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I Feel Like I'M Wasting My Life Away


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#1 JacksCreation

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 01:16 PM

Hi new poster here, this is really an enlightening forum.

This is very long, sorry. But I needed to get my thoughts out there but Iím not sure this is the right place.

I'll tell you a little about my life and where I am at the moment. I grew up the funny, friendly young upstart who had loads of mates, I loved life and everything that went with being young, sport, music etc. I loved the social side of school, the banter, the flirting with girls, the pi** taking of teachers (nothing bad like :lol: )It was fun, harmless. It's funny, when your parents say your School days are the best days of your life you look at them with that odd expression like they're taking the pi** but ultimately they were right. For me, they really were the greatest days of my life and I look back with fondness and also sadness with what has happened in the years since.

For the past 7 years I have struggled to get on with my life. Well the next chapter anyway. I left school with little or no good grades (The one thing I didn't do at school was work hard) and had little or no knowledge with what I wanted to do with my life afterwards. Leaving school hit me so quick and so hard I just didn't see it coming. It was like one minute I was in my blazer going into Maths and the next I was on the dole. Everybody else started doing other things like going to college, sixth form, enjoying themselves; it seemed easy and natural for them to move on. It was like everybody had an understanding of what they wanted to do, and I was the only one who didnít, I was clueless. Everybody seemed to grow up fast yet I stayed virtually the same. One by one my friends started doing their own things and drifted away and I quite quickly lost contact with everyone.

The days turned into weeks and the weeks then turned into months, and by the time I knew what I knew where I was it was 2008 and I had barely heard from anybody. In the intervening 5 years I'd hardly done anything. No job, no money, no mates and certainly no life, I had struggled to get by, doing stupid courses/little jobs (that I would quit almost instantly) to prop up my non existence and just to keep going. Of course I'd bump into old adversaries from time to time and would go out for a drink but I would mostly hate it. The nostalgia parts of the evening would be great as I would kind of be on the same level as them and we could talk for ages about the 'good old days' but when it got to what I had got up to since I would lie about what I was doing like or just mumble some bulls*** about how I was fine and it was all great. They knew I was lying but wouldnít push me into making a fool out of myself.

The hardest part was knowing what they had got up to since, the holidays, the pi** ups, the Ďamazingí nights out that I was never a part of. Iíd missed out on so much, Id just go home and get depressed. To be honest I grew a certain hatred towards them during the years I barely saw them. I felt like they had left me behind and had done all these things without me and didnít care, which I suppose they didnít, why should they. I blamed them for my short comings, like theyíd let me down when all along Iíd let myself down.

Iíd just closed myself off from everyone and wrecked everything. Iíd become a recluse. Iíd spend most of my day online wasting hours and doing zilch. The one thing I did enjoy though was my ĎFantasy livesí that I would create in my head to keep me occupied. Most of my fantasies would be me in a real life-real time situation like being a Soccer player or an Actor. They would take up hours of my days just thinking about them, and realistically making them up through using the internet etc. I wouldnít act them out and I certainly can differentiate between real life and fantasy life.

Around late 2008 I decided to get my s*** together and do something. I joined the local Acting School for a short course and really enjoyed it, but the one thing I really have found out is that I now find it hard to communicate with new people. I always feel inferior to everyone now, like they have loads of experience in life yet Iím still that 16 year old with none what so ever. I worry about everything now, like getting older without living out any of these experiences scares the living hell out of me.

Anyway in May 2009 I started doing voluntary work in the local library and have been there ever since. The job is nothing too strenuous, one day a week but I have learnt through this experience that I make very sharp judgements on people and situations very quickly which I feel harms my progress especially getting full-time jobs and meeting new people. I enjoy the voluntary work because I like the people who work there; they seem like decent people and as I said earlier the job isnít too hard. Itís on my terms which I think helps a lot.

