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Raskolnikov

"you Don't Talk Much, Do You?"

60 posts in this topic

Posted

Ahhhh. Yes. I have been reminded throughout my life that I do not "talk much". Lately I have been wondering why I do not like to speak as much as the "average" homo sapien, and I have reached a few possibilities to explain why. I have known for a long time that I have certain social phobias when it comes to speaking to people in my age group. I feel that I have little or absolutely nothing in common with them, which makes it extremely difficult to have a meaningful conversation. I know that not ALL twenty-somethings love and obsess over MTV and ipods and iphones and i-this-es and i-thats and new fashion styles and reality TV. However, I find it increasingly difficult to find anyone who is not hooked on some pop culture fad; someone who could have a conversation with me about something more tangible, more meaningful and lasting than a fleeting, momentary commercial fancy of a generation of consumers.

So, in short, whenever I have a conversation with someone, I feel like I am in a different plane of existence than they are.

Also, I have found that I DESPISE it when people interrupt each other, and interrupt me. I think this may be in part due to my OCD, but I still just can't stand it. I feel like saying, "Oh, I'm sorry; I had three more words left to say to finish my thought outloud. You have something to say that is so important you couldn't let me say my final three words?" I find it incredibly rude to interrupt someone when they are talking. And yes, I know most people aren't trying to interrupt on purpose to make someone angry. I know I take it more personally than most people do, because when I am interrupted or cut-off, I feel like the person who did it is saying, "I have no more attention span to hear you finish" or "I really need to change the subject because you are SO boring" or "You are just not important enough to listen to, so I'm going to use this time for something else...anything else". And yes, I have talked to people about how I feel bad when they excessively interrupt me, and I have also asked them if I interrupt them often when they speak, and they always tell me that I do not. I feel it's a good idea to treat others as you would like to be treated (or, at least, try your very hardest), so I have gone out of my way to not interrupt people when they are talking. If I do interrupt someone, I apologize for doing so, and ask them to continue what they were saying.

I guess, in short...I don't talk a lot because I either have nothing to contribute to an uninteresting conversation topic; and furthermore, even if I did have something to contribute, I would get cut-off in mid-sentence and everyone would comepletely forget that I even started to talk in the first place.

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Posted (edited)

Also, I have found that I DESPISE it when people interrupt each other, and interrupt me. I think this may be in part due to my OCD, but I still just can't stand it. I feel like saying, "Oh, I'm sorry; I had three more words left to say to finish my thought outloud. You have something to say that is so important you couldn't let me say my final three words?" I find it incredibly rude to interrupt someone when they are talking. And yes, I know most people aren't trying to interrupt on purpose to make someone angry. I know I take it more personally than most people do, because when I am interrupted or cut-off, I feel like the person who did it is saying, "I have no more attention span to hear you finish" or "I really need to change the subject because you are SO boring" or "You are just not important enough to listen to, so I'm going to use this time for something else...anything else". And yes, I have talked to people about how I feel bad when they excessively interrupt me, and I have also asked them if I interrupt them often when they speak, and they always tell me that I do not. I feel it's a good idea to treat others as you would like to be treated (or, at least, try your very hardest), so I have gone out of my way to not interrupt people when they are talking. If I do interrupt someone, I apologize for doing so, and ask them to continue what they were saying.

This, exactly. My mom does this to me all the freaking time! And it :censored: me off to no end. It's like, am I really that boring? Or, sorry, I guess my opinion isn't important. (note heavy sarcasm) And I have asked her not to do this but she still does it, she'll even speak for me when I don't carry on a conversation or don't respond appropriatley because I can't follow 'social etiquette'. I just let her talk. If she wants to blab then she can blab. And I also don't interrupt people, and she's even told me to interrupt if I have something to say, but I never do because I consider it rude. Everyone should have a chance to talk without interuption.

It also :censored: me off when I'm interrupted because then I lose the desire to say what I was going to say, then when they finally ask me I just say nevermind because I've lost my desire to speak.

Edited by DarkRain

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Posted

I tend to be very shy, especially around people I don't know. The people who know me understand that a lot of the time I just don't say much, but it always feels awkward with people I don't know as well. People will start talking to me and I won't say much of anything back. I won't call people or initiate conversation or ask if they want to hang out. I'm afraid they don't really like me, or I'm being a nuisance, or I'm going to say something stupid, because I know that when I finally do open my mouth I won't shut up and I look like a fool. It all just makes me even more miserable, because, for the most part, I want people to talk to me. I really am interested in what they're saying and I do care. I just don't know what to say in return. So people stop talking to me and hanging out with me because I never txt them or initiate conversation. My shyness is misconstrued as a desire to be left alone or a disinterest in what they're saying, and I have no one to blame for it but myself.

