[calynn]

I've been depressed for several years now - more since I lost my job earlier this year. It was almost bearable when I was living alone, knowing that I could hide it from people. A few months ago, my Mom moved in with me (she's getting divorced) and it's been awful for me ever since. I'm more depressed now because I have to put on a happy face (or try to) when my Mom is around (which is most of the time). When I'm feeling really low, I just tell her I'm tired or don't feel well and go to my room to sleep. My Mom isn't understanding at all (about depression). She constantly puts down our relatives that are depressed, so I can't tell her (even though I'm sure she may have an idea) how bad my depression really is. I think she thinks I'm just lazy because I haven't found a new job yet - I haven't even been able to look due to the depression and low self image I have now.

Any ideas? I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up - the constant struggle to put on a happy face and the anxiety I have that I will be "found out" by her and the consequences that will come with that.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any feedback/comments/help/suggestions anyone has.

c

[Sheepwoman]

You can only pretend so long before your guard falls. It's strange how some people (your mom) look down on others because they have a mental illness. Surely she has issues over the divorce that may be depressing her and she's hiding it as well. She may have anger issues which can be a form of depression if they can't be resolved. My mom denied she had mental health problems and shouted at me when I told her I was Bipolar. Like no family member was ever depressed-hellooo. Once I moved out on my own, I never went back to live with my mom. Is your mom able to get an apartment of her own? If so, that would take some pressure off of you.

Are you being treated for your depression? Did you have it prior to losing your job? I dislike it when people think we're lazy, but depression knocks the stuffing out of us.
Sheepwoman

[frostfern]

Feeling that you must hide your true feelings from everyone, that's the worst feeling possible. You're not alone.

[calynn]

Sheepwoman, on Dec 13 2009, 12:19 PM, said:

You can only pretend so long before your guard falls. It's strange how some people (your mom) look down on others because they have a mental illness. Surely she has issues over the divorce that may be depressing her and she's hiding it as well. She may have anger issues which can be a form of depression if they can't be resolved. My mom denied she had mental health problems and shouted at me when I told her I was Bipolar. Like no family member was ever depressed-hellooo. Once I moved out on my own, I never went back to live with my mom. Is your mom able to get an apartment of her own? If so, that would take some pressure off of you.

Are you being treated for your depression? Did you have it prior to losing your job? I dislike it when people think we're lazy, but depression knocks the stuffing out of us.
Sheepwoman

Thanks, I know it's strange that Mom looks down on people with depression - she's had it herself in the past. But, since she doesn't have it now she has forgotten (short memory).

And, yes is does knock you off your feet. I wish Mom could get her own apartment, but she can't afford it...

c

[Chasing Sanity]

The more people hide it, the longer the stigma will remain.

[calynn]

frostfern, on Dec 13 2009, 12:59 PM, said:

Feeling that you must hide your true feelings from everyone, that's the worst feeling possible. You're not alone.

Thank you - it is an awful feeling...

[calynn]

Chasing Sanity, on Dec 13 2009, 04:02 PM, said:

The more people hide it, the longer the stigma will remain.

It will always be a "stigma" for some people. Hiding it from certain people is a survival mechanism.

[calynn]

calynn, on Dec 13 2009, 04:02 PM, said:

Sheepwoman, on Dec 13 2009, 12:19 PM, said:

You can only pretend so long before your guard falls. It's strange how some people (your mom) look down on others because they have a mental illness. Surely she has issues over the divorce that may be depressing her and she's hiding it as well. She may have anger issues which can be a form of depression if they can't be resolved. My mom denied she had mental health problems and shouted at me when I told her I was Bipolar. Like no family member was ever depressed-hellooo. Once I moved out on my own, I never went back to live with my mom. Is your mom able to get an apartment of her own? If so, that would take some pressure off of you.

Are you being treated for your depression? Did you have it prior to losing your job? I dislike it when people think we're lazy, but depression knocks the stuffing out of us.
Sheepwoman

Thanks, I know it's strange that Mom looks down on people with depression - she's had it herself in the past. But, since she doesn't have it now she has forgotten (short memory).