I just have no belief in myself anymore, none at all. The voluntary work is fine but if I got a full-time job I would crumble under the pressure of the long hours Iím not used to, the new people who I feel I am inferior to and the expectancy of me doing a job well. I seem to seek solace in my fantasy world and the safety blanket that is the internet and I feel this is wrecking my life.

I just donít know where to go anymore. Itís hard to get a job and if I did I know I would come across all the problems I know I would have to encounter, which scares the hell out of me but I certainly donít want to be 30 in the same situation though, thatís for sure.

Well, thatís my story. Thanks for reading, if indeed anybody has.

JC.



#2 jimbow15

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 01:35 PM

Hi JC and :welcomeani: to DF,

Well I personally feel that life still has a lot to offer you and you can turn your life around as you are still a young person.

Yo can easily learn the social skills you need and get your self esteem up. You do need to see a therapist.

So go and see your Doctor and get is professional advice and a referral to see a therapist.

We can all move on to experience what we really want to do in life and also improve our chances with further education, a lot of people your age go back to college.

Yes it can be very difficult to see all your old friends moved on in their lives. Forgot about that and become passionate nd determined to get what you really want from life.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." Albert E.


Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#3 JacksCreation

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 01:40 PM

Hi JC and :welcomeani: to DF,

Well I personally feel that life still has a lot to offer you and you can turn your life around as you are still a young person.

Yo can easily learn the social skills you need and get your self esteem up. You do need to see a therapist.

So go and see your Doctor and get is professional advice and a referral to see a therapist.

We can all move on to experience what we really want to do in life and also improve our chances with further education, a lot of people your age go back to college.

Yes it can be very difficult to see all your old friends moved on in their lives. Forgot about that and become passionate nd determined to get what you really want from life.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow


Thanks for the reply.

#4 Rasselas

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 01:55 PM

Hi JacksCreation,

Welcome. It takes courage to type all of that out. Normally I despair when I read stories like yours, because they really hit home, but surprisingly I actually have a lot of positive things to say to you.

I read your story and even though you're older than me I can tell you that I identify with that "lost" feeling you've described here. That is very difficult to deal with, both mentally and physically, and I know how hard it is to feel like you need to lie to yourself and the world in order to maintain some sense consistency in your life. And actually, out of all of the things I have had to deal with, this is the one thing I have been able to find catharsis with. I refer you to a passage written by a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, who in 1997 wrote: "Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, and some of the most interesting forty year olds I know still dont."

I also think that its a very good thing that you have some good memories to enjoy. All of my good memories are from when I was little and time has made it all fuzzy in my mind. But sometimes those memories are all we have, and there's nothing wrong with that. Once again, "Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Nevermind, you wont enjoy the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded."

Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope I didnt sound to preachy.

Hang in there,

-R

#5 BetterOff

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 01:55 PM

Hello J.C., I just wanted you to know that you are *not* alone in this situation. Lots of people exit school and dont have any idea at all what they want to do, where they want to go, and feel lost after having spent 4 years in a safe environment. Since you said you did poorly in school, it doesnt sound like a lack of intelligence as your post was very eloquently written, but simply a lack of wanting to play while at a young age. I offer a suggestion of checking out trade schools. Mechanics make good money, air conditioner people make good money, plumbers, secretaries, ambulance workers, etc. etc.... there are lots of good trade schools out there, and they will get you out of the house and can offering financing to help get you through. Avoid the *fraud* type of trade schools like "Culinary Arts" that say they will make you a chef, or other fraud type of trade schools. This might be one area you can search the internet and find a good valid trade school where you can make pretty good money. There must be some type that would offer a job that would be to your liking.

I think you *under-estimate* yourself in being able to hold down a full-time job. You will be surprised if you are doing something you *like* that time fly's and you meet people and can establish new friendships. I also suggest you talk with a Psychologist/Counselor about your low self-esteem. Its sounds like something you have worked you way into and its not good thoughts. A counselor will work with you to discover that old you that you have buried under low-self esteem. He/She will ask you very leading questions that will get to the source of your insecurities and provide ways to fight them. Did you know that the most intelligent people are the ones who have this problem the most. Some peoples minds are made up that they are going to do this or that when they get out of school and quickly find their dreams shattered.

