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I Feel Like I'm Dying


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#1 cranky123

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 01:20 AM

This is the first place today that I have been able to post. I need help here. I feel like I am dying. No one to talk to. My life has no purpose. I cannot take my own life but my life at this moment ha no reason to continue. I am literally dying inside.i don't know what to do Please help me.

Edited by SecretMist, 23 January 2010 - 02:08 AM.


#2 SecretMist

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 02:09 AM

Hi cranky123 and Welcome to DF,

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now and that your family isn't understanding of your depression. Sometimes people either don't understand depression and really have no information as to how depression can effect our lives. Are you currently seeing professional help like a therapist/pdoc and on any medications that may be of help for you? Perhaps you could tell us a bit more of what is going on so that we can offer you the support that you need and deserve. We are here for you with understanding and support.

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If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#3 Rosegirl

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 04:59 AM

This is the first place today that I have been able to post. I need help here. I feel like I am dying. No one to talk to. My life has no purpose. I cannot take my own life but my life at this moment ha no reason to continue. I am literally dying inside.i don't know what to do Please help me.


:shocked: (((Cranky))) :sneaky2:
I agree with SecretMist. You are not alone when you are here. We are a bunch of people struggling this together.

I wish you good look with finding a therapist if you don't already have one. You only go to your ordinary doctor and ask to be referred. May be you need medication. If so, you are not alone in that either. A lot of us use medication.

Best wishes! :wwww:

R. G.

It is well to be up before daybreak,

for such habits contribute to health, wealth, and wisdom. (Aristotle)

 

The things that we pray for, good Lord,
give us your grace to work for.
(
St. Thomas More)


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#4 ChrystalR

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 08:38 AM

((((Cranky123))))

I am glad you`ve posted, you can find help and support here.
You are not alone, we want to talk to you :shocked: Have you considered calling a hotline when you feel it`s at its worst? Are you currently in therapy?
It will get better than this. You can get better. I know it feels like you are on a one-way road, but you are not. We have been there, I have been there, and managed to crawl back out. It`s possible and worth the struggle. Seek help. Find a professional that can help you. Do some research to find what might be the right alternative for you. Ask questions, we are here for you. The road towards recovery is bumpy, but you can take it a step at the time and you don`t have to do it alone :wwww:

ChrystalR

This is the first place today that I have been able to post. I need help here. I feel like I am dying. No one to talk to. My life has no purpose. I cannot take my own life but my life at this moment ha no reason to continue. I am literally dying inside.i don't know what to do Please help me.


*.*.*

Suspect I may, yet not directly tell:
For being both to me, both to each friend.
I guess one angel in another's hell:
The truth I shall not know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.

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*.*.*

#5 cranky123

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Posted 26 January 2010 - 11:37 PM

LETTER TO MY HUSBAND

Dear ----

I need to know if you have put me out of your life for good. I admit that I have made some huge mistakes. Its just that when a problem arises with me I cant talk to you about it. You have made it so clear that I cant talk to you. When I have tried before you have turned the conversation around and wouldn't hear me. You have shut me down so many times that I don't feel I can talk when I need to. I have worked so hard to provide for my family. It was not easy to work away from home. In a crap job. You never called while I was away to say "Hi" or "I miss you" or "I wish you were here". I have never felt like I was appreciated. It seemed like you were happy with me being away.

You need to understand what I have been living. Please read on with an open mind. You had a very powerful mother. Like it or not you are just like her. When she was mad at someone she took away something that she gave them. You do that to me. She criticized everything your Dad did. You do that to me. Over the years whether you meant to or not you have figuratively beaten me down to a point where I feel like I am of no use to anyone on this earth



INCOMPLETE I CANT FINISH NOW

#6 mimsy

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Posted 26 January 2010 - 11:44 PM

(((cranky))))

i think it is really good that you're writing; that can help a lot in sorting things out.

if it makes you feel even a tad better, i relate so much to your first post; i feel so purposeless and useless right now too.....but i do get some help here in that when i read OTHER people talking badly about themselves, it makes no sense to me......it really is part of the depression, where we can't see outside of our bubble to see that if someone ELSE were saying the mean things about themselves as we are saying to OURselves, we would not agree w/ them at all......

i know that thought only goes so far to help; a lot of it is just pain. just don't do anything drastic and see if you can ride it out.

and again, the writing is a good thing i think; doesn't matter if you ever send the letter or not; you're organizing your thoughts.

please realize that other people don't think of you the way you are thinking of yourself....i know that is way easier said than done; i'm in the same predicament......but i feel for you; i know it hurts so bad and i want to give up too.....i'll hang on at least tonight if you will.

#7 cranky123

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Posted 26 January 2010 - 11:59 PM

mimsy

Thank you for your encouraging words. It helps. I need to find a way for my family to understand where I am. I have all my life been the one with the answers and support. Now I am in a place where I need answers and support and the people I thought I could count on have turned me away. Two of the most important people in my life wont even talk to me.

#8 mimsy

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 12:13 AM

mimsy

Thank you for your encouraging words. It helps. I need to find a way for my family to understand where I am. I have all my life been the one with the answers and support. Now I am in a place where I need answers and support and the people I thought I could count on have turned me away. Two of the most important people in my life wont even talk to me.


