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[Raskolnikov]

and a thousand other variables.

I try to talk to people.. I'm just very anxious and awkward. I really hate when people say this.

I wish more people would be willing to give a shy person a chance... A lot of people think that to be shy you have to be a creep/psychopath or at the very least utterly boring.

and of course, being shy and depressed is not a valid excuse for not working. You can only be a lazy and useless lowlife, not even worthy of being spoken to.

Grrr, sorry for this non nonsensical mini=rant.

Edited by Raskolnikov, 18 December 2010 - 06:53 AM.

[r90]

Hey there Raskolnikov,

I do agree with you about how people may view shy/depressed people, a shy person may appears undesirable, boring and not a "life of the party" person!

However, I'm sure that there are many many people who do appreciate shy and calm persons, because shy and calm persons are often drowning in peace, love and hope! Yes, I'm sure of that!

Well, sometimes your depression can get severely enough to become a valid excuse for not working.

r90

[BetterOff]

Hello again, there is nothing wrong with being a shy person, you can still work anywhere being sky as again I stressed in another post to you that you are only at work to please one person and that is your boss. As you get to know co-workers better you might want to open up to them but its not part of the job which is to do your work and thats it. The only person you need to please is your boss. And if you are depressed, see your doctor for professional help as you need not feel that way and when on a good anti-depressant, you will feel more energized, more outgoing and probably less shy, and have more self esteem and self love. Or you may need therapy. A good therapist can work with you on your self esteem and self love issues and that will help you to be more outgoing. Please do Not have a low opinion of yourself, each of us is a wonderful unique human being and shyness is easily overcome with age and wisdom. You will break out of this phase as I think shyness is not inherit in a person, but instead a learned trait that needs to be broken, the more you open up to people the more you will feel comfortable. Sure you will make mistakes along the way but learn from those mistakes and do them again. Again seek therapy about this, place yourself in situations where you *must* open up a bit, and done be afraid, being afraid is the worst thing you can do, just be open, honest, and if you are in a group dont be afraid to add something if you think it is useful. Quiet people are often considered intelligent people, those that talk too much are often considered overbearing and I am not talking about normal conversation, but those people who dominate conversations can be shooting themselves in the foot, you want to be an *equal* in conversations, give a little, take a little. I have faith that with time you will break your shyness as you develope better social skills which is a trial and error process, its called "the game of life" good luck and feel free to be sociable with US here on DF if that helps!!

[Kalla]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate when people say this to me.

I've always been a quiet person, ever since childhood. I was introverted and liked playing by myself or in small groups of friends. Despite family problems, and dysfunctional childhood issues, I was actually a pretty happy child. You just had to get to know me or understand my shyness/introvertedness. My mother used to have fits about my other family members and teachers giving me a hard time about it.

In junior high my teachers really got on my case about it - complaining that I never smiled or seemed happy. I'd like to sit with my 2 friends (my only 2 at the time but I was super close to them and happy about that) and read a lot inbetween classes. My mother had to march in one day and set the principal straight. After that they left me alone.

In high school, my teachers left me alone but other students would make comments that I was too quiet and a weirdo because of it. One girl, after getting to know her better, told me one day that she initially thought I was a mean and angry person and was surprised to learn I was actually really nice. Ugh.

There have been times at my jobs or college classes where people seem to be shocked or confused that I am so quiet and prefer to keep to myself. But I found people now give me less of a hard time about it and it's actually become something more annoying to me - pity. There is nothing to be sorry about for me! I'm perfectly fine. On the second day of my new job, one co-worker asked me if I had made any friends in the city I just moved to. I told her no but that I kept in touch with all my friends back home on a regular basis, and she couldn't get this look of pity and sorrow on her face no matter how many times I explained to her I was fine. UGGHHH

My best advice is just to ignore people because they aren't you and they just don't understand. At the end of the day, if you are fine with the way you are, that's all that matters :)

[jimbow15]

Hi Raskolnikov,

My best advice is to overcome you shyness and or social anxiety as this is far more easier than you think. No body is born shy, it is a learned 'experience'. You may be a sensitive person.