And, yes is does knock you off your feet. I wish Mom could get her own apartment, but she can't afford it...

c

Oh, and yes I am being treated for it but the treatments (various) haven't worked so far.

[shio]

Gosh I've had depression all my life and have learned to become a great actor when I'm around other people.
When I came home I crashed big time so I never bothered to 'act' around my mom - at first she honestly could not understand my depression and like your mom, she thought it's such an easy thing to deal with and snap out of. Ahhh NOT...
Over the years she had learned more about depression and now when I crash she gives me space.

[karlarenee]

Calynn, I know exactly how you feel. I've faked it around my family as long as I can remember. I also come from a family that does not believe that mental illness is real. I've lost count on how many times that I've been told to "snap out of it". I've recently begun seeing a therapist and have been put on Zoloft. But I still haven't told any family members, or anybody for that matter.

[calynn]

karlarenee, on Dec 14 2009, 02:56 AM, said:

Calynn, I know exactly how you feel. I've faked it around my family as long as I can remember. I also come from a family that does not believe that mental illness is real. I've lost count on how many times that I've been told to "snap out of it". I've recently begun seeing a therapist and have been put on Zoloft. But I still haven't told any family members, or anybody for that matter.

That's the worst - when you get told to just snap out of it. It makes me feel like more of a failure, which leads to more depression, lower self-esteem, etc. I just don't get it. Does anyone honestly believe someone would want to be depressed? I think it's very selfish when people are so judgemental. I know depression affects everyone close to you on some level, but if you're doing everything you can to help yourself and are still depressed, people need to give you a break...

Hope the Z and therapy works for you!

c

[calynn]

calynn, on Dec 14 2009, 09:22 AM, said:

karlarenee, on Dec 14 2009, 02:56 AM, said:

Calynn, I know exactly how you feel. I've faked it around my family as long as I can remember. I also come from a family that does not believe that mental illness is real. I've lost count on how many times that I've been told to "snap out of it". I've recently begun seeing a therapist and have been put on Zoloft. But I still haven't told any family members, or anybody for that matter.

That's the worst - when you get told to just snap out of it. It makes me feel like more of a failure, which leads to more depression, lower self-esteem, etc. I just don't get it. Does anyone honestly believe someone would want to be depressed? I think it's very selfish when people are so judgemental. I know depression affects everyone close to you on some level, but if you're doing everything you can to help yourself and are still depressed, people need to give you a break...

Hope the Z and therapy works for you!

c

Another thing that happens (to me at least) is that I become very isolated. When I first got depressed, I used to talk to my family and friends about it. After a while though, they get tired of hearing it (can't blame them), so I now just have to keep my feelings to myself for the most part. When it builds up to the point where I can't take it anymore, I'll drink and sleep for days to avoid thinking about it. That just makes it worse because then I feel bad physically in addition to mentally - viscious cycle...

[calynn]

shio, on Dec 13 2009, 05:42 PM, said:

Gosh I've had depression all my life and have learned to become a great actor when I'm around other people.
When I came home I crashed big time so I never bothered to 'act' around my mom - at first she honestly could not understand my depression and like your mom, she thought it's such an easy thing to deal with and snap out of. Ahhh NOT...
Over the years she had learned more about depression and now when I crash she gives me space.

I can be a good actor too - I just have to limit the amount of time I'm around people because it's so exhausting. I'm glad your mom is more understanding now. Maybe mine will get better in time too.

[frostfern]

calynn, on Dec 14 2009, 09:22 AM, said:

karlarenee, on Dec 14 2009, 02:56 AM, said:

Calynn, I know exactly how you feel. I've faked it around my family as long as I can remember. I also come from a family that does not believe that mental illness is real. I've lost count on how many times that I've been told to "snap out of it". I've recently begun seeing a therapist and have been put on Zoloft. But I still haven't told any family members, or anybody for that matter.

That's the worst - when you get told to just snap out of it. It makes me feel like more of a failure, which leads to more depression, lower self-esteem, etc. I just don't get it. Does anyone honestly believe someone would want to be depressed? I think it's very selfish when people are so judgemental. I know depression affects everyone close to you on some level, but if you're doing everything you can to help yourself and are still depressed, people need to give you a break...

