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Need Advise How To Deal With 19 Year Old Son.


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3 replies to this topic

#1 WannaBeInFrance

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Posted 12 June 2010 - 08:22 PM

I have never reached out in this manner before but I am at my wits end about what to do with my 19-year-old son who lives at home with me. IM extremely depressed, physically sick very frustrated.

When he was four years old, his mom and I divorced and it was very bitter. Throughout the next many years we were very close and had a great relationship. There was nothing he wouldn't tell me and he was proud of me as I was of him. As he began to get older he was really struggling with how to deal with his mother's bipolar problems. His mom was of the mindset where kids didn't have to do anything. She cooked, cleaned the house and cleaned up after the kids. At her house they had no chores of their own. Despite her ongoing attempts to sabotage our relationship we remained extremely close. I lived close by and was a part of his daily life. . One of the mistakes I made early on was to not enforce discipline to try and be his friend since I had limited time with him. I didn't want the short time we had together to be negative.

We shared the love of motorcycles and have been riding dirt bikes together since he was very little. When he turned 12, we stumbled into an opportunity for him to race motorcycles. He absolutely excelled and over the next few years became widely regarded as the next up-and-coming national/international superstar. From 12 years to 16 years, I was able to afford to pay for his racing on the local amateur level. It took literally every penny I had and I literally put my life on hold so that he might be able to fulfill his dream of becoming a professional motorcycle racer. for those four years all I did was work and help him with his racing.

When he turned 17 he wanted to move in with me, which is normal for a teenage boy in my mind. Yet I still had to fight his mom over this in court. Due to his age, we were granted the change in custody immediately.

This is where things started to fall apart. From the time he moved in he has never accepted the responsibility to contribute to the household or family. He feels he is entitled to everything. I am just a regular working-class guy who rents a nice apartment but we live on the border of a very affluent city. As such, he is entitled to a permit to attend this very upscale high school. So his friends live in multimillion dollar homes and they drive their own new cars to school. Something that I am not able to provide for him in addition to spending every penny I had on his racing. he sees these other perceived families with a mother and father, in a beautiful house, a home cooked family meal every night and all the material things provided for them and according to my son they don't have to do anything to earn it. in addition to him not doing anything around the house or to properly take care of his dog or go to school properly, he would do nothing towards developing his racing other than riding the bike. He just expected me to do it all, build his website, networking and working on his motorcycles. Are

In June of 2008, my son's mom passed away suddenly from cancer. It was a very tragic thing that he was not on good terms with her at the time. Supposedly they reconciled on her deathbed but I know it's still bothers him greatly.

In 2008 and 2009 he was signed to fully sponsored contracts to race on a local level. Unfortunately, both of these teams he raced for did not fill their contractual promises and his results suffered. Now in 2010 with the economy the way it is, there is no opportunity for him to continue racing without our buying our way into a team which costs at least $100,000. All this year he has been in denial about his racing and keeps thinking things will come around. I have a small nest egg saved from inheritance and will soon be able to buy a home for us. But he is extremely resentful that I don't take that money and invest it in his racing. He is just too immature to understand that the current economical feasibility of becoming a professional racer in this environment is next to impossible without very deep pockets. He sees his friends that he has been racing with 12 years old move up to the professional ranks and watch them on television.

So here we are now and not getting along at all. I still work six days a week leaving the house at 5 a.m. and getting home around 6 p.m. He expects a nice home-cooked sitdown meal every night, thinks he shouldn't have to pick up after himself or me, won't take care of the dog properly, sleeps all day and stays up till three or four o'clock in the morning watching television or playing video games. He thinks I should provide him a car, insurance, cell phone and pocket money. I should say that he does have a job and is a good worker outside of the house.

For the last several months we have been going to counseling but it just doesn't seem to be changing anything. The biggest problem I have in all of this that he admits that he treats me differently from anyone else. When I talked to his employers, his friends parents and other people in the racing environment, they all say what a great kid he is and what a hard worker he is. He openly admits that he treats me differently than anyone else, that he can't explain it and that's just the way it is. I have a really hard time accepting that given that all I've done for him and gladly. All I've ever done for him is fight for him with his mother and the courts, fought for him to achieve his dream of racing and to become strong and happy young man. Yet he can't put away a couple dishes or take the dog out for a walk. He is very selfish and narcissistic. He routinely either forgets or ignores my birthday, Father's Day and Christmas yet expects extravagant gifts from me. When it's time for the holidays, he routinely shuns me and chooses to go visit his mom's side of the family rather than be with me. So I find out yesterday that his uncle's are getting together in San Francisco for the weekend and have decided to buy him a ticket to go up and join them. In theory that's great but Monday's my birthday and once again it hasn't even entered into his mind or he doesn't care. He won't be back till Tuesday.

As I stated earlier I am really at my wits end, feeling nauseous and going in and out of crying episodes as to how the little boy I love so much could turn into such a mean and selfish person when it comes to me only. Sorry for the rambling and I hope this is understandable. I would really love some kind of insight as to how to deal with this as I sure can't figure it out.

Edited by WannaBeInFrance, 12 June 2010 - 08:28 PM.


#2 Guest_iowa_*

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Posted 12 June 2010 - 08:51 PM

Hi WannaBeInFrance and :shocked: to DF!
I think the most important thing right now is for there to be a clear distinction that you are the parent and he is the son. Although he is nearly 20, he still has immature thinking, not helped at all by being around privileged children. He needs some good doses of reality even if it means that things will be negative or uncomfortable. If he is working, his earnings should pay for any "perks" that he wants, like a car, cell phone, etc. Your role is provide the roof over his head and his meals. You need to be consistent and honest. Tell him when he hurts you, for example about missing your birthday. Tell him that you love him and want to see him be a man with good values and the ability to make his own way in the world. Nothing you will do, you do to make him miserable or unhappy, but rather to build his character.
iowa

#3 jimbow15

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Posted 23 June 2010 - 02:54 PM

Hi WannaBeInFrance,

I hope you found the advice from Iowa helpful.

If you need any further support PM me or any Moderator.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." Albert E.


Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#4 sarah1221

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Posted 23 June 2010 - 03:10 PM

Hi WannaBeInFrance,

I hope you found the advice from Iowa helpful.

If you need any further support PM me or any Moderator.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow



Hi,

sounds like an awful situation to be in. I'm 22 I live on my own. I pay my own bills myself do my own housework. I am not privileged to a car or everyday luxurious.

I am a single parent, with no support from a either of my parents. I find it shocking how badly your son is treating you, after all the support, time, effort and love you have given him over the years. I am not really good on advice but if it were me i would put clear boundaries around the house and if they are not met from your son i would remove luxurious from him. so like... you make an agreement with him of what you are willing to do like I will pay the internet bill and allow you to use it if you keep your bedroom tidy do your OWN washing and clear your dishes away. If he doesnt do these things remove the internet from him. He he acts like a child treat him like a child. you really need to do this otherwise the situation will get worse, he could end up treating woman they way he treats you.

I really hope things sort themselves out for you. let me know how you get on. or if you want to chat




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