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[hungryhomer]

I'm married, have 2 kids and have been experiencing a debilitating depression recently.  I feel my only purpose in life is to make money to support my family.  I hate my job and feel stuck there, since I don't think I can get another job that pays as well and my wife doesn't work, so I'm the sole breadwinner.  I know that I'll never be able to retire, and I will just work until I die.  This situation leaves me very depressed and feeling trapped with no hope and no options.

I've become obsessed with money, figuring that if I can find ways to make money outside of work I might have a chance to retire someday.  I tried the stock market and found it to be extremely stressful and it took over my entire existence. (I just lost $6200 this week day trading)  The stock market was my last hope for a better life and I failed again.  I feel like I'm a failure at everything, not performing well at work, losing my hard earned money by gambling in the market.

I come home completely exhausted from work and stressed out.  I've lost interest in many things I used to enjoy.  I have some better days, but often the bad days are so overwhelming they are nearly debilitating.  There are many days I ignore the family and get drunk to escape from the pain of reality.  I'm destroying my family in the process, the only reason I live, and I know that I need to change my behavior.  

The hopelessness and lack of ambition I feel at work, and the failure in the stock market has pushed me over the edge and I have begun fantasizing about escaping my situation through death.  I have been punching myself in the head and banging my head against the wall whenever the anger and pain is overwhelming.  These urges come randomly and are hard to overcome.  I've tried punching pillows and throwing ice- neither helped. I just started snapping a rubber band on my wrist and it seems to take the edge off.  

I've just begun antidepressants and just learned about CBT. I want to change and be happy again, but it's so hard. Has anyone experienced anything similar and how do you cope?

[henrithecat]

Well hungryhomer, I can't say I've experienced anything similar to your situation, but I definitely know how it feels to be depressed and hopeless, and to have very dark thoughts and act out my emotions through self-harm.  I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I really hope you can come to believe that there will be better days in your future.

I also know how it feels to hate and feel trapped in a job, and I'm sorry you are experiencing that too.  In this economy, it's not easy to just shop around for something better, and it can be very hard to go back to that job day in and day out.

I'm glad you have begun antidepressants and I really hope they work out for you.  Have you posted in the forum for the specific med you are taking? I find that there is TONS of helpful information in the medication forums, they have helped me out quite a bit already.  Sometimes it takes a while to find the right med or perfect dosage, but don't give up - your doctor will guide you through it every step of the way.

Please consider counseling - talking to a professional can help SO much, even if you only have a few sessions.  I am not sure of your personal situation, but if you feel that your drinking is becoming difficult to control you might consider AA as well.  I know many people who have benefited greatly from that community.

And finally, PLEASE please please don't forget how much your children love you and need you.  If you cannot live for anything else at all, you can live for them.  I really hope that you start to feel better soon.

-h.t.c.

[criggs88]

Hungryhomer,
Please hang in there. I am in a similar situation. I am a single mom and constantly work to support him. Never get to spend time with him. He has grown closer to my family than his own mother. And work is awful. My schedule changes weekly, they overload me, give me new big projects every couple of weeks and I never get to complete any of them. Makes me feel like a failure. The overwhelming stress of it all has sent me into a deep depression. Ruining every other aspect of my life. I am now going through a tough breakup with a man I love dearly. He told me today "youre a great person to have in my life but only when you're happy" this was heart breaking!

I started ad 3 weeks or so ago. I got better then worse and now I think I'm much better. Just starting today. So give the meds time to work. Trust me I know its tough.

I started anew way of thinking today (might be meds kicking in). I am not going to let anyone or anything get me down. Force myself to look only at the positive side of things. At work today I had a hard time because I had a lot to do, and the students were giving me a hard time. That normally ruins my day. But today I thought, I am given all this work because I'm the only one that they trust to do it. I'm the only one who can do it right. As far as the student, I wanted to smack everyone of them upside the head. But instead I thought, I am helping them. They may not understand now. But eventually they will. And they will be glad I was there. As far as my boyfriend, that got me down for about an hour. Untill I thought, you know what, I was fine and happy before I met him and I can be after him too. I'm a good person and if things don't work out with us, one day I will find someone who cares about me enough to be there for me when I need him most. It may be way in the future. And even if it doesn't happen, I have my son, my family, and a couple good friends that will always be there for me the way he isnt!

And now I feel relaxed and I'm not crying. Try to look at things that way. It's hard but you have to not give up until you convinced yourself these things are true. It takes time. I've been trying for over a week and I'm just now getting the hang of it.

