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It Feels Like My Life Is Over, And There's No Way Out..


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#1 breakfastclub5

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 02:01 PM

Ok I need you to read the following stuff, coz it's probably all linked: basically I am 19 and seriously messed up, I never asked to be but that's just the way things happen and things are getting kinda desperate now.. as a kid I guess I was fine, but when I was 11 and went to my next school it was terrible; I was very shy and was terrible at talking to new people, I became very withdrawn very quickly, and sort of just drifted through school completely hating it.

And a major thing that links in with my school experience was what happened when I hit puberty, I started to get turned on by violent thoughts of females, like seriously violent sexual thoughts - I didn't ask to feel turned on by this stuff but it just happened, and it's eaten away at me and made me feel so bad about myself. I'd never hurt anyone, but still these thoughts distress me and make me feel like a very bad person, and like I can't connect properly with other people.

I went to college at 16 and things basically carried on the same way, I was depressed, didn't make any effort, felt sad a lot - then afterward went to university at 18 and things got really messed up - I bought a load of recreational pills and ended up taking them all (I wasn't trying to **** myself, I was just very stupid and trying to escape from myself) - I think the pills had ecstasy/LSD/real bad stuff in them and basically I took them, felt good for a little bit and then lost the plot - time stopped, my head felt like it was gonna explode and I almost killed myself to make it stop. I got taken to the hospital and then discharged but I was a suicidal mess for about 6 months and it was horrific. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on sertraline and I dropped out of Uni and came home to my parents.

I got put on 100 mg of sertraline and then by May 2010 I was better and I decided things had to change, I was actually gonna live my life and make an effort. the period may - october was the happiest I've ever felt in my entire life - I volunteered, got two jobs, went to france, festivals, made loads of new friends, cornwall and had a total blast, and decided I was gonna go to australia in january, and also reapply to uni. I lowered my meds to 50mg in october because it seemed like the right thing to do. But then in November things started going wrong, I started to lose interest in things again, and then suddenly I had a total freakout and felt the worse I'd felt since april, then in a panic I started taking 100mg again .. I've tried to carry on but things have gone totally downhill - not being able to concentrate, feeling like I want to die, not being able to take pleasure from anything, my violent sexual thoughts making me despise myself, headaches, feeling panicky, feeling like I don't deserve to live, and feeling that the lsd/ecstasy thing has come back to haunt me etc.

I went and saw my doctor again the other week and told him how I was feeling and he's now got me on 150 mg of sertraline, and he's signed me off my two part time jobs for two weeks and he's put in a note to the local mental health centre. I'm sat here now in my room feeling like i'm dead on the inside, feeling like i'm going crazy, disorientated and not being able to see anyway out of this..

Am I feeling this way because my lsd/ecstasy thing happened around the same time, is it because it's winter, because i've always been naturally depressed, because i've been smoking filter (I've stopped now and havent smoked for over three weeks), is it because I deserve this and should just **** myself?

sorry if this is a lot to take in, but everything is black, and my life seems like it is over... I'm posting just coz I guess this is the best place to talk about this stuff?....

#2 emmaholson

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 02:31 PM

I'm glad you went in to see your doctor and he adjusted your meds...it sounds like you responded well to them and I hope that they help you this time around as well. Depression and anxiety can last a lifetime, coming and going at various points in time and it sounds like you are going through it right now. You are doing all the right things and need to COMMEND yourself for that....seeing your doctor, taking a leave of absence, stopping the filter smoking, and reaching out to the DF. I am going thru a major depression right now and can relate to your dark feelings. I don't have any miracle advice for you except to say that you are on the right path....be gentle with yourself and if you haven't looked into psychotherapy yet, do so. It would help you tremendously to walk thru your landscape since childhood and maybe put you in touch with some of the feelings you are feeling today. Thinking of you and hoping your pain goes away soon.....
Emma

#3 breakfastclub5

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 03:22 PM

I'm glad you went in to see your doctor and he adjusted your meds...it sounds like you responded well to them and I hope that they help you this time around as well. Depression and anxiety can last a lifetime, coming and going at various points in time and it sounds like you are going through it right now. You are doing all the right things and need to COMMEND yourself for that....seeing your doctor, taking a leave of absence, stopping the filter smoking, and reaching out to the DF. I am going thru a major depression right now and can relate to your dark feelings. I don't have any miracle advice for you except to say that you are on the right path....be gentle with yourself and if you haven't looked into psychotherapy yet, do so. It would help you tremendously to walk thru your landscape since childhood and maybe put you in touch with some of the feelings you are feeling today. Thinking of you and hoping your pain goes away soon.....


Thanks for replying, psychotherapy is my next stop, I have an appointment with a mental health person next week and hopefully they can help me, I guess what makes my situation even harder is the fact that I had a really bad experience with drugs (and I just can't seem to move on from the incident), i'm afraid that people on this forum are going to reject me because of that. And also that people on this forum will reject because of the 'violence' issues I mentioned. But ya, I hope you make it through whatever you're feeling at the moment as well, and thanks for the reply.



