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Raskolnikov

"you Don't Talk Much, Do You?"

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Posted (edited)

and a thousand other variables.

I try to talk to people.. I'm just very anxious and awkward. I really hate when people say this. :sleep:

I wish more people would be willing to give a shy person a chance... A lot of people think that to be shy you have to be a creep/psychopath or at the very least utterly boring.

and of course, being shy and depressed is not a valid excuse for not working. You can only be a lazy and useless lowlife, not even worthy of being spoken to.

Grrr, sorry for this non nonsensical mini=rant.

Edited by Raskolnikov
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Posted

Hey there Raskolnikov,

I do agree with you about how people may view shy/depressed people, a shy person may appears undesirable, boring and not a "life of the party" person!

However, I'm sure that there are many many people who do appreciate shy and calm persons, because shy and calm persons are often drowning in peace, love and hope! Yes, I'm sure of that!

Well, sometimes your depression can get severely enough to become a valid excuse for not working.

r90

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Posted

Hello again, there is nothing wrong with being a shy person, you can still work anywhere being sky as again I stressed in another post to you that you are only at work to please one person and that is your boss. As you get to know co-workers better you might want to open up to them but its not part of the job which is to do your work and thats it. The only person you need to please is your boss. And if you are depressed, see your doctor for professional help as you need not feel that way and when on a good anti-depressant, you will feel more energized, more outgoing and probably less shy, and have more self esteem and self love. Or you may need therapy. A good therapist can work with you on your self esteem and self love issues and that will help you to be more outgoing. Please do Not have a low opinion of yourself, each of us is a wonderful unique human being and shyness is easily overcome with age and wisdom. You will break out of this phase as I think shyness is not inherit in a person, but instead a learned trait that needs to be broken, the more you open up to people the more you will feel comfortable. Sure you will make mistakes along the way but learn from those mistakes and do them again. Again seek therapy about this, place yourself in situations where you *must* open up a bit, and done be afraid, being afraid is the worst thing you can do, just be open, honest, and if you are in a group dont be afraid to add something if you think it is useful. Quiet people are often considered intelligent people, those that talk too much are often considered overbearing and I am not talking about normal conversation, but those people who dominate conversations can be shooting themselves in the foot, you want to be an *equal* in conversations, give a little, take a little. I have faith that with time you will break your shyness as you develope better social skills which is a trial and error process, its called "the game of life" good luck and feel free to be sociable with US here on DF if that helps!!

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Posted

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate when people say this to me.

I've always been a quiet person, ever since childhood. I was introverted and liked playing by myself or in small groups of friends. Despite family problems, and dysfunctional childhood issues, I was actually a pretty happy child. You just had to get to know me or understand my shyness/introvertedness. My mother used to have fits about my other family members and teachers giving me a hard time about it.

In junior high my teachers really got on my case about it - complaining that I never smiled or seemed happy. I'd like to sit with my 2 friends (my only 2 at the time but I was super close to them and happy about that) and read a lot inbetween classes. My mother had to march in one day and set the principal straight. After that they left me alone.

In high school, my teachers left me alone but other students would make comments that I was too quiet and a weirdo because of it. One girl, after getting to know her better, told me one day that she initially thought I was a mean and angry person and was surprised to learn I was actually really nice. Ugh.

There have been times at my jobs or college classes where people seem to be shocked or confused that I am so quiet and prefer to keep to myself. But I found people now give me less of a hard time about it and it's actually become something more annoying to me - pity. There is nothing to be sorry about for me! I'm perfectly fine. On the second day of my new job, one co-worker asked me if I had made any friends in the city I just moved to. I told her no but that I kept in touch with all my friends back home on a regular basis, and she couldn't get this look of pity and sorrow on her face no matter how many times I explained to her I was fine. UGGHHH

My best advice is just to ignore people because they aren't you and they just don't understand. At the end of the day, if you are fine with the way you are, that's all that matters :)

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Posted

Hi Raskolnikov,

My best advice is to overcome you shyness and or social anxiety as this is far more easier than you think. No body is born shy, it is a learned 'experience'. You may be a sensitive person.

