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Afraid To Do Anything


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#1 Leaflet

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Posted 25 September 2010 - 09:43 AM

Feeling so frustrated... I feel like life has done me a great injustice.

- Didn't make friends until after the age of 14.
- Didn't get the grades I worked so hard for.
- Didn't get the sexual relationships I so desired, as everyone else did.
- Didn't pass my driving test, as everyone else did.
- Didn't get the A level grades I wanted, as everyone else did.
- Didn't manage to get accepted as a close friend in a gay group of friends, as everyone else did.
- Didn't get to have a relationship. I'm the last person in my friendship group.

Every time I set a goal it becomes crap. I don't want to set any more goals in life, because I'm so scared I'll fail it and feel bad. All of life's "milestones" which I never achieved... this world is so unfair. No one understands the frustration and injustice I feel, I try to explain it to people. Some people I hate because they never understand, they feel I have a choice to stop feeling this way, and won't give me space to get my mind around it myself.

Sometimes I don't want to keep going, but I do so because it'd upset other people if I was gone. I feel tortured by the conflict; the pain it'd cause and yet the idea of having to live years and years with this stinky sh*tting depression for my whole life. I try to tell people this, but they don't understand.

What should I do now? 1.5 years of therapy and this stinkin depression is back. Time to try anti-depressants? What, for my whole life? I don't want to do nothing, I've got to get rid of this bl*ody suffering.

#2 BetterOff

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Posted 25 September 2010 - 11:18 AM

Feeling so frustrated... I feel like life has done me a great injustice.

- Didn't make friends until after the age of 14.
- Didn't get the grades I worked so hard for.
- Didn't get the sexual relationships I so desired, as everyone else did.
- Didn't pass my driving test, as everyone else did.
- Didn't get the A level grades I wanted, as everyone else did.
- Didn't manage to get accepted as a close friend in a gay group of friends, as everyone else did.
- Didn't get to have a relationship. I'm the last person in my friendship group.

Every time I set a goal it becomes crap. I don't want to set any more goals in life, because I'm so scared I'll fail it and feel bad. All of life's "milestones" which I never achieved... this world is so unfair. No one understands the frustration and injustice I feel, I try to explain it to people. Some people I hate because they never understand, they feel I have a choice to stop feeling this way, and won't give me space to get my mind around it myself.
Sometimes I don't want to keep going, but I do so because it'd upset other people if I was gone. I feel tortured by the conflict; the pain it'd cause and yet the idea of having to live years and years with this stinky sh*tting depression for my whole life. I try to tell people this, but they don't understand.

What should I do now? 1.5 years of therapy and this stinkin depression is back. Time to try anti-depressants? What, for my whole life? I don't want to do nothing, I've got to get rid of this bl*ody suffering.


Hello and welcome to DF, its really a great place to visit and to vent *or* let it all out as you did. I definately know how you feel as alot of us do here, we try and help each other out offering advice or comments, which is up for you to accept and act upon or not. I suggest you read through the depression forum posts as you might find a situation that fits yours to a "t" and read through that post and the advice and comments that follow. fyi... I am gay myself, so I can relate to alot of your issues and suffer from clinical depression which for *me* is a life-long battle. But I have had some very successful runs on some anti-depressants that didnt effect my mind in anyway except to boost my happy hormones giving me a brighter outlook on life and a better ability to cope with lifes up and downs. Sure they still exist for me, but they do not bother me like when I was despressed and everything seemed much more worse than it actually was. I mention this because I have no problems myself at all when I am on an anti-depressant returning to my normal happy self *and* I get my self-esteem restored and live a very nice normal life, being able to cope with ups and downs. I did have a few problems throughout my life when an AD pooped out on me, but it can take a very long time befor a good med to give out! (one lasted 15 years for me! It was a great run while it lasted).