Well, w/o knowing your family, I can guess that if they aren't "in the know" about depression and how debilitating it can be, or if this is your first episode where it is really interfering in your ability to be the supportive one, then you're probably pretty freaked out about trying to explain it to them -- like THAT's an easy task! How to explain all THIS mess of emotions and how it just turns a person into a slug, when other people can't see why things seem so bad????? And like it's really possible to explain it well when you're STUCK in it!! - Which, of course, is when you NEED to really explain it, if this is the first time your family is seeing this in you. Such a catch-22.

If you do have a therapist or doctor, you can try to use them to broach the subject w/ your family.....either by telling them of their concern or giving your family educational materials.....it's silly, but sometimes people will take it more seriously if it comes from a doctor - even though you could hand them the same pamphlet or give them the same info -- but if you have that luxury of having a mediator/advocate like a doctor/therapist - use it!!

I'm not sure all your circumstances, but it seems like your husband/family are probably just kind of scared/freaked out if they are seeing changes in your personality or behaviors if they don't know that those things are caused by you being depressed. It's not their fault, really; not like the general public is well informed about depression (or any other mental illness, really).....I mean you could even CHOOSE the educational materials that address specifics of your own symptoms, but then just ask a doctor/therapist to give it to them.....that way you can avoid trying to formulate your thoughts enough to explain things if you're embarrassed or feel bad about things you've done due to symptoms.

I'm not sure your exact situation....but that's all I have for you right now. I'm lucky that my family does understand by now; it's been a long time since my first episode, plus a lot of them deal w/ the same stuff. But friends were another thing - I still am quite closeted w/ friends - and then employers; well, that's a whole 'nother thing......

Hope that helps a bit....you're not alone, at least know that.

Edited by mimsy, 27 January 2010 - 12:16 AM.


#9 cranky123

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 12:42 AM

After dark is the worst time of all. I cant sleep. 200mg of benadryl is useless

#10 mimsy

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 01:14 AM

ew, god, i know not sleeping is the worst.....one thing i learned about benedryl though from a doc is that even if you're tempted to take more when it isn't working, don't! b/c it will make it worse, like will have an opposite effect if you take more.

if you have a doc, you could ask for something else to help sleep....ambien works quick, especially if you're not used to it.....not that i'm pushing drugs, but i know that one has helped me a lot b/c it's fast acting.

#11 SecretMist

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 01:21 AM

((((((((((cranky)))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and darkness right now. I think that you have started your letter to your husband out just fine and it is a healthy way of getting your feelings out. You can finish your letter a little at a time at your own pace. Should you decide that you want him to read it then you could always copy it from here on to you word on your pc and print it out for him. I think it's really important that you seek some professional help. Can you tell us if you are seeking help or if your not is there a reason for not finding some help. We are here and we do understand, depression can really tear us apart and destroy our self esteem. You are safe here with us but I also think you may need some professional help also. We really do understand and have also felt that deep feeling of dying inside. You are not alone here hon. We can be a part of your support system. Is there anybody at all that you can talk to within your family or friends that can be there with you? Please try to remember that you are not alone here, we are right here with you. Please keep posting even if it is just the smallest of things, every little bit of posting helps. :shocked:

*********************************
If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#12 cranky123

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 01:24 AM

no job=no money=no doc = no script=no sleep

#13 Guest_joemarotta_*

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 01:45 AM

This is the first place today that I have been able to post. I need help here. I feel like I am dying. No one to talk to. My life has no purpose. I cannot take my own life but my life at this moment ha no reason to continue. I am literally dying inside.i don't know what to do Please help me.

Im new to this so i hope you get my message. I have had the same feelings you are describing for some time now. Theropy wont help me and after no sucess on 14 anti depressants even the theropists are out of options. Do you feel like maby some people were suppose to die at a very young age and your one of them except youv been forgotton. Mamy there is an answer but i really dont think its religion because ive tried many forms of that and they all seem so phoney. Organisied religion is for very simple minded people and im very glad it brings relief to those that fall that way but i think maby your situation needs another imput in order for you to get reduced pain from what your going through. I think i have the same issues with life that you have however im not sure. I wont push you to talk because theres so many phoneys out there but you can email me or do as you please to contact me. Trust that i have the same feelings you do now at least on this issue. I am a 52 year old male and i am not looking for a relationship or for that matter i dont know if i want to stay alive long enough to do much of anything. My boring life is somewhat stable but with my manic depression im not sure of anything. Lately it hasnt been manic its just been a very tired no reason to live day after day situation. I believe in a higher power but im not sure it cares about any of us. That is only for comfort as those that believe the higher power will help them. I dont know why im wakeing up at all any more . Maby we can figure this out if youd like to try. I wont beg you to reply to me but if you PM me, I'll give you my contact details. In Springfield Colorado