Hope the Z and therapy works for you!

c

There's also new research that shows that the brain of a depressed person is PHYSICALLY altered such that it takes more energy to generate positive emotions. This correlates precisely with my own experience on a very intuitive level. Even when there's nothing particularly horrendous going on in my life and there are positive things to think about I still experience a generalized emotional flatness and lethargy. No matter what I'm experiencing from moment to moment that flatness is always there like an undertone that tarnishes all that I experience. I might have some control over what I'm thinking about in any given moment but I have little or no control over that generalized "feeling" that depression gives me or the accompanying exhaustion that it brings.

People have no basis for thinking you can just "snap out of it". Maybe they can relate to feeling down from time to time and therefore think they can toss around the word "depression" as if they knew what it was, but they really have no clue. I know people sometimes mean well when they say things like "we all get depressed from time to time, you just have to buck it up and keep moving, life goes on, etc." but it's so unhelpful.

[calynn]

frostfern, on Dec 14 2009, 12:12 PM, said:

calynn, on Dec 14 2009, 09:22 AM, said:

karlarenee, on Dec 14 2009, 02:56 AM, said:

Calynn, I know exactly how you feel. I've faked it around my family as long as I can remember. I also come from a family that does not believe that mental illness is real. I've lost count on how many times that I've been told to "snap out of it". I've recently begun seeing a therapist and have been put on Zoloft. But I still haven't told any family members, or anybody for that matter.

That's the worst - when you get told to just snap out of it. It makes me feel like more of a failure, which leads to more depression, lower self-esteem, etc. I just don't get it. Does anyone honestly believe someone would want to be depressed? I think it's very selfish when people are so judgemental. I know depression affects everyone close to you on some level, but if you're doing everything you can to help yourself and are still depressed, people need to give you a break...

Hope the Z and therapy works for you!

c

There's also new research that shows that the brain of a depressed person is PHYSICALLY altered such that it takes more energy to generate positive emotions. This correlates precisely with my own experience on a very intuitive level. Even when there's nothing particularly horrendous going on in my life and there are positive things to think about I still experience a generalized emotional flatness and lethargy. No matter what I'm experiencing from moment to moment that flatness is always there like an undertone that tarnishes all that I experience. I might have some control over what I'm thinking about in any given moment but I have little or no control over that generalized "feeling" that depression gives me or the accompanying exhaustion that it brings.

People have no basis for thinking you can just "snap out of it". Maybe they can relate to feeling down from time to time and therefore think they can toss around the word "depression" as if they knew what it was, but they really have no clue. I know people sometimes mean well when they say things like "we all get depressed from time to time, you just have to buck it up and keep moving, life goes on, etc." but it's so unhelpful.

I can really relate to the "flatness" you talk about. When I first became depressed, it was "situational" and I would have extreme mood swings and intense anxiety. After some time, it went from situational to the constant flat feeling after I take my anxiety meds. So, I am either very axious and moody, or I'm flat - there's no in between really except when my depression is really bad. On a day to day basis, I just exist for the most part.

Thanks for your post - although I'm sorry you're in a similar situation, it does help to have someone to relate to. And, you're exactly right about most people that feel down now and then don't have any idea what it's like to live like that everday.

[kirkwuk]

I find people who are good at hiding depression fascinating. Please tell me how, as it's something I've never been able to do. The amount of times I've been told I look like a miserable "(insert insult here)" is embarrassing.

This post has been edited by kirkwuk: 14 December 2009 - 06:51 PM

[alexinanutshell]

I feel for you Calynn. I may only be young but I can say now that it can be hard hiding depression. I suffered from severe depression a couple of years back and I feel it's coming back with a vengeance. I'm trying to hide it especially from my mum who is going through a hard, busy and hectic time at the minute. None of my friends know and neither does my mum, I just manage somehow.