Hang in there. If you need to talk at all pm me. I'm always here.

[hungryhomer]

Thanks for both of your replies- they were helpful.  I'm realizing I was in denial about my depression for a long time.  "Coming out" about it and speaking with people in real life was first embarrassing, but everyone seems so supportive.  I'm hoping that there is no stigma attached to it that affects my work performance reviews.

My HR department at work is supportive and suggested some free counseling.  I identified a Cognative Behavioral Therapy specialist in the area and will see if my insurance will cover the treatment. I honestly think the drugs won't help much (like painkillers will alleviate the pain but won't fix your broken arm), so I think I need the CGT.  I need to change my response to situations and learn to avoid getting into the situations that cause the most angst.

I took Xanax and started venlafaxine.  I don't think the drugs work this fast, but I haven't had an urge to hurt myself or had feelings of anger since taking the drugs.  I don't feel happy, but I'm not emotional either.  Do these drugs deaden emotions?

Since taking the drugs, I've felt very tired and slept almost 10 hours.  Maybe I'm just catching up on lost sleep?  I can't stop yawning when I'm awake.  I don't remember any dreams which is also unusual.  I felt a little nauseated and dizzy at times.  Not as much of an appetite as I usually have.  But I have to admit, my thoughts are more focused already- I don't hear all the "noise" in my head that I had earlier.  Do the drugs really kick in this fast?

[Violet31]

 hungryhomer, on Jul 10 2010, 06:45 AM, said:

Thanks for both of your replies- they were helpful.  I'm realizing I was in denial about my depression for a long time.  "Coming out" about it and speaking with people in real life was first embarrassing, but everyone seems so supportive.  I'm hoping that there is no stigma attached to it that affects my work performance reviews.

My HR department at work is supportive and suggested some free counseling.  I identified a Cognative Behavioral Therapy specialist in the area and will see if my insurance will cover the treatment. I honestly think the drugs won't help much (like painkillers will alleviate the pain but won't fix your broken arm), so I think I need the CGT.  I need to change my response to situations and learn to avoid getting into the situations that cause the most angst.

I took Xanax and started venlafaxine.  I don't think the drugs work this fast, but I haven't had an urge to hurt myself or had feelings of anger since taking the drugs.  I don't feel happy, but I'm not emotional either.  Do these drugs deaden emotions?

Since taking the drugs, I've felt very tired and slept almost 10 hours.  Maybe I'm just catching up on lost sleep?  I can't stop yawning when I'm awake.  I don't remember any dreams which is also unusual.  I felt a little nauseated and dizzy at times.  Not as much of an appetite as I usually have.  But I have to admit, my thoughts are more focused already- I don't hear all the "noise" in my head that I had earlier.  Do the drugs really kick in this fast?

Hi Hungryhomer.

I´m glad to hear you´re taking action and doing all the right things to help yourself. The medicine combined with CBT will help you. Exerice is part of this   combination of treatment and it will help you. The drugs can deaden emotion for a while, but then your mind will balance it out. Give it time.

The side effects you describe are very common, but they will disappear over time.  Sleeping too much, feeling nauseated and dizzy, less appetite and headaches are very common. It will go away and the black fog will lift. The new meds kick in really fast, but in some cases you have to wait for 3-4 weeks for your mind to clear.

Your situation is very difficult but there are solutions to everything if you´re determined to seek a better life for yourself. First, let the drugs do their job. Then there are ways to get more income and start a better life.

I´ve known periods where I made lots of money and could go abroad twice a year, give the kids what they wanted and never had to think about money (I´m divorced). The economic crash in Iceland in 2008 took all my money and my life savings. I worked and worked, got really depressed and was in bed for months on end. I got myself on my feet again by talking to my doctor who changed my drugs, then I started CBT, exercised every day and worked on my depression using self-help books. I can recommend "Undoing Depression - What Therapy Doesn´t Teach you and Medication Can´t Give You". Now I´m looking for solution and justice from the courts to reclaim my money and increasing my income.

Best wishes to you, keep posting and let us know how you do.

[hungryhomer]

I stopped taking the Xanax but still taking the venlafaxine and I'm feeling less tired, but still not at my usual energy level.

Still not having any self-harm thoughts.  But also not feeling much emotion at all.  Still having side effects which I will post in the drug topic section.

I still need to schedule the counseling.