were able to fit in 2 breakfast meetings. Just him and I. He opened up and talked. I did the same. I then moved out of the city to be near my own grandchildren. He helped me moved when a friend back out on me. Of course he Biotched and complained the whole way. He passed away a year later and I am happy that I have those two memories of just him and me. Sadly furneral preparations revealed things that caused me to forever see him in a light as just a stranger. But I dont regret those two times.

I don't know if this will help you.
I do know from my aunt that he really enjoyed the conversations and was glad I called him up.
An all though he never said it to me, he told my aunt how proud he was of me that I was able to raise my own kids as a single father and that I was a good and caring man. It was the only thing he ever found in me to be proud of as our personalites were so different.

I sincerely hope that somehow you will be able to come to terms with your relationship with your father. Not doing so could, not saying it will, have a deep impact on your emotional health. It was a major part of mine.

Feel free to contact me if you need someone to share dad's stories with.

#5 Shaggy81

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 05:24 PM

Thanks alot everybody for sharing your experiences. I think this forum will be a big help to
me. It's amazing how just talking to someone else can make you feel better. No wonder
psychiatrists are paid so well. I feel much more comfortable sharing on here than I would
with somebody face to face. I'm always afraid if I talk openly about my problems with someone
in person that i'll come across as this poor pathetic guy that deserves other peoples' pity
and I don't want that. I don't want to feel like a charity case. I think that's a lot of the reason I like these forums because of that certain degree of anonymity. There's no pressure
that way.

#6 MrSandman

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 06:27 PM

Shaggy, don't feel so bad about your dad. My dad and I never had a relationship. I hardly even saw him after my parents divorced. Then, I moved away on a bus when I was 18 to just get away from my family. They caused me so much pain as a child. I was an only child too! I always felt like a burden on my single mother who was trying to date. I NEVER felt wanted ever as a child/teen. So I left home at 18 and never came home (To live) I think I was punishing them. I talk to both my mother and father from time to time but will never forget my childhood.

I was always bullied horribly too! I got beat up all the time and made fun of. My childhood was just terrible for me. I never even had close friends. I had some friends but I was more the outcast of the group and they would often do things without me and I would find out about later. I just isolated most of my youth.

I later found out that I was a really good football player. In high school, I was one of the best in the region. You would think that that would make things better... No it made it worse, it put me in the spotlight so to say. Here I was this football star, very good looking young man that did not have any close friends or a girlfriend. My experiences with females were 10 times worse than with men if you could believe it. I would always almost fall madly in love with a girl that dated me for a few weeks and it would freak them out. It was terrible, so I just isolated most of HS and was made fun of by most of my teammates. If I screwed up in a game and did something wrong, I would cry and embarass myself. Everyone would just ask, what is wrong with that kid? What's his problem? Depression... And still to this day, i struggle with all the same things that I did in HS. I have no friends, I isolate in my Apt. and I just freaked a woman out a month ago! She really liked me too! I'm 32 years old now, you would think I would learn how to behave at this point. I just can't do it, my emotions always get the best of me.

But it's funny you mentioned a p-doc. I am going to the doctor on Wed. to get a referal. I have given up on trying to work out these issues myself. I'm gonna try and talk these issues out with one and get an anxiety med/AD. Hope it works, because right now, I'm in agony.

If you need someone to talk too, Ill always be happy to buddy.

#7 Steveab63

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 10:07 PM

HI Shaggy,

Yup, here's another one. My mom was in and out of mental wards all of my life. When I was young my dad was trying to hold everything together, and I felt loved by him, but we never really did anything together like play ball in the backyard or anything like that. Maybe its because I was THE midlife crisis, and my parents were older that some kid's parents. My sister was 10 years older, so I didn't have much of a relationship with her either. When I was in high school, which was pure hell by the way, my dad's drinking got pretty out of hand. He'd drink from the time he got home 4:30 ish, until 11 pm, and it was alcohol. He would lecture me for hours each night.....about what I don't know. The message I got though was that I was doing everything wrong, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and would never amount to anything. As far as ever being encouraged by either parent to do anything, it never happened. If it were not for my grandmother, who I only saw a couple of weeks a year, I'd probably be a psychopath or something. She was more of a parent to me than anyone. She even threw the ball around with me, and she was in her 60's then.

I remember going to friend's houses and their family was happy and joking around and laughing, and I couldn't believe people lived like that. In our house you could either hear a pin drop, or someone was yelling.
Sorry, got carried away there....anyway, we can relate, you're certainly not alone. Stay in touch.
Steve

#8 pharm30

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 10:15 PM

I have had problems with depression off and on pretty much my whole life. My home life as a kid was very unstable. My mom and dad fought alot and I never had a close relationship with either of my parents.
My mom was manic depressive and when I was a kid she would hallucinate and hear voices. She had a nervous break
down at 26 and had to be temporarily institutionalized. Later on when I was in third grade she burned our house down.


