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For Relatives and Friends-How to Help a Depressed Person


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#1 Lindsay

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Posted 19 March 2006 - 10:52 AM

For Relatives and Friends

How to Help a Depressed Person


The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging
he most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication.


The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

source: National Institute of Health Publication No. NIH-99-3561


Understanding Your Own Feelings Towards a Depressed Person


Taking care of a depressed person is often very stressful and frustrating. Many who are close to a depressed person have tried everything they know in order to get the person to seek help. They have also struggled with trying to make things better for the depressed person, often to the point of their own exhaustion. Sometimes, caretakers become depressed themselves as they find that their efforts have made little difference. Family and friends of depressed people miss the former person they knew. They see the dark cloud of depression not only affecting the person's life, work and family, but they see it eating away at their own relationship as well.

Those who are close to a depressed person often struggle with their own feelings toward the person. Feelings of concern, frustration, and fear combined with futile efforts to make things better can lead to stronger feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, resentment, and guilt. Please know that these feelings are very normal. No one can make another person get help for depression, and no one can take away another person's depression.

People who are depressed may behave in ways that are uncharacteristic for them when they are not depressed. It is not uncommon for a depressed person to be irritable, angry, argumentative, withdrawn, unmotivated, lethargic, and self-defeating. They may say things that are hurtful, harsh, irrational, or unusual. For those who are not depressed, these behaviors are hard to understand and very difficult to bear.

As a relative or friend of a depressed person you should pay attention to your own feelings. If you find that you are feeling overwhelmed, overly frustrated, depressed, anxious, exhausted, or guilty, then it is time to start taking better care of yourself. You cannot help another person if you are struggling yourself.



Taking Care of Yourself

Please keep these things in mind:

Your feelings and reactions are normal. Friends and family of those who are depressed experience a range of emotions, from compassion and empathy to anger, frustration, and even hatred. These feelings can be expected since it is very difficult not to take personally a depressed person's behaviors. A depressed person's life is being negatively affected by depression, but so is yours.

You don't have to be alone. Dealing with depression on your own can be a lonely and isolating task. Your friends may not understand, yet you need the support of others. Depression is a common illness, and there are many others who also have a depressed person in their lives. You may wish to join a support group and connect with others who understand your struggles.

It's not your fault. It is not uncommon for family and friends of depressed people to feel guilty or wonder if they hold some responsibility for another person's depression. Depression does not occur because of anything you say or do. Depression is a medical condition, like diabetes or heart disease, that needs to be treated.

Your feelings will change with time. Family and friends of depressed people go through various emotional phases. Initial reactions include disbelief or denial. It may seem that depression will just magically go away if it goes unacknowledged. After some time, people may experience some anger or resentment that life as they know it has changed. People also may feel grief that the person they once knew seems lost to them. After a depressed person seeks treatment and begins to feel better, family and friends often feel relieved and lucky or blessed that things are improving again.

Don't lose hope. Depression is a very treatable illness! Psychotherapy and/or medication have been shown to be quite effective. Eighty percent or more of those who seek help for treatment can feel better within several weeks.

Take good care of yourself. You will need to set boundaries and limits on how much you can and will do. this is a healthy and necessary thing to do. It is okay to take a vacation from caretaking once in a while. Schedule time for yourself and do things that bring you enjoyment and satisfaction. This is not being "selfish," it is being healthy and compassionate towards yourself. You may also choose to seek counseling in order to have a place to process and manage your own feelings.
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#2 Guest_sarah-nicole_*

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Posted 19 March 2006 - 11:00 AM

For Relatives and Friends

How to Help a Depressed Person



The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.


Thank you Lindsay,
I will print this and put it on my coffee table so the next time I feel ignored about my depression or pressured into doing things I am not ready for, I will have this person read this first!!

Sarah-nicole

#3 artyoucanfeel

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Posted 31 March 2006 - 05:00 AM

For Relatives and Friends

How to Help a Depressed Person


The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging
he most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication.


The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

source: National Institute of Health Publication No. NIH-99-3561


Understanding Your Own Feelings Towards a Depressed Person


Taking care of a depressed person is often very stressful and frustrating. Many who are close to a depressed person have tried everything they know in order to get the person to seek help. They have also struggled with trying to make things better for the depressed person, often to the point of their own exhaustion. Sometimes, caretakers become depressed themselves as they find that their efforts have made little difference. Family and friends of depressed people miss the former person they knew. They see the dark cloud of depression not only affecting the person's life, work and family, but they see it eating away at their own relationship as well.

Those who are close to a depressed person often struggle with their own feelings toward the person. Feelings of concern, frustration, and fear combined with futile efforts to make things better can lead to stronger feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, resentment, and guilt. Please know that these feelings are very normal. No one can make another person get help for depression, and no one can take away another person's depression.

People who are depressed may behave in ways that are uncharacteristic for them when they are not depressed. It is not uncommon for a depressed person to be irritable, angry, argumentative, withdrawn, unmotivated, lethargic, and self-defeating. They may say things that are hurtful, harsh, irrational, or unusual. For those who are not depressed, these behaviors are hard to understand and very difficult to bear.

As a relative or friend of a depressed person you should pay attention to your own feelings. If you find that you are feeling overwhelmed, overly frustrated, depressed, anxious, exhausted, or guilty, then it is time to start taking better care of yourself. You cannot help another person if you are struggling yourself.
Taking Care of Yourself

Please keep these things in mind:

Your feelings and reactions are normal. Friends and family of those who are depressed experience a range of emotions, from compassion and empathy to anger, frustration, and even hatred. These feelings can be expected since it is very difficult not to take personally a depressed person's behaviors. A depressed person's life is being negatively affected by depression, but so is yours.

You don't have to be alone. Dealing with depression on your own can be a lonely and isolating task. Your friends may not understand, yet you need the support of others. Depression is a common illness, and there are many others who also have a depressed person in their lives. You may wish to join a support group and connect with others who understand your struggles.