Getting past shyness means learning techniques from CBT, role playing, acting as if, and a firm belief in your self esteem and abilities.

Read up on CBT and Overcoming Shyness on the net as there are plenty of free resources there.


Best Wishes


Jim Bow

[Ruth]

I'm introverted...even as I child I loved being by myself reading even though I had friends. I do hate how some people think that being shy or quiet is a personality flaw, I have heard people say about me 'oh she's so quiet,' like it's a bad thing and the more I hear that the more I withdraw into myself. I also stammered badly as a kid and still have a stammer so I don't really feel like talking in big groups with people I don't know. The depression and anxiety only make it worse.

I'm doing my nurse training and funnilly enough I have no problem talking to random patients and their famililes or building up good relationships. In fact I really like working with patients! It's the staff I feel shy around. After a shift I do need time alone to recharge though.

At university I like to find a cosy corner to sit in for lunch or go to the library and random people ask me if I'm alright as they walk past and look sorry for me. Er yes, I just like a bit of time by myself after being in a classroom surrounded by people all morning!

Edited by Ruth, 17 January 2011 - 01:10 PM.

[Tribe416]

I hate noisy people. Sorry. I sound rude but the noisy ones in my class think highly of themselves yet they contribute nothing to class. If i have nothing to contribute, I am very quiet and quiet people are good. They don't contribute to noise pollution and its sometimes good to have silence and read a nice book instead of listening to the gossip and rumours they spread 24 hour a day. I find that very noisy people tend to only gossip or speak badly of others. Actually I speak badly of others sometimes too, but i'm reasonable. They practically detest everyone. Anyway, I'm sick of people judging introverts. this is a stigma!!

[Ibis]

Hello,

I am new to the forum but wanted to say that I totally agree with you in that most people think there is something wrong with being quiet and shy. I have been this way my whole life and have always had to defend myself against people who thought it was a disorder or that something was wrong me because I wasn't like everyone else, meaning, loud, obnoxious,talking nonstop with nothing meaningful to say. I like quiet people because they are not overwhelming and usually have something intelligent to say when they speak. Unfortunately, we are introverts living in an extroverted world being only 25% of the population. We just have to work harder to find our own nitch!

Ibis

[sad robot]

awh man. i feel like a jerk D:

sometimes i'll say this when i talk to someone shy, in an attempt to get them to open up
but i never mean it to be mean, it's almost always coupled with a, "i promise i'm not going to bite you" after wards.
and most of the time i'm successful and make great friends because of it, but i wonder if i've ever made anyone feel bad. .____.

though i must admit, before i started to come out of my shell (like, a year ago, this is so recent, haha), i hated when people did this too...
i've just kind of learned to accept that not everyone's out to hurt me.

it works, most of the time ('cept on my low days).

but i guess i'll have to choose my words more carefully next time...

Edited by sad robot, 18 January 2011 - 08:15 PM.

[tryinghard]

Hello,

I am new to the forum but wanted to say that I totally agree with you in that most people think there is something wrong with being quiet and shy. I have been this way my whole life and have always had to defend myself against people who thought it was a disorder or that something was wrong me because I wasn't like everyone else, meaning, loud, obnoxious,talking nonstop with nothing meaningful to say. I like quiet people because they are not overwhelming and usually have something intelligent to say when they speak. Unfortunately, we are introverts living in an extroverted world being only 25% of the population. We just have to work harder to find our own nitch!

Ibis

My thoughts exactly. I have suffered from being quiet and shy, school and work hard. People usually realise im not rude or standoffish when they eventually get to know me (was once described as 'taciturn') but a lot of the time while Im being quiet im listening to THEM and forming my opinions...... Im much better in writing.

