Jump to content

Advertisement

Scheduled Maintenance:

Please be aware that depressionforums will be down for a short period beginning from 02:00 EST (07:00 GMT) on Sunday 21st December for necessary maintenance. We apologise for the inconvenience and it should only take about 45 minutes.

  • No one should be alone in this. We can help.
If you - or someone you know - are having thoughts about suicide, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are connected to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.                                                                            If you - or someone you know - are having thoughts about suicide, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are connected to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
Photo

Why Can't I Just Die?


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 02 December 2010 - 03:52 AM

I've been struggling with depression for so long now and just cannot see how I would ever be able to lead a normal life :-( I know there's people who have it a lot worse than me and it does make me feel guilty but at the same time I'm the person I need to be around 24/7 :-( I dont like my life the way it is, I don't have friends, I'm sooooo lonely, bad financial situation, and no hope for the future. I'm shoty, ugly, have a goofy accent, balding, uinteresting, and just about everything else that makes a person undesireable, I'm sick of people telling me that I'll find someone... I'm 29 now and never even had a date, that a lone would be a major r ed flag! I just feel like no matter what I do, how much of an effort I put into getting better, I'll still be a loser so what's the point? I wish I could just die... even too dumb for that though, I can't even find the courage to end it!



#2 Trace

Trace

    Platinum Member

    ID: 10376

  • Platinum Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 52,085 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Sub Saharan Weather Cloud, South Africa

Posted 02 December 2010 - 04:02 AM

Hi lonelyforeigner

You are not a loser. Depression makes you think that way, it is not true. I know right now you see no hope, but we do not know what the future holds, tomorrow something could happen that we could not have anticipated of expected.
Just remember that the more you try to treat yourself and the more you keep going one day at a time, the more chance you have of things changing. If you keep trying one day something will give and something will go right.

Trace
Listen in deep silence. Be very still and open your mind.... Sink deep into the peace that waits for you beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights and sounds of this insane world. - A course of miracles.

True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.



Posted Image

#3 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 02 December 2010 - 04:12 AM

That's not true, my depression nurishoues this thinking but I have been thinking that way since childhood. I may not "know" what my future holds, nobody does, but based on where I am now I have a pretty good idea of where I'll be 5 years down the road: alone, no friends, working a job I hate, no finanicial indepenende, no family....The only joys will be when I can save up for some toys and but something nice but that only lasts about a day.



Hi lonelyforeigner

You are not a loser. Depression makes you think that way, it is not true. I know right now you see no hope, but we do not know what the future holds, tomorrow something could happen that we could not have anticipated of expected.
Just remember that the more you try to treat yourself and the more you keep going one day at a time, the more chance you have of things changing. If you keep trying one day something will give and something will go right.

Trace



#4 jenbri

jenbri

    ID: 53997

  • Banned
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 654 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:central California

Posted 02 December 2010 - 11:50 AM

Hi lonelyforeignor,

I happen to like accents and bald heads! Where are you from? Just so you know, I have major depressive disorder and some minor social anxiety. I was thinking the way you are this time last year. Friendless, hopeless, too inept to even maintain my finances and home. With lots of medical help, I finally got better.

How long have you been depressed? Has it been a constant or do you have episodes and this one is just lasting longer than the others. Have you seen a doctor, started meds, done any therapy?

Like I said, I was very lonely. Yet when I make friends, I find them suffocating and distance myself before very long. I think for me anyway, I like life better being alone, without the pressures a strong friendship requires. Mind you, I'm not saying I don't want any friends; just one or a handful for occasional get-togethers and someone to talk to or help out in times of need. The grass is always greener on the other side of the bush. Meaning it's normal to want something you've never had or experienced. Once you have dated, you may find out it's not as fun as you thought it was. Can you tell me what you've tried in the past?

#5 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 02 December 2010 - 02:03 PM

I'm European, been here for close to 10 years though. Sounds like you know what I'm talking about, I just wish society did, I feel like I'm not allowed to feel bad because society deems my issues irrelevant. If you get cheated on or get insured everybody will understand, if you lose the will to live you get a "pull yourself together, think you're the only one with problems?!" instead.

