[afrodite]

As anyone who's read some of my post already knows I live with my dad and stepmom. I've been here for 2 years after I got laid off my old job. At first it was refreshing. I could relax and we all had fun together. I was really happy. As time went on I became less and less happy with my living situation. My dad and stepmom are fantastic people. They're both very loving and supportive but they didn't raise me. I was raised by my mom and grandparents. My relationship with my dad consisted of weekly phone calls since I was about 13 or 14. I would also come out to visit every couple years. Because of this we all both had to adjust to living with each other for the first time. It took my dad a while to realize that i'm an adult and he can't mold me into what he wants me to be. He went off on me a few times. ONce when I was still unemployed and slept all day one day. Another time when some friends invited me to a party two days in a row he really got mad at me. It seemed like he wanted me to stay in the house with them all the time like a little kid. For a while I'd sneak out like a teenager to hang out with my friends. He'd nag me about my room. When he'd get mad at me he'd say things like "I think your lazy and I hate lazy people." or "I'm going to send you back to your mother." It was very hurtful but after a while it just made me angry. He didn't do it all the time and when he did he'd realize that it was messed up and apologize.

I think because of all that now I worry all the time about what he'll think or what he'll say. I'm constantly thinking about what I have to fix, hide or lie about so he doesn't get mad. I've lied more than I ever have in my whole life since I've been here. A cigarette fell an burned the carpet and I lost it because I kept imagining him cursing me out. It's horrible. The thing that's really crazy is that he doesn't yell at me anymore. He barely nags me about anything. He's never on my case about things really hard anymore either. I'm still always trying to sense if he's mad or not about something. I dread coming home because I'm wondering if I did something that will warrant a lecture. He hasn't even given me a leture in a long time. I'm driving myself crazy always worrying and freaking out about him being pi**ed off at me, yelling at me or lecturing me. I feel like I don't have that safe place anymore like I did when I lived alone. No one knew what I did and I had total privacy. I don't have much privacy here. I've just recently stopped hanging out when them when I don't want to. I used to sit and hang with them and be mad about it because I felt I had to. They bought me a nice car and are totally cool with me living with them until I get a decent job. I feel obligated to cater to their whims. All of this stuff stresses me and it's weird that i'm feeling like this.


Does anyone else who lives with parents ever feel this way or am i just nuts?

[afrodite]

iowa, on Nov 7 2009, 11:43 PM, said:

Hi afrodite, I'm not in your situation but understand exactly what you're saying and feeling. My guess would be that many people who stay very long with a parent or aunt/uncle probably finds discord and may feel like you do.
Last year I spent 4 months with my aunt in your home state (to get out of our harsh winters). At first everything was peachy until it gradually turned into her nagging, anger at me, etc. I withdrew more and more and just felt horrible until one night she had an outburst and I left the next day to come home early.
You're in a different situation. You're feeling like you "owe" them, yet resent that (am I reading too much between the lines). Of course, your depression is going to be effected because you lack the security and safety that you've always had, and are now in a situation where you aren't exactly what you can and cannot do without getting yelled at. Even though it may have pretty much stopped, you're untrusting and don't know what may cause the next episode and don't want them angry with you.
What to do??? Can you sit down with them and have a family meeting. Express your gratefullness for everything they've done for you. Express what you enjoy about living there. Then explain that the chemicals in an area in your brain aren't functioning properly and this causes you to not think quite like people who's chemicals are functioning. Say what you're doing to address this illness. Then say that because of that, you're not sure about your reactions but are concerned that you living there maybe isn't what they expected. Say that you'd been living on your own so it seems like the three of you could find some fit between you being totally independent and totally dependent.
This would be a very positive approach to working out a plan with them of their expectations, your desires and coming to a compromise and something that everyone is comfortable with.
Iowa

Wow you totally understood. I just feel totally messed up. I've never felt like I do now. I have no idea how to think or feel. I don't know how to handle it. Me and my dad talk a lot but I still feel this way. We actually had a chat like you described back when he got mad at me for going to a party two nights in a row.

Just now he totally made me mad. I don't even want to be in the house with him right now. I was saying something about how i wasn't happy in this city. And he says "It could be worse." which I HATE. I say i know it could be worse but I don't want to have to think that all the time. Then he says "You want it to be worse? I can show you worse." I said that I want to be happy for real and not always have to think "It could be worse". I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. I just kept my mouth shut after that. Now I just want to get out of the house for a little while. it's been two years and i'm getting more and more unhappy here. We have good times and get along well but it's just not working for me. It seems like it's making my anxiety and depression worse.