[Imaworrywart]

Tribe, I agree with YOU! Most noisy people I know are full of hot air, some are bullies and most contribute little except noise. I am the "keep your nose to the grindstone" type. I DO talk but I don't chit-chat like most of the women in my office. Sorry, but it IS the ladies who like to flit about and gossip. I get a lot of work done most days and am very productive. I am NOT popular with my peers and thanks to my med that is kicking in, I could care less! I come to work to (GASP) WORK, not to gad about and waste time.

Imaworrywart

[Spiritual_Wanderer]

I've been told this several times. I even had one guy say to me, "You look like you want to beat me up." Apparently, I had a mean look on my face or very serious or something, and I was taken aback as I wasn't even thinking of anything unpleasant. It's just the look on my face sometimes!

My view is, when there is something worth saying, I will say it. I'm not the type to spout meaningless chit chat.

[JZicherman]

This is said to me every single day. People also make fun of my voice. My voice is very monotone. My classmates and sometimes even my family will do impressions of me and then laugh about it.

I hate it when someone will approach me and say hello, then break into uncontrollable laughter when I say hello back. Then they'll ask "what's wrong?" through the laughter.

It's a joke that has quickly grown old.

[Spiritual_Wanderer]

This is said to me every single day. People also make fun of my voice. My voice is very monotone. My classmates and sometimes even my family will do impressions of me and then laugh about it.

I hate it when someone will approach me and say hello, then break into uncontrollable laughter when I say hello back. Then they'll ask "what's wrong?" through the laughter.

It's a joke that has quickly grown old.

That's horrible. I'm sorry. How ignorant of them. I can't think of anything clever at the moment to say to shut them up, but if it was me, I'd definitely have to find something to say in response to that!

[missclaudia123]

I go through this alot.
I'm not shy, Just anti social I guess.
Plus, Like someone else said, People Make fun of my voice and laugh.
They say it's too high.
I also have speech problems at time.
Example: I tried to say INCH I said EEEinch.
Had about 5 kids copy me today, to my face.
Not a good feeling. I know.

[RadiantRunnerXC]

awh man. i feel like a jerk D:

sometimes i'll say this when i talk to someone shy, in an attempt to get them to open up
but i never mean it to be mean, it's almost always coupled with a, "i promise i'm not going to bite you" after wards.
and most of the time i'm successful and make great friends because of it, but i wonder if i've ever made anyone feel bad. .____.

though i must admit, before i started to come out of my shell (like, a year ago, this is so recent, haha), i hated when people did this too...
i've just kind of learned to accept that not everyone's out to hurt me.

it works, most of the time ('cept on my low days).

but i guess i'll have to choose my words more carefully next time...

I never feel like it is being said to be mean, I see it really as a conversation opener. The reason I don't like it to be said is that I feel on the spot at that point -- like "Oh shoot, I didn't realize I hardly contributed to the conversation! What is a good topic?? Uh uh....???" But in some cases it really is a good conversation opener, if it includes conversation afterwards. It makes me feel bad if someone says that and then the conversation dies after that -- that's where the pressure comes in.

[RadiantRunnerXC]

[/quote]

My thoughts exactly. I have suffered from being quiet and shy, school and work hard. People usually realise im not rude or standoffish when they eventually get to know me (was once described as 'taciturn') but a lot of the time while Im being quiet im listening to THEM and forming my opinions...... Im much better in writing.



[/quote]


I prefer writing too. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel more comfortable, less pressure I suppose.

Edited by RadiantRunnerXC, 26 January 2011 - 03:16 PM.

[Purple Monster]

I hate when people say this to me and actually expect an answer. I feel like they are saying "why are you so ret--ded"?

One time in my class this guy said to me about commenting about another person who talked a lot "I wished he talked as much as you did" I don't think he meant to offend me but it really hurt my feelings. Like he didn't even care to be around me or get to know me at all and preferred that he didn't have to hear my annoying stupid voice.