I've been depressed since I was 13 or so. Most of the time it's moderate depression with a few severe episodes a year. I finally sought help last month after I went through an episode of heavy self-medicating. I was put on 300mg Wellbutrin XL but can't really say it's done any good. Side effects are irritating and I've started getting anxiety attacks which is something I never had before. It's about time for a check in with my psychiatrist but that'll have to wait till next year due to my financial situation. I did have two therapy sessions just to see what it's like but I don't see how that would help me.

I'm sure that dating isn't easy but it would be nice to be someones #1, to have someone care enough about me to take some time out of their day. Now I can't even call people when I feel bad because they're busy with their SO's, only time I'm needed is when they're bored and no one better is around.

#6 jenbri

jenbri

    ID: 53997

  • Banned
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 654 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:central California

Posted 02 December 2010 - 03:42 PM

Yeah, I know. I think I'll PM you because we have a lot in common and it might take a while before I think of everything I want to say. Check your mailbox!

#7 HopefulElayne

HopefulElayne

    Junior Member

    ID: 53795

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 54 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Canada

Posted 02 December 2010 - 08:04 PM

Hey lonelyforeigner,

Well, let me just start out by saying that... it's never an easy thing to go through, depression that is. But so is pretty much life, depends on how you respond to the challenges. Having depression makes you wonder if it's worth continuing on with life... I know I still wonder about that everyday whenever I find myself being stuck with what to do that day. There's no easy way of explaining to people who have never heard of depression, or experienced it before or maybe they have heard it but refuse to accept and understand its symptoms and how disabling it is for a person to "fix" on their own. Believe me, I've met some "intelligent", easy-going people who appear to be successful in their lives who appear to know what they're talking about but are totally ignorant on helping someone, IN THE VERY LEAST, who suffers from depression.

As for dating, it's simple hard to focus on finding potential partners when you have depression. How can you be "dateable" when you lack the confidence in yourself to be attractive to the opposite sex? especially when you're working on something deeply personal. Personally, although it would be nice to be with someone, to finally be in a relationship as opposed to being single, that fact that I have depression, recovery process will have to come first before I decide to be involve with anybody who may or may not be beneficial to my life.

I think if I were you, I'd try to find a trustworthy source, a counsellor perhaps... better yet, a therapist, who can help you talk things through with any of your problems. I guess just put the dating life on hold and focus on overcoming depression because afterwards, you'd be a little more confident in making yourself attractive for any person to date. 'Cause it's the same for me. Feeling like you're unworthy, unattractive doesn't attract other people towards you. But who knows. If you're ready to date, you're more likely to find someone special. Oh and yes, I totally know what you mean about people being TOO busy with their lives to give their time. :-/

Question:

Will LOVE ever find me?

Answer:

Post comments!


#8 BetterOff

BetterOff

    Platinum Member

    ID: 50382

  • Platinum Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,232 posts
  • Gender:Male

Posted 02 December 2010 - 10:08 PM

I've been struggling with depression for so long now and just cannot see how I would ever be able to lead a normal life :-( I know there's people who have it a lot worse than me and it does make me feel guilty but at the same time I'm the person I need to be around 24/7 :-( I dont like my life the way it is, I don't have friends, I'm sooooo lonely, bad financial situation, and no hope for the future. I'm shoty, ugly, have a goofy accent, balding, uinteresting, and just about everything else that makes a person undesireable, I'm sick of people telling me that I'll find someone... I'm 29 now and never even had a date, that a lone would be a major r ed flag! I just feel like no matter what I do, how much of an effort I put into getting better, I'll still be a loser so what's the point? I wish I could just die... even too dumb for that though, I can't even find the courage to end it!


Hello, PLEASE do not have a bad opinion of yourself, or low self esteem or low self worth. We are each and every one of us unique individuals. The only person you need to please in your life is yourself. find things to do that you enjoy and have fun. And there are really legitamite dating services out there and *tons* of people who are looking for someone because they are lonely and probably feel the same way you do about themselves. You might find a wonderful fun mate, and what the heck, nothing lost, nothing gained. I see lots of couples at the mall or grocery stores who are not centerfold models and they seem very happy with themselves. Please see your doctor too, if you are depressed it can cause you to have low self esteem, low energy, feel bad about yourself etc... just in case it never hurts to see a doctor. But do try the dating service, if nothing else you can say, well I did get to go on some dates but you never know, a partner may be out there feeling the same way and you could fullfill their life and yours...
Good Luck and keep your spirits up!!
Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#9 Rangersfan

