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Chronic Feelings Of Emptiness


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#1 r90

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Posted 22 August 2010 - 12:18 PM

Hey guys, hope you're fine today :)

Most of us; people with BPD, suffer from what is called, chronic feelings of emptiness, many websites try to define it... I'd like to know more about emptiness, from a personal approach...

My personal feelings of emptiness are about not being loved and not having a gf!! When I see a certain girl, I imagine myself embracing her, why can everyone fall in love except me? This is my emptiness...

Now of course many BPD are in relationships, so I guess my emptiness differs from other BPD sufferers, would you like to share your experience? Thank you :)

r90
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#2 Avian86

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Posted 22 August 2010 - 10:11 PM

I've felt emptiness even when I was in relationships. Just that void in your gut where it feels like its bottoming out. The lack of achievement, accomplishment, and feeling loved.

#3 tealtastic

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Posted 23 August 2010 - 03:52 AM

I just feel like a shell. Like there is a massive void inside me. I've tried to fill it with other people & things like food, possessions, careers but it's unfillable. I describe the emptiness as nothingness - I am nothing inside. I've got friends and family around me but I still feel the nothingness swamping me. It is like no matter what I do to fill that void, nothing really matters. I am nothing of any significance.
Love After Love


The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give alcohol. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


Derek Walcott
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#4 HelloSweetie

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Posted 20 September 2010 - 04:56 PM

I feel emptiness in the sense that I feel like I'm going nowhere, like I have no ambitions and am constantly bored with my life and the people in it, like nothing I do really serves a genuine purpose. I guess it's like an existential emptiness.
And I spent the last seven years perched on the end of my bed, scratching

'I am incredibly sincere'


into my forearm
You should know better.


#5 akmtgr

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Posted 21 September 2010 - 08:47 PM

I feel emptiness because I can't find anything to watch on tv, no book satisfies me (I always get to the last chapter and quit), and it's like... relationship-wise I feel like there's a big hole that needs to be filled. Even though I try to find things to fill my emptiness like exercise, school, work, the emptiness always comes back to me. If I were busy all day and night at work, I wouldn't feel so empty. But it's times when I am alone and can think and I feel... blank and unsatisfied. I wonder if this will ever go away. I was only recently diagnosed with BPD, I hope it gets better.
Small is the number of people who see with their eyes and think with their minds.

#6 r90

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Posted 21 September 2010 - 09:19 PM

"HelloSweetie" & "akmtgr"

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, so I guess everyone's emptiness is different, yet it's emptiness after all... From what I've read so far, emptiness doesn't have any specific treatment, meds don't treat it at all, and I really don't know if therapy helps with it, good luck everyone =)

r90
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#7 Awt

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Posted 22 September 2010 - 08:59 AM

I like to think I'm a very articulate person, but my 'emptiness' is hard to put into words. Here are a few attempts:

Feeling that there is no 'depth' to me - All I am is the outward appearance as seen by others.

Loss of a feeling of continuity in time from my childhood to now: Feel estranged from past memories, as though they were dreams and never actually happened.

Feeling that life seems so long, as though I've been alive for hundreds of years.

No experiences that I thought I wanted so badly actually 'stick' with me the way I hoped they would. I even question if they happened at all.

Always seem to be 'waiting for the right time' and procrastinating - Need to change but seem to enjoy feeling isolated, as there's no effort involved.

Have no concept of being entitled to happiness, just feel guilty and betrayed by my own mind.



#8 bigblackdog

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 02:59 PM

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but I do understand many of the traits. Emptiness to me is related to not feeling connected to anyone. I know that I am loved by my family/friends but cannot seem to 'feel' it. It makes me feel like i'm made of vapour, as though there is something so vastly missing in me that others have but i don't. It spreads into other areas of my life, in that I cannot find anything within me to hold onto and therefore people become like ships in the night. Afterall if you can't connect with yourself how on earth do you connect with someone else? For a long time when anyone told me they loved me or they cared I felt angry because it felt as though they were lying because all I can hear are the words, there doesn't seem to be anything else that makes me feel loved. Like you said r90, I am desperately searching for that feeling of being completely encircled and held by someone but even when I am I feel either nothing or disgusting inside. That is what emptiness means to me.

#9 r90

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 07:13 PM

Awt: Thank you for your kind reply, I guess you've used the best words to describe emptiness...

bigblackdog: Also thank you for your reply, "not feeling connected to anyone", that describes me a lot!

It's good "and bad" to know that many people do suffer from emptiness, good in the sense of knowing that you're not alone!

r90
Borderline Personality Disorder: Is it just a diagnosis label or a constant chaos of suffering?

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#10 Girly

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Posted 14 October 2010 - 05:26 PM

The emptiness is scary/upsetting/lonely/angry/terrifying. I feel as though I need other people around me and that if nobody is there something really bad will happen to me.