I hope you are feeling ok, stupid thing to say really but, We're all here for you :)

Alex

[tamsynx]

Yeah, it's hard with parents. My mom used to tell me that when I was depressed, I just had to go do something to make myself undepressed. She didn't really understand at first, until she sat in on a session with my counselor. That was with my first depression in 1993. With my current depression, she seems to have forgotten everything again. So I tried to fake it around her. Luckily, my husband has had depression in the past, so he knows what it's like. I'm much better on meds now, but whenever I visit my mom, if I start feeling bad I just tell her I need a nap and go lay down for a while. It takes a lot of effort to fake it, but it also takes a lot of effort to make some people understand.

[deedee80]

calynn, on Dec 13 2009, 02:57 PM, said:

I've been depressed for several years now - more since I lost my job earlier this year. It was almost bearable when I was living alone, knowing that I could hide it from people. A few months ago, my Mom moved in with me (she's getting divorced) and it's been awful for me ever since. I'm more depressed now because I have to put on a happy face (or try to) when my Mom is around (which is most of the time). When I'm feeling really low, I just tell her I'm tired or don't feel well and go to my room to sleep. My Mom isn't understanding at all (about depression). She constantly puts down our relatives that are depressed, so I can't tell her (even though I'm sure she may have an idea) how bad my depression really is. I think she thinks I'm just lazy because I haven't found a new job yet - I haven't even been able to look due to the depression and low self image I have now.

Any ideas? I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up - the constant struggle to put on a happy face and the anxiety I have that I will be "found out" by her and the consequences that will come with that.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any feedback/comments/help/suggestions anyone has.

c

I'm sorry that you have to hide your depression, but like another member said, you can't hide it forever. I tried it and it didn't work. I lost friends becaue they couldn't handle that I have mental health issues. I think you should tell her and if she loves you, she will understand and not belittle you. If she doesn't understand, I would still tell her and get help for your depression. At least you have someone you can talk to.

Tamsynx,

When I first diagnosed years ago with depression and panic disorders, I told an ex-friend. She told me I needed to get laid. That was her reason why I was depressed. That might have made the problem worse. She's pregnant now and I'm sure she is going to have some type of depression when she has the baby.

This post has been edited by deedee80: 16 December 2009 - 01:06 PM

[alexinanutshell]

kirkwuk, on Dec 14 2009, 11:51 PM, said:

I find people who are good at hiding depression fascinating. Please tell me how, as it's something I've never been able to do. The amount of times I've been told I look like a miserable "(insert insult here)" is embarrassing.

I don't know how I manage it. When I was first depressed my mum easily noticed. But over the months I managed to hide it gradually. But it's gotten to me and now I don't really even know what my own feelings are. I'm thinking one thing one minute, then something else the next.

Now, nobody except people I've told know what I'm truly feeling. It's kind of saddening really.

Alex

[kirkwuk]

deedee80, on Dec 16 2009, 02:02 PM, said:

calynn, on Dec 13 2009, 02:57 PM, said:

I've been depressed for several years now - more since I lost my job earlier this year. It was almost bearable when I was living alone, knowing that I could hide it from people. A few months ago, my Mom moved in with me (she's getting divorced) and it's been awful for me ever since. I'm more depressed now because I have to put on a happy face (or try to) when my Mom is around (which is most of the time). When I'm feeling really low, I just tell her I'm tired or don't feel well and go to my room to sleep. My Mom isn't understanding at all (about depression). She constantly puts down our relatives that are depressed, so I can't tell her (even though I'm sure she may have an idea) how bad my depression really is. I think she thinks I'm just lazy because I haven't found a new job yet - I haven't even been able to look due to the depression and low self image I have now.

Any ideas? I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up - the constant struggle to put on a happy face and the anxiety I have that I will be "found out" by her and the consequences that will come with that.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any feedback/comments/help/suggestions anyone has.

c

I'm sorry that you have to hide your depression, but like another member said, you can't hide it forever. I tried it and it didn't work. I lost friends becaue they couldn't handle that I have mental health issues. I think you should tell her and if she loves you, she will understand and not belittle you. If she doesn't understand, I would still tell her and get help for your depression. At least you have someone you can talk to.

Tamsynx,

When I first diagnosed years ago with depression and panic disorders, I told an ex-friend. She told me I needed to get laid. That was her reason why I was depressed. That might have made the problem worse. She's pregnant now and I'm sure she is going to have some type of depression when she has the baby.