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Posted

I totally agree with everything you said in your post. I hate when people say this to me too! It's like...so what if I'm a shy person and don't talk that much? When I do talk, you better be sure it's to say something important unlike so many talkative people whose mouths never stop spewing useless inanities!

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TO DARKRAIN:

I'm SOOO glad that someone (meaning you) understands how I feel! My mother interrupts me constantly too!!! I hate it! What makes it even worse is that I still live with her, and she's been the only person I've been "talking" to since I got out of the hospital; and I do not have many friends in this town. I've told her how I feel when she interrupts me and her take on it is: "People interrupt each other. It's just the way it is. You take it too personally."

My take on that statement is: "If people interrupt me, then they obviously do not have any respect for me; not even enough respect to allow me to finish one ****ing sentence." How am I supposed to not take that obvious lack of respect personally??

Either way, I think interruptions being socially acceptable is outrageous. Interruption without apology shows no manners, no respect, no courtesy and no basic social etiquette. AND furthermore, if I am wrong about taking this too personally, then the person I am speaking to could at the very least respect my opinion and feelings enough to not interrupt me. I am entitled to feel the way I feel.

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Posted

I can SO relate to this topic. Although, I do think that a few of the people who have made such comments about me may have a point: they have said that I seem to be "pathologically silent."

I think in my case it goes beyond shyness. I mean, I NEVER speak. NEVER. EVER. I could go three months without uttering a word. And I DO feel as if I am in my own little world, and I think this is related to my silence.

However, I know what you mean. Even if you're not "pathologically silent" as I seem to be, if you are simply shy but do talk, just not the majority of the time, you ARE labeled as some kind of potentially dangerous psychopath. People have made the joke about me that I was going to "**** all my co-workers", because they heard that quiet people are angry.

People, in my opinion, are narrow minded and stereotype very readily. They don't seem to think, they regurgitate whatever babble is popular.

Harsh, but accurate I feel. The only thing I can recommend is to grin and bear it, or force yourself to respond, "I'm just shy. Nothing wrong with that."

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Posted

and a thousand other variables.

I try to talk to people.. I'm just very anxious and awkward. I really hate when people say this. :sleep:

I wish more people would be willing to give a shy person a chance... A lot of people think that to be shy you have to be a creep/psychopath or at the very least utterly boring.

and of course, being shy and depressed is not a valid excuse for not working. You can only be a lazy and useless lowlife, not even worthy of being spoken to.

Grrr, sorry for this non nonsensical mini=rant.

I prefer the shy and the quiet than the ones who won't shut up!:nod:

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Posted

if i can add my 2cents worth... there is nothing wrong with being shy or quiet. i have the opposite problem actually, and sometimes i wish i was the shy quiet one in the background. i am excellent at making friends, and being a social butterfly, life of the party type. however, often i avoid social gatherings, because find it emotionally draining and mentally taxing to attend. so dont feel bad for being shy. being "popular" is not always all it is cracked up to be :)

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Posted (edited)

Just adding in another two cents, I think it'd be wonderful if people wouldn't add to the stereotype by making stuff like this: a quiet wallflower snaps and finds she like the high she gets from hurting people. :rolleyes: It was someone's idea for a tv movie or something, I just rolled my eyes. :fighting-sign01:

Edited by DarkRain

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Posted

I try not to worry about what people think of me

you can please some of the people some of the time

but not all of the people all of the time

I believe Bob Dylan said that ;-)

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Posted (edited)

I try not to worry about what people think of me

you can please some of the people some of the time

but not all of the people all of the time

I believe Bob Dylan said that ;-)

I know Bob Marley said something similar to that:

You can fool some people sometimes, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

It's kind of the other way around there, though. I recall Dylan saying something similar about people being right some of the time on his album The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, but I don't remember exactly how it goes.

Edit: I did a quick google search and found a quote by Lincoln: "You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."