It's not your fault. It is not uncommon for family and friends of depressed people to feel guilty or wonder if they hold some responsibility for another person's depression. Depression does not occur because of anything you say or do. Depression is a medical condition, like diabetes or heart disease, that needs to be treated.

Your feelings will change with time. Family and friends of depressed people go through various emotional phases. Initial reactions include disbelief or denial. It may seem that depression will just magically go away if it goes unacknowledged. After some time, people may experience some anger or resentment that life as they know it has changed. People also may feel grief that the person they once knew seems lost to them. After a depressed person seeks treatment and begins to feel better, family and friends often feel relieved and lucky or blessed that things are improving again.

Don't lose hope. Depression is a very treatable illness! Psychotherapy and/or medication have been shown to be quite effective. Eighty percent or more of those who seek help for treatment can feel better within several weeks.

Take good care of yourself. You will need to set boundaries and limits on how much you can and will do. this is a healthy and necessary thing to do. It is okay to take a vacation from caretaking once in a while. Schedule time for yourself and do things that bring you enjoyment and satisfaction. This is not being "selfish," it is being healthy and compassionate towards yourself. You may also choose to seek counseling in order to have a place to process and manage your own feelings.


All too often I hear of people being diagnosed with various disorders, depression, schizophrenia, etc,.without a thorough medical exam. If these are actual diseases, how can one get to that diagnoses without a thorough med exam?
I have also heard that there is a direct link to depression and B vitamin deficiancy. Heck, I'd rather try a vitamin first. In my humble opinion, one should first have a thorough medical exam. Not long ago my aunt went in to the hospital and she was having violent mood swings. Severe depression one day and mania the next. A resident psychiatrist diagnosed her with Bi Polar Disorder shortly after admission. She was stand-off-ish (if that's an actual word) toward psychotherapy and talked to her doctor who did a thorough make up on her including blood work, tox screen etc,. He found that she had a hyper thyroid. My point is that if she had not done what she did, she might have been put on a medication to mask a symptom.
To me, the best way to help someone who is depressed is to encourage them to get a complete medical exam before seeing a therapist. All too often I hear of people being diagnosed without this happening first and it disturbs me.

Warmly,

Albert

#4 sweethurt

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Posted 01 April 2006 - 04:04 PM

I"m only a friend, i'm not a relative or a doctor..im just a friend who can do no more then talk to him and make suggestions and listen til my ears fall off...i've been depressed myself a few years ago but he wont listen to anything i try to tell him, how do i encourage him toleave his house and try to get back into the world, and that it really does help, even if he doesnt get involved with other people yet?

well...i wnet through about 2 years of depression years ago....i'm doing great now but i'm not on this forum for me....a friend of mine has been dealing with depression for quite some time now, and he comes to me a lot for help and im afriadi cant seem to show him anything...he's just been diagnosed and prescribed.i forgot to what medicine...and he just havs no interest in anything besides talking to me and listening to his music...when he working or trying to get his GED he sits around on his computer or playing video games by himself...im trying to show him that going out, even if just by himself, is better then sitting around the house...im just here to find out how to help him and maybe later recommend this forum for his own self benefit.

#5 Amberline

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Posted 03 May 2006 - 06:32 AM

Hi

I live with my boyfriend who has manic depression it took me 18 months to get him to admit he was and go to a doctor he is now on anti-depressants and just starting therapy for both depression and his Obsessive Compulsive Disorders. It is very hard sometimes but i do love him and want him to get better as i have proved by sticking with it for so long already. I sometimes look at him and feel hatred and i hate myself for that. We do go out for walks in the country but that is mainly due to having dogs but other than that he sits in the house playing computer games and never wants to go anywhere not even down the pub anymore. He is OK with a few friends round but that is it. I have my own hobbies so 2 nights a week i do get away from it and i think that is keeping me going.

Amanda x :hearts: :shocked: :bump:
I am still learning to love myself while trying to help others do the same.

#6 Timmy65

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Posted 03 May 2006 - 08:54 AM

Thank you so much for this information. My wife is trying to help me with all my issues and she is having a terrible time trying to do so. We love each other so much and she says it is difficult to see me suffer. She says she wants me back to my old self. I printed this off and showed it to her and it seems to be helping, she is following some of these guidelines. It was difficult for me to try to explain how she could help and this was defintely and BIG help. Again, thanks! :hearts:

By the way if anybody wasn't aware, check out the NIMH website, it has a lot of valuable info on it and you can also order printed material from them.
"If there is no hope for the future, there is no power in the present"

#7 FairyDreamer

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Posted 06 May 2006 - 03:54 PM

Thank you for posting this! One of the biggest problems I had in my most recent bought of depression, was the fact that my family/friends weren't sure what to do or how to help me. I'll print this out for them!

:hearts:

#8 Garu

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Posted 25 May 2006 - 04:32 PM

THank you for this info.
It helps me to understand what a close one is feeling and going through.
It helps me understand not to take the hurtful outbursts personally.
It also teches me thats it takes time.
Something deffinaltey to print out and carry with me.

#9 divagirl

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Posted 09 June 2006 - 11:44 PM

What about the 20% that don't respond to medication? They just have to live their lives out being sad? I don't know, there may be something we didn't try, but last time I went to a psych he said I must be one of those people because we had tried all conventional avenues and now would have to begin to "think outside the box." We didn't get to that because shortly afterwards I was badly injured and had to take pain medicine for several months. So we agreed to postpone treatment ideas until other things improved. I am fairly well recovered and don't take anything for pain anymore but haven't followed up with that doctor again, either.