You friends may be putting up fronts that all is great and well... They may say they love their jobs but in truth they may not. Its a macho kind of thing to ever say "I made a mistake, actually my job stinks, my life sucks, etc..." I doubt all your friends went on to things that are all hunky-dorey etc.. and they cope with it their own way. They could just be hiding it so well you do not detect it. I have a friend who is totally open and honest with me that he sought after a promotion at work, got the job, it pays better, but honestly, its very hard work and frankly he doesnt like it at all after he got there, but he puts up with it. I can tell he is not happy with it, but then he has a wife and two children to support and fortunately he is pretty stongly able to cope with the stress of the job, but it isnt what he really wants to do, he has little time at home and when he is, he just sorts of veggies out and escapes into his own private world. He says "life is what it is and I accept it stinks"...

You also have some good positives going for you. Your not married and have kids. This is important if you have a low cope factor to deal with life in general. It is hard nowdays, i too am currently unemployed and once I get adjusted to my new medication for depression, I know I will have to get out there and look for something that is low-paying and low stress as it was stress and depression and anxiety that put me where I am today. I quit my job and said enough is enough and like you I am surviving on a daily basis financial wise and *want* to find something to do, but I am really struggling with side-effects of withdrawing from one anti-depressant that pooped out on me and starting up a nother one, so I still have a month (perhaps two) before I am no longer dazed, confused, and other side effects of medical transition on an anti-depressant.

I think you will find something that you will enjoy doing eventually, and others will come on here other advice that will be different from mine. And dont regreat the loss of lost friends, you might try calling them and just say hi! and perhaps find some of them are open to keeping lines of communication open. You have to put forth some effort on your part or they make think you have abandoned them. And try and make your conversations 50/50, let them talk about themselves equal time. Perhaps some you can open up to by dropping a hint that you are struggling and they may want to help you. Smart people/friends can pick up on a hint and might come to your aid...

anyway I wish you luck... new friends will come along, perhaps at your acting place or at the library etc... sometimes it just takes a hint you need a friend and they might need one also....
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#6 JacksCreation

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 02:14 PM

Thanks for the replys jimbow, resselas and betteroff. You've made some great points.

I always get the impression my life would get better purely if I got a job and got a bit of money in my pocket. I would then be able to meet my friends and go out and socialize.

My friends are only at the click of a button (facebook) yet I dont feel the need to call or interact with them at this present time as I dont have a great deal to say to them.

Another problem is that I have no money, none. I cant call my friends and go on a night out if I have no money and I certianly dont want to ask my folks every time, it wouldn't be right.

I'm not really sure going to see a therapist/counciler would be all that wise if you havent got any money to pay for it.

My mother has only recently talked about if I'd like to travel, of course I would but again money talks and if you havent got any of it your not going to get very far.

#7 Rasselas

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 02:25 PM

Here in Canada, you can see a doctor and get your meds for free. I dont know where you're from but there must be some kind of financial support system you can find to help you pay to see a doctor. From what you have said, I strongly would suggest you see a therapist of some sort to help you with these issues. Maybe someone else here will be able to give you more specific advice on how you can get the money to see someone?

#8 JacksCreation

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 02:28 PM

I'm in England and we have the NHS so I suppose just turning up to see a doctor would be fine, just bit of a worry though.

Funnilly enough the place my mom said I should travel to is Canada, I have family in Vancouver.

#9 Rasselas

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 02:40 PM

I'm in England and we have the NHS so I suppose just turning up to see a doctor would be fine, just bit of a worry though.

Funnilly enough the place my mom said I should travel to is Canada, I have family in Vancouver.


Haha, that is funny.