Getting past shyness means learning techniques from CBT, role playing, acting as if, and a firm belief in your self esteem and abilities.

Read up on CBT and Overcoming Shyness on the net as there are plenty of free resources there.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

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Posted (edited)

I'm introverted...even as I child I loved being by myself reading even though I had friends. I do hate how some people think that being shy or quiet is a personality flaw, I have heard people say about me 'oh she's so quiet,' like it's a bad thing and the more I hear that the more I withdraw into myself. I also stammered badly as a kid and still have a stammer so I don't really feel like talking in big groups with people I don't know. The depression and anxiety only make it worse.

I'm doing my nurse training and funnilly enough I have no problem talking to random patients and their famililes or building up good relationships. In fact I really like working with patients! It's the staff I feel shy around. After a shift I do need time alone to recharge though.

At university I like to find a cosy corner to sit in for lunch or go to the library and random people ask me if I'm alright as they walk past and look sorry for me. Er yes, I just like a bit of time by myself after being in a classroom surrounded by people all morning!

Edited by Ruth
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Posted

I hate noisy people. Sorry. I sound rude but the noisy ones in my class think highly of themselves yet they contribute nothing to class. If i have nothing to contribute, I am very quiet and quiet people are good. They don't contribute to noise pollution and its sometimes good to have silence and read a nice book instead of listening to the gossip and rumours they spread 24 hour a day. I find that very noisy people tend to only gossip or speak badly of others. Actually I speak badly of others sometimes too, but i'm reasonable. They practically detest everyone. Anyway, I'm sick of people judging introverts. this is a stigma!!

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Posted

Hello,

I am new to the forum but wanted to say that I totally agree with you in that most people think there is something wrong with being quiet and shy. I have been this way my whole life and have always had to defend myself against people who thought it was a disorder or that something was wrong me because I wasn't like everyone else, meaning, loud, obnoxious,talking nonstop with nothing meaningful to say. I like quiet people because they are not overwhelming and usually have something intelligent to say when they speak. Unfortunately, we are introverts living in an extroverted world being only 25% of the population. We just have to work harder to find our own nitch!

Ibis :talktohand:

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Posted (edited)

awh man. i feel like a jerk D:

sometimes i'll say this when i talk to someone shy, in an attempt to get them to open up

but i never mean it to be mean, it's almost always coupled with a, "i promise i'm not going to bite you" after wards.

and most of the time i'm successful and make great friends because of it, but i wonder if i've ever made anyone feel bad. .____.

though i must admit, before i started to come out of my shell (like, a year ago, this is so recent, haha), i hated when people did this too...

i've just kind of learned to accept that not everyone's out to hurt me.

it works, most of the time ('cept on my low days).

but i guess i'll have to choose my words more carefully next time...:unsure:

Edited by sad robot

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Posted

Hello,

I am new to the forum but wanted to say that I totally agree with you in that most people think there is something wrong with being quiet and shy. I have been this way my whole life and have always had to defend myself against people who thought it was a disorder or that something was wrong me because I wasn't like everyone else, meaning, loud, obnoxious,talking nonstop with nothing meaningful to say. I like quiet people because they are not overwhelming and usually have something intelligent to say when they speak. Unfortunately, we are introverts living in an extroverted world being only 25% of the population. We just have to work harder to find our own nitch!

Ibis :talktohand:

My thoughts exactly. I have suffered from being quiet and shy, school and work hard. People usually realise im not rude or standoffish when they eventually get to know me (was once described as 'taciturn') but a lot of the time while Im being quiet im listening to THEM and forming my opinions...... Im much better in writing.