I'm so bummed about this. You know what I got for finally asking for help after twenty five plus years of low level depression? A black mark on my medical records that never goes away ("history of depression") and causes life insurance companies to quote me five times the normal rate. Unbelievable. As if I am now a suicide risk. Fortunately I am not now and never have been suicidal. But geez, it seems like asking for help was a mistake...

What should I do? Should I go back to the guy and see what else he suggests... find out what "outside of the box" means?

#10 polisher

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Posted 21 June 2006 - 02:42 AM

I dont rely on medications to make me feel less depressed. All I need is an optimist person, who will encourage me to live and see everything positively..I need someone to listen and humour me. Pills are like sedative: you wake up a dn BINGO= life is stil the same!


For all the depressed people out there: YOU HAVE GOT ONLY CHANCE OF LIVING THIS LIFE IN YOUR OWN SPECIAL WAY: do not shed tears because of others, grab the chance, and mould it in your own nice manner...

Edited by KeepingAwake, 21 June 2006 - 05:17 AM.


#11 mynah

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Posted 21 June 2006 - 09:28 AM

thank you Lindsay.

this is an excellent read and helps understand i think.


something i want to add, that i think could also - in certain situations - help a depressed person, or someone suffering with too much anxiety:
there can be - on top of the depression - "real problems" too, with the situations the depressed person has to cope with. they might not look like a big problem to a not-depressed person, but can be overwhelming for someone struggling with depression. and those "situational problems" can grow bigger if not dealt with, worsening the situation, and worsening the depression too. it can be a big relief to have help solving these problems. sometimes it can be as "small" as being too depressed or anxious to get outside and buy groceries, or get to the doc appointment, or too depressed even to get a letter posted. sometimes it can help when someone else will do these things or help to do it.
i don't mean to do everything for a depressed person and completely take responsibility for their life, this would NOT be good. but on some occasions it can be helpful some little practical help, like for instance offer to go get the mail from the mailbox and then sit there, be with them, while they open the letters and deal with the bills that are in the mail. it makes life more difficult when such 'everyday things' get out of hand.
don't know if this makes sense to you.
Ce qui embellit le désert, dit le petit prince, c'est qu'il cache un puits quelque part...

* "What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well." *

#12 CloudyDays

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Posted 24 June 2006 - 12:33 PM

Hi everyone,
I'm glad I found you all, because things are getting really bad and I don't know who to turn to for help.
Please bear with me because I really need to vent.
My boyfriend's depression is really wearing me thin. Emotionally, psychologically, physically. I read the books, I try to understand his situation (I've managed to get a semi-stable grip on my own for the past year now), I try to provide whatever possible to make life more bearable for him.
I listen to him when he wants to talk, when he pushes me away I give him space, when he hurts my feelings with mean-ness I keep telling myself that it's the depression talking/he's in pain and lashing out, the sudden mood changes I see EVERYDAY, holding my tongue as I figure out a non-aggravating response to questions he asks so as to not trigger anything that might start a fight, or him sulking in silence, or more often than not, direct it all to me as a target, the source of everything that's messed up in his world.
I literally carry a little notepad with "Rules" because I just want him to have a good day, at least when we're together. I mean, I know he loves me but it frustrates me that many times I don't think I make him happy. Not even a little bit. The world IS messed up, there are so many things that are wrong, and there are many things that can't be changed. But we all deal with it, and there are things that you can find in your life that will give you some reprieve, some relief, a blessed break, from the crap the world deals you.
He gives me that. Even in his worst days, when he hurts my feelings, attacks my principles and the things I like, when he brushes me off like I'm nothing - I tell myself that it's not who HE is, that the monster that has consumed him so much has won again that day.
I walk on eggshells and when he has his "good" moments things are awesome. He's a wonderful, sweet, caring, funny, loving guy - something many people haven't had the luck to see (most just get the s***ty side). The past six months though, I haven't seen much of the "nice" side myself.
I've stopped bringing my own problems home because I can't burden him with any more than he's already got to deal with. I know my own issues aren't as severe as his, I know I can't give him something else to worry about - and I don't want to get hurt if I came to him on my worst of days and get kicked aside. Sometimes I wish he'd think about me as well, even if for a little bit. I know it's selfish but there are days when my own feelings of depression will hit, HARD, and it's taken all my strength to plaster on a smile and shut up. He believes that his problems are worse than everyone else, that he's doomed to failure and unhappiness, and scariest of all - he's better off dead because there's nothing worth living for.
I wish he could see what I could see. His self-image is so distorted and his stranglehold on bad things in the past, has clouded his eyes on what he has now, what he is capable of, the things in his life that he could actually be happy about. But he's been so depressed for so long that he uses it to justify giving up or not even trying to make a change. A negative comfort spot, so to speak.
It's funny how loving someone can be so painful as well. It hurts to see him this way when all you want is to give him a little sunshine in his darkest moments. And it hurts more when he's being an a**hole and a jerk even when he doesn't really mean it.
Sorry this is so long but I really couldn't keep it in. Help me help him - please.

#13 Lees

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Posted 06 July 2006 - 05:48 AM

oops

Edited by Lees, 06 July 2006 - 05:58 AM.


#14 Lees

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Posted 06 July 2006 - 05:57 AM

hi Coudydays
I am new to this forum and i cant believe it...its almost like i have typed your post! I am going through exactly the same as you are....I just dont know whats going to happen from one minute to the next..its like living on a time bomb...one minute he is loving and tha guy i fell in love with and the next he is so cruel and mean i refuse to believe it is him!
I am trying so so hard not to react to the comments he makes even though somtimes i am boiling inside!
i have to sit and speak to myself inside my head saying "its not him its not him"!
My boyfriends depression is undiagnosed but after reading meny many posts on the net i am certain thats what it is......
He changes like the wind and it can often be within seconds of having a ´normal civilised conversation...he turns into a very confrontational criticising stranger.
He is always fine in a morning if i stay in bed and leave him to get up alone he always brings me a tea kisses me tells me to have a good day...then once he gets home at around 7 the evening is literally in the lap of the gods....but he is never consistently nasty or nice for one whole evening.....i feel like i need help to help him too

#15 Teddy Bear

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Posted 17 July 2006 - 04:52 PM

Hi CloudyDays and Lees.....my reasons for joining are very similar too!