I highly suggest you just turn up and see a doctor like you said. Just to get some outside perspective, you know?

#10 JacksCreation

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 02:45 PM

To be honest I wouldn't know what to say. You need to book to see a doctor so I would need to tell the receptionist why I need to see one which I'm not too sure if i'm comfortable saying.

#11 BetterOff

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 09:35 PM

Hello again, do an internet search for meetings in your area, usually a Psychologist is present and you a chance to speak your peace why you are there. You may not get a sessions worth out of it, but you will meet other people in the same boat and they have information there about where you can get free help (local free clinics) etc... Its a start, you will find others that are in the same boat as you, and also you will find out that there are people who are in far worse shape/condition than you and they talk about how they deal with it.

Also check out SSI - its for unemployed people with total assetts under $2,000. It will give you some relief if you really destitute and out of money... you can even file online...
Good Luck, and even if you can only see a regular doctor at a free clinic, you can open up and tell him what your problem is and he can make suggestions (perhaps medical help *is* needed as there is something called situational depression check it out!)

And please dont be afraid to tell the receptionist you are there for a mental evaluation or some such thing. They are also quite professional and trust me they wont blink an eye because you will be one in hundreds they see each month. Dump the macho thing and dont be embarrassed, I am male and I am not ashamed that I have a problem.
Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#12 BetterOff

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 09:38 PM

p.s. If you are really embarrassed to tell the receptionist, then tell her you are there for something else like sleep deprivation and then when the doctor comes in tell him why you are really there... There is more than one way to get to see the doctor without having to say I am having problems mentally....
Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#13 victoria38562

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Posted 10 January 2013 - 07:23 PM

I know how you feel. I had a baby at 17, am 18 now, and it just feels like every day is the same. Now before everyone judges me, I don't work. My boyfriend insists on me being a stay at home mom. Pretty much I have to stay inside all the time cleaning or trying to get the baby to stop crying. She's too young to get outside as it is either too hot or too cold. So I have to rely on my boyfriend for everything I have. I had just gotten my first job and started to support myself, the greatest feeling for me then. Now I'm pretty much back to being a helpless kid, it feels like. I lost all my high school friends too, they weren't great friends to begin with but at least I had a social life. Now I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of cracking from lack of sleep, having no social life, and being trapped in this house all the time. So you're not alone. I plan on going back to college when my baby is a year old, but until then my boyfriend thinks I should stay at home and take care of her and that's it. I don't WANT to feel like I'm wasting my life away, but I feel pretty useless sometimes.



#14 Omega Man

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Posted 19 January 2013 - 04:39 PM

Everybody else started doing other things like going to college, sixth form, enjoying themselves; it seemed easy and natural for them to move on. It was like everybody had an understanding of what they wanted to do, and I was the only one who didnt, I was clueless. Everybody seemed to grow up fast yet I stayed virtually the same. One by one my friends started doing their own things and drifted away and I quite quickly lost contact with everyone.

To be honest I grew a certain hatred towards them during the years I barely saw them. I felt like they had left me behind and had done all these things without me and didnt care, which I suppose they didnt, why should they. I blamed them for my short comings, like theyd let me down when all along Id let myself down. Id just closed myself off from everyone and wrecked everything. Id become a recluse. Id spend most of my day online wasting hours and doing zilch.
Not only do these two passages sound like I could have written them myself, I have experienced them more than once with different groups of friends. I can't offer any solutions but I can say that it isn't just you.

As others have mentioned, it's easy to look at the surface of someone else's situation and only see the positive they are projecting, not the negatives they are hiding. But even with that in mind, it's tough to understand how people can just seem to "go with the flow" with major life changes as if they know what they are doing. I tend to over think everything which ends up paralyzing me. I see these people transform from slacker 24/7 party people to parents going to the zoo and it seems like they just transformed overnight. I feel as I have maintained my personality while everyone is this shapeshifter chameleon.
"I should have taken the Blue pill"




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