#14 cranky123

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 01:54 AM

I will tell you in a nutshell about me. Maybe you can guide me. I am an unemployed healthcare worker. In the field for 28 years. Maried at 17 mother at 18. Divorced at 22. Remarried at 31 mother of a 31 yo and 16 yo. Now 49 and separated involuntarily. In the early years of marriage #2 husband had a drug problem which I turned a blind eye on. There was physical abuse then but we got thtrough that. Since the drugs have gone away there has been no more physical abuse. It has been 6 years since he has physically hurt me. I howeveer have been unable to put all that behind me. I thought I forgave him. BUT i am still afraid. I dont think he understands that fear. I really feel he needs to look at his childhood to understand why he is like he is and make changes. his mother was toxic to everyone she touched. He is turning into her.
unable to continue now

#15 tamsynx

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 02:06 AM

Keep talking, we're listening. Some areas have free clinics/hospitals that you can go to for service.
I used to live in NM, I'll message you some information.
:shocked:
I am not a doctor. All I can do is offer my opinion.

#16 MEZooKeeper

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 02:11 AM

I will tell you in a nutshell about me. Maybe you can guide me. I am an unemployed healthcare worker. In the field for 28 years. Maried at 17 mother at 18. Divorced at 22. Remarried at 31 mother of a 31 yo and 16 yo. Now 49 and separated involuntarily. In the early years of marriage #2 husband had a drug problem which I turned a blind eye on. There was physical abuse then but we got thtrough that. Since the drugs have gone away there has been no more physical abuse. It has been 6 years since he has physically hurt me. I howeveer have been unable to put all that behind me. I thought I forgave him. BUT i am still afraid. I dont think he understands that fear. I really feel he needs to look at his childhood to understand why he is like he is and make changes. his mother was toxic to everyone she touched. He is turning into her.
unable to continue now


Hi cranky...I wanted to acknowledge you and validate you as a person. I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this now...it is all so overwhelming for you. Fear is a terrible emotion to deal with...and it is somewhat attached to his past treatment of you. Your trust has been violated and hasn't been regained. Are you looking for a reconciliation? Is there counseling available to the two of you?

You said you are "separated involuntarily"; can you share more about that and how you are coping with that part?

How you are doing at the moment is more important than the changes you think he needs to make because in the end...those changes may not be enough if therapy isn't included. You are possibly still feeling "threatened" even though the threats as they used to be are gone.

I feel for you and just want to give you a big ****HUG****. You have taken positive steps by posting here because you are getting rid of some of this anxiety and fear. You are being heard and you are so courageous, too. I applaud for your efforts and I hope you will continue to share...just a few steps at a time...

Peace to you and courage plus the strength to persevere through this storm...there is calm at the end of it.

MEZ
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#17 cranky123

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Posted 28 January 2010 - 02:20 AM

DECISION MADE.
I will not stay in Colorado with my son. Will go to Mom who is closer to my home. Get myself together and then if my family wont take me back screw them.

#18 cranky123

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Posted 28 January 2010 - 05:47 PM

Opinions welcome

I am staying with my son in Colorado. My Mom is in New Mexico. I want to go stay with my mom, get a job there and try to get pofessional help. I know I need an antidepressant and a sleeping med. My son thinks this is a bad idea. He thinks I should do that here with him. I think I would be better in a place I am more familliar with. Here I would be dependant on him to get to and from a job. Or use public tanspotation. With my mom I would have access to a car and have some sense of independance. Any input from out there would help. My son says that going to Moms is taking the easy way, but am I wrong in wanting SOMETHING to be easy in this most difficult time of my life?

#19 Trace

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Posted 29 January 2010 - 05:57 AM

Hi Cranky

I think that you should go with what you feel most comfortable with, as this is not an easy time for you.
I am glad that you are wanting to get professional help.
I can not really answer your question for you, but I can say that I have learned that it is always good to trust your inner instincts.

Trace
Listen in deep silence. Be very still and open your mind.... Sink deep into the peace that waits for you beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights and sounds of this insane world. - A course of miracles.

True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.



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#20 cranky123

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Posted 18 February 2010 - 04:00 PM

Update. I am in NM with my Mom. I talked with a psycologist fom her church. I have an appointment to start counceling next Friday. I have an appointment with an MD for WED to begin antidepressant medication. After I start my medication I will go home and face my family. I cant live in this limbo any longer. If they can't accept me with my illness then I need to cut them loose and get on with my life. I just pray that they will learn about Depression and be willing to aid in my recovery and continued treatment. Thanks for listening. I will be around. Hopefully I can help someone else when I get this under control.

Cranky

#21 Trace

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Posted 19 February 2010 - 02:36 AM

Hi Cranky

I think that it is wonderful that you are going this route. You sound like you are a strong person and you are doing everything you can to help yourself.
Good luck.

Trace
Listen in deep silence. Be very still and open your mind.... Sink deep into the peace that waits for you beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights and sounds of this insane world. - A course of miracles.

True beauty must come, must be grown, from within.... - Ralph W Trine.



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#22 BobB

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Posted 22 November 2013 - 05:50 PM

I made a huge mistake and i cant get over my depression.  I thought i could get my girlfriend's mom to accept me.  I didn't know why she didn't like me and i asked one of her family members.  Her family member didn't know and got upset.  Now i can't talk to my (ex) girlfriend anymore and its all my fault. I'm dying inside.






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