I have a very good friend who is struggling with depression - and I am struggling to balance what's good for him against what's good for me.

The way he treats me sometimes hurts terribly, as if I mean nothing to him. Yet when I withdraw he immediately senses something is wrong and pulls me back.

It's such an emotional rollercoaster. :hearts:

#16 intothestorm

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Posted 04 August 2006 - 12:08 PM

I wish that printing this and putting it somewhere in my parents' home would help but I think they are afraid of understanding.
I've put down info for them before and it was tossed in the blue box for recycling... :(
My mind is a beautiful garden; I'm just not good at pulling weeds!
~intothestorm~

#17 MissLew

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Posted 13 August 2006 - 01:50 PM

Hi

I am the depressed one in the relationship and I can see hat my boyf isnt holding up well at the minute - im not nasty or horrid to him i just cry alot and he is desperate for me to get well - i feel frustrated becasue I cant give him that. We do love our partners and because you are the closest to us you are the ones that we trust the most to bounce off. I beg my boyf regulary to tell me what he is feeling so we can work through it together - it also gives me a sense of relief from my own head.

fingers crossed for us all

xx
Dont just accept what you are given - fight for what you want.

#18 Lifetime

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Posted 14 August 2006 - 07:09 AM

Dear Lindsay,

Thank you for your proactive efforts. Hopefully others will join in and have their say and we’ll take back our rights to make our own medical decisions as mental health patients and/or support persons as we’ve been disenfranchised far too long.



Warmly,
Herb



.

Edited by Jkm, 16 August 2006 - 10:43 AM.

Warmly,
Herb


"What we have done for
ourselves alone dies with us;
what we have done for
others and the world remains
and is immortal" - Albert Pike

#19 joelle

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Posted 14 August 2006 - 07:59 AM

Hi everyone,
I'm glad I found you all, because things are getting really bad and I don't know who to turn to for help.
Please bear with me because I really need to vent.
My boyfriend's depression is really wearing me thin. Emotionally, psychologically, physically. I read the books, I try to understand his situation (I've managed to get a semi-stable grip on my own for the past year now), I try to provide whatever possible to make life more bearable for him.
I listen to him when he wants to talk, when he pushes me away I give him space, when he hurts my feelings with mean-ness I keep telling myself that it's the depression talking/he's in pain and lashing out, the sudden mood changes I see EVERYDAY, holding my tongue as I figure out a non-aggravating response to questions he asks so as to not trigger anything that might start a fight, or him sulking in silence, or more often than not, direct it all to me as a target, the source of everything that's messed up in his world.
I literally carry a little notepad with "Rules" because I just want him to have a good day, at least when we're together. I mean, I know he loves me but it frustrates me that many times I don't think I make him happy. Not even a little bit. The world IS messed up, there are so many things that are wrong, and there are many things that can't be changed. But we all deal with it, and there are things that you can find in your life that will give you some reprieve, some relief, a blessed break, from the crap the world deals you.
He gives me that. Even in his worst days, when he hurts my feelings, attacks my principles and the things I like, when he brushes me off like I'm nothing - I tell myself that it's not who HE is, that the monster that has consumed him so much has won again that day.
I walk on eggshells and when he has his "good" moments things are awesome. He's a wonderful, sweet, caring, funny, loving guy - something many people haven't had the luck to see (most just get the s***ty side). The past six months though, I haven't seen much of the "nice" side myself.
I've stopped bringing my own problems home because I can't burden him with any more than he's already got to deal with. I know my own issues aren't as severe as his, I know I can't give him something else to worry about - and I don't want to get hurt if I came to him on my worst of days and get kicked aside. Sometimes I wish he'd think about me as well, even if for a little bit. I know it's selfish but there are days when my own feelings of depression will hit, HARD, and it's taken all my strength to plaster on a smile and shut up. He believes that his problems are worse than everyone else, that he's doomed to failure and unhappiness, and scariest of all - he's better off dead because there's nothing worth living for.
I wish he could see what I could see. His self-image is so distorted and his stranglehold on bad things in the past, has clouded his eyes on what he has now, what he is capable of, the things in his life that he could actually be happy about. But he's been so depressed for so long that he uses it to justify giving up or not even trying to make a change. A negative comfort spot, so to speak.
It's funny how loving someone can be so painful as well. It hurts to see him this way when all you want is to give him a little sunshine in his darkest moments. And it hurts more when he's being an a**hole and a jerk even when he doesn't really mean it.
Sorry this is so long but I really couldn't keep it in. Help me help him - please.


Whoa! that totally sums it up on how it is with my boyfriend and i. Sometimes it is so hard to keep positive when your loved one is so negative and down.

#20 Amberline

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Posted 16 August 2006 - 09:54 AM

Hi All

I feel like I have wrote all the posts in this topic especially CloudyDays, Lees and Joelle's.

I too have a depressed boyfriend whom I live with and have done for 6 years but the last 2 have been hell. I am fed up with walking on egg shells and thinking about what i say in case it upsets him. I love him but not sure how we are going to get though this anymore.

He made me depressed and I have had counselling myself but I am now free of tablets and just having therapy.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?!? :bump: :hearts:

Edited by Amberline, 16 August 2006 - 09:55 AM.

I am still learning to love myself while trying to help others do the same.

#21 Jkm

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Posted 16 August 2006 - 10:39 AM

Maybe you could go with him to the appt. and tell his doc that he's so irritable and see if the doc can adjust his meds, he won't tell the doc himself.