As for my dad he never played with me, never hugged me, we were basically two strangers who lived in the same house. I never felt wanted or loved by him at all. He never abused me but the little interaction I did have with him as a kid was mostly negative. He was always quick to criticize and slow to praise. I never felt comfortable talking to him about anything as a kid for fear he'd yell at me. So I decided from a very young age that it was up to me to solve my own problems seeing as how I couldn't depend on anyone else to be there for me. When a boy is growing up he needs the love and affirmation of his dad. I never got that and now I feel like there's a big gaping hole inside me.


On top of that I was bullied really bad in school by my male peers to the point that I came to
hate school. I was always a sensitive guy so I was frequently the one singled out. That just reinforced my
distrust and fear of other guys and served to make me feel even more isolated and alone. Every place I turned,
it seemed nobody wanted me. It was only after my parents divorced and I came to live with my grandma that I felt for the first time that somebody really loved me.


I'm 29 now and still have battles with depression and loneliness. It may sound silly but even now when I see a dad rough housing and being affectionate with his young son or if I see a group of guys laughing
and interacting with each other it hurts because i've never had that. I feel utterly cut off from other guys. Sometimes I think i'd give almost anything for just
one close guy friend to talk to.


Everybody's comments are welcome but I'd especially like to know if there's any guys on here who
can relate with what i'm talking about.


I can relate, you can come hang out with me.

#9 Shaggy81

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Posted 30 January 2011 - 01:31 PM

MrSandman you mentioned your parents divorcing, you know it may sound weird but
I think my parents divorcing was one of the best things that ever happened to
me as a kid because it got me out of the turbulent home life I was in.
I went to live with my grandma when I was 7 or 8 and my quality of life
improved immensely. I knew that I had finally found my safe haven.
I still had to put up with the crap of being bullied at school but
at least my home life was better.

Athletics is one thing you and I differed in. In school I was the overweight
and uncoordinated kid who stunk at sports and had no interest in playing them.
I was painfully self concious about my body and about performing in front
of others but when you're in school your personal comfort makes no difference.
You're basically a prisoner who has to participate no matter how much you hate it
or how much the other kids make fun of you. Needless to say I was overjoyed
to graduate from high school and get away from there.


Steve my dad didn't have to be drunk to ridicule me. I think it just came
naturally to him. To hear him tell it I could never do anything right.
Even now as an adult I have major issues with confidence in my own abilities.
Especially when trying to tackle a new project that i've never done before.
I usually get discouraged before I ever start because I assume I don't have
what it takes to get the job done anyway so why even try.
As a kid when my dad would point out everything I was doing wrong it made me
feel totally incompetent, stupid even. I guess i've carried that over into
adulthood. I suppose deep down I figure that if my dad didn't believe in
me then why should i believe in myself.

When you're a boy growing up and you're trying to find your place in the
world and trying to figure out what being male is all about there is
something very emasculating about having a dad who never encourages you
in anything but rather criticizes every move you make.

#10 Celticman

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 06:59 AM

Hi Shaggy

I'm a guy too from down under - Australia. Looking back I wish my parents did divorce but no they were good catholics. I only got 'crumbs' of 'love' if that make sense. My parents were emotionally unavailable when i was a kid. I felt unwanted and unloved. I hate my childhood. And I don't seem to be able to escape it as it follow me around today with triggers. And memories that keep popping up it's awful. I've had the therapy and the meds. Therapy was revealing since i found out that I felt abandoned emotionally and I was alone. I'm 37 now and still find it hard to open up emotionally to my girlfriend. I have big issues with women. Anyway I'm happy to stay in contact with you.

#11 agonyme

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 07:03 PM

me too guys the same feelings and similar experiences i am not gonna go into details about my childhood and teenage cuz i walked the same path sandman shaggy and other guys walked maybe even worth
i am 27 years old man feels old empty as hell and lonely to the point of freezing inside

#12 Unicles

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 08:36 PM

Just wanted to add myself to the list of people that can relate. My story is very similar.

#13 Nadine25

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Posted 06 February 2011 - 08:13 PM

It may sound silly but even now when I see a dad rough housing and being affectionate with his young son or if I see a group of guys laughing
and interacting with each other it hurts because i've never had that. I feel utterly cut off from other guys. Sometimes I think i'd give almost anything for just
one close guy friend to talk to.