Whatever I don't like telling people that I barley know my whole life story and frankly - I don't want to hear yours because you only like to hear yourself talking. You learn so much more by listening.

[Eiwra]

My aunt to my mother (I was 7 then and I was sitting in the same room):
"I wouldn't want such a sad and quiet child, she's weird".
My mother:
"Sometimes she looks like she's not alive."

That was just pure cruelty.

[lindahurt]

I can relate to you Eiwra. Those were not very nice things to say to you. My mom used to ask me why don't I talk to her. At that time in my life I was just a quiet child and there were times I didn't know what to say. I'm now a combination of being introverted and extroverted.

My aunt to my mother (I was 7 then and I was sitting in the same room):
"I wouldn't want such a sad and quiet child, she's weird".
My mother:
"Sometimes she looks like she's not alive."

That was just pure cruelty.

[Spiritual_Wanderer]

My aunt to my mother (I was 7 then and I was sitting in the same room):
"I wouldn't want such a sad and quiet child, she's weird".
My mother:
"Sometimes she looks like she's not alive."

That was just pure cruelty.

Aw. Gosh people are so ignorant sometimes!

[DarkRain]

I was always pressured into talking and I still am. All throughout school it was 'why don't you ever talk?' The girl I hung out with would even keep poking me if I didn't talk. A lot of it also came from not knowing what to say. Just a blank mind. It would have been so much easier if someone gave me pen and paper. Then I wouldn't struggle to have to talk. My main problem is if I don't respond right away and they keep pressuring me I get more anxious and my throat starts hurting and then I can't talk!
One lady even said I was just being a brat when I couldn't respond. I really wish people could understand this.

[Eiwra]

I was always pressured into talking and I still am. All throughout school it was 'why don't you ever talk?' The girl I hung out with would even keep poking me if I didn't talk. A lot of it also came from not knowing what to say. Just a blank mind. It would have been so much easier if someone gave me pen and paper. Then I wouldn't struggle to have to talk. My main problem is if I don't respond right away and they keep pressuring me I get more anxious and my throat starts hurting and then I can't talk!
One lady even said I was just being a brat when I couldn't respond. I really wish people could understand this.

Sounds like me when I was a kid! I remember my teacher asking me to tell what one of the books was about, in detail (I was probably 8 years old then) and I just see myself standing, unable to say anything. It happened again and again, I just dreaded it.
2 years ago I moved to the UK and had serious problems with speaking English (though I have no problems with writing) especially under pressure. Sometimes I felt I could have said something in a different way, a better way and this thought made me miserable. If I realized I made a mistake I felt unable to carry on with a conversation and felt so, so stupid. Phone conversations were even worse.
I still have a bit of this "speaking anxiety" but actually I noticed my antidepressant sort of calms it down. I just don't care, speaking feels more natural now.

[easy2miss]

I hadn't thought about the connection much until now -- but a big part of my social anxiety, and why I don't like to go to events where I may have to meet new people and/or make small talk, is precisely because of this. If I don't have anything to say, or can't think of anything, and someone asks why I'm so quiet, it makes it just worse! In social situations I just want to sit back and observe, try to get a feel of things before saying anything.

My sister-in-law is really good at drawing people out. She asks questions and keeps the conversation going. I am always amazed when I find myself talking to her (and I've known her for 20 years!), and I try really hard to observe her conversations with other people, hoping I will pick up a few tricks to engage people in conversation.

Another part of my problem is that I don't like sharing my private thoughts with the world at large, and so I'm hesitant to ask other people questions for fear of sounding like I'm intruding or trying to dig out information they might not want to share.