Most of us know when we're irritable, but have a difficult time admitting it. It's like the crummy inside feeling comes spewing out, and we feel so bad, we don't care. Have you tried talking to him about it? Does he get more upset?

Jackie :hearts:
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I have GAD. I worry about everything, lol!

#22 Amberline

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Posted 16 August 2006 - 10:43 AM

He stopped taking his medication as all the books he read said it did nothing. But he has gone down hill since and i feel like a nagging fish wife and can't make him take it.

We talk all the time that is why we always fall out - but i think you need to talk.

He won't let me go with him to see his doctor or his psychiatrist and have thought about writing a letter to his doctor to tell him everything. So at least he is aware and will hopefully help him. I know his doctor can't reply to me though which would be hard.

I just want the man back that I met 6 years ago. :hearts: :shocked: :bump:
I am still learning to love myself while trying to help others do the same.

#23 Jkm

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Posted 16 August 2006 - 10:49 AM

I am so sorry that you are having to endure this with him. I guess you need to establish where you draw the line in the relationship, which is very difficult, I know.

When people we love have problems and refuse to get treatment, you have to decide how much you can take. (I notice you're coming and asking for support, not him.)

Jackie :hearts:

Edited by Jkm, 16 August 2006 - 10:50 AM.

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I have GAD. I worry about everything, lol!

#24 ctiff43

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Posted 26 August 2006 - 11:42 PM

For Relatives and Friends

How to Help a Depressed Person


The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging
he most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication.


The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.


Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

source: National Institute of Health Publication No. NIH-99-3561


Understanding Your Own Feelings Towards a Depressed Person


Taking care of a depressed person is often very stressful and frustrating. Many who are close to a depressed person have tried everything they know in order to get the person to seek help. They have also struggled with trying to make things better for the depressed person, often to the point of their own exhaustion. Sometimes, caretakers become depressed themselves as they find that their efforts have made little difference. Family and friends of depressed people miss the former person they knew. They see the dark cloud of depression not only affecting the person's life, work and family, but they see it eating away at their own relationship as well.

Those who are close to a depressed person often struggle with their own feelings toward the person. Feelings of concern, frustration, and fear combined with futile efforts to make things better can lead to stronger feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, resentment, and guilt. Please know that these feelings are very normal. No one can make another person get help for depression, and no one can take away another person's depression.

People who are depressed may behave in ways that are uncharacteristic for them when they are not depressed. It is not uncommon for a depressed person to be irritable, angry, argumentative, withdrawn, unmotivated, lethargic, and self-defeating. They may say things that are hurtful, harsh, irrational, or unusual. For those who are not depressed, these behaviors are hard to understand and very difficult to bear.

As a relative or friend of a depressed person you should pay attention to your own feelings. If you find that you are feeling overwhelmed, overly frustrated, depressed, anxious, exhausted, or guilty, then it is time to start taking better care of yourself. You cannot help another person if you are struggling yourself.



Taking Care of Yourself

Please keep these things in mind:

Your feelings and reactions are normal. Friends and family of those who are depressed experience a range of emotions, from compassion and empathy to anger, frustration, and even hatred. These feelings can be expected since it is very difficult not to take personally a depressed person's behaviors. A depressed person's life is being negatively affected by depression, but so is yours.

You don't have to be alone. Dealing with depression on your own can be a lonely and isolating task. Your friends may not understand, yet you need the support of others. Depression is a common illness, and there are many others who also have a depressed person in their lives. You may wish to join a support group and connect with others who understand your struggles.

It's not your fault. It is not uncommon for family and friends of depressed people to feel guilty or wonder if they hold some responsibility for another person's depression. Depression does not occur because of anything you say or do. Depression is a medical condition, like diabetes or heart disease, that needs to be treated.

Your feelings will change with time. Family and friends of depressed people go through various emotional phases. Initial reactions include disbelief or denial. It may seem that depression will just magically go away if it goes unacknowledged. After some time, people may experience some anger or resentment that life as they know it has changed. People also may feel grief that the person they once knew seems lost to them. After a depressed person seeks treatment and begins to feel better, family and friends often feel relieved and lucky or blessed that things are improving again.

Don't lose hope. Depression is a very treatable illness! Psychotherapy and/or medication have been shown to be quite effective. Eighty percent or more of those who seek help for treatment can feel better within several weeks.

Take good care of yourself. You will need to set boundaries and limits on how much you can and will do. this is a healthy and necessary thing to do. It is okay to take a vacation from caretaking once in a while. Schedule time for yourself and do things that bring you enjoyment and satisfaction. This is not being "selfish," it is being healthy and compassionate towards yourself. You may also choose to seek counseling in order to have a place to process and manage your own feelings.


thanks for this info. any parents out there who have children with depression...I would love to chat with you!

#25 ctiff43

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Posted 26 August 2006 - 11:45 PM

thanks for this...good info.

#26 Lindsay

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Posted 09 September 2006 - 12:11 AM

:hearts:

Be Well....

~Lindsay ღ , Forum Super Administrator
Founder, depressionforums.org


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DF member since June 2001 goldenvelope1jr.gif  

----
"I cannot make my mark for all time...those concepts are mutually exclusive.
"Lasting effect" is a self -contradictory term.  Meaning does not exist in the future, nor do I.  
Nothing will have meaning, "ultimately."
Nothing will even mean tomorrow what it did today.  Meaning changes with the context.  
My meaningfulness is in the here and now. It is enough that I may be of value to someone today.
It is enough that I make a difference now."  ~Lindsay    
    

  
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#27 joekm

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Posted 28 September 2006 - 07:57 AM

Glad I found this particular forum. My wife has been chronically depressed pretty much for as long as I've known her (about 13 years now). At first, and based upon what she was telling me at the time, I thought it was situational. She didn't like her job, she wanted a family, etc. Perhaps, I should have known better but I wasn't exactly experienced with clinical depression.