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Posted

Tribe, I agree with YOU! Most noisy people I know are full of hot air, some are bullies and most contribute little except noise. I am the "keep your nose to the grindstone" type. I DO talk but I don't chit-chat like most of the women in my office. Sorry, but it IS the ladies who like to flit about and gossip. I get a lot of work done most days and am very productive. I am NOT popular with my peers and thanks to my med that is kicking in, I could care less! I come to work to (GASP) WORK, not to gad about and waste time.

Imaworrywart

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Posted

I've been told this several times. I even had one guy say to me, "You look like you want to beat me up." Apparently, I had a mean look on my face or very serious or something, and I was taken aback as I wasn't even thinking of anything unpleasant. It's just the look on my face sometimes!

My view is, when there is something worth saying, I will say it. I'm not the type to spout meaningless chit chat.

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Posted

This is said to me every single day. People also make fun of my voice. My voice is very monotone. My classmates and sometimes even my family will do impressions of me and then laugh about it.

I hate it when someone will approach me and say hello, then break into uncontrollable laughter when I say hello back. Then they'll ask "what's wrong?" through the laughter.

It's a joke that has quickly grown old.

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Posted

This is said to me every single day. People also make fun of my voice. My voice is very monotone. My classmates and sometimes even my family will do impressions of me and then laugh about it.

I hate it when someone will approach me and say hello, then break into uncontrollable laughter when I say hello back. Then they'll ask "what's wrong?" through the laughter.

It's a joke that has quickly grown old.

That's horrible. I'm sorry. How ignorant of them. I can't think of anything clever at the moment to say to shut them up, but if it was me, I'd definitely have to find something to say in response to that!

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Posted

I go through this alot.

I'm not shy, Just anti social I guess.

Plus, Like someone else said, People Make fun of my voice and laugh.

They say it's too high.

I also have speech problems at time.

Example: I tried to say INCH I said EEEinch.

Had about 5 kids copy me today, to my face.

Not a good feeling. I know.

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Posted

awh man. i feel like a jerk D:

sometimes i'll say this when i talk to someone shy, in an attempt to get them to open up

but i never mean it to be mean, it's almost always coupled with a, "i promise i'm not going to bite you" after wards.

and most of the time i'm successful and make great friends because of it, but i wonder if i've ever made anyone feel bad. .____.

though i must admit, before i started to come out of my shell (like, a year ago, this is so recent, haha), i hated when people did this too...

i've just kind of learned to accept that not everyone's out to hurt me.

it works, most of the time ('cept on my low days).

but i guess i'll have to choose my words more carefully next time...:unsure:

I never feel like it is being said to be mean, I see it really as a conversation opener. The reason I don't like it to be said is that I feel on the spot at that point -- like "Oh shoot, I didn't realize I hardly contributed to the conversation! What is a good topic?? Uh uh....???" But in some cases it really is a good conversation opener, if it includes conversation afterwards. It makes me feel bad if someone says that and then the conversation dies after that -- that's where the pressure comes in.

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Posted (edited)

My thoughts exactly. I have suffered from being quiet and shy, school and work hard. People usually realise im not rude or standoffish when they eventually get to know me (was once described as 'taciturn') but a lot of the time while Im being quiet im listening to THEM and forming my opinions...... Im much better in writing.

I prefer writing too. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel more comfortable, less pressure I suppose.

Edited by RadiantRunnerXC

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Posted

I hate when people say this to me and actually expect an answer. I feel like they are saying "why are you so ret--ded"?

One time in my class this guy said to me about commenting about another person who talked a lot "I wished he talked as much as you did" I don't think he meant to offend me but it really hurt my feelings. Like he didn't even care to be around me or get to know me at all and preferred that he didn't have to hear my annoying stupid voice.

Whatever I don't like telling people that I barley know my whole life story and frankly - I don't want to hear yours because you only like to hear yourself talking. You learn so much more by listening.

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Posted

This is said to me every single day. People also make fun of my voice. My voice is very monotone. My classmates and sometimes even my family will do impressions of me and then laugh about it.