I had a similar thing happen only when I told my partner about my issues. My behavior had become erratic and I guess it was the only thing I could do. It was the beginning of the end when I let it out, and when we finally finished my depression and anxiety peaked. "Getting laid" wasn't an option for me because I was having trouble respecting myself so was not interested in feelings for someone else.

I figured out years and years later it was my problem that I was worried that someone who I thought I loved was so shallow and thoughless. All these years later I realise it was for the best. That person came back into my life not long ago but honestly, I lived and learnt from it. That's the most important part of the dark we tread through in life. Don't walk back and keep moving forward.

This post has been edited by kirkwuk: 16 December 2009 - 05:16 PM

[deedee80]

kirkwuk, on Dec 16 2009, 05:14 PM, said:

deedee80, on Dec 16 2009, 02:02 PM, said:

calynn, on Dec 13 2009, 02:57 PM, said:

I've been depressed for several years now - more since I lost my job earlier this year. It was almost bearable when I was living alone, knowing that I could hide it from people. A few months ago, my Mom moved in with me (she's getting divorced) and it's been awful for me ever since. I'm more depressed now because I have to put on a happy face (or try to) when my Mom is around (which is most of the time). When I'm feeling really low, I just tell her I'm tired or don't feel well and go to my room to sleep. My Mom isn't understanding at all (about depression). She constantly puts down our relatives that are depressed, so I can't tell her (even though I'm sure she may have an idea) how bad my depression really is. I think she thinks I'm just lazy because I haven't found a new job yet - I haven't even been able to look due to the depression and low self image I have now.

Any ideas? I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up - the constant struggle to put on a happy face and the anxiety I have that I will be "found out" by her and the consequences that will come with that.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any feedback/comments/help/suggestions anyone has.

c

I'm sorry that you have to hide your depression, but like another member said, you can't hide it forever. I tried it and it didn't work. I lost friends becaue they couldn't handle that I have mental health issues. I think you should tell her and if she loves you, she will understand and not belittle you. If she doesn't understand, I would still tell her and get help for your depression. At least you have someone you can talk to.

Tamsynx,

When I first diagnosed years ago with depression and panic disorders, I told an ex-friend. She told me I needed to get laid. That was her reason why I was depressed. That might have made the problem worse. She's pregnant now and I'm sure she is going to have some type of depression when she has the baby.

I had a similar thing happen only when I told my partner about my issues. My behavior had become erratic and I guess it was the only thing I could do. It was the beginning of the end when I let it out, and when we finally finished my depression and anxiety peaked. "Getting laid" wasn't an option for me because I was having trouble respecting myself so was not interested in feelings for someone else.

I figured out years and years later it was my problem that I was worried that someone who I thought I loved was so shallow and thoughless. All these years later I realise it was for the best. That person came back into my life not long ago but honestly, I lived and learnt from it. That's the most important part of the dark we tread through in life. Don't walk back and keep moving forward.

I don't know why people feel like, "getting laid" is the cure for everything. I moved on my own because I felt like it would help my depression and be more in control over my life. Nope, it didn't work. In fact, it got worse. I used to cry nights because the apt I was living in was a house that was turned into an apt. So, there was only a thin wall blocking my apt and the other tenants. Well, they would hit on the wall and balst their music from 6 am to 10 pm. I worked from home, so that was annoying. I told the real estate manager, who took their side because they lived there longer than I. I became insane in that apt. I broke my lease after 6 months. I couldn't take it, mentally. I would go to sleep crying every night because it was like no one believed me. The crazy thing that happeneded was that since they were hitting on the wall, my pipes burst. Of course, they blamed me. I think I got off topic. Sorry.

This post has been edited by deedee80: 16 December 2009 - 05:46 PM

[dishonorable mention]

I have been having difficulties with hiding my depression as well; it is like you have to 'entertain' people, which is extremely draining. Explicit communication is key; I feel that is sorely lacking in society in general. I think it is better in some instances to let things out and deal with those consequences rather than dealing with the consequences of putting up a constant facade and bottling everything inside. I'm probably not making much sense and missing some kind of point...but I feel the same way and hope you can find a way for yourself. Sorry if I wasted your time by posting my little spiel.