Rangersfan

    Newbie

    ID: 50265

  • Newbie
  • Pip
  • 31 posts

Posted 02 December 2010 - 10:58 PM

I've been struggling with depression for so long now and just cannot see how I would ever be able to lead a normal life :-( I know there's people who have it a lot worse than me and it does make me feel guilty but at the same time I'm the person I need to be around 24/7 :-( I dont like my life the way it is, I don't have friends, I'm sooooo lonely, bad financial situation, and no hope for the future. I'm shoty, ugly, have a goofy accent, balding, uinteresting, and just about everything else that makes a person undesireable, I'm sick of people telling me that I'll find someone... I'm 29 now and never even had a date, that a lone would be a major r ed flag! I just feel like no matter what I do, how much of an effort I put into getting better, I'll still be a loser so what's the point? I wish I could just die... even too dumb for that though, I can't even find the courage to end it!


Same here, never been on a date, same age and all that (minus the balding part my hair just wont thin out for any reason it has to stay thick and curly...), but add very horrible teeth. I need to finish getting them all pulled... I avoid as much contact with people as I can, I have no friends outside a computer screen, and I don't care to be around family, the only cousin I could be around moved away 10 years ago. I so wouldn't mind dying myself, but only if I had no control over it. I may think of suicide daily, but to turn to that option is the hardest choice I could possibly make. It's easier to keep living feeling this horrible than it is to give into it, because then is to fully give up on anything. I look forward to reading too many books and listening to too much music, and even some movies and tv shows, to given to my thoughts, no matter how horrible things are right now. If that is my only thread left to continue struggling each day, then so be it. I kinda simply don't want to let the d*** thing win and end my life before I'm ready for it to be over with.

#10 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 03 December 2010 - 10:16 PM

I wish people would understand just how disabling depression can be. A lot of the time I know what I should be doing to get better but how can I do those things when I can't even find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning? Even when I want to do things I often find myself too exhausted to do them.

You're right about dating, it's hard for anyone else to be attracted to someone who doesn't value themselves. It seems even more difficult for guys, we're supposed to be the strong gender and a lack of self esteem is definintely a no-go for most women. Unfortunately the whole thing seems like a vicious cycle, how can I get self confidendence if no one likes me? Yet no one is going to like me if I can't accept myself... How to get out of this?

The whole people being too busy thing is very hurtful :-( I've had friends who I supported in so many ways when they were going through bad times and now that they're happy I'm no longer good enough. I've spent so much time listening to them cry and yet when I need a shoulder they back away or tell me they don't want to hear it. Guess the moment people are happy they only want to be around other happy people...

Hey lonelyforeigner,

Well, let me just start out by saying that... it's never an easy thing to go through, depression that is. But so is pretty much life, depends on how you respond to the challenges. Having depression makes you wonder if it's worth continuing on with life... I know I still wonder about that everyday whenever I find myself being stuck with what to do that day. There's no easy way of explaining to people who have never heard of depression, or experienced it before or maybe they have heard it but refuse to accept and understand its symptoms and how disabling it is for a person to "fix" on their own. Believe me, I've met some "intelligent", easy-going people who appear to be successful in their lives who appear to know what they're talking about but are totally ignorant on helping someone, IN THE VERY LEAST, who suffers from depression.

As for dating, it's simple hard to focus on finding potential partners when you have depression. How can you be "dateable" when you lack the confidence in yourself to be attractive to the opposite sex? especially when you're working on something deeply personal. Personally, although it would be nice to be with someone, to finally be in a relationship as opposed to being single, that fact that I have depression, recovery process will have to come first before I decide to be involve with anybody who may or may not be beneficial to my life.

I think if I were you, I'd try to find a trustworthy source, a counsellor perhaps... better yet, a therapist, who can help you talk things through with any of your problems. I guess just put the dating life on hold and focus on overcoming depression because afterwards, you'd be a little more confident in making yourself attractive for any person to date. 'Cause it's the same for me. Feeling like you're unworthy, unattractive doesn't attract other people towards you. But who knows. If you're ready to date, you're more likely to find someone special. Oh and yes, I totally know what you mean about people being TOO busy with their lives to give their time. :-/







#11 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 03 December 2010 - 10:22 PM

I agree, suicide is a hard choice. I would love to die but at the same time I'm scared of death because I don't know what, if anything, comes after that and there are still many things I'd like to experience someday. It must be the 0.001% of hope that maybe someday life will get better that keep me from making the final decision. Still, I feel like I'm walking the edge, it wouldn't take much to give me the push to do it and in many ways I hope that things get worse so I'll finally find the courage to call it quits. I know things won't change and yet I can't seem to be able to let go of the hope that something miraculous will happen.