[DarkRain]

Also, I have found that I DESPISE it when people interrupt each other, and interrupt me. I think this may be in part due to my OCD, but I still just can't stand it. I feel like saying, "Oh, I'm sorry; I had three more words left to say to finish my thought outloud. You have something to say that is so important you couldn't let me say my final three words?" I find it incredibly rude to interrupt someone when they are talking. And yes, I know most people aren't trying to interrupt on purpose to make someone angry. I know I take it more personally than most people do, because when I am interrupted or cut-off, I feel like the person who did it is saying, "I have no more attention span to hear you finish" or "I really need to change the subject because you are SO boring" or "You are just not important enough to listen to, so I'm going to use this time for something else...anything else". And yes, I have talked to people about how I feel bad when they excessively interrupt me, and I have also asked them if I interrupt them often when they speak, and they always tell me that I do not. I feel it's a good idea to treat others as you would like to be treated (or, at least, try your very hardest), so I have gone out of my way to not interrupt people when they are talking. If I do interrupt someone, I apologize for doing so, and ask them to continue what they were saying.

This, exactly. My mom does this to me all the freaking time! And it me off to no end. It's like, am I really that boring? Or, sorry, I guess my opinion isn't important. (note heavy sarcasm) And I have asked her not to do this but she still does it, she'll even speak for me when I don't carry on a conversation or don't respond appropriatley because I can't follow 'social etiquette'. I just let her talk. If she wants to blab then she can blab. And I also don't interrupt people, and she's even told me to interrupt if I have something to say, but I never do because I consider it rude. Everyone should have a chance to talk without interuption.
It also me off when I'm interrupted because then I lose the desire to say what I was going to say, then when they finally ask me I just say nevermind because I've lost my desire to speak.

Edited by DarkRain, 17 March 2011 - 10:25 PM.

[Ashen]

I tend to be very shy, especially around people I don't know. The people who know me understand that a lot of the time I just don't say much, but it always feels awkward with people I don't know as well. People will start talking to me and I won't say much of anything back. I won't call people or initiate conversation or ask if they want to hang out. I'm afraid they don't really like me, or I'm being a nuisance, or I'm going to say something stupid, because I know that when I finally do open my mouth I won't shut up and I look like a fool. It all just makes me even more miserable, because, for the most part, I want people to talk to me. I really am interested in what they're saying and I do care. I just don't know what to say in return. So people stop talking to me and hanging out with me because I never txt them or initiate conversation. My shyness is misconstrued as a desire to be left alone or a disinterest in what they're saying, and I have no one to blame for it but myself.

[Tawnee]

I totally agree with everything you said in your post. I hate when people say this to me too! It's like...so what if I'm a shy person and don't talk that much? When I do talk, you better be sure it's to say something important unlike so many talkative people whose mouths never stop spewing useless inanities!

[danrice56]

I can SO relate to this topic. Although, I do think that a few of the people who have made such comments about me may have a point: they have said that I seem to be "pathologically silent."
I think in my case it goes beyond shyness. I mean, I NEVER speak. NEVER. EVER. I could go three months without uttering a word. And I DO feel as if I am in my own little world, and I think this is related to my silence.
However, I know what you mean. Even if you're not "pathologically silent" as I seem to be, if you are simply shy but do talk, just not the majority of the time, you ARE labeled as some kind of potentially dangerous psychopath. People have made the joke about me that I was going to "**** all my co-workers", because they heard that quiet people are angry.
People, in my opinion, are narrow minded and stereotype very readily. They don't seem to think, they regurgitate whatever babble is popular.
Harsh, but accurate I feel. The only thing I can recommend is to grin and bear it, or force yourself to respond, "I'm just shy. Nothing wrong with that."

[Achelois]

and a thousand other variables.

I try to talk to people.. I'm just very anxious and awkward. I really hate when people say this.

I wish more people would be willing to give a shy person a chance... A lot of people think that to be shy you have to be a creep/psychopath or at the very least utterly boring.

and of course, being shy and depressed is not a valid excuse for not working. You can only be a lazy and useless lowlife, not even worthy of being spoken to.