#4 dmc

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 04:15 PM

No, your behaviour and drug taking did not cause the depression. Because of pre-existing condition you were subconsciously attracted to things to relieve you from your reality and your condition. I was shy as a teenager. i took drugs because I felt so s*** and awkward, and drugs helped me relax and got me high so I forgot about being shy and withdrawn and sad etc. for a little while. I am still trying to deal with my unipolar disorder. It is part of me. It makes me make the decisions I make and shapes my personality. I just have to start thinking about the pros rather than the cons. I like art, graphics, design, computer animation [well when I'm on form and motivated I like to do these things] Alot of people with creative inclinations for example have some sort of depression condition . It sort of comes with the package. I try to think that it helps me see things that others wouldn't

#5 breakfastclub5

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 04:52 PM

No, your behaviour and drug taking did not cause the depression. Because of pre-existing condition you were subconsciously attracted to things to relieve you from your reality and your condition. I was shy as a teenager. i took drugs because I felt so s*** and awkward, and drugs helped me relax and got me high so I forgot about being shy and withdrawn and sad etc. for a little while. I am still trying to deal with my unipolar disorder. It is part of me. It makes me make the decisions I make and shapes my personality. I just have to start thinking about the pros rather than the cons. I like art, graphics, design, computer animation [well when I'm on form and motivated I like to do these things] Alot of people with creative inclinations for example have some sort of depression condition . It sort of comes with the package. I try to think that it helps me see things that others wouldn't


dmc I guess you're right, I can see that I share similarities with you: I'm very creative musically and I love writing songs and coming up with lyrics (well not the way i'm feeling now obviously) and think that my love of music could really take me places... but I don't know about you, but the way I feel at the moment it feels like my personality has been taken away, I can't write songs properly coz I feel so bad, and it seems now like the depression isn't shaping me, it's breaking me. And i'm trying to hang onto the positives, but the negatives have pushed me over the edge into this black hole of misery, and atm it's sure as hell not helping me to 'see things that others wouldn't' as you said. :/ I'm just hoping I can see the light again, and thanks for the reply dude.

#6 dmc

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Posted 17 January 2011 - 03:42 AM

I know how you feel about not being able to write stuff/make music. I have a similar situation with my art/animation ambitions. i have a lovely Apple Mac pro with a big widescreen. Sometimes at night i just re arrange the folders on the desktop or spend hours changing the icons or other pointless activities. Sometimes I make lists of things to do, like spreadsheets. 2-3 years ago i set myself a task and while I didn't put any time limit really on it and wasn't sure when i'd consider it completed, or at least when I'd consider what i set out to do somewhat accomplished, I completed it to a what I feel is a satisfactory stage. I did this by making loads of spreadsheets tracking progress of each bit/task and listing things to do as I went along. The accomplished parts were then highlighted in green and the ones still to do were in red, so i had a clear visual representation of my progress. This might help with writing a song or songs/making music. Write the lyrics, mess around with different arrangements on your instrument[s] and/or recording software etc. Everything is rough work and everything counts towards your final achievement. And you will feel you have achieved something. i did feel like that, and I have to keep telling myself that, because 1 or 2 people shot me down when they saw my work. I know in the real world you have to take criticism, etc but i was thinking is it really that bad?? or is this person realy jealous that i have achieved this on my own. It was more of a personal journey for me, a self affirmation of my other abilities. really I shouldn't care what others think.
The whole commercial/working world is all based on what other people think of you or your work, but if you can get it so that you are not dependant on anyone else and your work speaks for itself, such as in creative pursuits, I think that is the best way

here is the link of the small animation I made after teaching myself computer animation - i hope maybe my situation will inspire you to not give up. It's ok to have times when you feel uninpired, and nothings coming out. I had loads of those days while making this :

"Please PM Member for Link"

Edited by Trace, 18 January 2011 - 05:11 AM.
Link Removed as per TOS


#7 dmc

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Posted 18 January 2011 - 02:08 PM

hope your still there breakfastclub5. sorry didn't I realise my last post could have been a bit annoying. it annoys me reading it now. I guess that was what i was thinking at that moment i wrote it. see, my moods fluctuate wildly. Sometimes i don't even know why i come out with the stuff i do

#8 dmc

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Posted 18 January 2011 - 07:53 PM

sorry again. I don't like it when people go on about themselves, which is exactly what i did.

What i should have said was for you to try not to worry about lacking drive or the will to go on.

Do things in tiny steps, whatever those things or personal goals are, and each completed step will make you feel a little better, and good that you can achieve things, and things are not pointless, and you deserve to feel happy and fulfilled just like anyone else in this world

again, sorry for rambling on about myself earlier

#9 breakfastclub5

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Posted 19 January 2011 - 10:44 AM

sorry again. I don't like it when people go on about themselves, which is exactly what i did.

What i should have said was for you to try not to worry about lacking drive or the will to go on.

Do things in tiny steps, whatever those things or personal goals are, and each completed step will make you feel a little better, and good that you can achieve things, and things are not pointless, and you deserve to feel happy and fulfilled just like anyone else in this world

again, sorry for rambling on about myself earlier


Dude don't apologise for anything, I'm glad you actually bothered to take the time to write all your thoughts down - I've been trying over the past two days to do my best, but I just can't stop my head from twisting and turning .. I've gone back to work this week and I've gone swimming and cycling, but my head is just such a mess, I hope I can hold it together ><

#10 dmc

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Posted 19 January 2011 - 03:57 PM

Hey that's cool. no worries. If you don't mind me asking does work affect your spirits much and how do you cope with that. Would you prefer to be doing something else?




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