[Mulligrubs]

afrodite, on Nov 7 2009, 08:42 PM, said:

As anyone who's read some of my post already knows I live with my dad and stepmom. I've been here for 2 years after I got laid off my old job. At first it was refreshing. I could relax and we all had fun together. I was really happy. As time went on I became less and less happy with my living situation. My dad and stepmom are fantastic people. They're both very loving and supportive but they didn't raise me. I was raised by my mom and grandparents. My relationship with my dad consisted of weekly phone calls since I was about 13 or 14. I would also come out to visit every couple years. Because of this we all both had to adjust to living with each other for the first time. It took my dad a while to realize that i'm an adult and he can't mold me into what he wants me to be. He went off on me a few times. ONce when I was still unemployed and slept all day one day. Another time when some friends invited me to a party two days in a row he really got mad at me. It seemed like he wanted me to stay in the house with them all the time like a little kid. For a while I'd sneak out like a teenager to hang out with my friends. He'd nag me about my room. When he'd get mad at me he'd say things like "I think your lazy and I hate lazy people." or "I'm going to send you back to your mother." It was very hurtful but after a while it just made me angry. He didn't do it all the time and when he did he'd realize that it was messed up and apologize.

I think because of all that now I worry all the time about what he'll think or what he'll say. I'm constantly thinking about what I have to fix, hide or lie about so he doesn't get mad. I've lied more than I ever have in my whole life since I've been here. A cigarette fell an burned the carpet and I lost it because I kept imagining him cursing me out. It's horrible. The thing that's really crazy is that he doesn't yell at me anymore. He barely nags me about anything. He's never on my case about things really hard anymore either. I'm still always trying to sense if he's mad or not about something. I dread coming home because I'm wondering if I did something that will warrant a lecture. He hasn't even given me a leture in a long time. I'm driving myself crazy always worrying and freaking out about him being pi**ed off at me, yelling at me or lecturing me. I feel like I don't have that safe place anymore like I did when I lived alone. No one knew what I did and I had total privacy. I don't have much privacy here. I've just recently stopped hanging out when them when I don't want to. I used to sit and hang with them and be mad about it because I felt I had to. They bought me a nice car and are totally cool with me living with them until I get a decent job. I feel obligated to cater to their whims. All of this stuff stresses me and it's weird that i'm feeling like this.


Does anyone else who lives with parents ever feel this way or am i just nuts?

I (and a few other of my siblings) live with my parents too, me partly because I only have a part-time job and partly because my maternal grandmother is a paraplegic that needs total care and we all live in my paternal grandmother's house because she's in bad shape herself and we didn't either to go to a nursing home. It sounds like you still remember when you used to get yelled at and that's a significant stressor. My dad yells too, but he's the only person on earth that anything bad or inconvienent has ever happened to, so I guess he has the right, right? (eyeroll). It's hard to get over stuff like that that's been part of the landscape for so long, so maybe you just need a little time to believe it? I think iowa had a good idea to have a family meeting to establish ground rules to alleviate some of your worry.

Also, you mentioned privacy- privacy is a big deal. Privacy and freedom. It's like being 17 again- being expected to behave like an adult, but nothing is yours- you can't move the furniture except maybe where you sleep, you can't throw out stuff you think is ugly or worn-out or put new stuff in, you have to be mindful of who your parents approve of or disapprove of in their house, you can't leave a mess until you get around to it, you can't go out at 1:30am for Taco Bell without people wondering what the hell you're doing 'cause it's 1:30am and why on earth you want Taco Bell. Oh, yeah, I've been yelled at for sleeping past noon b/c of depression. I think it's so frustrating because you get a lot of the pain the neck parts of being grown with a severe deficit of the good parts.

I know you said you feel like you owe them - do you regularly do any chores or errands for the family? If you do, that's considered by most people one of the best forms of gratitude/repayment.

[afrodite]

Mulligrubs, on Nov 8 2009, 02:45 AM, said:

I (and a few other of my siblings) live with my parents too, me partly because I only have a part-time job and partly because my maternal grandmother is a paraplegic that needs total care and we all live in my paternal grandmother's house because she's in bad shape herself and we didn't either to go to a nursing home. It sounds like you still remember when you used to get yelled at and that's a significant stressor. My dad yells too, but he's the only person on earth that anything bad or inconvienent has ever happened to, so I guess he has the right, right? (eyeroll). It's hard to get over stuff like that that's been part of the landscape for so long, so maybe you just need a little time to believe it? I think iowa had a good idea to have a family meeting to establish ground rules to alleviate some of your worry.

Also, you mentioned privacy- privacy is a big deal. Privacy and freedom. It's like being 17 again- being expected to behave like an adult, but nothing is yours- you can't move the furniture except maybe where you sleep, you can't throw out stuff you think is ugly or worn-out or put new stuff in, you have to be mindful of who your parents approve of or disapprove of in their house, you can't leave a mess until you get around to it, you can't go out at 1:30am for Taco Bell without people wondering what the hell you're doing 'cause it's 1:30am and why on earth you want Taco Bell. Oh, yeah, I've been yelled at for sleeping past noon b/c of depression. I think it's so frustrating because you get a lot of the pain the neck parts of being grown with a severe deficit of the good parts.
I know you said you feel like you owe them - do you regularly do any chores or errands for the family? If you do, that's considered by most people one of the best forms of gratitude/repayment.

You're whole second paragraph is so true. It feels just...wrong. You're an adult but you have the freedom and privacy of a 16 year old. I sit out in the car when i want to gripe on the phone to my best friend. I sit in my car for quiet and privacy. I go out all the time just to be somewhere where I can do and feel what i want.