I hate it when someone will approach me and say hello, then break into uncontrollable laughter when I say hello back. Then they'll ask "what's wrong?" through the laughter.

It's a joke that has quickly grown old.

What an awful way to be treated, or bullied... How do you respond these people?

I'm another who was shy from a young age, though since high school I don't think it's been the reason for why I stay quiet sometimes...I'm actually sitting back & observing a situation/person before I get involved.

My biggest hate, is when someone says to me "smile!" grrrrr

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Posted

My aunt to my mother (I was 7 then and I was sitting in the same room):

"I wouldn't want such a sad and quiet child, she's weird".

My mother:

"Sometimes she looks like she's not alive."

That was just pure cruelty.

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Posted

I can relate to you Eiwra. Those were not very nice things to say to you. My mom used to ask me why don't I talk to her. At that time in my life I was just a quiet child and there were times I didn't know what to say. I'm now a combination of being introverted and extroverted.

My aunt to my mother (I was 7 then and I was sitting in the same room):

"I wouldn't want such a sad and quiet child, she's weird".

My mother:

"Sometimes she looks like she's not alive."

That was just pure cruelty.

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Posted

My aunt to my mother (I was 7 then and I was sitting in the same room):

"I wouldn't want such a sad and quiet child, she's weird".

My mother:

"Sometimes she looks like she's not alive."

That was just pure cruelty.

Aw. Gosh people are so ignorant sometimes!

:console:

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Posted

I was always pressured into talking and I still am. All throughout school it was 'why don't you ever talk?' The girl I hung out with would even keep poking me if I didn't talk. A lot of it also came from not knowing what to say. Just a blank mind. It would have been so much easier if someone gave me pen and paper. Then I wouldn't struggle to have to talk. My main problem is if I don't respond right away and they keep pressuring me I get more anxious and my throat starts hurting and then I can't talk! :confusedread:

One lady even said I was just being a brat when I couldn't respond. I really wish people could understand this. :sleep:

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Posted

I was always pressured into talking and I still am. All throughout school it was 'why don't you ever talk?' The girl I hung out with would even keep poking me if I didn't talk. A lot of it also came from not knowing what to say. Just a blank mind. It would have been so much easier if someone gave me pen and paper. Then I wouldn't struggle to have to talk. My main problem is if I don't respond right away and they keep pressuring me I get more anxious and my throat starts hurting and then I can't talk! :confusedread:

One lady even said I was just being a brat when I couldn't respond. I really wish people could understand this. :sleep:

Sounds like me when I was a kid! I remember my teacher asking me to tell what one of the books was about, in detail (I was probably 8 years old then) and I just see myself standing, unable to say anything. It happened again and again, I just dreaded it.

2 years ago I moved to the UK and had serious problems with speaking English (though I have no problems with writing) especially under pressure. Sometimes I felt I could have said something in a different way, a better way and this thought made me miserable. If I realized I made a mistake I felt unable to carry on with a conversation and felt so, so stupid. Phone conversations were even worse.

I still have a bit of this "speaking anxiety" but actually I noticed my antidepressant sort of calms it down. I just don't care, speaking feels more natural now.

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I hadn't thought about the connection much until now -- but a big part of my social anxiety, and why I don't like to go to events where I may have to meet new people and/or make small talk, is precisely because of this. If I don't have anything to say, or can't think of anything, and someone asks why I'm so quiet, it makes it just worse! In social situations I just want to sit back and observe, try to get a feel of things before saying anything.

My sister-in-law is really good at drawing people out. She asks questions and keeps the conversation going. I am always amazed when I find myself talking to her (and I've known her for 20 years!), and I try really hard to observe her conversations with other people, hoping I will pick up a few tricks to engage people in conversation.

Another part of my problem is that I don't like sharing my private thoughts with the world at large, and so I'm hesitant to ask other people questions for fear of sounding like I'm intruding or trying to dig out information they might not want to share.

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