What I am insinuating, is that perhaps you need some help with what appears to me low self-esteem and a bit of depression. Its hard to get oneself out of the black hole of depression when it hits. Some people succeed with lots of excersizing, good diet, talking with friends and relatives, but this doesnt always work of course. I had my recent medication *poop* out on me fyi... and went into a really bad crash winding up in the hospital. The problem was a combination of three things that caused such a dramatic crash, and that was 1. my AD giving out on me (I should have seen the signs, increased anxiety, increased nervousness, increased low self esteem, some panic attacks etc... but I just never thought it was my med giving out on me after 15 years...) and I had some relationship problems after 32 plus years (so yes gay people can have long relationships) and 3. stress from work. All these built up on me and I crashed really bad.

I guess the point of this post is that now I am on the road to recovery. I tackle my self-esteem and depression from both sides of the spectrum and it is what I was going to recommend to you, as I think you are viewing life through the distortion of depression and this is not a good thing at all. I see both a counselor/therapist/psychologist for verbal therapy, they are great to ask a patient probing questions that get you to understand where your problems might lay and how to cope with them. They dont advise but instead get you to understand your problems through self-evaluation and come to terms with them and how to deal with them (hope that makes sense) *and* I also deal with my depression through medical evaluation. I come from a family with a history of clinical depression i.e. my brain does not produce enough happy hormones (started about the age of 33) and thus I need medical help to bring my happy hormones up to proper levels.

I mentioned my life because I hope you might gleam some information from it that depression can really get you down and I think its always a safe bet to see your doctor and talk to him about it (print out your above post as it was quite eloquent and take it in for him to read, that way you dont miss bringing up something that you think you should after you have left the office) and also see a therapist. You may need one or the other or both. I can only offer this advice, its up to you to help yourself however you think is best but my advise to you is it wouldnt hurt to give both a try would it?? If I were in your shoes I would want to get some help to stop feeling bad and tackle it from both directions.
I wish you well my friend, you are welcome to PM (private message me) if you wish to talk in confidence. I am happy to be a sounding board for you to vent or let it all out if you wish. Remember you dont have to suffer but if you cant beat what appears to be depression to me, please get some help and hopefully from both directions, I think it is the best thing to do...
Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#3 hockeyislife88

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Posted 25 September 2010 - 05:20 PM

I feel your pain man. Nobody understands me either; but even worse is I don't understand myself. My mood and personality changes so rapidly that I cannot get a handle on who I am, what I want to do, etc. It's frustrating that I cannot even talk to a psych because I really do not know how I feel. I am on medications and although they make me less irritable and angry, I feel they have numbed my brain and therefore I simply do not care about anything.

As for your frustrations- I deal with the same things. I have a couple close friends who I only see and talk to once in a blue moon. All day, everyday I am alone with only my parents or co-workers around me (I hate all of my co-workers). Nobody calls me, nobody really knows that I exist anymore. I have no sex life and the sex life I had was very very brief and long ago. I see all my old childhood friends and my close friends living life- girls, partying, ambitions, etc. I have none of these. My days consist of going to work, coming home, and watching TV or playing Xbox all night. I'm in my early 20's and these years should be the best of my life; yet I am suffering. My apathy controls my life. I simply do not care about anything and things I blow off or screw up come back to haunt me. I procrastinate so badly on everything, and I feel awful and anxious the whole time.

My family says I deserve to be happy. I am seeing a new doctor for the 10th time hoping that this one will be able to help me. In the meantime, every minute of my life I feel sad, angry, lonely, hopeless, etc. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a huge coward, I'm sure I would have killed myself long ago. I guess sometimes being a coward is a good thing.

Either way man, there are people who feel your pain. I am so ashamed of myself and what I've become that I cannot even go out in public anymore. I'm trying to get through this; yet it is difficult.

Anytime I get help; I give up on it. I'm hoping that this time I can pull through.

#4 Blue_Envy

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Posted 28 September 2010 - 06:49 PM

Feeling so frustrated... I feel like life has done me a great injustice.

- Didn't make friends until after the age of 14.
- Didn't get the grades I worked so hard for.
- Didn't get the sexual relationships I so desired, as everyone else did.
- Didn't pass my driving test, as everyone else did.
- Didn't get the A level grades I wanted, as everyone else did.
- Didn't manage to get accepted as a close friend in a gay group of friends, as everyone else did.
- Didn't get to have a relationship. I'm the last person in my friendship group.