Today, we have two children and have just hit our 8th anniversary. She's gone through several different combinations of meds and it's long since become clear to me that she will never "get better". She has periods where she will try, but eventually the stress of trying makes her worse.

As for me, anything that I used to do for myself, I no longer have time for as her needs and the kids needs are the overwhelming factor. I might try doing something for myself and she'll even encourage me to do so. Ultimately though, "special circumstances" will come up, she won't be feeling good on a particular day, she'll start drifting into a deep funk and I'll feel guilty for leaving (and, on some occasions, worried about the kids - although she is typically a very good mother), or it'll be an argument if I want to go. Ultimately, it becomes more stressful to pursue anything for myself than to just stay home. So, I am left to waiting for everyone to go to bed if I am to have any time for myself.

Because her needs are so great and so persistent, over time, I have come to feel more like she is someone I must "take care of". I was hoping of a "partner". That probably sounds selfish - I know her condition is "for real" - but it's how I feel nonetheless. When I get ready to drive home from work at the end of the day, there's always just a slight twinge of dread as I'm not sure what I'm going to be coming home to. Lately, she's been doing better, but I wonder how long it will be before she crashes again.

At present, I work for a larger corporation than I am used to. As such, there are a lot of political nuances that I am unaccustomed to so, I have just joined a local chapter of Toastmaster's in the hopes of improving my business communication skills. This is every other Thursday (my first meeting is tonight) and I'd be leaving right about the time the kids go in for their baths. So, I'll have time to spend with the kids when I get home from work, which will give my wife some down time. I'm hoping that, between that and the fact that it's only every other week, I won't be taking too much....we'll have to see.


I'm actually on these forums because I was hoping to find a support group for significant others of chronically depressed people. If there's something more I can do, I'm willing to listen.

#28 Stjarna

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Posted 02 October 2006 - 01:31 PM

What do you do when a depressed person close to you refuses any activities, refuses to leave the house, won't talk to any friends and functions only inside the house? Thank you

#29 Chiefos

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Posted 09 October 2006 - 05:32 PM

Ok, so tonight was pretty standard for me. Im 25 yrs old and ive moved back home for a while. My parents are long divorced an while my mum is living a happy normal life my dad is less so.

Anyway, today I rang home today to see if I should pick anything up for dinnner on the way home and I knew instantly that he had been drinking heavily. I came home and watched him stagger about and my immediate reaction is that I'm furious. I think to myself why is it with all the s*** going on in my life that I have to come back from work to this pathetic Barsteward. Why do I constantly have to feel that I have a child of my own to look after?

After eating dinner in complete silence I get one of those looks that I am growing so used to that says "all my problems are your fault". This makes me more angry and before I have time to run off to my room, my dad declares that hes going to bed. Here im thinking, thank god I dont have to spend all night either listen to him not tell me his problems but hint so much and so cryptically that there is one or spend all night in silence.

He goes to bed and my anger turns to worry. What if hes been doing more than just drinking, what if he's staggering because hes taken some pills or something. I go up to bed and see him fully clothed snoring his head off on top of the covers. I spend the rest of the night listening to his every snore moan and cough wondering if ill have to calll an ambulance.

Now dont get me wrong he has never attempted suiced, although he does drop these hints about making sure he never ends up like my grandad ( a stroke made him completely paralized).

But tonight something else hit me. I am not ashamed that my dad can sometimes be a drunken mess. I am scared to death that he can. And im not angry at him, but I am angry because my dad is so miserable and I am powerless to do anything about it.

Im also pi**ed off with myself because I find it so hard to say two simlpe words - "Whats wrong". I know that I cant sort his problems out for him, but I think I realized tonight that I dont even want to listen to him talk about them. Whenever I see him like this I know that theres no sense gonna come out of him but theres many times when he isnt completely recked.

Infact, I can almost guarentee that tomorrow he'll come back from work whistleing and cheerfull and neirther of us will say a word about it. The whole thing will repeat itself all over again some days or weeks later.

Now another thing you should know about my dad is that he is an arugent self riteous Barsteward at times. He is always full of advise about how to live and he deals out this advice in such a way as though it were fact and not opinion and thus we should listen and learn. But my dads life consists of working 24/7, TV and drink.

He works away alot of the times and lives this sleezy second life of shacking up with some real messes of women. He completely believes that he is content in this life and doesnt want a real partner or more spare time, until he cracks again.

The happiest Ive seen my dad was about 5 months after my mum first left, all us children of his were away at university and my dad started to ajust to life on his own. Since then my sister has lived with him and now me. And although I know that the life he'll choose to live with out any of us around to tut-tut will be without much class I dont give a s*** if he's happy. I think with us around hes kind of like a teenager whos affraid to do what he wants.

Next week I am moving out, simply because I am young and my life is pretty hollow right now. I myself have been in about slump for ages although I would never say that I suffered depression. But I feel like I am trying to make positive steps to change my life to make me happier, while my dad is repeating the same steps and expecting different answers. I hope to crist that when I leave he regains that happiness of freedom he had before, I think that right now we are bringing each other down.

But if he doesnt, then I may have to face my emotions and actually grow up and talk to him seriously, which I just dont know how to do.

Sorry for this long vent, I needed to say it.

Edited by Chiefos, 09 October 2006 - 05:45 PM.


#30 KeepingAwake

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Posted 09 October 2006 - 05:59 PM

:hearts: Chiefos!

I think that you will find that many of us here have dealt with an alcoholic in the family. It's not an easy path.

You are right that your father is deluded to think that the same behavior will produce a new outcome. I'm glad that you are getting out on your own and are looking for answers.

You will find a lot of support here as you make your way.

KA
Beliefs Aren't Etched in Stone... Unless Your Brain is Made of Rock

#31 violetspike

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Posted 11 October 2006 - 06:08 PM

For Relatives and Friends

How to Help a Depressed Person


The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging
he most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication.