Edited by Ashen

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Posted (edited)

I've also been shy and quiet all my life, but people don't really comment me on it often anymore. Actually my classmates tend to say that even though I don't talk much, when I do say something it makes others go "woah". In a positive sense, of couse. My mom, however, often makes comments about me rarely talking at all, or she'd say that I'll never make friends when I look like I'm ready to hurt anyone who comes close (my default look, I see nothing wrong with my face). Though I don't really care anymore, if people are scared of me, then that's fine. I do most of my talking with my internet friend. Funny thing is, I'm more comfortable speaking English than Polish (or rather WRITING English, because I get nervous about making mistakes when talking irl to an English native speaker...).

Edited by lindahurt

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Posted

People say this to me ALL THE TIME. If I had something to say I would say it, if I don't well I'm not going to mindlessly ramble on. This apparently makes me aloof and a b*tch but oh well at least my husband seems to understand even though no one else does.

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Posted

I've also been shy and quiet all my life, but people don't really comment me on it often anymore. Actually my classmates tend to say that even though I don't talk much, when I do say something it makes others go "woah". In a positive sense, of couse. My mom, however, often makes comments about me rarely talking at all, or she'd say that I'll never make friends when I look like I'm ready to hurt anyone who comes close (my default look, I see nothing wrong with my face). Though I don't really care anymore, if people are scared of me, then that's fine. I do most of my talking with my internet friend. Funny thing is, I'm more comfortable speaking English than Polish (or rather WRITING English, because I get nervous about making mistakes when talking irl to an English native speaker...).

Yeah apparently I have that as my default look as well. I can't tell you how many times people have actually gone to my husband and asked him "Does she hate me/them/ect" because of it. I find that writing online is so much easier than talking face to face, its only recently that I finally found a couple of people that I feel ok actually talking to but friends are friends no matter where you talk to them!

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I prefer the shy and the quiet than the ones who won't shut up!:nod:

Back when I was a kid, I never really quite understood why they would come up to me and ask "Why are you so SHY?" :Cooptsearch:

Honestly, I could almost never come up with an answer until one day I finally said "Well, sometimes I have nothing to say." When I look back at those times, I wish I had said that but now, if anything, I'd love to just blatantly say "Well, why are you so LOUD?!" (yeah I know, that's not original but it's a nice throwback for those who are just starving for attention. Obnoxiousss.)

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You know, wallowing in my self pity I stumbled across this forum and have not seen anyone explain what has been happening to me my whole life better than the OP. I had no idea how many people were actually so similar to me.

Considering how old this topic is, have any of you found a way to make it easier? People don't make it very easy for those of us who are introverted. It's hard to make new friends when you don't really talk to people often. I had a small few of extremely close ones while growing up, but now that we are older they are slowly moving away getting on with their lives in different areas. I'm not exactly shy, I just don't like to talk when I have nothing to say! I have never had a girlfriend because of how I am. It's pretty depressing =/. They always think i'm some angry person who isn't fun to be around when it's the complete opposite. I'm just....naturally quiet.

Any tips? I'm a little worried about seeing a therapist or anything because I know my family will overreact and make it a much bigger deal than it needs to be. I'd rather keep that as a last resort, considering i'm not in a life-threatening state right now. I'm just tired of finally gaining a little bit of confidence just to have it sucked right back out of me =/

Oh, and i'm new by the way...1st post :D

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Posted

For some reason I've always liked when someone says that to me, I feel like I've been noticed.

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Welcome to the forums CF214, I'm not sure if I can give good advice, as I also have trouble making friends. I usually gradually slide into friendships over the course of months or years with only certain people. Is there anyone who you find easy to talk to? Or at least be around? If so try to spend a little more time around them. Also if you feel you really need to work anything out, I suggest trying to get a therapist. But, I know how family can overreact so make sure you stress that you don't believe you're in danger, and you just need to figure some stuff out. Sorry if this advice wasn't helpful, but I wanted to at least say something.

And on a personal note, I've always been extremely shy. I've also never had a girlfriend because of it. It used to bother me but I had to push that out of my mind when I got really bad a year and a half ago. I just had to control what parts of my mind I still could at that point. People ALWAYS point out how shy I am. It feels like I may as well be a foreigner in my own country. People act as if they're fascinated by how I won't or can't do the types of social things they do every day. It makes me feel sort of alien when they point out things like that, but I've started coming to terms with it. So I'm shy, so what. I have social anxiety problems, and I'm very practical, so I don't see the point of saying anything if there is nothing to say.

In front of a class of 40 people yesterday my one teacher pointed out, "Oh, I remember your name because you're the one who barely talks and always looks bothered/uncomfortable." That was a little uncalled for I think, it bothers me when people still say that kind of stuff to me.