[silver lining]

calynn, on Dec 14 2009, 01:29 PM, said:

calynn, on Dec 14 2009, 09:22 AM, said:

karlarenee, on Dec 14 2009, 02:56 AM, said:

Calynn, I know exactly how you feel. I've faked it around my family as long as I can remember. I also come from a family that does not believe that mental illness is real. I've lost count on how many times that I've been told to "snap out of it". I've recently begun seeing a therapist and have been put on Zoloft. But I still haven't told any family members, or anybody for that matter.

That's the worst - when you get told to just snap out of it. It makes me feel like more of a failure, which leads to more depression, lower self-esteem, etc. I just don't get it. Does anyone honestly believe someone would want to be depressed? I think it's very selfish when people are so judgemental. I know depression affects everyone close to you on some level, but if you're doing everything you can to help yourself and are still depressed, people need to give you a break...

Hope the Z and therapy works for you!

c

Another thing that happens (to me at least) is that I become very isolated. When I first got depressed, I used to talk to my family and friends about it. After a while though, they get tired of hearing it (can't blame them), so I now just have to keep my feelings to myself for the most part. When it builds up to the point where I can't take it anymore, I'll drink and sleep for days to avoid thinking about it. That just makes it worse because then I feel bad physically in addition to mentally - viscious cycle...

I am at the beginning of one of those cycles. I have been pushing my friends away and they have now stopped calling and stopped asking what is wrong. I don't feel like anyone thinks I'm that important to see if I'm ok. I keep pushing my husband's buttons because he doesn't understand...but I really don't want to push him away. I have nobody who wants to listen...and that makes me feel SO isolated and alone. I reach out to others online, but feel like I sound desperate for friendship. I just want to be able to be released from these feelings and live a normal life, but everyone thinks I want attention...so I stopped talking about it. :-(

[Jayne]

I go in cycles of hiding my depression. I just started a new job and do not plan on sharing. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and I think I lately I try and hide it more than I used to. I have an underlying fear that "this time" he'll just be fed up with dealing with it and give up on us/me. He promises that this won't happen ever but if I get tired of having these cycles of depression he must surely be fed up as well.

I find that I must hide my depression from my children(15 and 11). I dont want them to be burdened by it, but I am finding as they get older it is harder. I tend to ask them to do more, like make their lunch or take on a few more chores. I try and keep my crying to a minimum or hide it or when I feel completely spent I use my husband to take over. This has a double edge sword however. When I can't be the mom I want to be ( making lunches and breakfasts for them every morning or letting them have friends over every weekend or going out to play with them) it makes me feel like a bad mom which makes me feel worse.

While my husband has never said it, I can't help but think he must wonder why I can't change for the sake of the kids. I wonder the same things. Does anyone else do this?

[tamsynx]

One thing I've been glad about is that the 3 networks seem to be showing a lot of depression public service announcements (depression is an illness, etc. etc.) I'm hoping that people will finally get it into their heads that we're not defective or weak. (And maybe we can finally believe it too!)

I'm in grad school, and I haven't seen anyone there in a year because of the depression. I'll be going back soon, and I really don't know what to tell people. I've been ill? I had a nervous breakdown? It's depression and anxiety? Argh.

Jayne, I don't have kids, but for what it's worth, you may want to talk to them. One of my friends suffered from severe depression and her mother kept telling her she didn't have it and she was fine. Later, she found out that her mom had actually suffered from depression as well but had hid it from her. My friend kept saying, if they'd talked, she might have been able to deal with it better when she developed depression. And she would have known why sometimes her mom acted weird or didn't seem to be there.

[brighten]

tamsynx, on Dec 28 2009, 07:19 PM, said:

One thing I've been glad about is that the 3 networks seem to be showing a lot of depression public service announcements (depression is an illness, etc. etc.) I'm hoping that people will finally get it into their heads that we're not defective or weak. (And maybe we can finally believe it too!)

I'm in grad school, and I haven't seen anyone there in a year because of the depression. I'll be going back soon, and I really don't know what to tell people. I've been ill? I had a nervous breakdown? It's depression and anxiety? Argh.