The worse things I'll do to myself or others will do to me. I have never posted on here what these are as I am terrified of the inside of my own mind. I am frightened of so many things but in a really weird way. i love reading but I read really scary books. Maybe to try and stop myself thinking too much? I was doing better with being 'alone' but things have taken a bad turn at the moment.

For me I have the horrid relationship after relationship and never being able to understand why this happened. I am now 33. I was diagnosed two years ago and only really understood/accepted the diagnosis last year. I am really, really working hard with this. Trying to accept boundaries etc and I am moving forward with this.

I think I have a couple of dual diagnosis issues that I need to talk to my therapist about.
Girly


"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow". ღ ~Maya Angelou

Diagnosis - Borderline Personality Disorder. Meds - citalopram and olanzapine.

#11 Violet31

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 08:53 PM

Hi everyone,

I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but I can relate to many of the symptoms and feel that in some aspects of my life I do have BPD.

The chronic feeling of emptiness I can relate to. I had that for a very long time, but it went away. It had to do with my love relationships. After my divorce I felt my feelings were deeply frozen, so I had and still have therapy. My therapist gave me the advice to pour all my energies into creating and writing, and building a self-confidence.

I realized I had deep anger issues, so I started anger management combined with Tai Chi. My anger had a lot to do with dissappointment because I expected too much of people. Now I don´t feel the same.

The feeling of emptiness went away. I cannot explain why or how. One day I woke up and felt happiness deep inside. There was no reason. I watched my child play with our cat and felt happy. Had my coffee and read the paper. Felt good and didn´t realize it until later.

I recently split up with my boyfriend because our relationship was not working. I had some feelings of emptiness after that, but it didn´t last for long. I´m taking a time off from relationships, while working with my therapist on my issues.

:hugs:
When you´re going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill


When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Viktor Frankl

Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
Jean-Paul Sartre


Use adversity      Declare Independence 

Violet :rose:

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#12 TwilightZephyr

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Posted 19 October 2010 - 05:47 AM

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I relate to it. Specially this symptom. I think I've written tons of poems on this topic...lol.

But as something other described to me it's an unfulfillable void. ***** within myself to the point where I don't feel like anything exists, no thoughts, inspirations, dreams, feelings, compassion, ect. A lot of the times when I felt like this I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions (as buffy would say). Also sometimes paired with derealization and not even thinking I exist.

To me it's almost a complete lack of feeling. I would tend to alternate between this being overwhelmed by emotions and feelings.

#13 AngelOfTheMoor

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Posted 19 October 2010 - 06:10 PM

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, either, but I wonder if something that I constantly feel would fit in with "emptiness."

Ever since I was very young, I've always felt this sort of hollowness. That's the best word I can use to describe it: hollowness. Like my heart is empty and yearns for something to fill it. Like everything I do is just a way to distract myself from the hollowness that is at my core.

I don't feel emotionless or like a robot. Sometimes, I can even find certain tasks fulfilling.

But the older I get, the more it seems that my life is just a series of distractions. From what, I don't know.

That fundamental hollowness, I conjecture.

#14 AricB

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Posted 02 November 2010 - 10:20 AM

I have been diagnosed with BPD

I read these, and i really identified with what bigblackdog said in his post. So i took part of what he said and modified it to match me much closer. this is what i came up with...


When anyone tells me they love me or they care, I feel angry because it feels as though they are lying. All I can hear are the words, there doesn't seem to be anything that makes me feel loved. I am desperately searching for that feeling of being completely encircled and held by someone, but when I am held, I feel either nothing or disgusting inside. This is part of what emptiness means to me.

This emptiness is one of the reasons for my pit of despair. Whats the point of living if anything that is supposed to be good and positive is actually something horrible to me? Getting a simple hug is one of the worst things in the world. Only thing worse is someone coming at me in a sexual manner. I freeze up.

Please let me go. I don't want to be me anymore.

#15 tealtastic

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Posted 02 November 2010 - 10:52 AM

I have been diagnosed with BPD
When anyone tells me they love me or they care, I feel angry because it feels as though they are lying. All I can hear are the words, there doesn't seem to be anything that makes me feel loved. I am desperately searching for that feeling of being completely encircled and held by someone, but when I am held, I feel either nothing or disgusting inside. This is part of what emptiness means to me.

This emptiness is one of the reasons for my pit of despair. Whats the point of living if anything that is supposed to be good and positive is actually something horrible to me? Getting a simple hug is one of the worst things in the world. Only thing worse is someone coming at me in a sexual manner. I freeze up.

Please let me go. I don't want to be me anymore.



AricB :console:

You sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. I know that right now, you can't remember feeling any different, or believe that these emotions will fade, but probably the only good thing about our illness is that the bad feelings WILL pass eventually. There's always a brighter day around the corner. Hold on to that.