I've been struggling with depression for so long now and just cannot see how I would ever be able to lead a normal life :-( I know there's people who have it a lot worse than me and it does make me feel guilty but at the same time I'm the person I need to be around 24/7 :-( I dont like my life the way it is, I don't have friends, I'm sooooo lonely, bad financial situation, and no hope for the future. I'm shoty, ugly, have a goofy accent, balding, uinteresting, and just about everything else that makes a person undesireable, I'm sick of people telling me that I'll find someone... I'm 29 now and never even had a date, that a lone would be a major r ed flag! I just feel like no matter what I do, how much of an effort I put into getting better, I'll still be a loser so what's the point? I wish I could just die... even too dumb for that though, I can't even find the courage to end it!


Same here, never been on a date, same age and all that (minus the balding part my hair just wont thin out for any reason it has to stay thick and curly...), but add very horrible teeth. I need to finish getting them all pulled... I avoid as much contact with people as I can, I have no friends outside a computer screen, and I don't care to be around family, the only cousin I could be around moved away 10 years ago. I so wouldn't mind dying myself, but only if I had no control over it. I may think of suicide daily, but to turn to that option is the hardest choice I could possibly make. It's easier to keep living feeling this horrible than it is to give into it, because then is to fully give up on anything. I look forward to reading too many books and listening to too much music, and even some movies and tv shows, to given to my thoughts, no matter how horrible things are right now. If that is my only thread left to continue struggling each day, then so be it. I kinda simply don't want to let the d*** thing win and end my life before I'm ready for it to be over with.



#12 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 03 December 2010 - 10:37 PM

I may be unique but that doesn't mean that I'm any good or my life is worth living. Not everybody deserves to be happy and I truly believe that I'm not good enough to be loved or cared for. It's just something I've always known, even before I became depressed. I'm meant to go through life alone and I don't see how I could ever have what it takes to be in a relationship. I tried online dating on numerous occasions but never got any responses, and why would I? I wouldn't want to have me in my life if I had a choice...


I've been struggling with depression for so long now and just cannot see how I would ever be able to lead a normal life :-( I know there's people who have it a lot worse than me and it does make me feel guilty but at the same time I'm the person I need to be around 24/7 :-( I dont like my life the way it is, I don't have friends, I'm sooooo lonely, bad financial situation, and no hope for the future. I'm shoty, ugly, have a goofy accent, balding, uinteresting, and just about everything else that makes a person undesireable, I'm sick of people telling me that I'll find someone... I'm 29 now and never even had a date, that a lone would be a major r ed flag! I just feel like no matter what I do, how much of an effort I put into getting better, I'll still be a loser so what's the point? I wish I could just die... even too dumb for that though, I can't even find the courage to end it!


Hello, PLEASE do not have a bad opinion of yourself, or low self esteem or low self worth. We are each and every one of us unique individuals. The only person you need to please in your life is yourself. find things to do that you enjoy and have fun. And there are really legitamite dating services out there and *tons* of people who are looking for someone because they are lonely and probably feel the same way you do about themselves. You might find a wonderful fun mate, and what the heck, nothing lost, nothing gained. I see lots of couples at the mall or grocery stores who are not centerfold models and they seem very happy with themselves. Please see your doctor too, if you are depressed it can cause you to have low self esteem, low energy, feel bad about yourself etc... just in case it never hurts to see a doctor. But do try the dating service, if nothing else you can say, well I did get to go on some dates but you never know, a partner may be out there feeling the same way and you could fullfill their life and yours...
Good Luck and keep your spirits up!!



#13 Lori123

Lori123

    Advanced Member

    ID: 46868

  • Advanced Member
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 289 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:USA

Posted 04 December 2010 - 09:03 AM

You hit the nail on the head about the motivation problem. It sounds like the Wellbutrin isn't working for you -- not sure how long you've been on it, but it doesn't take too long to figure out that a medication is having absolutely no effect.