Grrr, sorry for this non nonsensical mini=rant.

I prefer the shy and the quiet than the ones who won't shut up!

[tessaj]

if i can add my 2cents worth... there is nothing wrong with being shy or quiet. i have the opposite problem actually, and sometimes i wish i was the shy quiet one in the background. i am excellent at making friends, and being a social butterfly, life of the party type. however, often i avoid social gatherings, because find it emotionally draining and mentally taxing to attend. so dont feel bad for being shy. being "popular" is not always all it is cracked up to be :)

[DarkRain]

Just adding in another two cents, I think it'd be wonderful if people wouldn't add to the stereotype by making stuff like this: a quiet wallflower snaps and finds she like the high she gets from hurting people. It was someone's idea for a tv movie or something, I just rolled my eyes.

Edited by DarkRain, 27 March 2011 - 06:17 PM.

[JonnySoze]

I try not to worry about what people think of me


you can please some of the people some of the time
but not all of the people all of the time

I believe Bob Dylan said that ;-)

[Ashen]

I try not to worry about what people think of me


you can please some of the people some of the time
but not all of the people all of the time

I believe Bob Dylan said that ;-)

I know Bob Marley said something similar to that:

You can fool some people sometimes, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

It's kind of the other way around there, though. I recall Dylan saying something similar about people being right some of the time on his album The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, but I don't remember exactly how it goes.

Edit: I did a quick google search and found a quote by Lincoln: "You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."

Edited by Ashen, 27 March 2011 - 06:40 PM.

[Geschenke]

I've also been shy and quiet all my life, but people don't really comment me on it often anymore. Actually my classmates tend to say that even though I don't talk much, when I do say something it makes others go "woah". In a positive sense, of couse. My mom, however, often makes comments about me rarely talking at all, or she'd say that I'll never make friends when I look like I'm ready to hurt anyone who comes close (my default look, I see nothing wrong with my face). Though I don't really care anymore, if people are scared of me, then that's fine. I do most of my talking with my internet friend. Funny thing is, I'm more comfortable speaking English than Polish (or rather WRITING English, because I get nervous about making mistakes when talking irl to an English native speaker...).

Edited by lindahurt, 06 April 2011 - 02:43 PM.

[Ahzuri]

People say this to me ALL THE TIME. If I had something to say I would say it, if I don't well I'm not going to mindlessly ramble on. This apparently makes me aloof and a b*tch but oh well at least my husband seems to understand even though no one else does.

[Ahzuri]

I've also been shy and quiet all my life, but people don't really comment me on it often anymore. Actually my classmates tend to say that even though I don't talk much, when I do say something it makes others go "woah". In a positive sense, of couse. My mom, however, often makes comments about me rarely talking at all, or she'd say that I'll never make friends when I look like I'm ready to hurt anyone who comes close (my default look, I see nothing wrong with my face). Though I don't really care anymore, if people are scared of me, then that's fine. I do most of my talking with my internet friend. Funny thing is, I'm more comfortable speaking English than Polish (or rather WRITING English, because I get nervous about making mistakes when talking irl to an English native speaker...).

Yeah apparently I have that as my default look as well. I can't tell you how many times people have actually gone to my husband and asked him "Does she hate me/them/ect" because of it. I find that writing online is so much easier than talking face to face, its only recently that I finally found a couple of people that I feel ok actually talking to but friends are friends no matter where you talk to them!

[HopefulElayne]

I prefer the shy and the quiet than the ones who won't shut up!

Back when I was a kid, I never really quite understood why they would come up to me and ask "Why are you so SHY?"

Honestly, I could almost never come up with an answer until one day I finally said "Well, sometimes I have nothing to say." When I look back at those times, I wish I had said that but now, if anything, I'd love to just blatantly say "Well, why are you so LOUD?!" (yeah I know, that's not original but it's a nice throwback for those who are just starving for attention. Obnoxiousss.)