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Posted (edited)

I actually like when people tell me I'm shy or quiet. I always worry people think I'm weird or a b*tch or a weird b*tch, so when I hear, "You're so quiet!" I know they realize I'm not talking because I'm a bit introverted, not because I don't like the people around me. The only tough thing is I don't want to be shy, I want to be loud and outgoing. I'm jealous of those kinds of people, when I'm in groups or one on one with people I don't know well my mind seems to just go blank. I wish I had the skill of just always having something to say. And I love being around people, but being around new people makes me nervous, so it's a double-edged sword (I'm pretty sure that's the right phrase). I'm working on being more talkative, and I'm definitely better than I was maybe 5 years ago, but I have a while to go.

Edited by Brah

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Posted

This is said to me every single day. People also make fun of my voice. My voice is very monotone. My classmates and sometimes even my family will do impressions of me and then laugh about it.

I hate it when someone will approach me and say hello, then break into uncontrollable laughter when I say hello back. Then they'll ask "what's wrong?" through the laughter.

It's a joke that has quickly grown old.

That's really mean :(

Have you ever tried telling them how it makes you feel?

Hugs from Evin

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I am shy and introverted, and that's OK! If you're shy and introverted, you're OK too! And, being an extrovert is fine too!! Everybody is good the way they are, and nobody should have to feel bad for being as they are! We're all different, and that's good!!! The introverts are important too, as are the extroverts. Even so, I know what many of you are going through, as I have been there (and am there still a lot of times)!!! I am shy and quiet, but can open up when I feel comfortable, sometimes have difficulties with reaching out to people but am very friendly when approached...and yet, people seem to judge me on the shyness and do not even see that I have something good to give!!

Just be yourself, and don't let others change you!

Hugs from Evin :)

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Posted

I'm very quiet and rarely talk -- but I have very good friends around me.

I've had someone tell me once that they'd remembered me because I don't talk but have such close friends.

As a sidenote, I've had one teacher pick me to answer a question in the last day of class, because she'd taught us for years and never heard me talk. Lol.

-CavyGrace :bear_wub:

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Ugh, I personally enjoy being an introvert. I have my close friends and I love them. What I hate the most is how people can sometimes underestimate a shy person. Like because I mumble sometimes I feel like people might not think I'm very intelligent. Not many people seem to realize that underneath the surface of a shy or introverted person, there's oftentimes a whirlwind of deep thought and observation. I haven't been able to figure out if I'm shy because I like to be left alone, if I like to be left alone because I dislike people, or if I just dislike people because I never seemed to "fit in" with "normal" folks. It might be a combination of all of those things. All I know is, I hate feeling belittled just because I'm shy and quiet.

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I have experienced this stigma my whole life but it never really bothered me until later in my teens (middle/High School) and in college and at work. Teachers were very complimentary of me during the early years of education because I had a lot of respect for my classmates/teachers and would never act out or misbehave. As time progressed, these desirable traits became problematic, especcially when performing biology and chemistry labs where group interaction and presentation is required. Sitting quietly at my dest and taking notes was no longer good enough to be considered a "good student." I was constantly asked by classmates and teachers: "why dont you ever talk?" "are you mute?" "your so quiet it kind of creeps me out"... After a while I began to get the message that i was not behaving appropriately and people were calling me out on it.

Just today in socialogy class my instructor pulled me aside and askem me why I am so quiet? I just shrugged my shoulder and smiled and then she asked me "are your needs being met in this class?"... I dont know what she meant by that so I just said yes and have a nice day then walked out. When people say things like that to me its just a clear reminder that my actions/behavior falls short of being considered "normal."

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I hate noisy people. Sorry. I sound rude but the noisy ones in my class think highly of themselves yet they contribute nothing to class. If i have nothing to contribute, I am very quiet and quiet people are good. They don't contribute to noise pollution and its sometimes good to have silence and read a nice book instead of listening to the gossip and rumours they spread 24 hour a day. I find that very noisy people tend to only gossip or speak badly of others. Actually I speak badly of others sometimes too, but i'm reasonable. They practically detest everyone. Anyway, I'm sick of people judging introverts. this is a stigma!!

This probably seems weird and off subject, but I feel that way about people's noisy vehicles, too!!! Not the ones who need their muffler repaired and maybe can't help it... but the big noisy cars and trucks that rev their engines and race down the road! Hopefully you don't have such vehicle or I will be sticking my foot in my mouth!!! But I find them soooo aggravating and such an intrusion on my peace and quiet!

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