[Ekim]

Hi there.

I joined DF about two months as I entered my latest depression. I had planned to get active, but I've not been able to get my thoughts down all that well when I have tried. After a major relapse this evening, I'm taking the plunge and just writing everything as it comes to me. It might be good practice for my first appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday.

I've suffered from depression since at least my early teens. A troubled childhood as the tall, gangly spec-wearer of the class made me a prime target for bullying. Before my teens, I was fairly confident in high-pressure situations (or as high-pressure as they get for 8-12 year olds, school plays, etc) but when puberty hit my confidence dropped with my balls.

The bullying worsened through my teen years and a number of times I broke down completely. Physical Education lessons were the worst. Zero sporting prowess here. During high school I lashed out with words and fists at those who attacked me, but the anger always ended with an emotional breakdown.

I've been with an amazing girlfriend for four years, but consider it cruel to keep dragging her along with my depression. I love her more than words could say, but don't believe it is right to burden her with my daemons. She stood by me through a depression when I started University three years ago, but that was nothing compared to this latest episode.

It was triggered eight weeks ago and came out of nowhere as far as I am concerned. I actually thought I had my life heading in the right direction and things were looking up. I'd just come out of University with a first class honours degree in journalism, and though jobs in the industry were scarce I was taking steps in the right direction: I'd set myself up with a careers adviser, sorted driving lessons, set up a professional looking blog.

But one Thursday night, I woke up with a sudden feeling of nausea. I've never been good with vomiting (mine or that of others) and it all seems to have gone downhill from there. My relapse this evening which drew me to my lowest ebb was brought about by another nausea spell. I had actually had one of my best days for a while with my driving lesson going exceptionally well. It was all brought crashing down around me though as I spent two hours sobbing in my bathroom.

My doctor believes the nausea and anxiety are related, and while that's true she's got it back to front. The nausea causes the anxiety, not the other way round. I could probably cope quite happily without the nausea. I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue (though not CFS), but it has never featured nausea, only ridiculous levels of fatigue.

I've been on Mirtazapine 30mg (one a day) for the depression and Propranolol 10mg (three times a day) for the anxiety, and their effects come and go. With every low I have darker thoughts and it is starting to ruin my life. I have to go to work tomorrow, a job at a supermarket I've only held for a week. I thought it would do good for me to have a distraction and new people to see, but what if I break down tomorrow? I do not want to appear unreliable by calling in sick or unstable by weeping over someone's groceries.

I'm not sure how much of this is useful for explaining more of my state of mind but I wanted to get some thoughts out there. I'll report back here as things develop. Thanks for reading this far.

[SecretMist]

Hi Ekim and Welcome to DF,

I'm glad that you have decided to post your feelings and a long with all that you have been going through. You have taken a big step in posting here where others can understand and relate to what you are feeling. It sounds like your girlfriend really cares a lot about you since she is still with you and has supported you through out your depression episodes and that says a lot about how much she really cares. This is good practice in getting your feelings out before going for your first appt with your pdoc. you may want to print your post out and take it with you if you are feeling a lot of anxiety with your first appt. Depression can cause so many triggering reactions in all of us that we normally don't do, like lashing out and such, sometimes we feel like a totally different person when depression strikes so I can understand where your coming from. I'm kind of guessing that your family doctor put you on the remeron since your going to your first pdoc appt coming up. Remeron helps with depression but also helps with sleep to which I take at night time as many people do, some people can tolerate it during the day as we are all different individuals and may have different effects with different meds. You may want to ask your pdoc when you see them as if your not doing so good during the day then you may need a dosage change or med change. I'm not a professional but this may be causing the tiredness and darkness through out your days with the Remeron and Propranolol. Something that I have come to realize is that many people who are terribly sensitive with nausea and vomiting, this can trigger anxiety and yet also anxiety can also cause nausea and vomiting as that is what I experience. We are all different and will react differently. The best way to get through this is to explain to your pdoc in which way this does effect you as many GP docs don't have as much experience as the pdoc's do. You have done wonderful in sharing yourself with us here so that we can offer the support a long with some suggestions if needed. Do keep posting and let us know how things go for you.

[Ekim]

Thanks for the reply. I'll probably print this off for my session tomorrow. I'm deeply hating the two different sides of me at the moment. The one step forward, two steps back routine is hard to take. When I'm feeling up, great, but it just doesn't seem to last long and it's tearing me up inside.

The nausea is a huge problem for me at the moment, and the fact I've stopped eating properly is almost certainly not helping things. So now I wonder what's anxiety-based nausea, what's hunger-based nausea, what's just random nausea that still needs a medical diagnosis. It's making me more upset every time it comes back, and now it's heaped on more concerns for me as I've only just got a part-time job which I desperately want to hold on to.

I've had the job for two weeks, believing it would be a great aid for my recovery. To start with, it was. But now I'm on a low I'm worried that I'll be letting people if I don't go in tomorrow. I'm meant to be covering for someone who's taken the day off for their family, but there's all these terrified questions running through my mind should I go. Will I freak out? What if the nausea strikes at the worst moment? What if I actually do vomit this time?

I think sheer willpower alone has kept the vomit down over the past weeks, but it just feels like it's not worth fighting anymore. But then I consider letting it happen, and I freak out even worse. It's just one vicious cycle I can't seem to escape.

And I'm sure it's pushing my relationship to its closest breaking point. No matter how much my girlfriend insists she's okay with looking after me, with taking me to my session tomorrow, I don't believe her and still think she's better off free of me and my depression.

This post has been edited by Ekim: 14 December 2009 - 05:32 AM

[Ekim]

I could do with getting up to five posts soon so I can start blogging. But I'm also posting for other people's first-time psychiatrist experiences.

Maybe I was expecting too much today, but that could be because I inherited my grandfather's patience. In my one hour session with the psychiatrist, I gained very little helpful information but a whole lot of new medication. Apparently he doesn't "do" the therapy side of things, and I've been referred to a psychologist. Honestly, I thought they were the other way round, but long story short I'll probably have to wait until after Christmas for any sort of counselling to deal with my daemons. How have other people's first psychiatrist sessions been?

Before the meeting today I was on 30mg Mirtazapine (1/day), 10mg Propranolol (3/day), 10mg Prochloperazine (3/day) for nausea. Pdoc has advised me to drop the last two while reducing my Mirtazapine back to 15mg. Added to my meds list is 25mg Chlorpromazine (3/day) and Sertraline 50mg (1/day). It has been eight weeks on the original combination of medications and it did feel like they'd stopped working, so maybe a change is a good strategy.

Needless to say though, I will be trawling the DF site for forms of self-help, because it looks like the great British institution the NHS is going to keep me dangling for a while. But at £7.20 per prescription, who could blame them?