The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

source: National Institute of Health Publication No. NIH-99-3561


Understanding Your Own Feelings Towards a Depressed Person


Taking care of a depressed person is often very stressful and frustrating. Many who are close to a depressed person have tried everything they know in order to get the person to seek help. They have also struggled with trying to make things better for the depressed person, often to the point of their own exhaustion. Sometimes, caretakers become depressed themselves as they find that their efforts have made little difference. Family and friends of depressed people miss the former person they knew. They see the dark cloud of depression not only affecting the person's life, work and family, but they see it eating away at their own relationship as well.

Those who are close to a depressed person often struggle with their own feelings toward the person. Feelings of concern, frustration, and fear combined with futile efforts to make things better can lead to stronger feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, resentment, and guilt. Please know that these feelings are very normal. No one can make another person get help for depression, and no one can take away another person's depression.

People who are depressed may behave in ways that are uncharacteristic for them when they are not depressed. It is not uncommon for a depressed person to be irritable, angry, argumentative, withdrawn, unmotivated, lethargic, and self-defeating. They may say things that are hurtful, harsh, irrational, or unusual. For those who are not depressed, these behaviors are hard to understand and very difficult to bear.

As a relative or friend of a depressed person you should pay attention to your own feelings. If you find that you are feeling overwhelmed, overly frustrated, depressed, anxious, exhausted, or guilty, then it is time to start taking better care of yourself. You cannot help another person if you are struggling yourself.



Taking Care of Yourself

Please keep these things in mind:

Your feelings and reactions are normal. Friends and family of those who are depressed experience a range of emotions, from compassion and empathy to anger, frustration, and even hatred. These feelings can be expected since it is very difficult not to take personally a depressed person's behaviors. A depressed person's life is being negatively affected by depression, but so is yours.

You don't have to be alone. Dealing with depression on your own can be a lonely and isolating task. Your friends may not understand, yet you need the support of others. Depression is a common illness, and there are many others who also have a depressed person in their lives. You may wish to join a support group and connect with others who understand your struggles.

It's not your fault. It is not uncommon for family and friends of depressed people to feel guilty or wonder if they hold some responsibility for another person's depression. Depression does not occur because of anything you say or do. Depression is a medical condition, like diabetes or heart disease, that needs to be treated.

Your feelings will change with time. Family and friends of depressed people go through various emotional phases. Initial reactions include disbelief or denial. It may seem that depression will just magically go away if it goes unacknowledged. After some time, people may experience some anger or resentment that life as they know it has changed. People also may feel grief that the person they once knew seems lost to them. After a depressed person seeks treatment and begins to feel better, family and friends often feel relieved and lucky or blessed that things are improving again.

Don't lose hope. Depression is a very treatable illness! Psychotherapy and/or medication have been shown to be quite effective. Eighty percent or more of those who seek help for treatment can feel better within several weeks.

Take good care of yourself. You will need to set boundaries and limits on how much you can and will do. this is a healthy and necessary thing to do. It is okay to take a vacation from caretaking once in a while. Schedule time for yourself and do things that bring you enjoyment and satisfaction. This is not being "selfish," it is being healthy and compassionate towards yourself. You may also choose to seek counseling in order to have a place to process and manage your own feelings.


Thanks for the info. I gave it to my husband to read and he read it. I could tell that he used some of the suggestions when I was so depressed. It made me feel like he took time to try and felt that he cared. - violetspike
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#32 cd103

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Posted 05 November 2006 - 03:32 PM

CloudyDays

Thank you so much for writing your story. I joined this site today needing help with my friend's depression and was directed here to this strand. It's helped me a lot to read your message even though I've cried and cried since reading it. Our situations are so similar and now I don't feel so lonely.

I hope this site is helping you too

Poppy

Edited by cd103, 05 November 2006 - 03:34 PM.


#33 Shelby

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Posted 10 January 2007 - 12:36 PM

Thank you so much for posting this article. It really pertained to what I'm going through right now with my husbands depression. Sometimes I feel so lonely, frustruted and overwhelmed and then I feel guilty about feeling this way. After reading this I feel a little less alone.

Shelby

#34 roaring40s

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Posted 22 February 2007 - 08:51 AM

For Relatives and Friends

How to Help a Depressed Person


The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging
he most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication.


The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

source: National Institute of Health Publication No. NIH-99-3561


Understanding Your Own Feelings Towards a Depressed Person


Taking care of a depressed person is often very stressful and frustrating. Many who are close to a depressed person have tried everything they know in order to get the person to seek help. They have also struggled with trying to make things better for the depressed person, often to the point of their own exhaustion. Sometimes, caretakers become depressed themselves as they find that their efforts have made little difference. Family and friends of depressed people miss the former person they knew. They see the dark cloud of depression not only affecting the person's life, work and family, but they see it eating away at their own relationship as well.

Those who are close to a depressed person often struggle with their own feelings toward the person. Feelings of concern, frustration, and fear combined with futile efforts to make things better can lead to stronger feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, resentment, and guilt. Please know that these feelings are very normal. No one can make another person get help for depression, and no one can take away another person's depression.

People who are depressed may behave in ways that are uncharacteristic for them when they are not depressed. It is not uncommon for a depressed person to be irritable, angry, argumentative, withdrawn, unmotivated, lethargic, and self-defeating. They may say things that are hurtful, harsh, irrational, or unusual. For those who are not depressed, these behaviors are hard to understand and very difficult to bear.

As a relative or friend of a depressed person you should pay attention to your own feelings. If you find that you are feeling overwhelmed, overly frustrated, depressed, anxious, exhausted, or guilty, then it is time to start taking better care of yourself. You cannot help another person if you are struggling yourself.