Every time I set a goal it becomes crap. I don't want to set any more goals in life, because I'm so scared I'll fail it and feel bad. All of life's "milestones" which I never achieved... this world is so unfair. No one understands the frustration and injustice I feel, I try to explain it to people. Some people I hate because they never understand, they feel I have a choice to stop feeling this way, and won't give me space to get my mind around it myself.

Sometimes I don't want to keep going, but I do so because it'd upset other people if I was gone. I feel tortured by the conflict; the pain it'd cause and yet the idea of having to live years and years with this stinky sh*tting depression for my whole life. I try to tell people this, but they don't understand.

What should I do now? 1.5 years of therapy and this stinkin depression is back. Time to try anti-depressants? What, for my whole life? I don't want to do nothing, I've got to get rid of this bl*ody suffering.

Sorry you're feeling so bad about how things are going.

I don't really know if I'm someone who should be giving advice as I'm not the model of mental health myself, but I will add my 2 cents. First, just take things one step at a time. The main think that's been getting me through day to day life is my philosophy of life. It is "5 years from now, it won't even matter." This may come across as me sounding nonchalant, but if you think about it, this holds true. I just failed a test last week, but I have not given up on it, nor have I dropped the course. 5 years from now, when I'm in my field, no one is going to care that I failed California history. I left high school with a 3.3 GPA, only got a 1050/1600 on the SAT, but it doesn't really matter. When you're at work, no one is going to say, "Hey by the way, what did you score on your SAT?" If they do, just give some clever reply like, "If you have time to ask such frivolous questions, you should spend that time working."

I wouldn't worry about the driver's test. I'm 26 and just got my car license this past April. I didn't get my motorcycle license until I was 24.

I wouldn't say give up on getting relationships, but I would say not to stress to heavily on it. I know a lot of people who are married and half of them can't stand each other. Just take your time and eventually you will meet that person.

As far as goals go, maybe it's best not to have a plan. I'm reading something for my english class this semester about how people have plans in life about how everything should go, but the world is not linear and does not work that way. It may be good to have a particular goal in mind, but don't necessarily try to follow it to a "T" cuz you might miss out on a lot of opportunities.

#5 Leaflet

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 03:44 PM

My parents booked me an appointment to the GP, which I went to. Didn't feel so confident about the GP, who left me with a list of CBT books I can try. Kinda fed up with books, but guess I should go the library and get at least one out to give it a try, as well as Moody Gym.

hockeyislife88, it comforts me to find someone else in my position. Do you find it hard to make outside friends from the family unit when living with them? I've got to find a way, or define times when I am relaxing and when I am socialising - which appear to me to be two different things.

BetterOff, sometimes it's easy to forget that depression is an illness, not something we lull ourselves into. I'd got so caught up in the assumption that I could think myself out of it that I forgot that it's the depression causing the negative thoughts, rather than the other way around. I believe I have SAD, as in summer time I've noticed the depression is much more manageable, although this could be circumstantial. I purchased a Dawn Simulator (a lot like light therapy) for a relatively cheap price (25). It could be a piece of rubbish or it could be a good deal, we'll see.

Blue_Envy, you're right. I think if I got a terminal disease tomorrow I'd throw away all my inhibitions and where I fail I wouldn't even care. Again you're right about not having a goal that is too fixed. I'll try out a few things now and see where it takes me.

Thanks guys, I read every word :)

#6 SWTCowgirl

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 05:03 PM

I am sorry that you feel bad. There are always people to talk to here.

Now, my two cents (about all they are worth :rolleyes: ). I kinda have the same problem with failure. It got to the point of self-fufilling prophesy. I did fail because I was expecting to fail. I have (sorta) learned to set smaller goals. I have depression issues along with other diagnoses and medical issues.

You are not alone. We are all here to talk to anytime.

Don't let fear get in your way! In whatever part of life, just look fear in the eye & keep on ridin'.



Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie that living for you so you can hide
Don't cry...
Evanescence



Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. John Wayne





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