I do some chores. I wash my own clothes and ask if they need anything washed when I do laundry. They almost always say no. I wash dishes. I vacuum sometiems but we vacuume only every three weeks or something anyway. I ask if they want anything from the store when I go. They usually say no. I cook sometimes. They really don't ask for much.

[SecretMist]

Hi afrodite,

I can see to where you would worry so much about your dad getting on your case all the time as that is what you were use to. It sounds like right now with you doing your own chores, laundry, cooking and all that, the fact that they bought you a car is wonderful and it shows that they are trying to help you out in there own way as he doesn't seem to get on your case anymore. I think that Iowa has made a good suggestion in possibly having a family meeting to share your feelings and put things out on the table so that things can get cleared up for your own peace of mind. You are an adult and you are entitled to you privacy and freedom. Maybe write something down or print out some of your postings here to keep track of what all you want to talk about with them. Let us know how your doing with this.

[afrodite]

iowa, on Nov 7 2009, 11:43 PM, said:

Hi afrodite, I'm not in your situation but understand exactly what you're saying and feeling. My guess would be that many people who stay very long with a parent or aunt/uncle probably finds discord and may feel like you do.
Last year I spent 4 months with my aunt in your home state (to get out of our harsh winters). At first everything was peachy until it gradually turned into her nagging, anger at me, etc. I withdrew more and more and just felt horrible until one night she had an outburst and I left the next day to come home early.
You're in a different situation. You're feeling like you "owe" them, yet resent that (am I reading too much between the lines). Of course, your depression is going to be effected because you lack the security and safety that you've always had, and are now in a situation where you aren't exactly what you can and cannot do without getting yelled at. Even though it may have pretty much stopped, you're untrusting and don't know what may cause the next episode and don't want them angry with you.
What to do??? Can you sit down with them and have a family meeting. Express your gratefullness for everything they've done for you. Express what you enjoy about living there. Then explain that the chemicals in an area in your brain aren't functioning properly and this causes you to not think quite like people who's chemicals are functioning. Say what you're doing to address this illness. Then say that because of that, you're not sure about your reactions but are concerned that you living there maybe isn't what they expected. Say that you'd been living on your own so it seems like the three of you could find some fit between you being totally independent and totally dependent.
This would be a very positive approach to working out a plan with them of their expectations, your desires and coming to a compromise and something that everyone is comfortable with.
Iowa

My stepmom doesn't really get mad at me about stuff. I think since she didn't give birlth to me and didn't raise me she doesn't see me as a little kid. It's my dad who I'm always worried about. He was super overprotective. I really don't want to have a family meeting. I talk to my dad a lot. He's known about my depression for a really long time. He tries to understand but i don't think he truly understands what it's like. He listens when I tell him about it. I just always have this feeling that I don't want them to know much. I feel that he can take things away from me. He can take away the little that I have. I feel that I'm at his mercy. He can kick me out and take away the car. He has the power. I think we have come to a compromise since he always tells me that he's proud of me and thinks i'm doing great. I just need to figure out how to stop freaking out so much.

[Peyton_Sawyer]

Hi there! I know exactly how you feel! I moved back in with my parents after I became pregnant w/my first son. We lived with them until I married my ex. I moved into an apt for a year following the divorce and landed right smack dab at my parents' house again. I love my parents. It was refreshing to have the little things taken care of and to not have such responsibility of up-keep and day-to-day living. But as time wore on, my parents and I began to wear on each other's nerves. I think parents have trouble accepting that their children are adults and can take care of themselves. They still want to be your parent. Iowa's response was absolutely perfect!

[afrodite]

Peyton_Sawyer, on Nov 9 2009, 12:18 PM, said:

Hi there! I know exactly how you feel! I moved back in with my parents after I became pregnant w/my first son. We lived with them until I married my ex. I moved into an apt for a year following the divorce and landed right smack dab at my parents' house again. I love my parents. It was refreshing to have the little things taken care of and to not have such responsibility of up-keep and day-to-day living. But as time wore on, my parents and I began to wear on each other's nerves. I think parents have trouble accepting that their children are adults and can take care of themselves. They still want to be your parent. Iowa's response was absolutely perfect!

yeah. I know it took my mom a long time to see me as a grown woman. I'm 30 years old. I'm old enough where I could have my own kids now so i'm definitely not a kid anymore. I've actually forgotten what it feels like to be an adult. I lived on my own and had my own place. I had a good job for a while. It's all lost now. I feel like I'm 16 again except worse. I can't beleive all the little things you take for granted when you're on your own. I miss talking on the phone in the house without worrying about someone hearing my conversation. Alone time is a HUGE deal to me. I hate having weekends off because I just want to be alone and have a day to myself. I had two days off together this week and my stepmom stayed home from work today because she has something wrong with her eye. It was all crusted over and feels sore so that's fine but I really wish I was home alone. I also hate having days off when they're home because I'm afraid they'll hijack my day. I can't stand that. If they ask when i'm off I tell them I don't know. I dread hearing "We should do..." or "We're gonna do ..." Luckily that hasn't happend in a while.