Wow. I understand how you feel so completely. I don't have a father. I mean I do, but I never met him because he apparently wants nothing to do with me.....anyway throughout my childhood this hasn't bothered me at all. Then, all of a sudden one day when I was on the train, I saw this man and his daughter (who just so happened to look like me when I was five). He was teaching her things and being so patient and nice and "fatherly"....... and I wanted that SO MUCH...Like really I'm crying right now just remembering it.
And when it comes to relationships with peers....In elementary school everyone ignored me. I had no friends. But in junior high, all of a sudden I had lots of friends who liked me and wanted to talk to me. But right after junior high we all went to different schools and lost touch.(By the way, I'm 19 and graduated junior high 6 years ago) A few months ago I found them all through facebook and...it's like.....they dont want to be friends again. Like "Oh I remember when that happened. lol. we were like bestest friends. wasn't that great.....but I'm too busy with school/boyfriend/work/whatever to spend time with you." Which makes me feel like it was all fake and they never really liked me. It hurts and I feel so pathetic. The same thing happened recently. I made a bunch of female friends and now we don't talk. I'll reach out to them and they act really distant. (and for some reason or another can't spend time with me).
Anyway, I just feel so lonely, like there's no one who cares. But I don't understand why. most of the people I meet seem to like me and think I'm a great person. But they don't want to be friends with me. And when I do make a friend, one of us moves or changes schools or changes jobs and they become distant and I feel like they just spoke to and hung out with me because I was "there". Which gives me a sort of "used" feeling.
Sorry I'm sort of rambling. When I read you're post i just thought like "wow, someone actually feels like I do"

#14 chumly

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Posted 06 February 2011 - 09:19 PM

I have had problems with depression off and on pretty much my whole life. My home life as a kid was very unstable. My mom and dad fought alot and I never had a close relationship with either of my parents.
My mom was manic depressive and when I was a kid she would hallucinate and hear voices. She had a nervous break
down at 26 and had to be temporarily institutionalized. Later on when I was in third grade she burned our house down.


As for my dad he never played with me, never hugged me, we were basically two strangers who lived in the same house. I never felt wanted or loved by him at all. He never abused me but the little interaction I did have with him as a kid was mostly negative. He was always quick to criticize and slow to praise. I never felt comfortable talking to him about anything as a kid for fear he'd yell at me. So I decided from a very young age that it was up to me to solve my own problems seeing as how I couldn't depend on anyone else to be there for me. When a boy is growing up he needs the love and affirmation of his dad. I never got that and now I feel like there's a big gaping hole inside me.


On top of that I was bullied really bad in school by my male peers to the point that I came to
hate school. I was always a sensitive guy so I was frequently the one singled out. That just reinforced my
distrust and fear of other guys and served to make me feel even more isolated and alone. Every place I turned,
it seemed nobody wanted me. It was only after my parents divorced and I came to live with my grandma that I felt for the first time that somebody really loved me.


I'm 29 now and still have battles with depression and loneliness. It may sound silly but even now when I see a dad rough housing and being affectionate with his young son or if I see a group of guys laughing
and interacting with each other it hurts because i've never had that. I feel utterly cut off from other guys. Sometimes I think i'd give almost anything for just
one close guy friend to talk to.


Everybody's comments are welcome but I'd especially like to know if there's any guys on here who
can relate with what i'm talking about.


I am so terribly sorry that you are feeling the way that you do!

Even though I am a 41 year old female I can totally relate in alot of ways to the way you feel.

Both of my parents had no business whatsoever having kids! I think this is one of the main reasons that I have chosen not to have any kids myself now. It is really one,if not the most important jobs in the world and it would seem that so many in this world are just are not qualified for the job..at least in my opinion anyway.

Although I would not categorize my situation as child abuse there was certainly neglect going on. My father had mental problems and my mother suffered from depression but never seeked help with it.

My mom was never the typical mom that I always wanted to have. She was always confrontational and liked to argue about politics with people. My father and mom divorced when I was young and my dad was mentally disturbed. He spent more time frequenting prostitutes than anything else. They were both very embarrassing to me!

I envy people with seemingly nice parents and to this day I continue to search for the mom that I never had through boyfriends moms and I still have not found her.

I especially feel sad at Christmas time.

You sound as though you are doing great with yourself despite your situation!

It is great that you have such a wonderful grandmother!!

I have found some relief through antidepressents and learning that many people have been brought up in much worse situations than mine and have still found happiness.

Maybe there are some self help books you can read on the subject.

Edited by chumly, 06 February 2011 - 09:30 PM.





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