Jayne, I don't have kids, but for what it's worth, you may want to talk to them. One of my friends suffered from severe depression and her mother kept telling her she didn't have it and she was fine. Later, she found out that her mom had actually suffered from depression as well but had hid it from her. My friend kept saying, if they'd talked, she might have been able to deal with it better when she developed depression. And she would have known why sometimes her mom acted weird or didn't seem to be there.

Jayne and Tamsynx - this is a great point, in fact my daughter (now 27) was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago and it really was good that we could talk about it and she understood how important it was to get help. She's doing great now. Sometimes I think it helps to talk to the kids so they know it's not their fault - or yours. You ARE a good mom!! Good luck !!

[IsleofSkye]

Callyn,

I personally haven't ever been able to hide my depression from people I live with. Outsiders, yes, sometimes. By psyching myself up. For example, a friend's wedding, I had to psych myself up a week in advance. A friend's grad party, same thing. But when it gets really bad, then nothing will happen. Guests come over to my house, but I don't leave my room. I don't eat dinner with them. And I hear about it later on from my mother's sister when we have a fight.

My mother has been most understanding, considering. Except when she gets angry (which is a lot) and tells me stuff like "you just don't want to work "you don't want to get better"

Today, I'm feeling what "normal" must feel like. So when I smiled at her, or made a joke, it was for real. When I danced a little, it felt good. I'm fed up of the bad attacking me again and again and again, though. I dread it's reappearance, I've had a miserable three months.

I know it's hard, but maybe if you stop trying to find validation from her. As in, think along these lines, her reaction to your disease has nothing to do with you. It's her stuff, her opinion is just that. Even when you fake it, if she's going to pick on you, she'll find something else. Especially as she's going through her own tragedy in her divorce.

And I'm sure there must be days when you don't feel so bad and can function at a better level.

silver lining: keep posting online. We DO empathise. I've been told I'm an attention seeker. The depression makes it more likely we agree with other people's bad opinions of us. We're in so much self doubt that we can't tell whether it's truly us or the disease. We have very black and white thinking. I know. You're not seeking attention, you just want it to go AWAY. After all, there are better ways of getting attention and positive attention.

General note: there must be at least one person you can talk to who can empathise. I never thought I'd find them: in the past year I've found three people, one person I never thought would care. There must be hope. There must be!

[RuralIL]

I'm a "hider" myself. I'll usually attribute anything that seems obvious to people to being run down, or having a virus, or it being the anniversary of something bad that happened. I go back and forth with myself as to the wisdom of that in different situations, but it's what I do. Depression's a tough gig, however you shake it up.

[Symora]

When I was younger I could not hide it. The feelings were so strong I could not control them, I was like dynomite ! At work I managed sort of well, but at lunch time I would go into a lunch room and have a crying fit. Man, I was in bad shape back then... before medication. But now that I've got more years behind me, and I am consistent with medication, I find I can hide it better, and I do. I am conscious though that I need people in my life with whom I can let it all hang out (even if it's a therapist) or else the negative energy within me start building up like a volcano, and you don't want to be there when it blows .. good god, I don't even want to be there!

Soooo, now I know I have to let out the anxiety regularly, and I can do it in small doses if I do it regularly enough. Now I also try to spread it around, a little here and little there, and that way I don't have to overwhelm anyone. With some people I just don't do it all because they don't have that kind of emotional makeup, they just can't relate and it's like we are from different planets. Sort of that MBTI thing (Myers-Briggs Personality test) where we can see that people who have very different personality types are not compatible in their approach to things. I tend to be choosy about who I will say what to, but in order to deepen a relationship I will try to divulge a little more and see what happens. I don't throw it all out there anymore, it's too overwhelming to others.... I've actually made some good friends in the process, people who had spouses who suffered from depression, or a kid. I give them some insight and we all get to know each other at a deeper, more personal level....

Love this thread, it has put some things in perspective for me, and I realize that in fact I am not 'hiding' the depression, but rather that I am being judicious about who I discuss it with since I do live in the real world with real people who have a long way to go to be perfect for me ....

Thanks for bringing this up!

This post has been edited by Symora: 29 December 2009 - 04:57 PM