It's good that you plan to see your doctor in January. By then you will have had plenty of time to figure out if it's time for a med change. Make the doctor listen to you.

Once you get the right medication to lift you out of that hole, you'll begin to feel the motivation to make some positive changes.

After searching for a really long time, I've finally found a depression support group that I plan to attend this coming week. I have no idea what to expect, as I've never done anything like that before, but that may be something worth looking into for yourself. They don't cost anything, and you're surrounded by people who understand depression.

It wasn't easy to find a group; I was only able to get some names and numbers after calling a suicide hotline. It's like they intentionally hide -- not very helpful! ;)

#14 Rangersfan

Rangersfan

    Newbie

    ID: 50265

  • Newbie
  • Pip
  • 31 posts

Posted 05 December 2010 - 03:40 AM

It wasn't easy to find a group; I was only able to get some names and numbers after calling a suicide hotline. It's like they intentionally hide -- not very helpful! ;)


Hehe, don't we all want to hide though?

Me, with my problems, the teeth and having trouble speaking coherently (this is the part I hate the worst about all this as I cant even finish one sentence without having to stop and think about what I want to say or even how to say the word correctly), the idea of a group thing scares me more than I normally am when around a group. My therapist has a crazy idea about doing a small group, two other people, and seeing if I cant get to talking with a girl. I'm not totally opposed to that idea, but when you don't care for yourself, it'd be hard for someone else to do that. But on the other hand, having someone locally to talk with and maybe become a friend with could be something positive, but then again, comes the self hate part about that and the tendency to push anyone away.

#15 Rangersfan

Rangersfan

    Newbie

    ID: 50265

  • Newbie
  • Pip
  • 31 posts

Posted 05 December 2010 - 03:56 AM

I believe I'll finally get a good nights rest when I die. At least I hope so, I'd have to have to come back as a ghost for some stupid reason. I feel like I'm along an edge too, but I have a very high threshold for pain to go with that small thin sliver of hope. I also don't like to bother people in any way, and dying would bother people. At least with a therapist, I know they are paid to deal with me so I can feel less guilt about that.

I agree, suicide is a hard choice. I would love to die but at the same time I'm scared of death because I don't know what, if anything, comes after that and there are still many things I'd like to experience someday. It must be the 0.001% of hope that maybe someday life will get better that keep me from making the final decision. Still, I feel like I'm walking the edge, it wouldn't take much to give me the push to do it and in many ways I hope that things get worse so I'll finally find the courage to call it quits. I know things won't change and yet I can't seem to be able to let go of the hope that something miraculous will happen.



#16 lonelyforeigner

lonelyforeigner

    Junior Member

    ID: 53624

  • Junior Member
  • PipPip
  • 94 posts

Posted 05 December 2010 - 04:28 PM

I know what you mean about pushing people away. I've ruined so many friendships because I cannot accept the idea that someone would ever care for me. The last time I had a friend she would often try to involve me in activities and I'd get upset whenever she showed that she cared so instead of being grateful I'd pick a fight or accuse her of ulterior motives. It's almost as though I feel that my worldview is being threatened by the idea that someone values me. It's completely irrational and I get upset with myself for doing it and yet I cannot stop. I've become so accustomed to loneliness and rejection that anytime someone does show a level of care my paranoia tells me that there's another motive and I push them away. No idea how I could ever be in a relationship with this attitude, I'm definitely my own worst enemy.

It wasn't easy to find a group; I was only able to get some names and numbers after calling a suicide hotline. It's like they intentionally hide -- not very helpful! ;)


Hehe, don't we all want to hide though?

Me, with my problems, the teeth and having trouble speaking coherently (this is the part I hate the worst about all this as I cant even finish one sentence without having to stop and think about what I want to say or even how to say the word correctly), the idea of a group thing scares me more than I normally am when around a group. My therapist has a crazy idea about doing a small group, two other people, and seeing if I cant get to talking with a girl. I'm not totally opposed to that idea, but when you don't care for yourself, it'd be hard for someone else to do that. But on the other hand, having someone locally to talk with and maybe become a friend with could be something positive, but then again, comes the self hate part about that and the tendency to push anyone away.








0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users