Taking Care of Yourself

Please keep these things in mind:

Your feelings and reactions are normal. Friends and family of those who are depressed experience a range of emotions, from compassion and empathy to anger, frustration, and even hatred. These feelings can be expected since it is very difficult not to take personally a depressed person's behaviors. A depressed person's life is being negatively affected by depression, but so is yours.

You don't have to be alone. Dealing with depression on your own can be a lonely and isolating task. Your friends may not understand, yet you need the support of others. Depression is a common illness, and there are many others who also have a depressed person in their lives. You may wish to join a support group and connect with others who understand your struggles.

It's not your fault. It is not uncommon for family and friends of depressed people to feel guilty or wonder if they hold some responsibility for another person's depression. Depression does not occur because of anything you say or do. Depression is a medical condition, like diabetes or heart disease, that needs to be treated.

Your feelings will change with time. Family and friends of depressed people go through various emotional phases. Initial reactions include disbelief or denial. It may seem that depression will just magically go away if it goes unacknowledged. After some time, people may experience some anger or resentment that life as they know it has changed. People also may feel grief that the person they once knew seems lost to them. After a depressed person seeks treatment and begins to feel better, family and friends often feel relieved and lucky or blessed that things are improving again.

Don't lose hope. Depression is a very treatable illness! Psychotherapy and/or medication have been shown to be quite effective. Eighty percent or more of those who seek help for treatment can feel better within several weeks.

Take good care of yourself. You will need to set boundaries and limits on how much you can and will do. this is a healthy and necessary thing to do. It is okay to take a vacation from caretaking once in a while. Schedule time for yourself and do things that bring you enjoyment and satisfaction. This is not being "selfish," it is being healthy and compassionate towards yourself. You may also choose to seek counseling in order to have a place to process and manage your own feelings.



#35 worriedmom

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Posted 05 May 2007 - 11:17 AM

CloudyDays

Thank you so much for writing your story. I registered for this site today in need of help with my son's depression. Im hoping to get a better understanding and talk to people who have been though something simular. Reading this made me feel a little bit better

#36 Xindaiel

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Posted 17 July 2007 - 01:42 PM

I'm not quite sure how to start an introductory email except to say that I was browsing the forum. At first I was going to skim through everything being new to this site myself but something struck me about these post regarding boyfriends and the notebook of "Rules" CloudyDays mentioned carrying around. In more then one way I can completely understand what everyone is going through

I am also the girlfriend of a depressed person. Diagnosed manic depressive with bi-polar. Talk about starting in a relationship (on the verge of 1 year) with my head not above water. My heart really goes out to everyone and all I want to say is Stand Strong. That is a phrase that is used to often and without enough meaning. Guess what I'm trying to say is there is at least one other person out here who can truely (without any guessing) understand why we (as MD's girlfriends) do some of the things that we do.

Too many times have I also kept my personal problems from my boyfriend (shall we call him L for now), just for the sake of not adding to his problems. It is heartbreaking to sit on the edge of the bed and watch him sleeping knowing inside his mind is a wonderful person being hidden. Every day that passes I am strained to plaster one more smile to my face, say one more thing that is optimistic, give one more piece of encouragement, and pretend that everything in the world is nothing more then peaches and cream. Soon enough the stress becomes too much. I have found myself hesitating from just screaming "You know what?! Your not the only one that gets depressed!! So what? Your sad? BIG DEAL GET OVER IT!!" There are nights I lay there with my arm around L (no return gesture on his part) and wonder if it's all worth it.

Many nights he comes in from work, says nothing to me, spends 7+ hours playing computer games. I feel my heart literally breaking (small chest pains not just metaphorically breaking) as L wants directly past me without even a small gesture of acknowledgement. I've held back tears, screams, assault (just wanting to throw stuff out of fustration), and an assorment of other "fustrations". I am not abusive and would NEVER see to harm L but sometimes the fustration wears a little too heavy while the patience wears a little too thin.

Many information site I've looked at simple says to be there, be supportive, seek help. Rarely can you find a site that gives support to not those going through it (which I'm sure is here also) but those who love the ones who are going through it.

I simply sign off by saying nothing more then: Stand Strong.
One day my death shall taste Silver.

#37 Feetz

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 02:13 AM

Like many others I stumbled on this website looking for answers to help a loved one. It is amazing how so many of the above posts feel like my own words and thoughts.

My girlfriend refuses to speak to a therapist or counselor of any sort. I've tried encouraging her many times but to the same frustrating result. She doesn't trust them due to childhood experiences when her parents were getting divorced. She has Thyroid problems but her dosage is up to date and not making any difference in her behavior.

If I push to hard she will leave me and take our 2 year old son with her. How do I encourage her to seek help without pushing her away.

#38 Guest_SarahN_*

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 05:54 AM

Hi Feetz,

I am sorry to hear your girlfriend is suffering from depression. In my opinion the best way to go about this is to have an open conversation, don't blame her for not seeking help but make her feel loved and tell her you are concerned for her well being and that you are afraid she might leave you when you ask her to seek help. Explain to her that you love her and care about her and hope she finds treatment. Assure her that you will not leave her.

Good luck to you and your family,

SN :hearts:

#39 complexity_defined

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 06:20 AM

This probably isn't the right place to make this topic personal, but the part about not pressuring the depressed person to do too much so soon really stuck out for me, lately I am being forced to go to school again, to go to a doctor regularly, to go with my mom to the doctor, to go grocery shopping, pay bills, and the part about going to school everyday really scares me, how can I go from not going anywhere, except 3-4 times every month, to everyday, and on a bus?

Knowing I probably wont be able to do it, gets to me. I wish I can point this out, but my mother's housing depends a lot on what I do about myself.

As for the topic at hand, I have a few depressed friends, I never know how to respond to them and fail at helping, even though I am depressed. (seems odd, doesn't it?) Perhaps now I can help more. :hearts:

#40 alligator

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Posted 11 October 2007 - 04:02 AM

Thank you for posting this.




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