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rinahen

Fear Is Ruining My Life!

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Posted

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Hi everyone... I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for over 20 years ... have just been going through the motions with the help of medication, therapy and self talk but still deal with problems.... its hard for me to feel real job... even though I have a very nice life, with a great husband and three beautiful daughters... I'm tired of how fear is continuing to control my life ... I'm a very creative person who loves people but am held back by my fears and anxiety... just this week, I was honored to be offered a leadership position in an women's group I have belonged to for years.... they called and became frozen with fear... it's a very big job (2 year commitment) and I know that I would have done a good job but I turned it down because of fear and lack of confidence... My husband and older daughters were telling me to go for it ... would push me out of my comfort zone, get me out with people more (I don't work) and be good for me... all the things I knew were true... but I was scrambling for reasons not to accept. My youngest daughter is 9 and in third grade (my older daughters are both in college)....by the way. My reasonings were I needed to be available to the little one still and we are thinking of remodeling our kitchen. In my heart, I was just fearful and scared of the challenge.... It would've required a huge amount of time and energy. I certainly could've done it but was paralyzed by fear and doubt. My excuse that my daughter still needed me was the one I used when I called to turn it down.... My friends understood and said I made the right decision.... but now I'm spending my time dealing with regret and disappointment in myself... my older daughters are seeing me as not strong (my perception) and I feel I've not been a good example for them... I have a a very hard time with decison-making and taking chances... my life is going no where because of this and I'm sick and tired of not living my life.... I know I need to get out and get a job and start living again.... right now I'm beating up myself for making the wrong decision.... its too late now.....what can I do to feel better? Help please!!!

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Posted

Rinahen-

Boy can I relate! I think I spend most of my time with my therapist discussing this topic. I always have set of "excuses" ready for almost any situation that I can offer up.

I have created a technique that I have been using and it appears to help. Here is what I do: I analyze the trigger that has set off my fear and decide if it is unfounded, baseless or unreasonable (almost always is) and if it is I do a bunch of affirmations reinforcing that my reaction is wrong. Then every time I start thinking (obsessing) about the fear I block it out. Just start thinking about something else. If it comes back, I keep switching "channels" and usually something else diverts my attention elsewhere.

Works for me.

Good luck. Lots and lots of folks out there do the same thing you do. Including me.

src

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Posted (edited)

right now I'm beating up myself for making the wrong decision.... its too late now.....what can I do to feel better? Help please!!!

This sentence really stuck out to me when I read your post. One of the most important things I have learnt since being diagnosed with depression/anxiety/schizophrenia is that in this life most decisions are not 'black and white' (ie not wrong or right) but rather 'grey'. Can you turn this around, by telling yourself that your decision WAS NOT "wrong" (as telling yourself it is wrong is 'black and white' thinking) but was in fact a mistake? Beating yourself up bears no fruit. It only makes you feel worse and less motivated, it keeps you stuck in fear.

Edited by Neatoboy

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Posted

right now I'm beating up myself for making the wrong decision.... its too late now.....what can I do to feel better? Help please!!!

This sentence really stuck out to me when I read your post. One of the most important things I have learnt since being diagnosed with depression/anxiety/schizophrenia is that in this life most decisions are not 'black and white' (ie not wrong or right) but rather 'grey'. Can you turn this around, by telling yourself that your decision WAS NOT "wrong" (as telling yourself it is wrong is 'black and white' thinking) but was in fact a mistake? Beating yourself up bears no fruit. It only makes you feel worse and less motivated, it keeps you stuck in fear.

fear is a habit i guess.. maybe we should learn to think more positively and just do it to take any risk in life...

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Posted

Hi Rinahen,

Perhaps that was a bit of a scary commitment to make. Of course you could have done it, but I am not surprised you declined. Many people would have, because it would have taken a great deal of commitment.

In order to train your memory into linking challenges with positive emotions (instead of negative ones), it can be really useful to begin with small things.

Take risks in other words. You can do this every day. It can be quite positive, for example, the next time you see another woman in a gorgeous dress, tell her how great she looks! Her positive reaction will make you feel good and in turn you will have associated the risk of speaking to a complete stranger with good feelings.

Maybe you would even want to speak to some of the ladies in your women's group about this fear. I am sure most of them will know exactly what you're talking about! The truth is, most people beat themselves up about lost opportunities, even the most "successful".

Be loving of yourself. Don't categorize yourself as someone who is afraid of life. We were all equally brainwashed that we weren't good enough, trust me.

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Posted

Fortunately, fear does not play an element in my life anymore. Depression and fear do not have a correlation in my case, which is contrary to other depressives I know. I did have many fears before I became a 'depressive', however, they seemed to have diminished over the years. I don't believe fear is necessarily a bad thing, I used to feel fear years ago because I cared enough to fear, now I don't, but not fearing is very invigorating in itself too.

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