I understand exactly what you're describing and it's really painful. Whenever anyone hugs me I freeze too. Then I pull away too soon, because I don't believe that deep down they really want to hug me at all. I'm still waiting for that hug that feels right too :sadwalk:

Are you getting any professional support? I find that just being able to talk about my pain makes it a little bit more bearable. I'm not sure which country you're in but as well as the medics there are also BPD support groups (in person or online) which can help you feel less isolated in your suffering too.

I know it hurts being you & I know how much of a struggle carrying on is. BUT, hold on. Keep going. We're here for you, and we understand. You're not on your own. Please keep talking to us. We will help you through the bad times.


Teal :hugs:
Love After Love


The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give alcohol. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


Derek Walcott
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#16 Beanchop99

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Posted 02 November 2010 - 06:21 PM

Hi AricB,

I'm so you're suffering so much! These feelings of despair are simply terrible to bear. I truly understand how you're feeling.

I wish I had some sage advice, some magic answer, but all I can say is that these feelings will pass. Things really do get better. Just hang in there, and keep talking. Talking helps.

~Bean


Truth. Beauty. Freedom. Love.
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#17 Hood

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Posted 08 November 2010 - 09:20 AM

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but I do understand many of the traits. Emptiness to me is related to not feeling connected to anyone. I know that I am loved by my family/friends but cannot seem to 'feel' it. It makes me feel like i'm made of vapour, as though there is something so vastly missing in me that others have but i don't. It spreads into other areas of my life, in that I cannot find anything within me to hold onto and therefore people become like ships in the night. Afterall if you can't connect with yourself how on earth do you connect with someone else? For a long time when anyone told me they loved me or they cared I felt angry because it felt as though they were lying because all I can hear are the words, there doesn't seem to be anything else that makes me feel loved. Like you said r90, I am desperately searching for that feeling of being completely encircled and held by someone but even when I am I feel either nothing or disgusting inside. That is what emptiness means to me.


I am diagnosed with asperger ( or more correctly atypical autism) and can relate to those feelings of "missing something that others have", and troubles connecting to people at times.
Have you spoken about these things with a psychiatrist?






Edited by Hood, 08 November 2010 - 09:21 AM.


#18 IsoZeiss

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Posted 13 December 2010 - 06:14 PM

I'm not dx'd as BPD but can this be considered feeling of emptiness?

When I'm hanging out with my friends (rare but it does happen) I often feel a combination of dissapointment and as if I've been numbed out a little bit. Or I feel like there is a thick sheet of bullet proof glass like the ones you see at banks surrounding me or is standing between me and everyone else.

Or I suddenly feel as if I've become hollow and feel something that I can only describe as a buzzing or static like feeling all over, from within me, around my enviroment and the whole universe. I get a sense of desperation and anxiety and almost like I'm a ghost emotionally and I'm slipping in and out of what everyone else sees as reality and that of a parallel reality or another state of existance, very surreal.
Humor can be a powerful tool.

The ability to make others laugh when you yourself are in pain shows there is hope. To have hope for yourself and for others to have hope in you.


"Yet why not say what happened?" - Robert Lowell

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#19 r90

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 05:43 AM

I'm not dx'd as BPD but can this be considered feeling of emptiness?

When I'm hanging out with my friends (rare but it does happen) I often feel a combination of dissapointment and as if I've been numbed out a little bit. Or I feel like there is a thick sheet of bullet proof glass like the ones you see at banks surrounding me or is standing between me and everyone else.

Or I suddenly feel as if I've become hollow and feel something that I can only describe as a buzzing or static like feeling all over, from within me, around my enviroment and the whole universe. I get a sense of desperation and anxiety and almost like I'm a ghost emotionally and I'm slipping in and out of what everyone else sees as reality and that of a parallel reality or another state of existance, very surreal.


A comibnation of dissapointment; I surely can relate to this! Yes, I consider this to be a severe extended feeling of emptiness, and how it does affect our daily emotions and feelings!
Borderline Personality Disorder: Is it just a diagnosis label or a constant chaos of suffering?

DepressionForums.org is a community support group for mental health issues, our job is to support, if you're seeking a medical advice or treatment, please refer to a qualified mental health professional
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#20 IsoZeiss

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 09:39 AM


I'm not dx'd as BPD but can this be considered feeling of emptiness?

When I'm hanging out with my friends (rare but it does happen) I often feel a combination of dissapointment and as if I've been numbed out a little bit. Or I feel like there is a thick sheet of bullet proof glass like the ones you see at banks surrounding me or is standing between me and everyone else.

