I hate the fact that I feel so jealous of others. It has gotten so worse lately that I don't know what to do with myself. To me jealousy is horrible and evil. I hate myself for feeling it so strongly. I constantly have this belief of how I am inferior to others, and I am beginning to accept that it is true.
I have several groups of friends that I care for, even though sometimes I can't stand the way they act. But same goes for them, they probably can't stand the way I act sometimes either. Anyhow, I guess you can say that I am pretty attached to this one group of girls. Why? I don't really know myself. It's interesting because we are so different from each other. Sometimes I wonder how we all became friends in the first place. I don't even know why I regard them so highly. In the group, the total is four, including me. We were 'created' last year. Some interesting events of stress in our lives have made this our fate. Lol. So I'll label those friends A, B, C.
Then there is another friend of mine. I'll call her P. I sometimes really can't stand her. I have known her and hung out with her during high school. Most of the time, I found it only ok to hang out with her once in a while. Other than that, hanging out with her too much makes me feel terrible, and I snap sometimes. Generally, I am a pretty cool person who doesn't snap or give attitude. It takes a lot for that to happen to me.
Anyhow, to make things simple, all of us are mutual friends. Recently, P has been hanging out with me and the group of girls. It all started when she started talking to B. B is a very open person, so P has convinced her somehow to be invited to things we do. And within the group of girls, A knows P since high school like me. For the past few times that me and A hung out, P finds out and hangs out with us too just because her other friends are busy. Basically, I am getting tired of hanging out with P. For the last few times we hung out, I found myself shutting up and having no personality. I found myself feeling jealous. This is the point where my thoughts get nasty. I feel like my friends are going to forget about me because she is more fun. She is also updated with a lot of things in the world, whereas I am just well...lost in the world? Sometimes, I feel like she is trying to prove that she is much better than me. And, sadly, it works. As of right now, I feel so inferior to her that I don't even feel any self-worth anymore. Sometimes I want to tell my friends that I don't want to hang out with her, but I can't. They all seem to really like her, and I feel like I will eventually get pushed out of the picture. I also don't want to start anything. I just know that they will like her more than me.
At this point, I just want to isolate myself from everyone. I hate the fact that P invaded my space. Last year, I went through something similar, and I can't stand the fact that it's happening again this year. I just want to **** myself. It's always like this. Just when I am starting to find happiness and a place to be in my life--aside from family and friend problems I have to deal with--someone comes in and steals it from me. At least that's what it feels like. I can't stand it anymore--it keeps happening. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am starting to feel that being myself isn't enough, but that's all I can be. I just want to isolate myself so I don't have to deal with these feelings of jealousy or being replaced by someone who I don't really like. Honestly, I don't know why I have been hanging out with P all these years. It's like, she always come back. As stupid as it is, I hate the fact that she is majoring in the same thing I am. I feel like she can do better in it than me too. Whenever we talk, she talks like she knows her stuff, (yeah she does) and for me, she will be like "You didn't know that?"
I don't feel happy anymore. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know where I stand even though I thought I did. I was a confident and better person before. I use to be a lot nicer too. Maybe my happiness and confidence was a lie. Now I feel like an unworthy piece of nothing. If P wants to have a place in the group, fine, she can have it. I don't even want to hang out anymore if she's going to be there. I am tired of seeing her. Seeing her on an individual basis in the past was a pain already, and now that I have to see her even more often since my friends like her, I don't want any part in that. I have other issues in life (I can't even think about now) to deal with already. I don't want to deal with this problem of jealousy. Problems just keeps adding up this year and I don't know how to handle all my feelings anymore. I feel so burnt out. I do have friends who would probably understand my situation, but up to this point, I don't even want to bother telling them anything. It's just going to waste their time...they have better things to do. I don't want to see anybody anymore. I don't know how many times I typed this but, I don't know what to do with my feelings or myself. Everything is falling apart. I don't know how to organize my thoughts and feelings...I'm sorry for sounding obnoxious. I really don't mean to...
Thank you for reading,
Edited by flowing_waters, 25 June 2010 - 02:09 PM.