Or I suddenly feel as if I've become hollow and feel something that I can only describe as a buzzing or static like feeling all over, from within me, around my enviroment and the whole universe. I get a sense of desperation and anxiety and almost like I'm a ghost emotionally and I'm slipping in and out of what everyone else sees as reality and that of a parallel reality or another state of existance, very surreal.


A comibnation of dissapointment; I surely can relate to this! Yes, I consider this to be a severe extended feeling of emptiness, and how it does affect our daily emotions and feelings!


It's frustrating. I can look sooo forward to getting together with a group of friends, imagining all the things we could talk and joke about, how much fun it will be and all the happy and awesome memories I'll make. But majority of the time, once I'm either there or right when I come home after a "fun" night I just feel numb and desperate, like somethings missing or there's no real connection with anyone. And that same cycle repeats itself over and over.
Humor can be a powerful tool.

The ability to make others laugh when you yourself are in pain shows there is hope. To have hope for yourself and for others to have hope in you.


"Yet why not say what happened?" - Robert Lowell

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#21 biddle__

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Posted 15 March 2011 - 08:40 PM

I feel really different from everyone else and like no one else understands me or is like me. The emptiness physically feels like a big hole in the base of my stomach. I dont really know how to explain it but everyone else has done a beautiful job.
xo laura

#22 Kat55

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 03:18 PM

For me the feeling of emptiness relates to my inability to feel a connection with other people. I have a few real friends, feel disconnected to most people, and it's not because I want to be like that. I believe that the emptiness is further characterized because even though I am in a relationship, where I am told that I am loved, the emptiness is never filled... I know that they do love me, but at the same time, I don't believe them, or have trouble accepting it. I worry that the feeling of emptiness won't ever go away completely, and that it's going to keep me from truely letting myself be free. I feel caged by it sometimes I guess.



#23 Spiritual_Wanderer

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 03:37 PM

This was a really great thread to bump! I can so relate to feelings of emptiness. Some of it has been filled by spirituality, but it's always still kind of there.

...Not having any friends, not seeking social situations out...
...Feeling like I can never reach my potential or achieve the things I really want...
...Never having relationships...
...Just feeling like an alien in general or that I don't belong here...
...Feeling really different and that I don't fit in with what is "normal"...
...Thinking the world is a horrible place with suffering everywhere...

All of those things contribute to it.

:shocked:
Many Blessings,
SW
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Don't let the muggles get you down. ― J.K. Rowling

#24 Shattered Soldier

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 03:47 PM

I can't enjoy a sunset or a beautiful sunny day. I can't enjoy family gatherings, holidays, or special events like I used to. I know that I am loved but I cannot feel it. I used to love my birthday, now I feel like its the most empty day of the year. Music doesn't affect me the way it used to. Memories carry no nostalgia, only jealousy at scorn for all that life has taken away from me. I am an empty shell who prays for complete restoration to the way I was before this hit me. Sometimes I tell myself that things will get better, sometimes I know that I am only distracting myself from how terrible things really are, sometimes I find comfort in the fact that every day is one step closer to death.

Mike

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#25 Liliah

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 05:07 PM

Hey,

I've taken to calling that feeling, whatever it is, which renders me shaken with this deep, empty, hollow "the static." I've never been able to figure out precisely where it comes from when it hits, as I have Major Depressive and Borderline Personality disorder. My assumption is the latter, because even when I am on a good, working anti-depressant (for example, right now; Parnate has been extremely helpful) and anxiety medication, it still sneaks up on me. The only way I've come even close to controlling it is through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and very, very, very regular and careful concentration and practice. But I am a novice at the study, truly, and am usually not able to fight it off. Perhaps acknowledge it is a better way to put it.

I can think of one concrete example that really illuminated for me how serious and painful this aspect of BPD is (though it's no doubt triggered by my MDD, GAD, and PTSD, and vice versa). I was at one of my dearest friends and a long-time writing partner's wedding this fall. Despite being asked—and quite honored—to read at their ceremony, I found myself feeling, inside, so very marooned from nearly everyone else at the reception. It is true that I was only two months away from entering the hospital at my own volition (and that I was on Emsam, which had stopped working), and thus not in a great state, but even at such a joyous occasion, where I was absolutely included in a very precious, generous, and memorable ways, I could not shake the sneaking static. It must have been fairly apparent, as several friends whom I hadn't seen in a while approached me with concern. And it's true: I was not really okay at all.

At the hospital, I engaged in approximately five weeks of DBT, which I implore anyone suffering from BPD to try. It takes a load of commitment and the progress is never linear—in fact, it is practically expected that you will return for a refresher, so to speak—but is quite educational. It is my hope that with more appropriate therapy, now that I've found a model that suites me, and the proper medication, I can at least control this exceedingly painful symptom. Personally, I find it the hardest to manage. It's so encompassing. The pull. A real black hole. But there is hope. That I—rather, we—must believe.

With you all,
Liliah





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